Help with Description

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  • Help with Description

    I am pasting a short description form one of my scripts. Can someone critique this and tell me if Im usingto many words and if the format is correct?

    FADE IN:

    INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM, NYC- NIGHT

    MICHELE CONNELLY, 33, New York Times horoscope writer is SLEEPING in her bed. A faint sound of the ceiling fan chains JINGLING overhead. A single ray of light from the city outside casts itself across her face, she lightly MOANS.

    BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE:

    The CLINKING of the ceiling fansâ€TM chain slowly MORPHS into the sound of WIND CHIMES.

    Michele opens her eyes to find herself standing on the porch of an old white and gray farmhouse. The farmhouse sits just a few yards off the side of a dirt road and is centered with the cornfield that grows behind the house.

    Across the road from the farmhouse are more cornfields.

    Michele walks over to a window on the porch and looks inside. She SEES an ELDERLY WOMAN sitting in a rocking chair just a few feet from the window glass. The woman is looking out at Michele.

    Michele

    Hello? Can you tell me where I am?
    (a beat)
    Hello?

    The woman, NOT RESPONDING, continues to look out the window.
    Michael Coonce


  • #2
    Re: Help with Description

    i would nix the caps and the phone number.

    vig

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Help with Description

      First things I noticed in this opening paragraph

      "MICHELE CONNELLY, 33, New York Times horoscope writer is SLEEPING in her bed. A faint sound of the ceiling fan chains JINGLING overhead. A single ray of light from the city outside casts itself across her face"

      A) The audience doesn't know she is a horoscope writer. Leave out.
      B) I'd say "Above her, the ceiling fan chain JINGLES in the breeze."
      C) Ray of light from the city? No, the sun. "A ray of light casts in through the window across her face". If you want the audience to know instantly she is living in the city, you will have to tell or show it somehow. Example. "TRAFFIC NOISE sneaks in through an open window" or something like that.
      Last edited by CrackDown; 01-17-2006, 07:44 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Help with Description

        MICHELE CONNELLY, 33, New York Times horoscope writer is SLEEPING in her bed. A faint sound of the ceiling fan chains JINGLING overhead. A single ray of light from the city outside casts itself across her face, she lightly MOANS.
        How about this:

        MICHELLE CONNELLY, thirty three, sleeps on the bed. Above her, the ceiling fan chain jingles in the breeze. Sun rays intrude through the open window, casting a shadow across her face. She stirs.
        "What's worse than being talked about? Not being talked about."

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Help with Description

          I agree about too many capitalized words. I agree you need to let us know she's a horoscope writer living in the city by showing her at work, and that you need to let us know it's a city by giving us a quick detail that says city -- maybe neon lights, high rise buildings, traffic noise. Pick a detail that tells us whether we should be thinking seedy, run-down city or elegant city so we know what kind of mood we should be feeling.

          Though you say it's night, having a ray of light come in and cause her to lightly moan makes us think it's daybreak and she's waking up, which is confusing when you're beginning a dream sequence. I know you said it's a ray of light from the city, but when you say ray of light, we think sun. So instead, perhaps say it's the security lights from the office tower next door and we know it's night in the city. Or a blinking neon light with a missing letter sets a different mood.

          Say she shifts in her sleep and we'd know she's not moaning because she has to wake up. You have to think about what every word you use will make the audience picture.

          The CLINKING of the ceiling fansâ€TM chain slowly MORPHS into the sound of WIND CHIMES.

          Good. The use of two similar sounds make a good transition.

          I think you have too much unnecessary detail about the farmhouse and the old woman, but at the same time not enough telling detail. Give us just enough to paint a general picture with a bit of atmosphere . Should we picture a shabby farmhouse on a country road, or a well-tended farmhouse on a flower-lined lane, or a forlorn farmhouse on a deserted road? Any of those tells us enough to know how we should be picturing it and feeling about it.

