Need help with this line...

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  • Need help with this line...

    Does this read correctly:

    A digital clock on the bedside table next to Gwen displays: 7:59 A.M.; immediately changing to 8:00 A.M.


    I'm trying to show there is a digital clock on a table and the time it reads. While we are looking at it, the time immediately changes.


  • #2
    Re: Need help with this line...

    this is how it's done in the groundhog day screenplay:

    CLOSE UP - CLOCK

    a digital clock-radio changes from 5:59 to 6:00 AM. The radio comes on, playing the end of the Sonny and Cher hit, "I Got You, Babe."
    "everything a writer learns about the art and craft of fiction takes just a little away from his need or desire to write at all. in the end he knows all the tricks and has nothing to say."

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    • #3
      Re: Need help with this line...

      Originally posted by jaycolla77
      Does this read correctly:

      A digital clock on the bedside table next to Gwen displays: 7:59 A.M.; immediately changing to 8:00 A.M.


      I'm trying to show there is a digital clock on a table and the time it reads. While we are looking at it, the time immediately changes.
      Gwen sleeps. The digital clock beside her turns 8:00 A.M.

      But it is a pointless beat unless something Important happens at 8:00 A.M.

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      • #4
        Re: Need help with this line...

        Thanks a bunch guys. Yes, the time changing does serve a purpose. Gwen is telling Grace that her sister will be there in a minute and that she's never late. She looks at the clock which changes from 7:59am to 8:00am right as her sister walks in on time.

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        • #5
          Re: Need help with this line...

          A digital clock on the bedside table. 7:59 turns to 8:00.

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          • #6
            Re: Need help with this line...

            Yeah, better to leave out "A.M." because that wouldn't be displayed on the clock, and it'll probably be obvious from the context that it's morning.

            k

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            • #7
              Re: Need help with this line...

              Originally posted by jaycolla77
              Does this read correctly:

              A digital clock on the bedside table next to Gwen displays: 7:59 A.M.; immediately changing to 8:00 A.M.

              I'm trying to show there is a digital clock on a table and the time it reads. While we are looking at it, the time immediately changes.
              Every writer on this board would write it differently, but the line is also quite clear the way you wrote it.

              It's a long hard road. Have more faith in yourself than this.
              Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

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              • #8
                Re: Need help with this line...

                Originally posted by prince pantyhose
                this is how it's done in the groundhog day screenplay:

                CLOSE UP - CLOCK

                a digital clock-radio changes from 5:59 to 6:00 AM. The radio comes on, playing the end of the Sonny and Cher hit, "I Got You, Babe."
                That's a good example. Just leave out the director's notes and pick a better song (shouldn't be too hard).

                On a side note, I just got the Groundhog Day dvd a few weeks ago for about $5.00 at best buy, despite the price tag showing $9.99 and it not being on sale.






                6:00 am is usually my bedtime.

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                • #9
                  Re: Need help with this line...

                  Or you can be all Shane Black:

                  The kind of digital clock you find in Skymall and Sharper Image catalogs lies pulsing on the rosewood dresser. The display reads 7.59 AM, the room temperature (71 degrees), the weekly weather forecast and three stock stickers.

                  And in the time it took you to read all of this, Kind Reader, the clock turned 8.00 AM.


                  Or M. Night:

                  The digital clock on the dark dresser reads 7.59 AM.

                  Beat.

                  8.00 AM.


                  Or Our Father William Goldman:

                  The fancy clock on the dresser reads 7.59 AM.

                  CUT TO:

                  A CLOSE UP of the display. It's still 7.59 AM.

                  CUT TO:

                  The clock just sitting there. Then, holy god, it turns 8.00 AM.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Need help with this line...

                    Originally posted by Berlin Stardust
                    Or you can be all Shane Black...Or M. Night...Or Our Father William Goldman....

                    "We're all immigrants now, man."
                    - Zia (Patrick Fugit), "Wristcutters: A Love Story"

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                    • #11
                      Re: Need help with this line...

                      Originally posted by Berlin Stardust
                      Or M. Night:

                      The digital clock on the dark dresser reads 7.59 AM.

                      Beat.

                      8.00 AM.


                      That seriously made me laugh out loud.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Need help with this line...

                        Originally posted by Berlin Stardust
                        Or you can be all Shane Black:

                        The kind of digital clock you find in Skymall and Sharper Image catalogs lies pulsing on the rosewood dresser. The display reads 7.59 AM, the room temperature (71 degrees), the weekly weather forecast and three stock stickers.

                        And in the time it took you to read all of this, Kind Reader, the clock turned 8.00 AM.


                        Or M. Night:

                        The digital clock on the dark dresser reads 7.59 AM.

                        Beat.

                        8.00 AM.


                        Or Our Father William Goldman:

                        The fancy clock on the dresser reads 7.59 AM.

                        CUT TO:

                        A CLOSE UP of the display. It's still 7.59 AM.

                        CUT TO:

                        The clock just sitting there. Then, holy god, it turns 8.00 AM.
                        LMAO! If we were to vote for a 'Classic Done Deal Posts', this would be mine!

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                        • #13
                          Re: Need help with this line...

                          I'm bumping this for the attention - I like it.

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