Click here for Done Deal Pro home page

Done Deal Pro Home Page

Loading

Go Back   Done Deal Pro Forums > About the Craft > Writing Exercises
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-16-2019, 03:28 PM   #1
dpaterso
Member
 
dpaterso's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Caledonia
Posts: 5,642
Default Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Here are the results for the Feb 2019 Valentine's Day contest:

Code:
1st 2nd 3rd Total Martin Is Nice - Lil Drowzy 1 1 1 6 Midnight Caller - dpaterso 2 3 12 First Time - Centos 1 1 4 Fallin' - StoryWriter 2 1 2 10 The Waiting Game - Concar 1 2 4
Congrats to... dammit, me... for Midnight Caller, and to StoryWriter for a close second with Fallin'. Well done all for writing something for the contest regardless of how many points you scored. It's all about practicing writing to theme and deadline.

Thanks also to Mark Somers for voting!

1st place vote = 3 points, 2nd = 2, 3rd = 1. Note that if I'd included bonus 3 points for everyone who voted, excluding myself because I did the admin, the results would be different!

You're welcome to post thoughts and comments in this thread.

For posterity's sake, the discussion thread is here and the entries thread is here.
__________________
Nobody knows anything, and I'm nobody.



Sign up and sign in to view Loglines + Script Pages forums!
dpaterso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-16-2019, 07:31 PM   #2
Centos
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,932
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Congratulations dpaterso, Storywriter and Lil Drowzy. And, finally, dpaterso, you didn't penalize yourself for doing the work of administrating. I'll try to post a few comments about who I voted for and why by tomorrow (or the next day).

Thanks again for the contest.
__________________
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.
Centos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-16-2019, 08:22 PM   #3
Centos
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,932
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Comments on the entries.

My first place vote went to Fallin'. The idea intrigued me and it ended with a Valentine theme. There was a lot to take in here and it looked like the writer was condensing a longer story into the shorter space, so it came across as rushed.

My second place vote went to the winner, Midnight Caller. Until the end I thought the dialogue seemed unrealistic when considering the situation. But once I realized there was to be a twist I "got it." I wasn't quite sure how the ending played out, were these vampires or vampire killers (or both)?

My third place vote went to Martin is Nice. The writer was successful in creating an unlikable (constant chip on the shoulder) protagonist but I thought the ending mellowed her out a bit. The beginning, with the old Polish guy's bankruptcy scam, didn't come across as realistic and I couldn't place the room decor description, but I got the idea it translated to "sparse."

Unless I missed something, I couldn't quite figure out The Waiting Game. It seemed like the start of a longer script and then just ended. I kept thinking the car "not starting" had some deeper meaning. Maybe this was an endless loop?

First Time, mine, was just another one of my maudlin scripts. I liked it, but then I usually like what I write. But I think I'm about the only one who does. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this.

Next writing exercise?
__________________
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.
Centos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2019, 01:51 AM   #4
dpaterso
Member
 
dpaterso's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Caledonia
Posts: 5,642
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

My votes went like:

1st - Fallin'
2nd - Martin Is Nice
3rd - The Waiting Game

And my comments, for what they're worth:

Martin Is Nice

I smiled at the opening lines which delivered voice, and I liked the portrait of Eliza's life, and I liked the easy dialogue. Towards the end however I didn't quite get the uncomfortable number of youths thing, like what did Eliza do to gather these people (in their 20s... but children?), and that gave me a last moment wobble. Just missed my 1st place vote.

Midnight Caller

Mine! As I posted the entries, I re-read this for typos, and realized at that fateful point that as I edited the script from 11+ pages down to 8 pages, I'd pruned the low-key romance spark between Izzy and Willy that qualified the story as suitable for Valentine's Day. I wonder if anyone noticed? Why did it get so many votes? Which were unexpected. Maybe y'all just liked the idea of a family of vampire hunters and their unwitting visitors?

