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Old 09-15-2017, 08:52 PM   #1
Mark Somers
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Default Results - Dog Days of Summer

Points .................................................. ........................................

Ghosts and Demons 2 2 2 1 total 7 StoryWriter

Let Slip the Dogs of War 3 3 3 3 3 1 total 16 DangoForth

Summer Daze 2 2 1 total 5 AnconRanger

Killer Tower 1 1 total 2 14001

Dogtown 3 2 total 5 dpaterso

Jacob's Point 3 2 1 total 6 bioprofessor

A Deep Sleep 1 1 total 2 jonpiper

Dog Day of Summer 3 2 total 5 Centos



A big applause for DangoForth not just for winning but also giving up the prize to the second place winner, StoryWriter.


You guys did great and thanks for participating.

Notes and comments can be posited on this thread.

Again thanks.


For posterity, here's the discussion thread, and here's the entries thread.

Last edited by dpaterso : 09-19-2017 at 02:45 AM. Reason: links added
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Old 09-15-2017, 09:55 PM   #2
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

huge congrats to dangoforth and to all who participated! and thanks to mark for running the contest and for his good humor.

i voted for:
1st place-Let Slip the Dogs of War (this one stood out, to me. the rest were SO close)
2nd-Dogtown
3rd-A Deep Sleep

a last thought--i believe what made LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR stand out so much to me was the writing, subject matter, and the twist at the end also kind of reminded me of an old bluegrass song, BRINGING MARY HOME, about a man who sees a girl by the road at night, he picks her up in his car and she tells him where she lives, he takes her there but when he gets there she is not in his car. he goes to the door, knocks, her mother opens the door, he tries to explain what he cannot, and she tells him that 10 years ago her daughter got killed where he had first seen her. and every year, on that date, someone shows up at her door as they are trying to bring her daughter, mary, home. she is a ghost. always liked those kind of stories. good old song. i did not see the twist coming in the short script and it worked. good stuff!

Last edited by AnconRanger : 09-15-2017 at 10:38 PM.
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Old 09-15-2017, 11:36 PM   #3
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

Congratulations to DangoForth. I was one who voted this number one. It really did stand out. I also voted for Ghosts and Demons as number two. And Killer Tower was my number three. I've got some notes and comments, but I want to "polish" them a little before posting – probably tomorrow.

Thanks again to Mark for the exercise.
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Last edited by Centos : 09-16-2017 at 12:52 AM.
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:08 AM   #4
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnconRanger View Post
a last thought--i believe what made LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR stand out so much to me was the writing, subject matter, and the twist at the end also kind of reminded me of an old bluegrass song, BRINGING MARY HOME, about a man who sees a girl by the road at night, he picks her up in his car and she tells him where she lives, he takes her there but when he gets there she is not in his car. he goes to the door, knocks, her mother opens the door, he tries to explain what he cannot, and she tells him that 10 years ago her daughter got killed where he had first seen her. and every year, on that date, someone shows up at her door as they are trying to bring her daughter, mary, home. she is a ghost. always liked those kind of stories. good old song. i did not see the twist coming in the short script and it worked. good stuff!
That sounds like a better one than Laurie (Strange Things Happen in This World) ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0N4nyYS5aA

Or Phantom 309 ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCeVP9WuA6I

Bringing Mary Home ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpZbcSzd1vk
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:09 AM   #5
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

Well done the winners! Fun contest, lots of good reads.

My votes went like:

1st - Dog Day of Summer
2nd - Jacob's Point
3rd - Let Slip the Dogs of War

I had Jacob's Point in 1st and Let Slip in 2nd and Summer Daze in 3rd place, but then Dog Day of Summer got posted and I really liked that, so Summer Daze got bumped out of my top three, alas. I couldn't tell who'd written what.

For what it's worth here are my thoughts on the entries, scribbled as I gave them a second read.

Ghosts and Demons

I liked what I read and I think this could be something, but right now it's like an excerpt, a slice of something bigger. Just missed a vote. Budget consideration: CGI required.

Let Slip the Dogs of War

A pretty readable period piece that ends up being a ghost story. Gets a vote. Budget consideration: needs a stuntman for that fall into the river, something less dangerous could work just as well.

Summer Daze

BOBBY DAZE's interaction with the unnamed WOMAN (why are their names always capped?) was amusing. The ending was kinda quirky and just seemed to fizzle out, though. Just missed a vote. Budget consideration: requires dogs that can act.

Killer Tower

This felt like a TV movie adapted from a Stephen King story, I wondered if you (the author) visualized animated CGI or just clever camerawork angles and threatening music. Jerry learns a lesson in humility, I guess, though the image of two pylons duking it out is kinda bizarre. Just missed a vote. Usually I just ignore typos and try to concentrate on the writing instead but "Jerry’s eyebrows are deeply frown." really does need fixed.

