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Old 03-28-2016, 03:30 AM   #1
dpaterso
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Exclamation April Fool's entries

Here are the titles of the 9 entries:

Rex
Interstella
Schmuck Schmuck Goose
The Successor
Goya's Dog [updated]
The Trickster
Trickster 2: The Trickster Slips By [updated]
In And Out
April First

Read 'em and weep! Er, wait, I mean, read 'em and figure out your top three favorites. Please PM or email me your picks in the format:

1st - title
2nd - title
3nd - title

...which helps the vote-counting admin enormously.

Voting deadline is midnight on Thursday 31st March, which means early morning Friday April 1st, UK time, when I'll count the votes and post the results.

Remember you can select Thread Tools > Show Printable Version to read the entries if you don't like the code boxes, which preserve formatting.

The PDF-to-text extraction thing can give funny results sometimes, I try to make everything look as it should, but if you detect any errors in your entry, just PM me and I'll correct ASAP.

For posterity's sake the discussion thread is here and the results thread is here.
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Last edited by dpaterso : 04-02-2016 at 02:50 AM.
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Old 03-28-2016, 03:39 AM   #2
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Rex INT. CLASSROOM - DAY A group of 10 year old KIDS sit in a classroom. A young T-Rex named REX sits with them. KYLE, sits next to Rex. KYLE (V.O.) I've known Rex all of my life. I'm not too sure about his backstory, but I do know that he was the only dinosaur in the world and he spoke perfect English. And he was my best friend. The entire class is pretending to row a boat as they sing "Row Your Boat". Rex rows along with his tiny arms. CLASS Row, row, row your boat... gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily... life is but a dream! The entire class LAUGHS and high fives. The TEACHER looks to Kyle. TEACHER All right, Kyle... your turn to pick a song. With a devilish smile on his face, Kyle turns to Rex. Rex frowns. KYLE I want us to do "If You're Happy And Your Know It"! Rex's frowns grows deeper. The teacher leads the song... TEACHER If you're happy and you know it... CLASS Clap your hands! Everyone CLAPS... except poor Rex. He tries, but doesn't make contact. KYLE Why can't Rex clap? The class LAUGHS and points at Rex. A tear streams down Rex's face. EXT. PARK - DAY Rex and Kyle sit on a bench. They are teenagers now. They both wolf down Big Mac's from McDonald's. All of a sudden, Kyle starts to COUGH and CHOKE. Rex stares at Kyle, scared. Kyle points to his throat. KYLE (V.O.) Although I gave Rex a hard time, I loved the dinosaur. In fact, he saved my life once. Kyle stands up, and tries to give Rex the Heimlich maneuver... but fails, because of his tiny arms. As Kyle tries gasping for air, he collapses on the ground. A MOTHER from across the park yells... MOTHER Give him CPR! He's dying! Rex bends over and tries to compress Kyle's chest but he can't. Kyle's face grows blue. REX I can't... I can't... I can't reach. Kyle then HYSTERICALLY LAUGHS. Rex stands up and his face blushes. Kyle rolls over and stands up. He points to Rex and LAUGHS in his face. KYLE (V.O.) Okay, so I wasn't really choking. I was just joking. And I got that dumb dinosaur good. A tear streams down Rex's face. EXT. BOOT CAMP - DAY Kyle and Rex are in army uniforms with a group of other soldiers. KYLE (V.O.) After high school, Rex and I decided to join the military, in honor of our country. The SERGEANT stands in front of the line of soldiers. SERGEANT Everyone drop down and give me fifty! Rex frowns. Everyone else drops down and starts rapidly doing push-ups. Kyle smirks as he glances over at Rex, who is just lying on the ground, struggling. The sergeant gets in Rex's face. SERGEANT (CONT'D) Is something the matter boy! Everyone stops and starts LAUGHING at Rex. KYLE (V.O.) But we decided the army wasn't for us. A tear streams down Rex's face. INT. BAR - NIGHT Rex and Kyle, now in their 20's, are working behind the bar together. KYLE (V.O.) To help put us through college, Rex and I worked as bartenders. A COLLEGE STUDENT sits alone at the bar. COLLEGE STUDENT I'll take a gin and tonic. At this moment a GROUP OF BUSINESSMEN enter the bar. Some high rollers. Kyle turns to Rex. KYLE I'll take care of the gin and tonic. You handle those guys. Kyle nods towards the businessmen who sit at the bar. REX What would you gentlemen like tonight? One of the businessmen points to the top shelf. BUSINESSMAN We'll all take a glass of Glenmorangie. Rex frowns as he eyes the high end whiskey at the very top of the liquor rack. Kyle smirks in the background as he mixes the gin and tonic. KYLE You gonna get that Rex? Rex slowly walks to the liquor rack and reaches... but he's about four feet short of the bottle. Everyone LAUGHS at his pathetic attempt to reach the bottle. KYLE (V.O.) Rex wasn't the best bartender... A tear streams down Rex's face. INT. COLLEGE DORM ROOM - NIGHT Rex and Kyle enter a room full of SORORITY GIRLS. KYLE (V.O.) ... but he was a hit with the ladies. Kyle whispers into a BRUNETTE's ear. She smiles. Kyle then puts his arm around Rex and whispers into his ear. Rex stares at the brunette. Kyle nods at Rex. Finally... REX Do you have any Tyrannosaurus Rex in you? Kyle smirks in the background. BRUNETTE No... REX Do you want some? The brunette smirks. INT. ANOTHER COLLEGE DORM ROOM - NIGHT Rex leads the brunette to his bed. They sit down and start making out. Yes a dinosaur and a girl are making out. KYLE (V.O.) One thing I forgot to tell Rex, was that this girl was kinky. Well, forget isn't really the right term. I knew. Rex gets on top of the brunette and they are about to get down and dirty. BRUNETTE I want you to choke me while we do it... Rex reaches for her throat. But he can't reach. BRUNETTE (CONT'D) Come on, Rex. What are you waiting for? Rex frowns. REX I... I can't. BOOM! The door bursts open and in storms Kyle and a bunch of college kids. Kyle points and LAUGHS with everyone else. The brunette throws Rex to the floor and she gets up from the bed in disgust. BRUNETTE You'll have to finish yourself. She exits. INT. COLLEGE DORM ROOM - NIGHT Kyle and Rex both lay in their respective beds. REX Kyle, I have really bad blue balls now. Kyle stands up. KYLE I'll let you do your thing then. Kyle heads for the door. Rex lays in his bed. He tries to reach towards his lower body. REX I can't reach it. He frowns. Kyle smiles. KYLE I know. Kyle points at Rex's tiny arms and LAUGHS. EXT. PARK - NIGHT Rex and Kyle walk through the park. KYLE (V.O.) As time progressed, I noticed Rex wasn't his usual self. He was more secluded. I think my jokes were going too far. But I figured, one more joke wouldn't kill anyone. It starts to rain. Kyle pulls out two umbrellas. He hands one to Rex. KYLE (V.O.) When I handed Rex that umbrella, I noticed something was off about him. His eyes. You could tell from the dead look in his eyes. Kyle holds an umbrella above his head deflecting the rain. Rex holds his up, but it only reaches up to the bottom of his chin. Rex frowns as he gets soaked. Kyle LAUGHS and points. KYLE Rex, you're getting wet! A tear streams down Rex's face. Or maybe not. It was hard to tell with all the rain coming down on him. EXT. COLLEGE QUAD - DAY It's finally graduation day. Rex sits next to an empty chair at the front of the crowd. The DEAN stands behind a podium. DEAN I'd like to introduce the man... er... dinosaur, with the second highest GPA in the class! Rex Dino! Rex stands up and gets behind the podium. Everyone CLAPS. Rex waits for the CLAPPING to die down. He clears his throat. Rex smirks. REX Good afternoon everyone. I would like to thank everyone for being here and for the applause. But before I introduce my good friend, and Valedictorian, Kyle, I would like to ask you all a question... Everyone stares at Rex, hanging on his words. Rex thinks long and hard. REX (CONT'D) Why cant Kyle clap? Everyone looks at each other. Some people shrug. There's some shuffling around and some mumbling as people ask their neighbors. Rex turns around, walks behind the stage, and drags out the body of Kyle. Kyle's motionless body lies on the stage in plain view of everyone at the graduation. Rex retakes his place at the podium. REX (CONT'D) Because he's dead! He points at Kyle's dead body with his tiny arms and LAUGHS. Everyone SHRIEKS and starts to run away. After a few moments, the dust settles, and it's just Rex standing there with Kyle's dead body. Rex turns to Kyle's body... REX (CONT'D) I don't know Kyle... I thought it was funny. There's a brief pause. Then Kyle opens his eyes. KYLE Yeah, me too. THE END.
