Sluglines within a moving crowd

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  • Sluglines within a moving crowd

    Greetings, DD citizens.

    I need some slugline feedback.

    I have a scene that takes place within a moving crowd, with two bad guys (Hartung and Lowes) following our protag (Barry) on foot. This scene takes place at a small town fair. Things are closing down for the night. Barry has just left a demolition derby. Hartung and Lowes are following him, but have fallen back in the unexpectedly large crowd. Their initial plan was to stick closely with him until he's eventually alone, then kill him. Barry does not know he's being followed.

    A prior pre-fair scene established that Barry arrived on his little motorcycle and parked in a lot, while Hartung and Lowes, who were following him in their truck, had to find a parking spot blocks away.

    THE QUESTION is whether or not I need sluglines to establish where the now separated Hartung and Lowes are in relation to Barry, who is further ahead in the crowd.

    As this scene stands (and it's just a 1st draft) does this read clearly, fluidly? Do you get where everyone is, relative to each other? Do Hartung and Lowes need some some kind of slugline when we switch back and forth to them as they talk on their cell phones? Or does it work as-is, without changing sluglines?

    Thanks in advance.

    -------

    Code:
    EXT. BARN DANCE - NIGHT
    
                   Barry passes by a barn with a lit up sign out front that 
                   reads: COOLIDGE DAYS HOOTENANY - 5 LIVE BANDS TONIGHT! 
    
                   The doors swing open and a large well-served, BOISTEROUS 
                   CROWD pours out into the night. The lights on the sign go 
                   dark as the revelers mix in with the demolition derby crowd 
                   heading for the parking lot. 
    
                   Lowes, moving with the crowd, hops up and down looking for 
                   Barry up ahead, without luck. His cell rings, he answers.
    
                                         LOWES
                             Yeah... No, I don't see him. He's in 
                             there somewhere.
    
                   Hartung is further back in the crowd, on his cell.
    
                                         HARTUNG
                             Move forward. Get to the parking 
                             lot, find his bike and puncture a 
                             ****ing tire. 
    
                   Lowes pushes ahead, leading with his elbows.
    
                   EXT. FAIR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
    
                   Barry walks into the parking lot, jammed with cars trying to 
                   get out. He finds his Honda, hops on, starts it up and weaves 
                   his way through the clogged lot.
    
                   Lowes makes his way to the edge of the lot, sees Barry as he 
                   pulls around a line of cars. He watches as Barry slips away 
                   out of the lot and down the road.

  • #2
    Re: Sluglines within a moving crowd

    Originally posted by OtisLovesUs View Post
    Greetings, DD citizens.

    I need some slugline feedback.

    I have a scene that takes place within a moving crowd, with two bad guys (Hartung and Lowes) following our protag (Barry) on foot. This scene takes place at a small town fair. Things are closing down for the night. Barry has just left a demolition derby. Hartung and Lowes are following him, but have fallen back in the unexpectedly large crowd. Their initial plan was to stick closely with him until he's eventually alone, then kill him. Barry does not know he's being followed.

    A prior pre-fair scene established that Barry arrived on his little motorcycle and parked in a lot, while Hartung and Lowes, who were following him in their truck, had to find a parking spot blocks away.

    THE QUESTION is whether or not I need sluglines to establish where the now separated Hartung and Lowes are in relation to Barry, who is further ahead in the crowd.

    As this scene stands (and it's just a 1st draft) does this read clearly, fluidly? Do you get where everyone is, relative to each other? Do Hartung and Lowes need some some kind of slugline when we switch back and forth to them as they talk on their cell phones? Or does it work as-is, without changing sluglines?

    Thanks in advance.

    -------

    Code:
    EXT. BARN DANCE - NIGHT
    
                   Barry passes by a barn with a lit up sign out front that 
                   reads: COOLIDGE DAYS HOOTENANY - 5 LIVE BANDS TONIGHT! 
    
                   The doors swing open and a large well-served, BOISTEROUS 
                   CROWD pours out into the night. The lights on the sign go 
                   dark as the revelers mix in with the demolition derby crowd 
                   heading for the parking lot. 
    
                   Lowes, moving with the crowd, hops up and down looking for 
                   Barry up ahead, without luck. His cell rings, he answers.
    
                                         LOWES
                             Yeah... No, I don't see him. He's in 
                             there somewhere.
    
                   Hartung is further back in the crowd, on his cell.
    
                                         HARTUNG
                             Move forward. Get to the parking 
                             lot, find his bike and puncture a 
                             ****ing tire. 
    
                   Lowes pushes ahead, leading with his elbows.
    
                   EXT. FAIR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
    
                   Barry walks into the parking lot, jammed with cars trying to 
                   get out. He finds his Honda, hops on, starts it up and weaves 
                   his way through the clogged lot.
    