Dogtown

Mine. I am of course astounded that it wasn't a runaway winner with all the votes awarded. No politics intended, BULLDOG PRESIDENT doesn't have orange hair or anything, it's just a bit of fun. Budget consideration: rubber dog masks required.

Jacob's Point

I liked most of this, the trained killer bees were a wee bit bizarre though, I mean how can you plan what bees will do? They could as easily have flown away and not touched anyone. What all this does for Iris is uncertain, and what's to stop the punks from coming after Jacob later goes unanswered, but the writing and visuals were clear and the main character risks his a$$ to get revenge on those who wronged him, so I felt this entry earned a righteous vote.

A Deep Sleep

By the time I finished reading this entry, I was thinking there's just too much I wouldn't know if I were watching the movie -- it's maybe explained in the script but how would it be conveyed to me as a viewer? The bigger question maybe is what's the point of James's long sleep experience? There doesn't seem to be one. With something like this, I'd maybe be trying to think of ways to convey his horror at being trapped and unable to move or speak. Unfortunately this isn't touched upon, James's inner thoughts remain kinda bland and uninvolving, sorry.

Dog Day of Summer

I could happily have watched more of this. What we have here, unless I'm mistaken, is a clever idea worthy of a movie, a town full of were-people who turn into savage dogs during daylight hours (or is it the other way round, are they were-dogs who turn into people? haha) and a were-dog-people hunter who's a werewolf. Uh, at least I think that's what's happening. Has this already been done before? Not sure. Gets a vote! Budget consideration: requires CGI and/or dogs that can act.

And a big nod to Mark for doing the biz and putting up the prize.
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:30 AM   #6
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

Writing Contest Comments (I just decided to go ahead and post them -- please, don't anyone take anything I say too seriously. These are just my personal opinions.)

Ghosts and Demons

Good descriptive writing. Good characterization. It had characters you cared about (or detested). Kind of hard to understand, however, why Jill would stay in the house after the creep's attack. And this is after she stayed when the ghost and demons showed up (which is closer to being believable, depending on how desperate she was). Still a strong story. This one got my #2 vote.

Nigglings ... Several "it's" where "its" should have been used. One "mans throttling ..." where "man's" should have been used. Actually it probably should have been "ghost's" throttling hand ... And twice the ghost's "fist" throttled demons. A fist is incapable of throttling.

Let Slip the Dogs of War

Characters you cared about. Strong story. Good pacing. Good twist at the end. Maybe the dialog was a little "on the nose" but it read better the second time through. This one got my #1 vote.

Niggling ... One line took me out of the story and just didn't "feel" right. When Jonah is told "this is going to hurt" he responds with "you think???" Maybe I'm wrong, but I just can't see this line in a Civil War time frame.

Summer Daze

Just too many suspension of disbelief moments. One piled on top of another. Didn't feel "real." The first line that pulled me completely out of the story is when the dog "smiled." Dogs don't smile. While I sympathize with the plight of abused dogs, this script came across as overwrought and "preachy." I think the point could be made more subtly and believably.

Killer Tower

This one was weird, but it entertained me. It was so over the top that it was fun. Good description, strong ending. And weird. What more can I say. I liked it enough to give it the #3 vote. In a weaker contest this one might have won, but it was up against some pretty good short scripts.

Dogtown

Probably a personal thing, but this was was hard to get into to for me. The description was strong but it just seemed the dialog (puns and quips) didn't really fit the situation ... especially when Mr. Goodboy (who is supposedly "frozen with fear") makes the comment about "doggie style" when he's about to be killed. That's kind of the way the way the whole script worked for me. A serious undertone, not taken seriously by the characters -- it was hard to reconcile the two.

Jacob's Point

I liked the description, the dialog and the characters – (Jacob and Iris) and their interaction – but I would liked to see a more clever and less vicious "revenge" than what Jacob (and Iris?) concocted. It seemed petty and beneath them. I would have also liked to have a seen a stronger ending ... something more substantial than just Jacob getting a new car from Iris. Getting a package from your next-door neighbor seemed kind of an anti-climax. I was thinking maybe Jacob would BE next door with Iris.

A Deep Sleep

I liked the way this one started, good description, decent dialog (though a little on the nose) ... but it didn't seem to go anywhere. After working through this story you would think that we would at least get to see James wake up and – somehow – the new Amanda and James just (miraculously) hit it off. James wouldn't even know he's in a whole new world (at first). But we really didn't get a resolution (in my opinion). Just a series of events that *may* have gone somewhere (though we weren't allowed to see it if they did). Honestly, kind of frustrating. Promising start though.