First Time

Nicely written all the way, good character interplay and dialogue, but Jeebus what a downer ending, even though I saw it coming from the beginning. Sorry for not voting for it!

Fallin'

This held my attention, I think I would have enjoyed watching the film or however it ended up, gets a vote.

The Waiting Game

A readable slice of life, glad it all ended well, good closing line, gets a vote.
__________________
Nobody knows anything, and I'm nobody.



Sign up and sign in to view Loglines + Script Pages forums!
dpaterso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2019, 12:46 PM   #5
StoryWriter
Member
 
StoryWriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,132
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Congratulations to dpaterso!

My # 1 -- First Time: In my opinion this was the best written script, with characters you could really relate to. But I agree with dpaterso -- put Centos on suicide watch. I was hoping for a twist, happy ending.

My # 2 -- Midnight Caller: I'm a sucker for stories that are written with characters acting normal in really weird situations. Well done.

My # 3 -- The Waiting Game: It had a realistic feel to it, and in my opinion it went on a little too long in a couple of scenes. But the characters were believable, and I kept getting the feeling this is something that the writer may have really experienced.

Martin Is Nice: Although it got better as it went (in my opinion), I had a really hard time with this one out of the gate. About thirty years ago I went through a bankruptcy and my lawyer was exactly opposite from Eliza in this story. He was a devious b*st*rd who came up with scams I would have never dreamed of. Eliza, on the other hand, acted more like a prosecutor. (Maybe things have really changed in thirty years?)

Mine -- Fallin': About a hundred pounds of crap stuffed into a fifty pound sack. Centos was right -- I needed more room. At least ten pages would have been great. I also broke a rule I normally set for myself in these short competitions. This is a story I'm playing with for a full length screenplay. Kind of it's own "alternate time line". Missing is any sense of peril. In the real story people murdered Danny's parents and since he has no idea who, he goes after scumbags, more or less randomly, then escapes. Silvia's group, aren't exactly the greatest people on earth, and could be responsible for the murders of Danny's parents. They despise "Stringers" and in the full length version so did Silvia (who is kind of brainwashed), at first. It takes her thirty or forty pages to change her mind and fall for Danny and help go after his parents killers. I tried to hint at some of this stuff, but in eight pages that's a lost cause and only causes confusion.

General Comments
I'm probably preaching to the choir, but I wish more people would use these contests. It's a great -- no cost -- way to play with new things and find out what might work and what's a disaster. I played around with a lot things, in this contest, that I've never tried before. A couple of things I'm kind of happy with and will work on -- a couple of things -- not so much. What's great about more people and more comments is if fifteen out of twenty have the same criticism, that's probably something you ought to look at.

In my opinion this is the most valuable forum on Done Deal.

Thanks again, dpaterso, for putting this together.
__________________
"I just couldn't live in a world without me."

Last edited by StoryWriter : 02-17-2019 at 01:26 PM.
StoryWriter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2019, 03:01 PM   #6
dpaterso
Member
 
dpaterso's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Caledonia
Posts: 5,642
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Thanks for the comments, appreciated!

Eyeballs on your writing and free feedback, what's not to like.

Yep more people would be nice, alas we've lost too many over the years and/or they just don't visit as frequently any more, what can ya do.
__________________
Nobody knows anything, and I'm nobody.



Sign up and sign in to view Loglines + Script Pages forums!
dpaterso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2019, 01:05 AM   #7
Centos
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,932
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by dpaterso View Post
First Time

Nicely written all the way, good character interplay and dialogue, but Jeebus what a downer ending, even though I saw it coming from the beginning. Sorry for not voting for it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by StoryWriter View Post

My # 1 -- First Time:
In my opinion this was the best written script, with characters you could really relate to. But I agree with dpaterso -- put Centos on suicide watch. I was hoping for a twist, happy ending.
What's funny is that I didn't consider this script a "downer" at all. I looked at it as a successful life, well lived. (Maybe I'm insane?)
__________________
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.
Centos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2019, 03:44 AM   #8
dpaterso
Member
 
dpaterso's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Caledonia
Posts: 5,642
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Centos View Post
What's funny is that I didn't consider this script a "downer" at all. I looked at it as a successful life, well lived. (Maybe I'm insane?)
Heh I wouldn't go that far. So maybe I used the wrong word, maybe the story was "touching" rather than a downer, although downer is the feeling it left me with. Like I said, nicely written.
__________________
Nobody knows anything, and I'm nobody.