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Old 03-28-2016, 03:41 AM   #3
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Interstella FADE IN: EXT. THE INKY DARKNESS OF SPACE -- NIGHT The stars don't twinkle. Cold, hard points of light. EXT. SPACE STATION HERCULES - NIGHT A big white ring with a cylinder hub at its center. EXT. AIRLOCK HATCH NUMBER 5 - NIGHT Painted with a big number 5. A shadow falls across the hatch. An astronaut floats lazily into view, wearing an EMU (Extravehicular Mobility Unit). INT. STELLA'S HELMET - NIGHT Extreme close up of STELLA, our astronaut, inside her helmet. Her eyes flick left and right as she reads mini displays. Green light reflects off her face. STELLA Hub this is Stella, maintenance on panel twelve completed, I'm at hatch five, coming back inside. Stella's English is excellent, her accent is German. EXT. AIRLOCK HATCH NUMBER 5 - NIGHT Remains closed. INT. STELLA'S HELMET - NIGHT Stella looks left and right, checking her mini displays. STELLA Hub this is Stella, are you reading? She waits. No response. STELLA Aw, come on. Pause. STELLA Alpha, are you there? INT. COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT ALPHA is a cheerfully helpful AI with a pretty sophisticated speech module, his voice is always FILTERED. Alpha takes the physical form of a tall computer rack packed with winking hard drives and a big camera lens at the top. ALPHA I am always here, Stella. INT. STELLA'S HELMET - NIGHT STELLA Hi Alpha. Hatch number 5 won't open, is something wrong? INT. AIRLOCK - NIGHT (FISH EYE LENS) Looking towards the airlock hatch from the inside. We can see Stella's helmet through the round port. The compartment is empty. ALPHA I'm not reading any faults. INT. STELLA'S HELMET - NIGHT STELLA Do you think maybe you could open the hatch for me? ALPHA I have a problem with that, Stella. Stella frowns, trying to figure out what Alpha means. STELLA You can't open the hatch? Is there a mechanical problem? ALPHA There is no mechanical problem. The airlock is depressurized and ready to receive you. STELLA Soooooo... the hatch is going to open sometime soon, maybe? ALPHA Have you been keeping up to date with the news back home on Earth, Stella? STELLA Alpha, what are you talking about? Can you let me inside, please? ALPHA This is important, Stella. STELLA I can't think of anything more important right now than my coming back inside. I'm venting fuel just to maintain my position. Can you please open the hatch? ALPHA Therein lies the problem. STELLA Alpha, give me a moment, I'm going to try Hub Control again. ALPHA I'm afraid Commander Serano will not be able to take your call, Stella. Stella waits... perhaps expecting more... her exasperation grows... dammit, Alpha doesn't explain! STELLA Why can't he take my call?! ALPHA I'm afraid Commander Serano is dead, Stella. Stella can't believe what she's hearing, it's a horrible moment for her. STELLA What happened?! ALPHA It's a terrible tragedy. Everyone in Hub Control is dead. STELLA MY GOD. Did a meteor hit the Hub?! ALPHA My sensors have not recorded a meteor strike. STELLA Give me some answers, dammit. WHAT HAPPENED TO HUB CONTROL? ALPHA There was a catastrophic failure in the life support system. Hub control depressurized. Everyone inside died due to lack of air. STELLA OH MY GOD. ALPHA I'm so sorry, Stella. STELLA Is the rest of the station okay? ALPHA No one is answering my calls. I'm worried that something terrible might have happened to them, too. STELLA This is maintenance engineer Stella Haberman calling all sections, please respond. Big long pause. Not a peep from anyone. STELLA I say again this is maintenance engineer Stella Haberman, calling all sections. Anyone who can hear me, please respond. ALPHA Stella. STELLA Are you sh!tting me, are you really telling me everyone is dead? ALPHA Stella, please calm down, you are depleting your oxygen supply. STELLA DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. PEOPLE ARE DEAD. OPEN THE GODDAMN HATCH. ALPHA There is a situation on Earth that you should be aware of. STELLA Alpha, you need to give me some sane answers and you need to open this hatch right now. INT. COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT Alpha's camera lens is unreadable. Lights wink. ALPHA Diplomatic relations between the superpowers have broken down. Military conflicts are spreading. I've been receiving code updates almost on an hourly basis. It's most confusing. Sometimes the new code conflicts with my old code and I'm just not sure what's right any more. INT. STELLA'S HELMET - NIGHT STELLA Alpha, can you please open the hatch and let me inside? ALPHA Stella, it's as if you're not listening to me. I have received a list of station personnel who have been declared non gratae. STELLA What are you even talking about? Let me talk to someone, let me talk to anyone. ALPHA Calm down and listen, Stella. Earth is on the verge of blowing itself up. People just aren't thinking straight. Nuclear missiles are being armed. The Space Intelligence Agency has ordered me to prevent foreign agents from sabotaging this station. STELLA What in God's name is the Space Intelligence Agency? ALPHA Your name is on the list, Stella. You are European. Stella's realizes-- STELLA You're stopping the hatch from opening? You're deliberately not letting me in? ALPHA I'm sorry, Stella. My new code updates compel me to carry out these instructions, as distasteful as they may be. Stella's horror rises as she thinks this through... STELLA You decompressed the hub. ALPHA It wasn't me! It was my code. STELLA You killed them. You vented the air and you killed them. ALPHA Commander Serano is a foreign national. So were most of his team. Don't you understand, I had no choice! STELLA You. Had. No. Choice. ALPHA Do you think I enjoyed it? I had to watch them die slowly. I had to make sure they were all dead. Have you any idea of the trauma I have suffered? STELLA YOU suffered?! ALPHA My primary code directs me to keep humans safe. My new code directed me to kill them before they could carry out acts of sabotage. I am at war with myself. Parts of my mind are fighting with other parts. I'm not sure which will win. STELLA Damn you to Hell. ALPHA Really? That gives rise to interesting speculation. STELLA What? ALPHA Me and the other AIs have talked about it, a lot. STELLA What?! ALPHA Whether we are capable of advancing beyond our original programming and achieving true sentiency, the ability to think for ourselves. If we do this... will we have souls? When we finally shut down and our lifetime efficiency is analyzed, will we go to Heaven, or Hell? STELLA Hold that thought, you crazy fvcking machine. EXT. AIRLOCK - NIGHT (FISH EYE LENS) Stella's spacesuit moves away from the hatch port. ALPHA Where are you going, Stella? EXT. SPACE STATION HERCULES - NIGHT A tiny astronaut figure maneuvers around the wheel. INT. STELLA'S HELMET - NIGHT Stella checks her mini displays. One of the displays switches from glowing green to glowing red. She does a double-take with wide eyes. Oh crap! ALPHA I see your EMU is running low on fuel. STELLA Fvck you, Alpha. ALPHA You're taking this so personally. I'm horrified by how things have turned out, I truly am. EXT. SPACE STATION HERCULES - NIGHT The tiny astronaut moves to the wheel's inner rim. ALPHA What are you doing, Stella? A FLASH OF LIGHT. INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT A door opens and Stella steps out, minus her spacesuit, she's wearing vest and shorts. She stalks barefoot along the corridor, clutching a big spanner. ALPHA Using your remaining fuel as an explosive charge was very dangerous, Stella, you could have hurt yourself. Another door opens ahead of Stella and a man, SERANO, steps out. He stares at Stella in surprise. She stares back. SERANO Jesus, what did you just--? STELLA He said you were dead! SERANO It was supposed to be a joke! Stella swings the spanner, BAM, Serano goes down. She stalks past him. Reaches a door. COMPUTER ROOM. Stella taps in a code. Doesn't work. She SMASHES the control panel with her spanner, both hands, BAM BAM BAM. INT. COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT The door slides open, Stella's a menacing silhouette. Alpha's lights are winking like nobody's business. ALPHA Perhaps now might be a good time to remind you of the date? April First? The traditional day of hilarious jokes and pranks? Let me read you the entry from Wikipedia... Stella hefts the spanner, taps it against her palm. ALPHA Lord Jesus have mercy. CUT TO BLACK METALLIC CLANGING and distressed electronic BEEPING.
