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  • Plot questions

    This is a question about my script Satan's Secretary. I have two choices, my main character is brought to hell and has to answer for his womenizing.

    Right now i have it that my main character discovers a loophole that gets him a face to face with the devil... as of know the devil offers up the bet...

    now, here's my question i think it might serve my story better if i have my main character pleading with the devil to let him go.... my main character being a savy guy realizes that he has to some how save his own neck so he makes an offer to the devil, kind of entices him, that the hardest thing for him to do would be to win back the heart of the women he left at the altar, the very women who wished him to hell over a million times. So at the end of the movie you get that rom-com payoff, "you bet to save your soul, you don't love me," but the hook is he can only win the bet if he does truly lover her"

    roll credits:

    i think that second works better? what do you think about this new logline.

    When a womenzier makes a bet with the devil to save his soul, he must win back the girl he left at the altar, or spend eternity as Satan's Secretary.

    Vig

  • #2
    Re: Plot questions

    I wouldn't send this logline out with 'womanizer' spelt incorrrectly.

    To be honest I've never liked this concept. It's been done before and its not a story I want to see again.

    Maybe it could be funny with Stiller, Black, Ferrel, Vaugn or Wilson in it, but they can make anything work.
    I wanna tell you about the time I almost died....

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Plot questions

      Vig,

      Here's the problem I have (which may just be with the logline) - aside from a meeting the Satan, the rest of the script sounds like a pretty normal story about a guy who has to win back this girl who hates him. The threat of becoming Satan's secretary will probably be just that - a threat. So the "high concept" element isn't really part of the story - it's a scene at the top of the script and an empty threat (because we know he'll get the girl back). The middle part is all "plot 53B" - stuff we've more or less seen before.

      Now, your actual script may be filled with new, original, cool stuff - but from the logline it sounds as if once we get past the Satan part in act 1, it'll be stuff we've seen before in other movies.

      If he had to compete with Satan over the ex-GF, that gives me a high concept Act 2.

      - Bill

      PS: Check out Deus' post in the Loglines & Irony thread!
      Free Script Tips:
      http://www.scriptsecrets.net

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Plot questions

        now that is a great freaking idea mr. martell. how does this look?
        When a commitment phobic, Manhattan Head Hunter, is summoned to Hell, he bets the Devil to salvage his soul, that he can win the heart of the women he left at the altar, before the Devil can, or face eternity as Satan's personal Secretary.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Plot questions

          damn bill. i tell you what with all this irony going about in logs and threads i think the irony that you helped me out with an idea that has me literally giddy, after all the crap i've given you means a lot to me and honestly says a lot about you.

          you could of just as easily not answered that question and i might never have gotten to that realization of the conflict between my main character GUilford a top flight womenizer, a guy who has to be so good he has to mack a girl over the devil. That's brilliant.

          i honestly believe if this was your idea, you pitched this it would sell.

          if i sell this thing bill, i'm throwing you a g-note so you can do what ever it is you wish. you gave me the piece to the puzzle i've been looking for. my second act could be hilarious - this guy trying to out do the devil. how funny can this be?

          then you got the people in hell taking bets on who is going to win... this is going to be nuts.... straight out nuts...

          you know what's crazy... i stopped two weeks ago with the script cause it was happening, i needed a better second act, so today i said i'm going to start ripping back into the script but before i do that i'm going to go on done deal and brain storm - look what happens at one thirty eastern time i get a PRO to help me hammer out something.

          i'm stoked, i'm gong to rewrite the second act and i can't wait.

          BONZAI

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Plot questions

            I'm with Tatam, I never liked this concept.
            Even with your new enthusiasm with a new direction, it sounds
            like an old 70's made for TV movie.

            What I always liked about it was the secretary angle but you
            wanted to concentrate on the boss himself.

            I craved a "Working Girl" with horns. I pictured marketing potential
            each year on secretary's day. I saw you never sitting on a backhoe
            again.

            Now you want the devil to be in love with some girl? I can see
            him wanting Rosemary to have his child but not bringing her flowers!

            Good luck with it.
            myhomeconvalesceblog

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Plot questions

              i love my backhoe.

              Vig

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Plot questions

                I did something similiar to this with my first script. Guy in Hell and he has to get out because of a woman.

                I think your second concept is the better one, but all the people I had read my vversion of the story had the same response as Tamtam. eh.

                Out macking the Devil might be the key.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Plot questions

                  whistle buddy, i think i can pull it off. i try much harder then you do. much, much harder, and i own a backhoe, so that will help me with the heavy lifting.

                  Vig

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Plot questions

                    Originally posted by vig
                    i own a backhoe, so that will help me with the heavy lifting.

                    Vig
                    this is true.

                    And, Vig, I think you try harder because you have to. I'm a mega-talented sumbitch that the chicks just dig. You'll get there one day, no worries.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Plot questions

                      i'm looking forward to that day whistle. i will work as hard as i can and someday i will be able to say, mr. whistle was my inspiration.

                      vig

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Plot questions

                        What Bill said.

                        There was a disconnect between the concept and the drama.

                        Bill's solution is simple and logical. The devil can't be trusted and wants to get the guys soul (I'm unclear why he would agree to the deal if he already has the guy's soul) so he cheats and lies to try and sabotage the guy's plan. So now the villain is active and motivated with a clear goal. The hero is active and motivated with a clear goal and the conflict created between the two opposing goals is a natural outgrowth of the concept and allows the drama to fully exploit the concept.

                        Fortune favors the bold - Virgil

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Plot questions

                          big hug dues. high five. low five.

                          vig

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Plot questions

                            After reading all that, I think the second act could be funny.

                            You said your main character discovers a loophole that gets him face to face with the devil? Sounds like he's trying. Maybe he should meet with the devil on accident? Like he dies in the first act, ends up in hell, and has to talk his way out of hell.

                            Why would the devil agree to the deal? What does he have to gain from it? Is he just a competitive devil?

                            " but the hook is he can only win the bet if he does truly lover her" - I'm unclear on this. Has this guy ever loved her at all? Does he have to try to get her to fall for him again, or does he have to truly find love for the first time?

                            I like the way it's coming together. Post some pages if you get a chance.
                            Joan: What does the "T" stand for?
                            Jack: Trustworthy.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Plot questions

                              Vig,

                              You owe me nothing, dude. My advice is always free. But if you sell it for big money, you can buy me a beer.

                              - Bill
                              Free Script Tips:
                              http://www.scriptsecrets.net

                              Comment

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