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  • #16
    Re: Trouble getting started.

    Originally posted by David Alin
    FADE IN

    EXT. JEWISHGEN CEMETERY - EARLY MORNING
    The year is 2079, a futuristic world of hovers cars and shining dome buildings. The small Texas city has grown to be a metropolis. At the grave site a family gathers around to pay their final respects to a woman they know as EMILY GOLDMAN.
    Write what you see. You've set this in the future but how do we know this is 2079? How do we know we are in a small Texas city? How do we know that people are paying respects to "EMILY GOLDMAN"? You've only told us, not shown us. And in terms of setting the tone - this is a funeral, why do we need an establishing shot of hover cars and shiny dome buildings? I echo the words of "show, don't tell". BUT THAT ASIDE...

    If you want to avoid the voice over, then a possible alternative is to show us who this person being buried is, then cut to this person being alive along with a title card reading "10 days earlier" etc. For example...

    Rather than having hover cars and dome buildings, open up just at the cemetary. The grass is lush green, each gravestone is identical in shape, color, and size. All evenly distributed in rows. The place is hauntingly serene. At this point, we could be anywhere in any time. But then you show us that each gravestone has an embedded digital image of the occupier. The image shows their face, seemingly alive and well with a smile of contentment. The backdrop is of a heavenly sky. This immediately lets us know that we are in the future. Not only that, but one of those "clean" futures. And then you show us that a funeral is in procession, with a coffin being lowered into a gravespot. And with a gravestone already in place, not only is the audience revealed the digital image of "Emily Goldman's" face, but also her name (etched into the gravestone of course). And then we cut to "10 days earlier" and have a person with that same face, alive and well, standing in an alley or whatever...

    Just a suggestion

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    • #17
      Re: Trouble getting started.

      I'm sorry David but good God man, you're asking for help to get past page one? I'm gonna have a rant here because I'm tired and although I love the way poeple share info and insights on the board but it really p***es me off when posters seem to be looking for the easy route. There is none. Most people think they can write. Most people can't. And the one's that are good at it work f'n hard. Read, write, then post. End of rant.

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Trouble getting started.

        Originally posted by georgelondon
        I'm sorry David but good God man, you're asking for help to get past page one? I'm gonna have a rant here because I'm tired and although I love the way poeple share info and insights on the board but it really p***es me off when posters seem to be looking for the easy route. There is none. Most people think they can write. Most people can't. And the one's that are good at it work f'n hard. Read, write, then post. End of rant.
        Georgelondon- you are right, I was actually trying to find out where to start a story - but it has become obvious not at this point - I've changed the way I need to do it, guest I was tired when I started the post... trying to brain storm. Sorry to upset you, I will remember that in the coming future.

        Thanks - though!
        D.Alin
        D. Alin
        http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Trouble getting started.

          Originally posted by M4estro
          Write what you see. You've set this in the future but how do we know this is 2079? How do we know we are in a small Texas city? How do we know that people are paying respects to "EMILY GOLDMAN"? You've only told us, not shown us. And in terms of setting the tone - this is a funeral, why do we need an establishing shot of hover cars and shiny dome buildings? I echo the words of "show, don't tell". BUT THAT ASIDE...

          If you want to avoid the voice over, then a possible alternative is to show us who this person being buried is, then cut to this person being alive along with a title card reading "10 days earlier" etc. For example...

          Rather than having hover cars and dome buildings, open up just at the cemetary. The grass is lush green, each gravestone is identical in shape, color, and size. All evenly distributed in rows. The place is hauntingly serene. At this point, we could be anywhere in any time. But then you show us that each gravestone has an embedded digital image of the occupier. The image shows their face, seemingly alive and well with a smile of contentment. The backdrop is of a heavenly sky. This immediately lets us know that we are in the future. Not only that, but one of those "clean" futures. And then you show us that a funeral is in procession, with a coffin being lowered into a gravespot. And with a gravestone already in place, not only is the audience revealed the digital image of "Emily Goldman's" face, but also her name (etched into the gravestone of course). And then we cut to "10 days earlier" and have a person with that same face, alive and well, standing in an alley or whatever...

          Just a suggestion
          Thanks M4estro-

          You're right, and I have (will be) considering your options, I guess I needed a kick to figure out on how to start the story... a funeral, or not. I have decided against starting it here. So, the place will be different, but the funeral scene will be slightly different than anticipated - with some interesting twist to boot. But, I will reveal it, and not tell it. Making it more interesting in the method. Like: "A clear sunny day without smog, as one can breathe the clean air dispite the hovering congestion from the speeding hover cars above them." Most surely a better way. Thanks again, will be getting back to you all in the coming future.
          D. Alin
          D. Alin
          http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

          Comment

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