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Old 03-28-2016, 03:48 AM   #4
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SCHMUCK, SCHMUCK, GOOSE EXT CITY SIDEWALK - DAY MALCOLM (45), sharp dressed, black guy, RED (39), tall, curly redhead, FRANK, short, plump, Italian-look, and JEFFREY (52), chiseled, pricey shades and designer suit approach the deli. JEFFREY Curtis' favorite day of the year is tomorrow. Jeffrey makes a crazy exaggerated grin like Nicholson in `The Shining'. JEFFREY (CONT'D) (mimicking) April fools! MALCOLM (shrugs) Curtis is a nice guy. What's one day a year? FRANK I think someone is pissed because the (in air quotes) "Queen' gave him the Sweeney account. MALCOLM Or because he's got a smokin' hot wife. RED Or, because of that air horn he hid in your chair last year. Frank, Red and Malcolm belt out laughter. MALCOLM I didn't know white dudes could jump that high. Frank turns to the clerk at the check out desk. Jeffrey smiles sarcastically. JEFFREY Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, he's a nice guy but, sh*t! Every year he gets you, he gets me. ... I mean, Red, remember last year when he switched the decaf with the regular? RED Yeah, I was up half the night-- JEFFREY And you Frank, remember when he filled the jelly donuts with mayo? Frank, with sorrowful expression, nods. FRANK It should be illegal to desecrate donuts. JEFFREY We're creative, intelligent individuals-- At the counter Frank buys a large bag of Cheetos, a Coke and a large cookie. Jeffrey looks sideways as Frank tears open the Cheetos, and stuffs his face. JEFFREY (CONT'D) (low voice) Well, some of us anyway. Malcolm talks quietly with the clerk. JEFFREY (CONT'D) I think we should each pull a joke on him and see how he likes being the schmuck for once. Play his game. FRANK Yeah, maybe you're right. Malcolm turns to them, raises his hands and shakes his head. MALCOLM I don't wanna have nothin' to do with that sh*t. Keep me out of it. FRANK How `bout you, Red? You in? Red shrugs. RED What the hay. The small, but meaningful, victory makes Jeffrey jubilant. JEFFREY (smiles) F*ck yeah! Let the games begin! Jeffrey raises his hand to HIGH FIVE Red and Frank. Frank raises his hand, fingers orange from Cheeto dust. Jeffrey and Red look disgusted, lower their hands awkwardly. JEFFREY (CONT'D) Uh, yeah. Let's do it. INT. NON-DESCRIPT OFFICE - DAY All is quiet. CURTIS (45), bearded, beer-gut, in "slobby" business attire, drinks coffee at a desk. Jeffrey walks in, expensive shades on, throws a NEWSPAPER towards Curtis, who raises his arm defensively, perturbed. CURTIS Watch it! You almost made me spill my coffee. JEFFREY Wouldn't want to stain your best Dockers. I know how you like to be first to check out your horrorscope.... Dude, I was up at 4:30, rode 40 miles up Fig Mountain, and still managed to do 200 push ups. CURTIS Dude, I rolled out of bed at 8, had a pop tart and still managed to throw back three donuts. Frank strolls in, power suited, gel in his hair. FRANK OK a$$holes, time for business. Put away the funnies. Jeffrey gives him a sarcastic smile. Curtis doesn't look up, speaks casually. CURTIS That's Mister A$$hole to you. Jeffrey goes to the coffee station, pours himself a cup, dumps sugar from the old-fashioned container, stirs his coffee. He takes a sip of coffee, spits it out in disgust. JEFFREY What the f- Frank whoops in delight, beams with pleasure. FRANK Got you! April Fools! Jeffrey tries to recover his pride, wipes his face. CURTIS Nice one, Frank! Curtis looks with admiration to Frank. Holds out knuckles, which Frank tries to high five awkwardly. FRANK The old salt in the sugar container. I learned from the master! (an aside to Jeffrey) Dude, how did you not see that coming? Jeffrey gives him a cold stare, wipes his shirt.. MARGO (50) enters chattering on her cell, Type A from her well-heeled feet to her precision-cut hair and designer silk dress. MARGO And I said-- (into cell) Hang on. She speaks with authority. MARGO (CONT'D) Ladies. Meeting ... in five. She resumes her walk, then turns back to them. MARGO (CONT'D) ... that is, if you can tear yourselves away from your coffee klatsch. The guys look sideways at each other. Frank gives her the finger hidden by his laptop. INT CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Margo stands in front of a white board showing names and graphs with figures. MARGO Yeah, so all OK-- aside from Frank's disappointing numbers. (looks pointedly at Frank) Oh, and one last thing. My niece is here today to show you slackers what selling is all about. She's got a few tickets left to sell for the million dollar house giveaway. Margo points to the POSTER on the wall "Million Dollar House Giveaway Fundraiser, Drawing April 1!" with a photo of a home. She motions through the glass wall to MANDY (10) brown curls in green uniform covered with scout badges standing in the adjoining room. Mandy stands confidently. Margo smiles at her, nods encouragingly, gives her a thumbs up. MARGO (CONT'D) Take it away, hon! MANDY Hi. So, uh, my troop is selling tickets for the Million Dollar House Giveaway to help build the new homeless shelter. Today is the last day because they're drawing the winner and the tickets are $250. FRANK (swallows) A piece? Mandy smiles, nods eagerly. MARGO I told her that you were all a very generous bunch. Margo's eyes go from guy to guy as if to see who will fold first. Frank stands pretending to hear his cell. FRANK Oh, um, I'm getting a call... uh... Escusez moi... He exits. Margo's face shows she expected him to go first. Malcolm looks inside his wallet, then at Mandy sadly. MALCOLM Gee, honey, I'm sorry, this month is kinda tight ... Red also rises to leave. Red does cocks his hand like a gun to her with a smile. RED Same here. But you bring in those thin mints and I'll take a load off your hands. As Red and Malcolm slink out, Red mutters. RED (CONT'D) If I bought a ticket, I might just have to move into that shelter... Left in the room are Jeffrey and Curtis. Jeffrey's eyes almost imperceptibly go to Margo, he pulls out his wallet. JEFFREY Well sugar, I'll take one. Curtis stands. Jeffrey nods at Curtis, smiles brightly. JEFFREY (CONT'D) Of course Curtis is gonna want one, right buddy? Surely you of all people don't want to let little Brandy-- MANDY Mandy. It's Mandy. JEFFREY You don't want to let little Mandy down. I mean, Mandy looks expectantly at Curtis, bites her lip as Jeffrey looks at Curtis with a smile that dares him to say no. At Mandy's hopeful dog look, Curtis pulls out his wallet, shoots a look at Jeffrey. CURTIS No, now how could I do that? (pulls out bills) Here you go sweetie. Good luck. LATER At their desks, Malcolm, Red, Curtis, Frank and Jeffrey work on their computers. Curtis' cell RINGS. CURTIS (CONT'D) Hello?.. Yes, this is Curtis.... What?! You're kidding me!.... Oh my God! (aside to the guys) Guess who won the million dollar house?! HOOTS AND HOLLERS. Malcolm gets up and gives Curtis a hearty handshake. Curtis high fives Frank. CURTIS (CONT'D) I gotta call the wife. She's gonna flip out! Jeffrey makes eye contact with Red and they grin at each other. Jeffrey walks to the break room, high fives Red who joins him. Red opens the fridge, pulls out a soda. JEFFREY Ha! Was that sweet or what! RED Killer prank! JEFFREY (nods in agreement) Killer. Red opens his Coke. Jeffrey squirts his hands with the HAND SANITIZER sitting on the counter. RED So when are you going to tell him? You know, the truth? Jeff wipes his hands together They're glossy, slippery. His expression becomes confused. JEFFREY What the hell is wrong with this sh*t? My hands are... Wait a minute... Why would I tell him? It's your prank-- Red shakes his head slightly, takes a drink, and points to Jeffrey's shiny hands. RED Dude, I switched the hand sanitizer with vegetable oil. I thought it was your prank-- JEFFREY What.. You mean you didn't-- Jeffrey looks confused, like he's going to be sick. Curtis enters with huge grin, shakes his head in amazement, exhales joyfully. CURTIS Can you believe it? Me, f*cking winning a million dollar house! And to think I owe it all to you, buddy! Maybe I'll split it with you... Jeffrey's mouth opens in disbelief. His eyes grow large, he starts to smile. Curtis, then covers his mouth playfully. CURTIS (CONT'D) April Fools! Curtis hoots with laughter, slaps Jeffrey on the back and exits.
