IT'S A DOG'S LIFE
A DOG'S RAPID PANTING is heard throughout.
INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT
DOG POV, down near floor level. We do not see the dog, we
are the dog.
MIKE and HANNA, a 30s couple, are arguing. Dog only sees
them from the waist down.
You can't just bring a dog home
He was wandering in the park.
Someone's there right now, looking
He, and no one was looking for
him, he doesn't have an owner.
How do you, how do you know this?
He wasn't wearing a collar.
How come it's wearing one now?
I bought him a collar, he needed a
collar. Stop calling him "it," he
can hear you.
And you bought him those bowls,
and that food?
What do you want him to eat,
When are you going to get your
I don't, what, why would I--
If it was working, you would have
called me from the park and said,
"Honey, is it okay to bring this
strange dog home with me?" and I
would have told you NO, f*ck off.
Aw don't be like that, you didn't
see him, wandering all alone,
It's someone's dog. They're going
to want it back.
For your information, when a dog
doesn't have a collar, that means
he doesn't have an owner. There is
no owner. He is a masterless dog.
I have a great idea!
If this "great idea" includes the
words "return" and "park" then let
me stop you right there.
I don't want a dog, you have to
ask me, do you want a dog? And I
have to say yes, before you bring
a f*cking dog home with you.
You should have seen the look in
How close were you to him? Were
you on the ground, rolling around
in the leaves?
His eyes said help me, nobody loves
me, they just abandoned me, I'm
cold and I'm hungry.
He. Goes. Back.
Don't be so cruel, it's dark out
there and it's going to be freezing
temperatures tonight. You can't
cast him out into the cold.
He's wearing a fur coat.
Well okay, here you go, here's his
leash, take him.
No, it's not me, don't dare.
Put on his leash, put on his leash
while you look into his eyes and
see the pain there, as he realizes
what's happening to him.
You are a f*cking drama queen.
You're asking me to put a dog
outside, to abandon him in the
park, when it's going to be freezing
tonight, when he could literally
freeze to death and not wake up.
Or his OWNER, who has been looking
for him ever since you STOLE him
from the park, and is out of his
goddamn MIND with worry, will find
him and take him home.
Do I have to explain the collar
thing over again?
His collar could have got caught
on something and fallen off, you
don't know. Look at him, he's a
healthy dog, are you trying to
tell me no one's looked after him,
taken him to the vet, given him
his shots? He has a family and
that family loves him. You know
what you are? You're a dognapper.
No such word.
It's been in the news! Dognappers
snatch dogs off the street and
call their owners and demand a
That actress, the one you like,
the blonde, with the big lips, she
had her poodle snatched.
Aw come on, that's reality show
She got her poodle snatched and
they called her at home and said,
fifty thousand bucks or the dog
gets it. I heard it, on the news.
She wasn't laughing, she was in
tears, she pleaded with the
dognappers to bring her baby back.
She could get a thousand poodles
for fifty grand.
She didn't want a thousand poodles,
she just wanted Twinkie.
Twinkie the poodle. You're pulling
The dognappers were texting her,
cops couldn't pin them down, they
used disposable phones, a different
number every time.
What did she say, "I want to hear
his bark, I want to know he's still
You're trying to make a joke out
of this but you're the goddamn
dognapper here. That dog, right
there, belongs to someone. Maybe
they have kids, they're crying
their eyes out, worried sick.
Did she receive an ear in the mail
as a warning?
You're joking about a dog having
its ear cut off?
What's her name, what was she in?
I don't know, that one with DeNiro.
The bank heist or the hunt thing?
Did she pay the ransom?
She wanted to pay but her husband
wouldn't let her, and the cops
said no, like we don't negotiate
with terrorists, that stuff. It
was heart-rending, I couldn't stop
Oh who's the drama queen now?
I wish you'd seen her, you might
not be such a sh*t about it.
Anyways, enough crap, get that
thing out of here, take it back to
the park and kiss it goodbye.
Jesus, will you just--
Before you say anything else,
consider how much your back hurts
when you sleep on the couch.
Look, I'm not wanting an argument.
I just need you to show a little
Says dog ear man.
A little compassion for a dog who
is going to be cast out into the
cold and will be lying shivering
under a bush, wondering why you
did this to him.
You f*ck! This isn't on me! You
brought it here, you take it back,
and I mean now.
You know what, I'm sleeping on the
couch tonight, through choice. I
can't bear to be with someone who's
Hey, wha'd'ya know, I might actually
get some sleep for a change.
Mike approaches Dog, crouches down, we see him for the
first time, sadface as he looks into camera.
I'm sorry, Pushkin, mommy doesn't
want you here any more.
Mike shows puzzlement.
Oh you got the collar off, guess
you didn't like it. Harry goddamn
Take it back to the store tomorrow,
take everything back, get a refund.
Mike stands up, walks to the door.
Come on Pushkin. Looks like you
and me are going for walkies.
Dog POV follows mike to the door.
Mike opens the door, Dog POV exits the apartment.
POV changes, on HANNA as the door closes and the lock
CLICKS. Mike and Dog are gone. PANTING STOPS.
Hanna leans against the counter, sips her coffee.
"Pushkin," for f*ck's sake.
She looks at the counter, sees the collar and leash.
She puts down her coffee, picks up the collar. Twirls it
around her finger. Smiles.
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hanna stands at the window, peering out through the curtains
at the dark night.
She's as naked as the day she was born. Except for the dog
collar she's wearing. The leash is attached and she holds
the loop in her hand so the leash is tight.
KNOCKING at the door. Hanna sighs.
Yes, yes forget your keys, why
She walks through the kitchen, to the door.
She unlocks it and opens it, and as she does so she lifts
the leash up over her head.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Hanna opens the door and says--
She shows surprise and so does the TALL MAN standing there
gaping at her.
Good God, I'm sorry--
No I'm sorry, I thought you were
He half-turns as if to leave.
Let's not be embarrassed, we're
both adults. I'm sure you've seen
a naked woman before. If not, this
is what one looks like. What can I
do for you?
Tall Man opens his mouth to say something, gets distracted
by Hanna's unashamed nakedness, he closes his eyes for a
moment, sucks in a deep breath, tries again.
I know this might sound stupid,
but I'm looking for my dog. Someone
said they saw a man with a dog
that sounded like mine. I've been
knocking on all the doors.
I wish I could help. I'm sure he'll
turn up soon. Dogs always do. He's
probably sniffing a drainpipe or
My God, this smell, I must know
who she is.
Hah, I hope so.
Until he does...
Hanna offers him the leash.
You wanna take me for walkies?
Tall Man swallows hard and runs his finger inside his collar
as if letting steam out.
He takes the lead and steps inside, closing the door, and
we catch a glimpse of Hanna's wide smile.
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Mike looks around, puzzled. No sign of Dog.