AMERICAN SLAVES: Rewrite's Completed. Looking For Readers.

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  • AMERICAN SLAVES: Rewrite's Completed. Looking For Readers.

    Note: An itsy bit of this thread’s subject matter is controversial, so you may would like to say something, but I’d like to remind everyone that it’s Done Deal’s policy for the ANNOUNCEMENT forum to not have the members post replies or have discussions.

    Six months ago, I posted the opening ten pages and a link to the script to get members’ opinions. I implemented the notes that resonated with me, and then I sent the script’s rewrite out to two professional screenwriters for their opinions. I implemented their notes that resonated with me, and then I sent it out to have a test coverage done (reader was a professional screenwriter with major studio produced credits) to get an idea on how the material will be viewed by contests and industry professionals.

    The test coverage came back with a “consider with reservations.”

    I addressed all the notes that resonated with me and before I send the screenplay out to contests and the marketplace I’d like to get Done Deals’ members’ eyes on the completed rewrite.

    Please let me know if in anyone’s opinion, there’s a problem. No matter how major or minor the problem. Even if it’s a minor problem, such as, a misplaced comma, word choice, etc.

    You can PM me.

    The following is the script’s information and a link to the rewritten screenplay:

    Title: American Slaves
    Genre: Action Adventure
    Budget: High
    Page Count: 125

    Logline:

    After thermonuclear World War Three, a fierce
    Southern couple live a simple country life until the
    wife is enslaved and sold to the United States of
    Europe’s cruel Minister of Defense, where she risks
    her life aiding a slave rebellion -- unaware its
    leader is her husband, searching for her.

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T9y...ew?usp=sharing

    The major notes from the readers were:

    1. In the first half of the second act, both the male (in the village) and female (in Europe) protagonists were boring.

    -- I addressed this note by having the male protagonist take action and added an action set piece. For the female protagonist, I added more conflict between her and the antagonist.

    2. Some readers mentioned that with the present day politics and the Black Lives Matter movement, having the antagonist’s chauffeur character George and his family African-American, where they get killed off in the end and the Southern Caucasian couple are triumphant, might be offensive to the African American community. It was suggested to alleviate this problem I could make the Southern protagonists’ couple African American.

    -- I didn’t change the protagonists, but I did change George and his family from African American to Hispanic. I changed the 17-year-old Caucasian German mercenary, who became the male protagonist’s ally and one of the rebel leaders, to African German and changed his village love interest from Caucasian to African American.

    3. One reviewer said it didn’t seem believable that Europe would choose to enslave Americans and suggested it be China or Russia.

    -- Hollywood wouldn’t like for China to be the big, bad slavers. Too big of a market for them. Russia is certainly credible, but I felt that would be too cliche and expected, so I’ve left it as a newly formed European nation.

    4. Some reviewers are still having a hard time about the radiation and habitability issue. One reviewer said: “In the TV show THE 100, they waited in space for almost 100 years before attempting to repopulate the planet.”

    -- My research found that nuclear bombs are designed to explode 1 mile above their targets for best explosive destruction. In this case, radiation disperses in weeks. Doesn’t get absorbed by the ground and water. Nuclear power plant meltdowns are different. You can’t be around that area for like 20,000 years.

    5. FYI - If your story happens to have a female protagonist that uses a bow and arrows, expect plenty of notes stating that it’s too Katniss of “The Hunger Games.”

    -- In the opening page, I changed it from her using a bow and arrow to a knife in killing game for food, but for the rest of the story I didn’t change the situations where she used a bow and arrow. If you have a story that takes place in the wilderness, it’s only natural for a character to use a bow and arrow as a tool for survival.

    Because of the script’s subject matter of slavery and the Black Lives Matter movement, the coverage report rated the script’s marketability low. The report stated the following:

    “I can say with some certainty that Hollywood, being naturally risk adverse, would avoid something so controversial.”

    It was stated that the script would most likely be used as a writing sample.

    Also, the coverage report rated my title AMERICAN SLAVES as being borderline WEAK. I thought it was a perfect title. The protagonists were American and they were enslaved, duh, AMERICAN SLAVES.

    I guess the problem may be because it might cause confusion with America’s history of African slaves.

    If after reading the script and an alternative title pops into someone’s head, I’m open to suggestions.

    Thank you.
    Last edited by JoeNYC; 07-03-2020, 04:43 PM.
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