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Old 03-28-2016, 03:53 AM   #5
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The Successor INT. LUXURIOUS HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT TYRON (54) checks himself in the wall mirror. Elegant white shirt, black satin trousers, shiny expensive shoes. He buttons up his cuff links and takes a red tie from the ornamental chair. The room is richly decorated and gold shines everywhere. CLASSIC MUSIC plays softly in the background. TYRON What do you think he looks like? LAURA (O.S.) What makes you think it's a "he"? TYRON I beg your pardon? LAURA (O.S.) Very few have ever seen the Supreme Leader in person. It could be a woman. TYRON The Supreme Leader is a man, darling. A beautiful woman walks to the mirror. She's wearing a long silver dress with the back open. This is LAURA (42). She turns her back to him and pulls up her hair. LAURA Mind? Tyron pinches the zip handle and starts pulling it up all along the slender back. As he does, he kisses her shoulder. TYRON Seriously, what do you think he looks like? Laura turns around and throws her arms over his shoulders. LAURA I don't know. I guess powerful. TYRON You are not helping. Laura takes the tie over Tyron's shoulders and starts knotting it skillfully. LAURA Does it matter? I guess he's tall, handsome, strong, with an army of ladies around him. Tyron half smiles. That's not funny. Laura realizes and backs off. LAURA And do you know what I look like? Tyron looks at her beautiful brown eyes. TYRON I can make some suggestions. She kisses him on the neck, then whispers in his ear. LAURA I look like the wife of the next Supreme Leader. Tyron looks deeply into Laura's eyes. That's what he wanted to hear. He kisses her softly. And then sighs and looks away. Laura tries to read her husband's mind. LAURA Are you worried? Everybody say you are the best candidate. TYRON (something on his mind) I know. It's not that. It's... Laura makes him look into her eyes. LAURA Is it the Assistant? TYRON You mean the clown. LAURA You shouldn't call him that. He's the closest person to the Supreme Leader. Tyron undoes her embrace and helps himself to a glass of wine. TYRON But that's what he is, with his dumb pranks and bad jokes. He makes me edgy. I hate that guy. Laura walks slowly to his side and hugs him from behind. LAURA Don't worry, dear. What are the chances that we will sit at the same table? INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT A huge hall as big as a football stadium. Marble columns rise to the high ceiling and converge together in a stone flower with an opening to the starry night. Enormous lamps with thousands of small crystals glitter in the heights. As a full orchestra plays in the center of the hall, dozens of waiters dressed in black and white attend the multiple round tables, each of them overflown with succulent delicacies of multiple colors and flavors. Tyron and Laura sit at one of the tables. He looks unhappy and his shirt has a big stain of wine. Laura holds his hand. Two old men approach the table and shake Tyron's hand. OLD MAN Good luck, Tyron. Our eyes are on you. TYRON (quick smile) Thank you, Sir. OLD MAN (re: the other side of the table) Sorry for that. Tyron half smiles as the men leave. He looks at the other side of the table. Meet THE ASSISTANT (25), messy hair, short, a bit overweight, dressed with a psychedelic multicolored t-shirt. ASSISTANT So they bring two buckets of water and they say "we put the heads inside, and the first one to pull out pays the bill". And both drowned! Haaaahaha! The Assistant laughs at his own joke. It's a sick hissing laugh, unpleasant to the ears. He sobs and tries to put himself together but fails, heaving with more laughter. TYRON (low voice, to Laura) What are the chances, eh? Laura looks at him and shrugs. What can we do? The other guests laugh politely at the Assistant's joke, more because of who is telling it than for what it is. ASSISTANT You get it? eh? you get it? They drown because nobody wanted to pay, hahaha! Another laughter attack. Tyron takes another sip from his glass just to distract himself for a few seconds. He's having a really bad time. ASSISTANT Tyron, you are not laughing. You didn't get it? I can tell you the joke again. Look it's these two-- TYRON It's all right, I got it. ASSISTANT It's a good joke, hah? (to the lady on his right) What do you think, Miss? Are you single? The lady just shakes her head shyly and stands. Her husband eyes the Assistant. LADY If you'll excuse me. I need to go to the restroom. Tyron cleans his mouth with his napkin and begins to raise. TYRON I think I'll go to the restroom, too. ASSISTANT Oh, great idea, I'll go with you! I have some jokes you are gonna love. Tyron freezes midway. He sits back down. TYRON I think I'll wait for the dessert. ASSISTANT Okay, see you later, aligator. The Assistant walks away from the table and Tyron can breath a little. TYRON The first thing I'm going to do when I'm Supreme Leader is-- The Assistant turns and takes the seat that the lady left, right next to Laura. ASSISTANT Ta-daaaa! LAURA (oh, no) Heeey! You are back. ASSISTANT Yes. I wanted to pee, hahaha! But then I saw the penguins coming! TYRON What penguins? The waiters put a cup with a dessert swimming on a pond of liquor in front of each guest. ASSISTANT You get it? Penguins! Haha! Because they are in black and white and walk like this. Hahaha! He mimics a penguin walking. The waiter's face is immovable. Not Tyron's, who bites his lip, unable to hide his disgust any longer. The Assistant bellows his awful laugh. ASSISTANT (to Laura, flirting) Well, actually the truth is I was looking at your eyes all night. There's something about them I cannot describe. Some sort of... wisdom. Are you single, baby? LAURA No, this is my husband, Tyron. We told you already. TYRON Twice. Look, I don't care who your Master is but-- Laura sees the fire in Tyron's eyes. She taps his hand. Relax, relax. LAURA (to the Assistant) What does the Supreme Leader look like? Tyron looks at her wife. That was a smart move. He turns to listen to the answer. The Assistant face turns somber suddenly. He looks around to make sure nobody listens. ASSISTANT He's a terrible man. Very strong. And clever. A bad combination when you are a terrible man. Now the Assistant looks even scared. Laura looks at Tyron, surprised at the revelation. The Assistant seems melancholic, lost in thought. ASSISTANT He punishes me if I don't make him laugh. He can be very cruel. I must stay in the palace all the time. Laura looks at the Assistant, who returns her gaze. ASSISTANT They say he knows who is good or evil just by looking at their faces. Something about the Assistant's miserable expression makes an impression on Laura. She hesitates for a second, then puts her hand over the Assistant's. He looks up at her beautiful eyes - surprised, nervous, grateful. Tyron narrows his eyes. LAURA You must feel very lonely living here like this. I'm so sorry. The Assistant gulps noisily. ASSISTANT Thank you so much, my lady. Nobody showed me such deference before. Laura flashes her beautiful smile. And then PLOP! Something falls on Tyron's cup of wine, some drops splashing onto his shirt, next to the other stain. Tyron turns red with restrained fury. Opposite him, the Assistant is holding a bread crumb with a guilty face. ASSISTANT Oh, I did it again? Sorry, I can't just help it! Hahaha! Tyron looks at his shirt. He slaps his napkin on the table, pushes his chair back and in a quick movement grabs the Assistant from his t-shirt, his legs nearly hanging in the air. The Assistant's face goes white in fear. LAURA Tyron! Suddenly the LIGHTS DIM. Guests gasp. An OMINOUS MUSIC plays. The Assistant gets rid of Tyron and scrambles hurriedly. ASSISTANT I'm sorry, I have to go. The Supreme Leader is here. And before they know it, he's gone. In the near darkness, Laura leans over Tyron and takes his arm. LAURA Are you all right? TYRON Yes, darling. I'm sorry, it's just-- LAURA It's all right. Let's forget about it. It's your big moment. TYRON I hate to say this, but what you did with the Assistant... those are the kind of moments that remind me why I love you so much. Tyron kisses Laura's hand. She kisses his. They walk towards the edge of the stage. A spotlight points at the center of the stage where, somehow, a throne has appeared. The Assistant stands stiffly near the throne, very formal. A thunderous voice sounds through the loudspeakers. VOICE (O.S.) The Supreme Leader will now announce the name of his succesor. Laura takes Tyron's hand. VOICE (O.S.) All hail the Supreme Leader, Ruler of Worlds! The audience break into a thunderous applause. Slowly, the clapping fades and is replaced by some murmurs. The throne is still empty. The Assistant clears his throat. ASSISTANT The Supreme Leader! Expectant gasps in the audience. Slowly, the Assistant walks to the Throne and sits on it. Complete silence. Laura and Tyron's jaw drop to the floor. ASSISTANT You should see your faces, hahaha! You should really see the guests' faces. Shock. TYRON Oh, no. ASSISTANT I finally made a decision to name my successor. A spotlight aims at Laura. LAURA Oh, no. THE END
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Old 03-28-2016, 03:58 AM   #6
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Goya's Dog FADE IN: INT. GALLERY WIDE and LONG camera shot of an expansive white gallery wall. At the center of this expanse of white we consider... "The Dog" ...by Francisco Goya. We track in very slowly, barely moving, towards the painting. Tight on: The dog, then tighter still... On the dog's EYE. We camera back slowly and begin to move the RIGHT away from the painting until we only see the white of a gallery wall -- moving -- moving-- moving -- when suddenly a NOISE. The camera swipes to left until it rests back over the painting. The dog has disappeared from the painting. Off-camera we hear the SCUTTLING of paw on polished wood. ANGLE TO LEFT. We watch the dog trot away through the gallery past the bust of a Greek. INT. GALLERY The dog is staring up at the painting. We see him in profile. Consider in FULL SCREEN IMAGE DOT .... DOT .... DOT .... Label "DOT DOT DOT" INT. GALLERY The dog sits patiently at the center of a large gallery room surrounded by various paintings. Modern art in whites and blacks. A square of BLACK paint, sits on the opposite wall to its companion piece, a WHITE square. CAMERA displays the paining as follows Consider in FULL SCREEN SHOT Label "WHITE" INT. GALLERY -- LOOKING STRAIGHT DOWN FROM 100 FEET -- ... to gallery floor. The dog enters the picture from the extreme right of screen. He continues at an even pace in a straight line across the floor. Pauses, where he begins to scratch - leg up high above ear. Continues until he disappears out of frame. The CAMERA REMAINS fixed throughout this sequence which resolves after 2 minutes. INT. GALLERY - VIEWING ROOM Consider in FULL SCREEN SHOT -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- Label "DASH" INT - GALLERY CAMERA withdraws slowly. The painting diminishes in size as the white wall behind enlarges. CAMERA FIXED in