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Old 09-27-2011, 12:42 PM   #1
Manchester
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Default Another "we see" question - seriously

When it comes to "we see", I am in the group of people who prefer to avoid/write-around it if there is a another way to write the action with comparable clarity.

At present, the troublesome part reads as follows:

Code:
OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS Stars twinkle. Strangely, a small circle of them disappears, then this circle of darkness grows until... We see there's a massive asteroid flying towards us. The asteroid fills our view then just passes by and we tilt down to see The red planet Mars rise into view.
The "tilt down" and "rise into view" are obviously fudges - i.e., tilting down makes Mars seem to rise into view. Addendum: And, I suppose "tilt down" raises the "don't direct the camera" question, as well.

In any event, I tried writing around "we" and "us" but it required more words and non-colloquial syntax - and, it seemed less clear.

Suggestions for getting rid of the 1st person plural? Or, should I just go with (a version of) this?

BTW, if this were on page 37 of my script I'd be less concerned, but it's on page 2 - where readers' judgements can be more harsh.

Last edited by Manchester : 09-27-2011 at 12:59 PM. Reason: camera direction issue
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Old 09-27-2011, 12:51 PM   #2
Paul Striver
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

Go with "we see" every time if it's clearer/quicker than alternatives. Your bias against "we see" is unfounded; you shouldn't be worrying about this at all.

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Old 09-27-2011, 12:58 PM   #3
Hamboogul
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manchester View Post
When it comes to "we see", I am in the group of people who prefer to avoid/write-around it if there is a another way to write the action with comparable clarity.

At present, the troublesome part reads as follows:

Code:
OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS Stars twinkle. Strangely, a small circle of them disappears, then this circle of darkness grows until... We see there's a massive asteroid flying towards us. The asteroid fills our view then just passes by and we tilt down to see The red planet Mars rise into view.
The "tilt down" and "rise into view" are obviously fudges - i.e., tilting down makes Mars seem to rise into view.

In any event, I tried writing around "we" and "us" but it required more words and non-colloquial syntax - and, it seemed less clear.

Suggestions for getting rid of the 1st person plural? Or, should I just go with (a version of) this?

BTW, if this were on page 37 of my script I'd be less concerned, but it's on page 2 - where readers' judgements can be more harsh.
Manchester,

You are the prime example of why people have a bias against "We see" when there shouldn't be any. You wrote this where you don't need a "We see."


Quote:
OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS

Stars twinkle. Strangely, a small circle of them disappears, then this circle
of darkness grows until... We see there's a massive asteroid flying towards
us. The asteroid fills our view then just passes by and we tilt down to see

The red planet Mars rise into view.

Stars twinkle. Strangely, a small circle of them disappears. Then this circle of darkness grows until--

A MASSIVE ASTEROID HURLS TOWARD US.
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Old 09-27-2011, 01:22 PM   #4
Joe Unidos
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

What Ham said.

This is another one of those cases where it seems random to put in "we see." I don't understand why the one sentence is singled out.

Quote:
OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS
We see stars twinkle. Strangely, we see a small circle of them disappears, then we see this circle
of darkness grows until... We see there's a massive asteroid flying towards
us. We see the asteroid fills our view then just passes by and we tilt down to see
The red planet Mars rise into view, and we see it. We totally fvxcking see it.
or

Quote:

OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS
Stars twinkle.
There's a dark patch as a small circle of them disappears. It grows...
A massive asteroid approaches, blocking the star field, growing in size. It passes by, and behind it...

The red planet Mars.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:04 PM   #5
Manchester
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

First and foremost, thanks for the comments and the suggestions.

Ham, if I'm going to be an example, I do prefer to be "the prime example" (unless "choice" is on sale this week), so thanks as well for that accolade!

In the scene after this one, scientists back at mission control discuss what they just saw via the satellite that is orbiting Mars. The satellite had tilted up for a look at the asteroid as it flew by - the scene starts after the tilt-up. The asteroid passes, then the satellite tilts back down to Mars - so it appears as if Mars is rising. But until the scene at mission control, I don't want to reference the satellite.

Joe, assuming your comment "I don't understand why the one sentence is singled out" was not just rhetorical, here was my reasoning: I used "until... we see" as in "until we realize" or "until it becomes apparent that". It's that what initially appeared to be a group of stars somehow disappearing is actually the result of an asteroid zooming at us, eclipsing our view of the stars. The only effect of the zooming asteroid is its effect on what we can and do see.

IOW, if the action had started with the asteroid, I would not have written, "We see an asteroid flying at us."

Again, thanks.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:55 PM   #6
Richmond Weems
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

I don't think you need the 'we see', and I'm not sure why you're worried about mentioning the satellite or not. We'll know that it's a satellite when the scientists start looking at pictures, and mentioning the satellite.

It's an image, and nothing more; an image we've seen multiple times in multiple movies, by the way. Just get on with the story.

I'd go with Ham's example, or close to it.

HH
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Old 09-27-2011, 03:10 PM   #7
Hamboogul
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean it to sound as harsh as it sounded.

I meant that the way you used "We see" is exactly why people find that superfluous. Generally those who come to the boards to show examples of "We see" tend to show bad examples.

I could show plenty of bad dialogue, bad action, bad character names. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't use them. So any "We see" issue is self-paranoia. That being said, your example, as people pointed out, was not the best way to convey the image you had in your mind. Sometimes, "We see" is the way to go. Sometimes not.
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Old 09-27-2011, 06:02 PM   #8
BattleDolphinZero
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

I'm gonna disagree here. For sure you can write the scene without "WE SEE" but if you could truly comprehend how much no one gives the slightest fraction of a fvck, you wouldn't care.

However, I will tell you what is glaring to me about the example.

You write --

"
OUTER SPACE - A SEA OF STARS

Stars twinkle. Strangely, a small circle of them disappears, then this circle
of darkness grows until... We see there's a massive asteroid flying towards
us. The asteroid fills our view then just passes by and we tilt down to see


It's the "there's" that follows your first "WE SEE" that is killing me. Cut the "there's" and then reread the following post seven times...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Striver View Post
Go with "we see" every time if it's clearer/quicker than alternatives. Your bias against "we see" is unfounded; you shouldn't be worrying about this at all.

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Old 09-27-2011, 06:05 PM   #9
BattleDolphinZero
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

Btw, we have a friend who is an A-List writer, and a damn good one, who has a big movie coming out. People actually rattled him in criticizing his script, saying he used "WE SEE" too much.

Everyone was like 'dude, what does writing without WE SEE get you?' At best the exact same place as using them does.

These "people" of course were "people" who never have and never will make movies.
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Old 09-27-2011, 06:11 PM   #10
TwoBrad Bradley
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Default Re: Another "we see" question - seriously

Quote:
Originally Posted by BattleDolphinZero View Post
... However, I will tell you what is glaring to me about the example.
For me it's the fact that in Outer Space stars don't twinkle.
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