          We don't have to know the color or how many feet it sits from the road. We're not giving dimensions to the set designer; we're trying to quickly set the scene and set an emotional tone in the mind of the reader. Only get specific about a detail when it matters to the plot.
          Last edited by Joaneasley; 01-17-2006, 08:02 AM. Reason: typo

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Help with Description

            I think you should describe the main character a little more. Also first you say the chain is jingling then you say it is clinking then it morphs into the sound of wind chimes. How did it go from jingling to clinking. Didn't it morph there or did you leave out a line about the wind picking up from an open window.

            Originally posted by mcoonce
            I am pasting a short description form one of my scripts. Can someone critique this and tell me if Im usingto many words and if the format is correct?

            FADE IN:

            INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM, NYC- NIGHT

            MICHELE CONNELLY, 33, New York Times horoscope writer is SLEEPING in her bed. A faint sound of the ceiling fan chains JINGLING overhead. A single ray of light from the city outside casts itself across her face, she lightly MOANS.

            BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE:

            The CLINKING of the ceiling fansâ€TM chain slowly MORPHS into the sound of WIND CHIMES.

            Michele opens her eyes to find herself standing on the porch of an old white and gray farmhouse. The farmhouse sits just a few yards off the side of a dirt road and is centered with the cornfield that grows behind the house.

            Across the road from the farmhouse are more cornfields.

            Michele walks over to a window on the porch and looks inside. She SEES an ELDERLY WOMAN sitting in a rocking chair just a few feet from the window glass. The woman is looking out at Michele.

            Michele

            Hello? Can you tell me where I am?
            (a beat)
            Hello?

            The woman, NOT RESPONDING, continues to look out the window.

            Last night in San Pedro

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Help with Description

              FADE IN:

              INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM, NYC- NIGHT


              MICHELE CONNELLY, 33, New York Times horoscope writer is SLEEPING in her bed.

              Why do you have sleeping in CAPS? I will ignore the other capitalized verbs.


              BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE:

              The CLINKING of the ceiling fansâ€TM chain slowly MORPHS into the sound of WIND CHIMES.
              I'm not sure that "morphs" is the right word. Morphs, to me, is visual and I wouldn't use it to describe a sound. I'd maybe just say that the ceiling fan morphs into wind chimes. Shrug, maybe not.

              Michele opens her eyes to find herself standing on the porch of an old white and gray farmhouse. The farmhouse sits just a few yards off the side of a dirt road and is centered with the cornfield that grows behind the house.

              Across the road from the farmhouse are more cornfields.

              A farmhouse, gone to seed, surrounded by cornfields. Your description is way too long.

              Michele walks over to a window on the porch and looks inside. She SEES an ELDERLY WOMAN sitting in a rocking chair just a few feet away. from the window glass. The woman is looking out at Michele. stares at Michelle.
              Is this a P.O.V. shot?

              Michele

              Hello? Can you tell me where I am?
              (a beat)
              Hello?

              The woman, NOT RESPONDING, continues to look out the window. remains silent.
              Joan: What does the "T" stand for?
              Jack: Trustworthy.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Help with Description

                Does a ceiling fan have a chain? I always thought it made a buzzing sound.
                "What's worse than being talked about? Not being talked about."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Help with Description

                  It has a chain to turn it off and on.
                  Originally posted by ShaneBlackFan
                  Does a ceiling fan have a chain? I always thought it made a buzzing sound.

                  Last night in San Pedro

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Help with Description

                    The New York Times doesn't publish horoscopes. Fake news is another matter entirely.



                    #####

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Help with Description

                      Originally posted by thatcomedian
                      It has a chain to turn it off and on.
                      Aha! If it's an expensive apartment then wouldn't it be a on/off switch?
                      "What's worse than being talked about? Not being talked about."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Help with Description

                        Yes, but there would still be the chain for the different speeds of the fan.
                        Originally posted by ShaneBlackFan
                        Aha! If it's an expensive apartment then wouldn't it be a on/off switch?

                        Last night in San Pedro

                        Comment

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