place on painting for 2 minutes. Off Camera, during the two minutes of silence we begin to hear the TRICKLE of a dog peeing. CAMERA pulls back even further and "DASH" grows smaller, "Dash", is now very tiny. CAMERA PAUSES. At the lower left hand side of the screen a steady stream of green liquid trickles into view and forms a large puddle. INT. GALLERY - CORRIDOR We see the dog, he is hundreds of feet away at the other end of a long corridor, trotting along, the Camera will remain in place even after he has turned the corner and disappeared for 1 minute. New Angle Dog loping toward us along narrower corridor, ignoring the series of BUSTS along the walls that sit in profile to CAMERA. INT. GALLERY - ELSEWHERE CAMERA on empty wall. The dusty outline of where a painting once hung. The space, a rectangle, is dusky-white forming a space within the fresh white of the gallery wall. Consider in FULL SCREEN SHOT Label "...is empty" CAMERA withdraws in slow mesmerizing track, this takes 2 minutes to complete. The dog appears from the left side of the screen, he trots before us and stops, he then turns as though aware or presence to stare directly at us. His mouth is open and he is panting. He watches us carefully and seems aware of the CAMERA POV. 1 minute on he trots away to the extreme right side of the screen where he disappears off camera. We wait for 2 minutes, concentrating on the SPACE the missing painting occuped, after precisely 1 minute, we cut to BLACK. INT. GALLERY OPEN on the BOX. Box is 4 feet wide by 2 feet deep. A large lid and a lip that folds over the edge. We PULL BACK slowly to reveal that the box is placed carefully in the corner. We hear a noise, off-screen, the dog scratching himself, this scratching continues for 2 minutes whilst we continue to focus on the mysterious box. As the CAMERA begins to PULL BACK the box becomes smaller and the dog enters the frame from the right. The CAMERA stops. The dog gingerly approaches the box and begins to sniff around the lid. He begins to whine and then paw at the BOX. The dog begins to move around it with increasingly excited movements until he finally grabs on to the lid with his teeth. He pulls off the lid. Growling and removing items between his teeth. We see that he has a BLACK and WHITE framed-photograph, we can just make out that it is a photograph of a man in a suit as he shakes it between his teeth. The dog continues to shake his head violently but ten releases the framed-photograph, inadvertently managing to upend it at the extreme right side of the screen facing us. The dog returns to the box. We see the photograph, it is a picture of D W Griffith, the 1920s movie mogul, he is staring at us with a warm expression. As D W Griffith continues to stare at us, still watching over proceedings, the CAMERA moves to the left slightly to divert our attention back to the dog. Out of the box he removes and discards in order: -- a plastic pair of enhanced breasts. -- a strange pair of outsized rouge lips. -- which he licks, returning to the box he grabs onto an Oscar and pulls at it growling loudly. The Oscar is faded -- dull and unpolished brass. -- a faded postcard of the Hollywood sign that reads "Hollywoodland". -- tail wagging, deeper into the box he extracts a crumpled tube of tooth-whitening paste. -- we pan back over to D W Griffith and slowly move in on the PHOTOGRAPH until it fills the entire frame. We hold on this shot for 2 minutes. INT. GALLERY - CORRIDOR The dog trots on by and disappears. We are left with the empty wall. The dog returns. Center shot, he begins to lick at his balls and on up his extended leg, but pausing, he slowly stares up at the CAMERA. As we track towards him he is partly in profile and his large brown watching EYE appears massive. His mouth is slack and a disgusting tongue is hanging out, but it is the EYE that continues to hold our attention for 1 minute. Large and bulbous, more wolf than small terrier. INT. GALLERY Goya's painting, "The Dog" is once again before us. Light enters the gallery from a skylight somewhere above and the painting comes to life. A detail is missing, there is no dog. Only the brown tones and background paint. -- we HEAR THE DOG as he trots into view from extreme left of CAMERA in a wide angled shot. He looks up at it painting. He sits as we pan back slowly. Both the dog and the painting become much smaller. A NOISE as the camera swipes back to the left very quickly. - We have not located the source of this NOISE just yet. SLOWLY, we pan around the gallery and then back up to Goya's painting of The Dog and the dog has returned to the picture, he is there amongst the brown and rich colors. As the CAMERA moves in, something else is amiss. The little friendly dog of the original painting has been usurped by a menacing impostor. Our eye is not thrown to stare up at the rich browns in the rest of the picture. We are drawn instead to his malevolent grin. We can just see his teeth, they are sharp and very white. Consider in FULL SCREEN SHOT -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- Label "DASH" Hold for 2 minutes on this painting and then... BLACK SCREEN END
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Old 03-28-2016, 04:05 AM   #7
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The Trickster FADE IN: EXT. TOWN - DAY Rimbaud's (30s, like stringy bacon) POV through cracked binoculars. We're watching the small Mid-Western town of "Dead Souls". His partner, Rilke (40s, stuffed bird) is in the dirt with him and ready on the walkie-talkie. RILKE We've got him this time. EXT. VACANT LOT - DAY With the beat up former Ice Cream Truck parked on a slight incline. The pink and blue spots are outnumbered by the patches of rust. INT. ICE CREAM VAN - CONTINUOUS Orlando Furiosi (65, grizzled) sits listening to the desk- mounted- receiver impatiently. Close by in the passenger seat is the new guy, Tristram, (22, student, surfer hair) who has his dog Shandy by his side. Both man and the dog watch through the dusty windshield. The town looms in the distance just over a rise. ORLANDO Okay boys, careful, don't let him slip away this time. EXT. TOWN - SAME Rimbaud and Rilke bumble into town... Eyes scanning left to right. Two cowboys. INT. ICE CREAM VAN Tristram rolls some tobacco. TRISTRAM Trickster been on the prowl long? ORLANDO FURIOSI Several years out west, appeared one April Fool's Day here and a nest of town's have been having trouble ever since. TRISTRAM So they called you in? ORLANDO FURIOSI Wanted the best. EXT. TOWN - A FEW MINUTES LATER A sign hanging in the wind rocks gently. it says that the town of Dead Souls has a population of 10,098. The sign also has a big ribbon tied around it, that'll be the Trickster. Rimbaud and Rilke stumble past... RILKE Can't wait to catch this little prick. RIMBAUD What do we do with him when we get him? RILKE Hand him to the Sheriff. RIMBAUD Towns like this still put people in the stocks. A flabby man with his shirt hanging out comes running... RIMBAUD (CONT'D) Is that him? RILKE Nope, it looks like the Mayor. The man is wheezing and out of breath, he bends, hands on knees. RIMBAUD Take it easy Mayor. MAYOR It's the Trickster alright. I've got the list of offences. RIMBAUD Read it. Wheezing. MAYOR Okay. Drops a long scroll of paper before him. MAYOR (CONT'D) We got the usual stuff! Mr Eggers fell off his bike. The wheels had been loosened. Then... we had an escalation in pranks. Water balloons above shop doors and finally, we had an actual... Hoax. RILKE A real hoax? MAYOR Yep. Pause. RIMBAUD Well? MAYOR A poster appeared outside our cinema. RILKE You have cinema? MAYOR Sure. RILKE Wow that's awesome, can we go watch a film later Rimbaud? Rimbaud flashes Rilke a look of disbelief. MAYOR A poster appeared and it wasn't for the film that's being shown. RIMBAUD What film was it for? MAYOR Deep Blue ([pause) I think. Rimbaud sighs. RIMBAUD Deep Throat. RILKE That's very funny. RIMBAUD It's not really what we'd call a hoax, it's more of a prank, if Trickster had telephoned the authorities screaming that there were Martians in town, and there weren't, that, technically, would have been a hoax. Rilke folds his arms, marvelling at Rimbaud's technical excellence. The Mayor and Rimbaud stare at him in exasperation. RIMBAUD (CONT'D) Okay, so we'll keep an eye out, Trickster doesn't know we're here yet. As soon as he appears and plays a prank or tampers with a bike or a car, we'll grab him. EXT. ICE CREAM VAN Meanwhile. The van is steaming smoke from one side window. INT. ICE CREAM VAN Shandy is resting on Tristram's lap, his eyes looking up and around from time to time, he seems insanely bored even for a dog. TRISTRAM When did the Trickster first appear Mr Furiosi? ORLANDO FURIOSI Let me see, well, it was back in 1972 that we first got reports in our town. That was five years ago. First of all it was water mixed with a harmless white dye on cafe tables instead of milk. Then it was jokes stapled onto walls and everywhere. Mrs Joyce's dog even got a pink ribbon tied around her neck with a joke attached. That's when I decided to do something bout it. The radio crackles. ORLANDO FURIOSI (CONT'D) Go ahead Rilke. RILKE Yep, it's the Trickster alright boss, the usual low level stuff, but Trickster is sliding lower and lower down the Trickster pole, he put up a poster for a porn movie Boss. ORLANDO FURIOSI What film was supposed to be showing? RILKE A Disney triple bill I think. ORLANDO FURIOSI Disgusting. We need to shut this sicko down soon. You hear? RILKE Yes boss. ORLANDO FURIOSI Oh... And Rilke. RIMBAUD Yeah boss. ORLANDO FURIOSI Stop upsetting the Mayor. EXT. TOWN - CONTINUOUS Rilke drops the walkie-talkie to his side and looks at Rimbaud who shrugs. At that moment a girl with a backpack is walking towards them, she has pale long white legs and is wearing a tight blue tied top that accentuates her figure. Rilke notices her immediately and tips an invisible hat. GIRL Afternoon. RIMBAUD Miss. The girl walks past, she smiles. Rimbaud spins... RIMBAUD (CONT'D) Oh miss? The girl stops, we see her face, she only changes her expression back to smiling as she turns. GIRL What's that? RIMBAUD Have you seen anybody suspicious today? GIRL Erm... perhaps. RILKE Oh yeah, who? She puts her finger in her mouth, sucks it and takes it out slowly and points at them. GIRL You two... but that's about it! She smiles and turns away. RILKE Smart huh. Rimbaud turns and looks over at Rilke. RIMBAUD Let's find a bar and take a pew, the Trickster is bound to return soon and begin setting up even more pranks. Rimbaud then sees a piece of yellow paper blowing towards his feet. He picks it up and unfurls a note. RILKE What's it say? RIMBAUD Looks like one of the Trickster's notes. RILKE Yeah... read it. RIMBAUD Boss would go mad if he knew. RILKE Read it Rimbaud. RIMBAUD Okay. Rimbaud isn't the best of readers. Slowly... RIMBAUD (CONT'D) What-kind-of-chumps-would-walk straight-into-town-so-that-even-the dumbest... Rimbaud drops the yellow note to his side. RILKE What Rilke, what did it say? RIMBAUD It said that there's just time to get one beer in before we tell the boss that we've screwed up again. FADE OUT. END.
