How about temper and disappointment?

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  • How about temper and disappointment?

    In efforts to clear my head between two major characters, I have found some confrontation is always good for the soul. Here's two individuals who had the 'Hot's' for each other, and discovering something deeper flows in one... so much in fact it begins to effect them both.

    ///////////////////////

    ERNIE
    Actin' like what? How am I
    suppose to act! S'cuse me
    for not knowing what to do
    when you'd being sold out
    by own people!

    RACHEL
    I didn't know.

    She and Ernie lock eyes, with the desk between them.
    High noon. He wants to take his anger out on her.

    ERNIE
    I don't need this right now, okay!
    Do whatever you have to do, just
    close the deal. For once, Rachel
    forget about your damn party!

    Rachel gives him a look, more disappointed than angry.

    RACHEL
    Alright, if that's how you feel --

    She gathers her bag, and turns to charge out.

    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

    Open for any suggestions on the above statement, if it works or not!?
    D. Alin
    http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

  • #2
    Re: How about temper and disappointment?

    "He wants to take his anger out on her." -- don't tell, show! Actions speak louder than "looks." Just an idea, consider having Ernie not give Rachel a chance to explain/deny anything. Maybe he can leave instead? (Depends on their location obviously, you should have included this.)

    ERNIE
    Actin’ like what? How'm I
    supposed to act! 'Scuse me
    for not knowing what to do
    when you’re being sold out
    by your own people! I don’t
    need this right now, okay!
    Do whatever you have to do, just
    close the deal. For once, Rachel,
    forget about your damn party!

    Ernie storms out, slamming the door, before Rachel can stop him.

    RACHEL
    Screw you, you frackin sumbitch!

    -Derek
    My Web Page - sci-fi, fantasy, horror, cyborgs, AIs, dragons, vampyres.
    We're still working on a plan, but so far, it involves being sent to prison and becoming somebody's bítch.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: How about temper and disappointment?

      Originally posted by dpaterso View Post
      "He wants to take his anger out on her." -- don't tell, show! Actions speak louder than "looks." Just an idea, consider having Ernie not give Rachel a chance to explain/deny anything. Maybe he can leave instead? (Depends on their location obviously, you should have included this.)

      ERNIE
      Actin’ like what? How'm I
      supposed to act! 'Scuse me
      for not knowing what to do
      when you’re being sold out
      by your own people! I don’t
      need this right now, okay!
      Do whatever you have to do, just
      close the deal. For once, Rachel,
      forget about your damn party!

      Ernie storms out, slamming the door, before Rachel can stop him.

      RACHEL
      Screw you, you frackin sumbitch!

      -Derek
      My Web Page - sci-fi, fantasy, horror, cyborgs, AIs, dragons, vampyres.
      We're still working on a plan, but so far, it involves being sent to prison and becoming somebody's bítch.
      That's pretty much the idea, but it needs to be the opposite... you see Rachel is in his office, waiting for him, and he arrives with his secretary and they duke it out... it should be Rachel leaving! I think. But, perhaps the action should be Rachel grabbing her bags and storms out!

      How would that go over?

      Like this:

      Code:
      Ernie moves to the window. He knows her well.
      
      ERNIE
      What, another tie! 
      
      Rachel drops it back into the bag. She is astound on his assumption. 
      
      RACHEL
      How did you know?
      
      Ernie looks angry, now pacing behind his chair. 
      
      ERNIE
      You’re predicable! Should have seen it coming... 
      it’s always something with you, parties or 
      fund raisers. I’ve got serious turmoil issues 
      here! 
      (In a beat)
      Did you close the deal yet? 
      
      RACHEL
      Ernie, you know as I do that escrow requires 
      an inspection...why are you acting like this? 
      
      ERNIE
      Actin’ like what? How am I suppose to act! 
      S’cuse me for not knowing what to do when 
      you’d being sold out by own people! I don’t
      need this right now, okay!
      Do whatever you have to do, just
      close the deal. For once, Rachel,
      forget about your damn party!
      
      Rachel grabs her bag and storms out, slamming the door, before 
      Ernie can stop her.
      
      RACHEL
      Screw you, you frackin ass!
      
      INT. BIO-CYLIN INDUSTRIES - CORRIDOR - DAY
      
      Arnold peeps his head out his office door, removing his glasses. He 
      watches Rachel charge down to the elevator.
      Last edited by David Alin; 11-03-2006, 09:17 AM. Reason: addition to the post
      D. Alin
      http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

      Comment

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