Sign up and sign in to view Loglines + Script Pages forums!
dpaterso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2019, 01:22 PM   #9
Centos
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,932
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Quote:
Originally Posted by dpaterso View Post
Heh I wouldn't go that far. So maybe I used the wrong word, maybe the story was "touching" rather than a downer, although downer is the feeling it left me with. Like I said, nicely written.
No, "downer" is fine. I was just saying that the story effected me differently then it did you or Storywriter. I think I'm the one who is "out of the loop" here, not you. Besides, honest criticism is the best feedback you can get, and I think you told me honestly how this story effected you. I thank both you and Storywriter for your comments.
__________________
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.
Centos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2019, 06:48 PM   #10
Centos
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,932
Default Re: Results - Valentine's Day '19 contest

Same basic mood, happier ending. (I wrote this one eleven years ago, still on the newsgroup archived by Goodle. I was already wordy. Should probably look into writing novels.)

I didn't proofread it or anything. So any mistake I made back then is still there.

Code:
CLAWS FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT A slight breeze ruffles the lace curtain, which is tangled in the stems of a potted ivy plant sitting on the window sill -- its leaves flow down toward the sink. The sound of the dripping faucet competes with the gurgling of a stream outside, and with the buzz of flies, who circle lazily beneath a dim light bulb, occasionally landing on its pull string -- which trails down toward a 50s style, chrome edged, red Formica table. Beneath the light, VERNON WAGSTAFF, stubbled chin, thin and wrinkled, wearing a well-worn bathrobe, sits motionless, an old-fashioned fountain pen in his hand, while he stares down at the blank pad of paper in front of him. He squints and leans close to the pad. He moves the pen over the paper, but it leaves no mark, so he shakes it until droplets of ink appear on the table. He writes. VERNON (V.O.) Dearest Ellenor... It's with a heavy heart that I... He impatiently scratches out the words, and rips the page off the pad, crinkling it into a ball. VERNON Sounds like a damn business letter. Vernon starts again. VERNON (V.O.) My Beautiful Ellenor... I'm wishing now that I hadn't sent you away to see James. As you now know, he and Lily are fine and so are the kids. I just didn't want you to be here when it happened. But... maybe... He stops again and rips the sheet from the pad and wads it into a ball. Then he puts the pen down, gets up and paces the floor. He stops in front of the sink. Beside it, on a set of knickknack shelves nailed to the cupboard sits a "50th Anniversary" plate, with a picture of he and Ellenor (thin and wrinkly like him) taken at the anniversary party, screen printed on it. On the upper shelf sits a cracked picture frame with a black and white photo of much younger versions of himself and Ellenor. A small, black child is sitting on Ellenor's lap. They all smile broadly. Beside the picture, sits an empty bottle of wine. Its label is faded -- yellowed Scotch tape keeps a ripped corner from falling off. Vernon smiles slightly as he lifts the bottle and wipes the cobwebs off of it. He also picks up the picture and places both items on the table by the pad. He sits down and starts writing again. VERNON (V.O.) In front of me sits the bottle and the picture of James, taken the day the adoption was final. I remember how excited and happy we all were, and our first "night picnic." INT. KITCHEN (WHEN NEW) -- NIGHT (FLASHBACK) A young Vernon, late 20s, black hair, thin, in dress clothes, dries dishes at the sink and places them in the cupboard. A young Ellenor, late 20s, red hair, pretty, walks into the kitchen. Her eyes are bright. She smiles wide as she tries to