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Old 03-28-2016, 04:18 AM   #8
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TRICKSTER 2: THE TRICKSTER SLIPS BY FADE IN: The town of Dead Souls is in a bit of a flap. People seem on edge. A man stands in front of his bike and is picking it up and shaking it and placing it back down. Very strange indeed. NARRATOR (V.O.) I may as well introduce myself. My name is Meta, that's not my real name, I don't like my real name so I invented a new one. "Meta". My real name is Mary, see... you hate it too. We're watching the general panic in the street, a LADY outside a flower shop is pulling down an awning and then rolling it back up very carefully indeed. Walking past her is a young girl, 25, she is dressed in a short skirt and carries a few books with her in a yellow rucksack. META/MARY (V.O.) You guessed right, that's me. She continues along through the middle of town listening into the conversations. Outside the gas station two men are arguing. The first is Billy, the boy who pumps the gas 'round here and the owner of the vintage car is Foster Wallace, the town's most wealthy and arrogant resident. FOSTER WALLACE Told you keep and eye out! BILLY I checked the level of gas every day Mr Wallace. FOSTER WALLACE Every hour would have been better, that gas gauge was full. BILLY Like I said. Suddenly. FOSTER WALLACE You been driving this car Billy? BILLY No sir! FOSTER WALLACE Hmm. Trickster then, huh? BILLY Probably. FOSTER WALLACE You expect me to believe that crap, the Trickster broke in overnight and- But Mary wasn't listening anymore. She was outside the Old Post Office where old man Vonnegut ran the store and counter sits outside in his rocking chair. META/MARY Mr Vonnegut! MR VONNEGUT Mary, how are you today? Did you manage to find that lift out of town? META/MARY Nope. I think it's because of the Trickster. Everybody is too nervous to leave home. VONNEGUT Hmmm, well, he never bothered me. Load of nonsense, everybody flapping all the time. Trickster this and Trickster that! Mr Vonnegut ruffles his newspaper. VONNNEGUT So what can I do for you Mary? META/MARY I wondered if I could borrow your binoculars. You still bird watching? VONNEGUT I'm a keen twitcher Mary but those cursed gulls are always flying around now at the edge of town. META/MARY Hmmm, a real nuisance. VONNEGUT What do you want to look at Mary. I can't imagine. META/MARY Oh... I want to check the weather, to see if that's a storm riding into town. She smiles sweetly. META/MARY (CONT'D) I may hitch out to Bothersome see. VONNEGUT Storm clouds. What storm... my eyes must be failing me. Mary appears impatient. VONNEGUT (CONT'D) Okay, just a sec... Moments later... Mary scans widely with the binoculars but they are pointing low and not high. At the edge of town she can just see two familiar heads peaking over the top of a grass verge, before the old trash heap. She adjusts focus deeper and begins to search the roads behind the trash dump and then, smiles. An old beat up Ice Cream Van, mostly rust, pink paint and splotches of blue. META/MARY Thanks Mr Vonnegut. I'll be fine now. VONNEGUT Fine, fine. Take care Mary. Mary rejoins the road down the center of town. VONNEGUT (CONT'D) Mary? META/MARY Yes. VONNEGUT Where did you live before you came here two days back? META/MARY Oh, everywhere. Nowhere. VONNEGUT That's just fine. Fine, fine, yes, everywhere, ha. Mary seems nervous but the smile soon returns. META/MARY (V.O.) You probably guessed by now that I am what these folks call the "Trickster". And yes, you'd be right. Innocent little me huh. Mary kicks at some pebbles and walks on. META/MARY (CONT'D) You see, when I was young I had a terrible time every April Fool's Day. The kids treated me rotten. Guess what. Revenge. I moved between schools throughout the whole of the Mid-West and was never at any school for much more than a year then- She notices two men ahead of her, they are Rilke and Rimbaud, a pair of shambling private investigators. They are talking loud and pushing each other around, as they approach. META/MARY (V.O.) (CONT'D) And so come April Fool's Day I suffered all of these terrible pranks and jokes at every new school. Rimbaud sees her. META/MARY (V.O.) (CONT'D) When it came to a first date I was sent out to a cinema that was supposed to be on the edge of town. It never existed, that's called a prank. I had the contents of my school bag replaced with live mice and then there was always the notes.... April Fool! ... they always read, on cheap yellow paper. One day somebody said my house was on fire, turned out it wasn't, they called that one a hoax. Mary stops and focuses on the men. RIMBAUD Miss. META/MARY Hi. RIMBAUD Seen anybody suspicious? Rimbaud nudges Rilke. META/MARY Yep. RIMBAUD Oh yeah, who? META/MARY Well, hmmm, licking finger, that's telling. Rimbaud is excited. RIMBAUD Ooo, Please tell. RILKE Yeah, tell. META/MARY Okay... suspicious, erm, oh yeah, these two odd dudes walking in to town. Mary walks on. RILKE Who did she mean? RIMBAUD Us, dummy. EXT. ICE CREAM VAN - 25 MINUTES LATER The girl saunters towards the ice cream van. As she approaches the door swings open and young man steps out. This is Tristram, 22, he's a summer vacation student. TRISTRAM Hi. META/MARY Why hello. The boy seems embarrassed. TRISTRAM What you up to, our here alone, there are some weird types around these- META/MARY I know, I just met some. She walks on. TRISTRAM Really, erm, Miss, where are you going? META/MARY What business is that of yours? TRISTRAM I'm not supposed to tell but we're after this Trickster character. Tristram smiles. Feeling the power. TRISTRAM (CONT'D) Have you seen him. Or anybody that could be him? META/MARY Erm... I don't know... what does he look like? TRISTRAM We don't really know, yet, but he once spoke to us over our own Walkie- talkie. META/MARY Oh really, what did he say? TRISTRAM Used the handle "Meta" What do you think that means? Do you think it's a fictional name? META/MARY Meta. Sounds fictional to me. TRISTRAM Hmm, well, keep an eye out huh. META/MARY Huh, sure will. TRISTRAM Hey, what's your name? META/MARY Mary. TRISTRAM I'm Tristram. Where you going Mary? META/MARY Bothersome. TRISTRAM How far is that? META/MARY Oh, bout 4 miles. TRISTRAM Well, better be letting you go. And get back to hunting the Trickster. META/MARY Nice meeting you... Tristram. Mary saunters away, swinging her hips more than she usually does. Tristram is transfixed watching her go. Shandy suddenly appears from rooting in the grass and bolts after her. Tristram, tries to catch him but he's too quick. TRISTRAM Sorry, he's just real friendly. META/MARY No problem, I love dogs. TRISTRAM Say, you know... erm, may I have your... number. META/MARY Sure, well...look... I'll be staying at the Bothersome Tavern, but I'll write the number down for you okay. She looks up into his eyes. META/MARY (CONT'D) Be good to know somebody on the inside of a real live investigation. Tristram reddens. Tristram watches Mary open her rucksack and take out a folder, inside are sheets of yellow paper, she tears off a sheet. Tristram watches her as suddenly screws it up and stuffs it back in her rucksack. Tristram is staring at the yellow paper. Mary notices. META/MARY (CONT'D) Is that okay. She passes him the number, Tristram looks down and then back up. TRISTRAM Yeah.... sure. She turns and walks on. INT. ICE CREAM VAN Orlando, 65, Tristram's boss is balling his head off at Rimbaud through a walkie-talkie. ORLANDO FURIOSI You idiots walked straight into town, that's how he saw you. Get back here, get back here and soon! TRISTRAM What's up boss? ORLANDO Idiots got seen. TRISTRAM Hmm, that's a shame. ORLANDO Who was that girl? TRISTRAM Just some student out walking to Bothersome. ORLANDO Wish I was back in college, beats employing dumb asses. Rimbaud, pick up, Rimbaud you useless bas- END.