                   Lowes makes his way to the edge of the lot, sees Barry as he 
                   pulls around a line of cars. He watches as Barry slips away 
                   out of the lot and down the road.
    If it were me, and you start off in a large general area -- say a fair, or a dance, or a party, and then you are going to move around, follow this person or group of persons, then leave behind and follow that person or group of persons, it's generally a good idea, for purposes of clarity, to indicate as such, either using mini-slug lines, or full slug lines.

    I guess mini-slug lines are considered preferable these days, so something like this:

    You'd start with:

    EXT. BARN DANCE - WITH BARRY - NIGHT

    Something, something, something.

    WITH LOWES

    Searching for Barry.

    WITH SOME OTHER GUY

    Doing something else.

    WITH BARRY

    Still doing whatever he's doing.

    EXT. THE PARKING LOT - WITH THE BLESSED VIRGIN - NIGHT

    Doing whatever she's doing, etc. etc.


    And so on and so forth.

    NMS

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Sluglines within a moving crowd

      Originally posted by OtisLovesUs View Post
      -------

      Code:
      EXT. BARN DANCE - NIGHT
      
                     Barry passes by a barn with a lit up sign out front that 
                     reads: COOLIDGE DAYS HOOTENANY - 5 LIVE BANDS TONIGHT! 
      
                     The doors swing open and a large well-served, BOISTEROUS 
                     CROWD pours out into the night. The lights on the sign go 
                     dark as the revelers mix in with the demolition derby crowd 
                     heading for the parking lot. 
      
                     Lowes, moving with the crowd, hops up and down looking for 
                     Barry up ahead, without luck. His cell rings, he answers.
      
                                           LOWES
                               Yeah... No, I don't see him. He's in 
                               there somewhere.
      
                     Hartung is further back in the crowd, on his cell.
      
                                           HARTUNG
                               Move forward. Get to the parking 
                               lot, find his bike and puncture a 
                               ****ing tire. 
      
                     Lowes pushes ahead, leading with his elbows.
      
                     EXT. FAIR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
      
                     Barry walks into the parking lot, jammed with cars trying to 
                     get out. He finds his Honda, hops on, starts it up and weaves 
                     his way through the clogged lot.
      
                     Lowes makes his way to the edge of the lot, sees Barry as he 
                     pulls around a line of cars. He watches as Barry slips away 
                     out of the lot and down the road.
      This seems fine to me, very clear, easy to imagine myself right there with them.
      wry

      The rule is the first fifteen pages should enthrall me, but truth is, I'm only giving you about 3-5 pages. ~ Hollywood Script Reader

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Sluglines within a moving crowd

        So that's one yea and one nay.

        I think those mini slugs do work. Does anyone else think some form of slug is the best plan? Or can I get away with this scene as-is? (One potential advantage is simply saving a few lines of vertical space in a script that's running long.)

        Who wants to break the tie?

        Thanks.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Sluglines within a moving crowd

          The scene as you have written it is fine, it's clear enough. Both your characters are in the same scene/location, just different parts of it, and it's not a complex set-up and the action descriptions work just fine.

          If you had those characters at two distinct locations within the larger scene then mini-slugs would be better. You could actually get away with having the parking lot as a mini slug but they way you have it works well. NMS's take on it works too, but given the simplicity of what you describe I think it over-writes it a bit. In the end it's your choice, you know what your preferred style is but there's nothing wrong with what you already have.
          "Friends make the worst enemies." Frank Underwood

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Sluglines within a moving crowd

            I agree that I understand what is going on and that it's up to you and your preferred style. Personally though, I'd also prefer to go with the mini-slugs since I think it helps break up the read.

            Code:
            EXT. BARN DANCE - NIGHT
            
            Barry passes the barn just as the doors 
            open and a crowd pours out, mixing in with
            the revelers.
            
            LOWES
            
            Hitting the crowd, tries to look over tops of 
            heads for Barry.  No luck.  His cell RINGS.
            
                                 LOWES
                             (into phone)
                     No, I don't see him. He's in 
                     there somewhere.
            
            HARTUNG
            
            On the other end, also deep in the crowd.
            
                                 HARTUNG
                     Get ahead of him.  Do not let him 
                     leave.  Slash his tires if you have to.
            
            LOWES
            
            Pockets his phone and presses on.
            
            EXT. FAIR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
            
            Barry is now in the parking lot jammed with cars 
            trying to get out. He mounts his Honda 2-stroke 
            and fires it up.  REVS the engine.
            
            ON LOWES
            
            Jogging onto the lot.  Just sees Barry weave through 
            the line of cars and hit the open road.
            
            He's gone...

            Comment

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