Dog Day of Summer

My pathetic attempt. I thought I was "clever" with the Lee Grant (North and South), blue/gray eyes, blue/gray car -- but honestly, I really didn't set this story up at all. It was supposed to be a world where werewolves and weredogs were mortal enemies and Lee Grant was a legendary werewolf warrior. Sorry for submitting something so unfinished. (And someone gave this a number one vote?!)
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:34 AM   #7
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

Quote:
Originally Posted by dpaterso View Post
Dog Day of Summer

I could happily have watched more of this. What we have here, unless I'm mistaken, is a clever idea worthy of a movie, a town full of were-people who turn into savage dogs during daylight hours (or is it the other way round, are they were-dogs who turn into people? haha) and a were-dog-people hunter who's a werewolf. Uh, at least I think that's what's happening. Has this already been done before? Not sure. Gets a vote! Budget consideration: requires CGI and/or dogs that can act.
So you're the ONE who voted for this? But you (surprisingly, considering how sparse it was) did get where I was trying to go. (Or where I would have gone if I actually put more effort into it.) Thanks for the kind comments.
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Old 09-16-2017, 01:57 AM   #8
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

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Originally Posted by Centos View Post
That sounds like a better one than Laurie (Strange Things Happen in This World) ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0N4nyYS5aA

Or Phantom 309 ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCeVP9WuA6I

Bringing Mary Home ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpZbcSzd1vk
Nobody does this stuff better than the Irish.

Three Little Babes

Hick's Farewell

The Long Black Veil

The Turkish Song of the Damned

Now you know why I'm demented.
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:07 AM   #9
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Centos View Post
Writing Contest Comments (I just decided to go ahead and post them -- please, don't anyone take anything I say too seriously. These are just my personal opinions.)

Ghosts and Demons

Good descriptive writing. Good characterization. It had characters you cared about (or detested). Kind of hard to understand, however, why Jill would stay in the house after the creep's attack. And this is after she stayed when the ghost and demons showed up (which is closer to being believable, depending on how desperate she was). Still a strong story. This one got my #2 vote.

Nigglings ... Several "it's" where "its" should have been used. One "mans throttling ..." where "man's" should have been used. Actually it probably should have been "ghost's" throttling hand ... And twice the ghost's "fist" throttled demons. A fist is incapable of throttling.
"A fist is incapable of throttling." Depends on how big the hand is and how hard it is throttling. In this case the hand was really big and was throttling really hard. Throttle a straw, you'll see what I mean. I actually took fist out at one point but added it back in, because that's the image I saw.

The "it's" "its" "mans" "ghosts" thing bugs the crap out of me. My only defense is, I wrote this in around two and a half hours and proofread once. Proofreading my own stuff is practically pointless, because I always see it the way I "meant" to write, not what I actually wrote. Normally I let my daughter proofread my stuff and she catches most of this. But since I was at work, it was only me and my broken eyes.

I did know the "why she doesn't get the hell out of the house" thing was a weak point. At first I was going to write in an elaborate thingamajig that was chasing her but decided that that was too cumbersome. I tried to hint at the beginning that what was floating around the house was not as bad as what she was running from. I then decided it would be better to justify her staying because she thought the big ghost would protect her -- that's why she ran back up to the bedroom near the end. But then I promptly forgot to put that reasoning in the story.

If anybody is wondering why the title had "Ghosts" (plural), it's because the last page, which I decided not to write, had more ghosts. Right or wrong it just felt better to stop it where I stopped it.

Thanks everyone for the 2nd place vote on this -- I think you were exceedingly generous. This was pretty rough and dpaterso is right -- even though it wasn't my intent, it does read like part of a story. And maybe it will be sometime.

I'll try to make some comments on the other (more worthy entries later), but for now, my votes...

1) Let Slip the Dogs of War
One of those you read and say: "This is the winner", even if you haven't read anything else yet. One line of dialogue really bothered me. But than decided that dialogue is fixable -- this is a great story.
2) Dog Day of Summer
I gave this a second-place vote because I liked the description. After reading dpaterso's review, I think I should have read it again. I think I missed a lot. (Although it wouldn't have beaten Let Slip the Dogs anyway.)
3) Jacob's Point
I considered this one for number one -- well written, then it dropped to two, then three. Based mostly on the revenge. I don't know what I expected, but when the wise, old lady got involved I was hoping for something a little more profound and a little less petty.

Thanks again, Mark. I was surprised you didn't have an entry. It seems like with all the work you did you should have at least had the fun of writing an entry.
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:38 AM   #10
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Default Re: Results - Dog Days of Summer

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"A fist is incapable of throttling." Depends on how big the hand is and how hard it is throttling. In this case the hand was really big and was throttling really hard. Throttle a straw, you'll see what I mean. I actually took fist out at one point but added it back in, because that's the image I saw.
Okay. But a fist is a hand closed in on itself. A fist, by definition, is an empty hand, or rather a hand filled with its own fingers. Or, as Webster's defines it ... "1. The hand with the fingers doubled into the palm; the closed hand, especially as clinched tightly for the purpose of striking a blow." Your ghost's hand would be closed around a demon's neck. Not closed in on itself.

(It's getting really niggling now. Sorry.)
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