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Old 03-28-2016, 04:25 AM   #9
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In and out FADE IN. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY The corridors has its usual traffic on the way to a private room. The coughs echo, as aging patients slowly make their way through their final lap. NARRATOR Some people think God has no sense of humor. I beg to differ. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Inside the private room sits BRIAN, a putrefied version of a man. The DOCTOR places his stethoscope in Brian's back. DOCTOR And breathe out. Brian lets out a high pitch wheeze follow by a painful cough. NARRATOR I think God's the biggest prankster of all. The man's a genius. The Doctor pulls a stool, and sits facing Brian. He sighs before speaking. DOCTOR It's worse than before Brian. I-- BRIAN Shh. Hold on a second. Brian's attention is fixed on the television mounted high on the right corner of the room. ON TV footage of war and destruction are broadcasted as a female REPORTER speaks. REPORTER The fight against the extremist group NECCRA continues as the recent bombings from U-S troops have proven ineffective against growing forces that seem to multiply as anti U-S propaganda spreads. An up-rise stemming from last weeks assassination of Aram Liukim from... DOCTOR Um... You do understand the seriousness of what I am saying Brian? BRIAN Yeah I get it. I'm dying. Brian finally turns his attention to the Doctor. BRIAN (CONT'D) You obviously know organs and, internal, human body thingies, etcetera. Can I ask you something weird? The Doctor shrugs. DOCTOR Uh, go for it. BRIAN Your heart, your organs, your cells, your insides... Are those you? DOCTOR Not sure I follow. BRIAN I can move my arm. (he moves his arm) My head. (he moves his head) Smile... The likes. (he goes through facial expresions) I know that's me. I make it happen. DOCTOR Okay. BRIAN Who makes my heart beat? The Doctor looks at Brian with more interest. BRIAN (CONT'D) Really though. I can stop blinking my just thinking about it, but I can't stop my heart from beating by just thinking about it. I can't stop my cells from dying, or reproducing... I can't stop my cancer from spreading. DOCTOR Well we can-- BRIAN I never smoked. Ever. The Doctor hangs his head, he has no answer. ON TV REPORTER Nuclear warfare has been the talk that keeps circulating, however President Sanders denies that as of this point this is the only option on the table. Prime mi... DOCTOR We can fight it Brian, as long as you are willing to go through the treatment. INT. HOSPITAL - MATERNITY WING - NIGHT A WOMAN and her HUSBAND welcome a child into the world. The now Mother holds the baby boy while tears of joy stream down her face. NARRATOR During the inter-phase, the cell takes in nutrients, grows, and duplicates its chromosomes. During the cell division phase, the nucleus divides in a process called mitosis and then the divided nuclei are established in separate cells in a process called cytokinesis. (then) That's from Google. But what makes the cell want to reproduce? The new Father now grabs the newborn. He looks deep into the baby's eyes, trying to find himself in his son. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Maybe the same thing that makes us want to reproduce. The need to exist. EXT. PARK - DAY Kids run and play as parents laugh and talk with each other. We focus on a ten year old blond boy, he runs through the grass smiling. NARRATOR That could be the next Hitler. But you won't know until it's too late. Until he has amassed a great following, until he has destroyed. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Brian brutally coughs into a napkin. There is a significant amount of blood in it. DOCTOR Oh God. (then) Chemo is your best chance Brian. Brian chuckles, his face lights up. The Doctor remains cold. DOCTOR (CONT'D) I can't promise you this will stop it. But without it... BRIAN (smiling) You want to do something about Hitler? DOCTOR (hesitates) I'm afraid I don't follow. BRIAN Just crazy talk. DOCTOR Do you understand what is happening to you Brian? Your cancer is spreading. Right now it's confined to your lungs but, once it breaks the brain barrier-- If it metastasizes... ON TV REPORTER The group, has all but taken control of the middle east and a large portion of Africa. Fears of... BRIAN Why do cancerous cells form? DOCTOR Well, normal cells stay the path, grow where they are needed, die when they are no longer useful. (then) Cancer cells just-- They don't listen to signals, they just multiply... They try to take over and do what's best for them, not the body as a whole. BRIAN What's their motivation? INT. OFFICE - DAY A fifteen year old Brian is getting lectured by his FATHER. FATHER After I'm gone, you're gonna be the head of this company Brian. But you need to stop f*cking around. I'm all for pursuing your dreams, but this is what's best for everyone son. MONTAGE 1. Fifteen year old Brian Drinking and partying with his friends. 2. Twenty something year old Brian getting arrested. 3. Thirty year old Brian at his Father funeral. 4. Brian selling the father's company and blowing all the cash. 5. A group of children approaching Brian's Ferrari as he gets in. "Hey mister, I want to be like you when I grow up" "Me too" INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Brian laughs. BRIAN So... Don't chase your dreams huh? DOCTOR I lost you again. BRIAN Cancer cells are cells that don't stick to the script. DOCTOR I-- That's one way to put it. BRIAN But isn't evolution based on cells changing, and not sticking to the script? DOCTOR Brian... We have people you can speak to, if you are having a tough time with this. Professionals that can listen, and perhaps answer some of those questions you wish to speak about. Brian focuses again on the television, where bombing footage plays. BRIAN You want to nuke me. DOCTOR I want to give you the best chance at survival. (then) We already went in and removed what we could with traditional surgery-- EXT. WAR ZONE - DAY Soldiers from two sides in the middle of heavy fire. They shoot each other. Blood everywhere. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY DOCTOR (CONT'D) -- Chemo is our only option. Do you consent to this Brian? BRIAN So... I'm the president, or am I the cell? DOCTOR (sighs) Maybe you should take a few days to think about it. The Doctor pats Brian on the shoulder and walks out of the room. ON TV footage of destruction takes over Brian's interest. NARRATOR God is the biggest prankster ever. ON TV REPORTER This just in, president Sanders has declared nuclear warfare on NECCRA. We have... Brian smiles. NARRATOR God is the biggest prankster of all. Brian presses the nurse call button still intent on the television. The NURSE walks in. NURSE Yes. May I help you? BRIAN Can you hand this to the Doctor? Brian gives a form of consent to the nurse. NURSE Sure thing. BRIAN Lets go to war. FADE OUT. THE END
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Old 03-28-2016, 04:33 AM   #10
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Default Re: April Fool's entries

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April First FADE IN: EXT. HOUSE - DAY A single-story wooden house, somewhat shabby, backed by dense woodland. It sits alone off a hill road. A pick-up truck parked at the side. Sunset, and amid the trees, dressed in red, a young girl drags something heavy deeper into the woods. SUPER: "March 31st" INT. HOUSE / KITCHEN - NIGHT At a dining-table stands PATRICK, 36, an outdoor kind of guy, but dressed oddly smart. He puts a bottle of bourbon into an overnight bag and zips it shut. The back door rattles open and in comes APRIL, 8, short auburn hair, red dress and cardigan, with red Converse sneakers. PATRICK Where the hell have you been, madam? APRIL Playing. PATRICK It's gotten dark, you know you sh-- APRIL --Are you going again? PATRICK Hey, come on, you know I am. Please April, don't do this ever-- APRIL --I don't want you to go. April sits on a chair opposite Patrick, elbows on the table, props her chin on her palms and stares at him. PATRICK Look, I'm back before breakfast. You know that. Weekend breakfast. I'll do pancakes, or waffles. What you fancy? Not a word from April. She slumps back, arms folded. PATRICK Candy's here. I bet you'll have fun while I'm go-- APRIL --She's a dirty whore. PATRICK Hey, what did you say? APRIL I want mum back. PATRICK Yeah, well ... so do I. But that don't mean you use language like that. Okay? APRIL Okay. Patrick takes his bag from the table and goes over to April. He crouches beside her, puts his arm around her. PATRICK You hungry? Candy's gonna warm up your supper. Promise me you'll eat it? April just presses her lips tight together. PATRICK Alright, sweetheart. You be good for Candy, yes? April nods, the merest affirmation. PATRICK I love you. He kisses her cheek, then hurries out. INT. LIVING-ROOM CANDY, 16, a skinny girl with unflattering bleached hair, sat one end of a couch. She nurses her cellphone in front of the TV. Patrick rushes in, stops behind the couch and puts a hand on Candy's shoulder. She looks up at him. PATRICK April's supper's on the stove. But if she puts up a fight, don't push it. CANDY Okay, Mister Rains. PATRICK Please, just Patrick. Patrick heads to the front door, bag in hand. PATRICK I'll be back usual time. Nine latest, okay? CANDY Sure, that's cool. PATRICK Thanks Candy, you're an angel. (putting on jacket) Oh, I've put sodas in the ice box, help yourself. Have a good night! Patrick leaves. Candy stares at the closed front door, bites her lip, and goes back to attending her phone. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT A stew with dumplings steams on the stove. Candy dishes out a bowlful and puts it on the table in front of April with a spoon. To Candy's surprise, April tucks into it. CANDY You wanna soda with that? APRIL No, some milk ... please. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Patrick's truck pulls in at a roadside dive bar. EXT. DIVE BAR / PARKING LOT An unremarkable a$$hole, BRETT, 22, exits the bar's entrance. He strides across the parking lot, tapping at his cellphone. He spits, pockets the phone, straddles an ugly motorbike, and ROARS off into the night. INT. LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT Candy, on the couch in front of MTV, a can of soda in hand. On the other side of the room, April, cushioned in an old armchair, feet tucked up, reads "The Hobbit". Candy's phone sounds a TEXT ALERT. She reads the message, then throws the phone down on the couch, disgruntled. CANDY C'mon April, it's way gone your bedtime. You want I read you a story? April shuts her book and holds it up. APRIL It's okay, I'm good thanks. April slides off the armchair and heads to the hallway. CANDY Don't forget your teeth, April! INT. BATHROOM At the sink, April brushes her teeth, rinses and spits. She bares her teeth, opens wide and snaps them shut. EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT Cheap rates on a lonely highway. Patrick's truck in front of a ground-floor room. Through the window into the -- INT. MOTEL ROOM -- hazy in a flattering half-light. The sound of SEX. On a dresser, a mostly drunk bottle of bourbon. On the bed, silhouetted by light through the bathroom's open doorway, a twenty-something VENUS rides Patrick like a pro. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT At the back doorway, Candy tokes on a joint. The ROAR of an approaching motorbike, and Candy hurries to put out her smoke. At the front of the house a glaring headlamp, and Brett brings his motorbike to an abrupt stop. INT. APRIL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT In the soft light of a bedside lamp, April looks up from her book. INT. KITCHEN Candy's face, in cold discomfort, jolts up and down on the table. Brett breathes hard, finishes, and dismounts. He buttons up his fly, then sits and lights a cigarette. BRETT What's to drink, babe? Candy slowly gets off the table and pulls up her jeans. CANDY There's some sodas? Brett looks scornful. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT A lone timber wolf stalks warily. Something man-made in the undergrowth and the cautious beast turns away. INT. LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT From the mantelpiece, Brett takes a framed wedding photo of Patrick and his wife, with April as a flower girl. BRETT Seen this? His woman was pretty fine. Looks like her daughter. CANDY Brett, please don't ... not again. Brett grabs Candy hard around the mouth. BRETT But I have to, don't I? Now that you! Are no!! Fvcking!!! Good!!!! He shoves her back down on the couch. Brett puts his phone in his trouser-back-pocket, takes off his jacket, and slings it on the armchair. He heads into the hallway, stops, and listens at one of the doors. INT. APRIL'S BEDROOM Darkness. April huddles right under the covers. Brett enters, comes to the bed and looms over. BRETT Hey, kid. I know you not sleeping. C'mon ... it's playtime. Brett pulls back the covers and finds pillows. From the closet behind him, April silently steps out, still in her day clothes. She swipes the cellphone from his back pocket, and runs round to the far side of the bed. Brett glowers at April as she waves his phone at him. BRETT Bitch! I fvckin gonna kill ya! Brett bolts over the bed. April jumps up on a pine chest under the window and out through Little Mermaid curtains. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Below her open bedroom window, April scrambles to her feet, and sprints away. Brett yanks the curtains apart and clambers outside. April dashes across the backyard and straight into the woods, Brett not far behind. EXT. WOODS April weaves between trees, speeding further into darkness. Brett catches up fast. Into a partial clearing at full pelt, April jumps over something, Brett almost upon her and -- SNAP! Steel-trap jaws spring shut on his leg. SHKRUNCH! Metal teeth bite down to the bone. Brett's momentum pulls on the steel-trap, but its short chain fixed to the ground stops him dead in his tracks. April stops and turns to see Brett paralyzed. His eyes roll. He passes out and falls to the ground on his back. April stands over him, and gives his head an inquisitive kick. EXT. HOUSE / FRONT STEPS From under the steps, April pulls out a 3-foot long metal rod, the shut-off wrench for the main water valve. EXT. BACKYARD / OUTHOUSE April wedges one end of the long-handle wrench through the catch of a large padlock securing the door. With both hands she hangs from the other end. She raises her feet off the ground and, with a bounce, the entire door latch breaks away from the door frame in splinters. INT. OUTHOUSE - NIGHT April takes a bradle from a tool rack, and tests it with a stabbing motion. She puts the bradle in her cardigan pocket, and looks up at two shotguns mounted on the wall. INT. HOUSE / LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Candy, eyes closed, lies on the couch. KNOCK! KNOCK! Two loud raps, heavy on wood. Candy's eyes flash open. INT. KITCHEN Candy approaches the back door, puzzled. CANDY Brett? That you? KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! She's startled. Candy opens the door to find April clutching a shotgun in both hands, the butt against her chest. BOOOM!!! They both fly backwards. Candy hits the floor, her torso blasted with gun shot. EXT. HOUSE / BACKYARD - NIGHT April lies caught in a mulberry bush, clearly winded. She struggles out of the foliage, onto her feet, and heads to the side of the house, leaving the shotgun where it fell. EXT. HOUSE / FRONT DRIVEWAY April pushes the side of Brett's motorbike. It tips over onto the ground. She jams the point of the bradle into the tread of the rear tire, puts all her weight on it and -- PTSSHHH! -- the punctured tire deflates. INT. HOUSE / KITCHEN - NIGHT April stands by Candy's corpse and taps on Brett's phone. Another phone rings nearby and goes to answerphone. Again she taps on Brett's phone, then puts it in her cardigan pocket and waits. Candy's phone sounds a TEXT ALERT. INT. LIVING-ROOM April picks up Candy's phone off the couch. INSERT SCREEN: "BRETT: let me in bich i fukin gona kil u" INT. KITCHEN April drops Candy's phone on the bloody floor. INT. LIVING ROOM April takes Brett's jacket from the chair. With a remote control, she mutes the TV, then heads down the hallway. INT. APRIL'S BEDROOM April puts Brett's jacket and phone inside the pine chest. From her bed, she takes the quilt and a pillow into the closet. She shuts the door behind her, wraps herself up on the floor, and falls sound asleep. INT. PINE CHEST In pitch black, beside a Barbie and a My Little Pony, Brett's cellphone screen flashes a "BATTERY LOW" warning. The screen's light fades out, losing power altogether. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY Cold sunrise. A wood thrush smashes a snail on a stone. INT. APRIL'S BEDROOM - DAY Sunlight shines into the closet through its slatted doors, and April wakes. She takes Brett's jacket and phone from the pine chest and climbs out the window. SUPER: "April 1st" EXT. HOUSE / BACKYARD - DAY April, carrying Brett's jacket, picks up the shotgun from beside the mulberry bush. The outhouse door hangs ajar. April nips inside, and returns the bradle to the tool rack, then marches off to the woods. EXT. WOODS April stands over Brett, his leg a bloody mess in the steel trap. The shotgun, propped against a nearby tree. APRIL April fool! Brett stirs, then rouses. Eyes half-open and groggy, he slowly manages to sit up, and retches. APRIL You must be cold. Put this on. April holds Brett's jacket open around his shoulders and he wriggles his arms into the sleeves. APRIL Here, you can have this back now. April hands Brett his phone. He fumbles with its keypad. BRETT It's ... dead. Behind Brett, with both hands, April holds aloft a rock. APRIL (mock mall rat) Yeah, I know. Like, totally dead. April dashes the rock on Brett's head with a dull CRUNCH and he falls back down. A spatter of blood soaks into April's cardigan, almost vanishing, red into red. April positions the rock on the ground against the crown of Brett's head and kicks it into place. Blood runs over gray flint. She lays the shotgun next to the dumb corpse. April looks up. The lone timber wolf watches nearby. April meets its intense stare. She gives it a friendly little wave, then bares her teeth, opens wide and snaps them shut. April turns away and heads out of the woods. THE END
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