untie apron strings behind her back. YOUNG ELLENOR Finally. Asleep. Vernon puts down his dish towel and reaches out to help. YOUNG VERNON Here, turn around. He fumbles with the knot but gives up and, instead, slides his hands around her slender stomach and pulls her close as kisses the nape of her neck. Ellenor twists her head around so their lips can meet for a long kiss. YOUNG VERNON I'm thinking this might be a good night to get the bottle down. They both look up at the empty wine bottle sitting on the shelf. Its label is new and brightly colored. YOUNG ELLENOR It's James' first night and... But she finds it hard to concentrate with Vernon nibbling on her ear. YOUNG VERNON Let's grab a blanket and head down to the stream. Ellenor giggles. YOUNG ELLENOR Vernon! Vernon releases her, so he can twirl her around and kiss her again. When they stop they're both a bit flushed. YOUNG ELLENOR Okay, I'll get the blanket. YOUNG VERNON I'll get the bottle. Ellenor exits the kitchen. A small gust of wind bows in the lace curtain and Vernon reaches over the sink to pull the window shut. The sound of the gurgling stream is silenced as the window closes. He grabs the bottle. Ellenor returns with the blanket and, as Vernon opens the door, it squeaks. YOUNG ELLENOR (whispering) James is a little restless, so-- James, 5 years old, bleary-eyed, is standing in the doorway. JAMES --Mama? YOUNG ELLENOR Yes, little one. JAMES You gonna' leave? YOUNG ELLENOR No, son, we're just-- YOUNG VERNON (grabbing a picnic basket and shoving the bottle in it) --Going on a night picnic, son. Ellenor hands the blanket to Vernon and picks up James. YOUNG ELLENOR Why don't you get the picnic set up. I'll rock James to sleep again and be out in a bit. She shoves a lock of hair off Vernon's forehead. YOUNG VERNON Okay, but hurry. I'm really... hungry. (END FLASHBACK) INT. KITCHEN -- LATER There are now more than ten crumpled sheets of paper on the table. Vernon is still writing on the pad. VERNON (V.O.) I'm not good with words. But I love you. I always will. And... The back of his hand splits open and a chunk of dry skin falls off with a thump. A thick, milky liquid drips out on to the table. VERNON Already? A white claw slides out of the opening. INT. KITCHEN -- LATER Ellenor, her eyes puffy and moist, enters the kitchen. She unbuttons her sweater. Her voice is raspy with emotion when she calls out. ELLENOR Vernon? I couldn't go... I... She sees the picture and bottle on the table and slumps to the chair to read the note. Her expression changes, and she quickly grabs the other notes and reads them. She sees the dried skin and milky goo and her face brightens. INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS The lights are out. The moon silhouettes a claw foot bathtub, where a man sits quiet, his hands covering his eyes as his shoulders slump. The door opens. Ellenor steps in and turns on the light. A young (early 20s) version of Vernon sits up quickly, water and soap suds splashing over the edge of the tub. VERNON Ellenor? I-- But Ellenor is smiling. ELLENOR OH MY. I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW HANDSOME you were. She gently touches his chest with her fingertips. Her brittle, blotched skin contrasts sharply with Vernon's fresh, flexible new skin. VERNON I wanted to tell you. I-- She presses her fingers his lips. ELLENOR Shhhh. The back of her hand cracks open. Vernon lights up. VERNON Ellenor! She turns back to the door and picks up an object she left outside the door. It's the battered old picnic basket, with the empty wine bottle poking out one side. ELLENOR I think we'll be needing this a little later. Claws glide out of openings in the back of her hands. ELLENOR But first, let me slip out of this old thing and into something more comfortable. FADE OUT:
__________________
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.
Centos is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:12 PM.


Powered by vBulletin Version 3.6.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Done Deal Pro

eXTReMe Tracker