Greetings, DD citizens.
I need some slugline feedback.
I have a scene that takes place within a moving crowd, with two bad guys (Hartung and Lowes) following our protag (Barry) on foot. This scene takes place at a small town fair. Things are closing down for the night. Barry has just left a demolition derby. Hartung and Lowes are following him, but have fallen back in the unexpectedly large crowd. Their initial plan was to stick closely with him until he's eventually alone, then kill him. Barry does not know he's being followed.
A prior pre-fair scene established that Barry arrived on his little motorcycle and parked in a lot, while Hartung and Lowes, who were following him in their truck, had to find a parking spot blocks away.
THE QUESTION is whether or not I need sluglines to establish where the now separated Hartung and Lowes are in relation to Barry, who is further ahead in the crowd.
As this scene stands (and it's just a 1st draft) does this read clearly, fluidly? Do you get where everyone is, relative to each other? Do Hartung and Lowes need some some kind of slugline when we switch back and forth to them as they talk on their cell phones? Or does it work as-is, without changing sluglines?
Thanks in advance.
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I need some slugline feedback.
I have a scene that takes place within a moving crowd, with two bad guys (Hartung and Lowes) following our protag (Barry) on foot. This scene takes place at a small town fair. Things are closing down for the night. Barry has just left a demolition derby. Hartung and Lowes are following him, but have fallen back in the unexpectedly large crowd. Their initial plan was to stick closely with him until he's eventually alone, then kill him. Barry does not know he's being followed.
A prior pre-fair scene established that Barry arrived on his little motorcycle and parked in a lot, while Hartung and Lowes, who were following him in their truck, had to find a parking spot blocks away.
THE QUESTION is whether or not I need sluglines to establish where the now separated Hartung and Lowes are in relation to Barry, who is further ahead in the crowd.
As this scene stands (and it's just a 1st draft) does this read clearly, fluidly? Do you get where everyone is, relative to each other? Do Hartung and Lowes need some some kind of slugline when we switch back and forth to them as they talk on their cell phones? Or does it work as-is, without changing sluglines?
Thanks in advance.
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Code:
EXT. BARN DANCE - NIGHT Barry passes by a barn with a lit up sign out front that reads: COOLIDGE DAYS HOOTENANY - 5 LIVE BANDS TONIGHT! The doors swing open and a large well-served, BOISTEROUS CROWD pours out into the night. The lights on the sign go dark as the revelers mix in with the demolition derby crowd heading for the parking lot. Lowes, moving with the crowd, hops up and down looking for Barry up ahead, without luck. His cell rings, he answers. LOWES Yeah... No, I don't see him. He's in there somewhere. Hartung is further back in the crowd, on his cell. HARTUNG Move forward. Get to the parking lot, find his bike and puncture a ****ing tire. Lowes pushes ahead, leading with his elbows. EXT. FAIR PARKING LOT - NIGHT Barry walks into the parking lot, jammed with cars trying to get out. He finds his Honda, hops on, starts it up and weaves his way through the clogged lot. Lowes makes his way to the edge of the lot, sees Barry as he pulls around a line of cars. He watches as Barry slips away out of the lot and down the road.
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