Curious of subtext.

[David Alin]

I was curious if the last statement is not accepted, and if the entire scene is protrayed as sub-text, and if anyone else has a better way of telling me how to write it better, and more subtle as that I would appreicate it.

MARC (O.S.)
Sorry, to interrupt -- but I
have Mr. Whitehall’s documents.

Nancy leaps up. She turns to find MARC RUBENSTIEN, 35,
a well dressed legal attorney who sublets his office from them.

As Marc enters the room, he moves towards to Rachel
with a file. Rachel takes it from him.

RACHEL
Thanks, Marc -- I see everything’s
in order. I’ll run this down.

She heads out. Nancy stands looking at Marc with concerned.

NANCY
Have you heard, she has a house
guest --

There is an unsettling look on Marc’s face.

MARC
You know who he is?

Nancy moves toward him. If he’s hurt, he’ll never
show it.

NANCY
Nope, some guy that fell and has amnesia.
(Then a beat)
She’s obviously on the rebound.

Marc eyes follows Rachel down the corridor.

MARC
She doesn’t see the value in relationships --

It’s obvious to Nancy that Marc’s interest in Rachel is more than he’s leading on to.

Thanks!

[M4estro]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Well, the vibe I'm getting is that Marc has an interest in Rachel (saying that, you just told the reader at the end). He's probing, but obviously likes her. If that's what you're aiming for then that's what you've got. I don't see anymore than that.

In my subjective opinion, I think it reads a bit clunky. Again, you seem to be missing reaction beats from the characters. You're also, IMO, "micro-directing- where you're putting in redundant character actions.

I think you should remove, "It's obvious to Nancy that Marc's interest in Rachel is more than he's leading on to.- You're telling the reader something that you should be showing. The reader already knows Marc likes Rachel, you just need to show that Nancy has clocked onto it. Asides, IMO, are usually used to "enhance- what we already see/know -- and not be used as a reveal.

[Synthia]

Re: Curious of subtext.

PLEASE REMOVE THE LAST LINE!!!

Thanks.

I liked it. Yeah, you lead the reader a little but that helps me understand the stuff Marc already knows. At least the characters aren't leading us -- that would really suck.

I don't care for the "she doesn't see the value in relationships" line. Too on the nose. How else can he say this?

[dpaterso]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Reads kinda heavy-handed to me, but that's just my limited opinion.

Try dropping your asides, let the characters speak (or not) for themselves.

Also no need for dramatics like "Nancy leaps up" as if dynamite just went off under her. On the other hand if she's a nervous type prone to leaping up then ignore me.

I don't know the relationships so if this fun example misses the target, no worries:

MARC RUBENSTIEN enters, 35, a well dressed legal attorney.

MARC
Hey Rachel, sorry to interrupt, I
have Mr. Whitehall's documents.

He gives her a file, Rachel takes a quick look.

RACHEL
Thanks, Marc -- I see everything's
in order. I'll run this down. Nance,
back in a jiff.

Rachel exits.

NANCY
She tell you about her house guest?

MARC
What?

NANCY
Some guy with amnesia. He fell
and hit his head, apparently.

MARC
Mmm, no she didn't, ah... Why
would she...?

NANCY
She's taking good care of him. He
seems like a nice guy. That's Rachel,
willing to give up her bedroom to a
total stranger.

MARC
I'll, ah, I've got some filing to do.

NANCY
You know, sometimes I worry about
her. She's obviously on the rebound.
Still hurting. Not that she ever says
anything. Poor thing.

MARC
Yes, well... busy.

Marc exits. Nancy grins from ear to ear.

...apply salt to taste.

-Derek

[Angeloworx]

Re: Curious of subtext.

When Marc has the opportunity to speak to Rachel, he should make an effort to prolong the conversation. Talk about the most stupid things yet probing at the same time.

Marc - I rented Last Samurai last night, good movie. The funny thing is I didn't see them eat any sushi during the dinner scenes at all.

Rachel - I don't think I saw that that movie. (she looks at the paper work) Everything seems to be in order, I'll run this down.

IF Marc is the type of character that is a bit more aggressive he would ask another question about Japanese food. IF not, he would suggest to watch the movie.

Either way, he will get her to think of dinner or a movie or both. A date perhaps?

"You plant the seed. Then you ***k the seed!" - 40 year old virgin.

*the difference between obscure and sub-text - intention.

[M4estro]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Good one, Derek. Angeloworx, loved the "Last Samurai" line.

I'm no screenwriting expert either, but just for fun... I don’t know your characters or your story, so I’m gonna start with the assumption that --

Nancy and Rachel are having a pillow fight on the bed.

MAN (O.S.)
Sorry to interrupt...

The two girls stop and look over to find a well-dressed MARC RUBENSTIEN (35) standing by the door with a file.

RACHEL
No, no, not at all.
(grinning at Nancy)
We were just finishing up.

Rachel climbs out of bed and heads over to Marc. He hands her the file.

RACHEL
These Mr. Whitehall’s documents?

MARC
Yep. You will find that everything is in order.

RACHEL
(riffling through the pages)
I should hope so.

She closes the file.

RACHEL
Well, I’ll just put these where they belong.

As she heads out of the room --

RACHEL
(to Nancy)
Don’t finish without me.

NANCY
I won’t, hun.

Marc watches her leave, his eyes firmly fixed on her.

NANCY
So Marc, how -- are -- you?

MARC
(without looking over)
Yeah yeah, I’m... swell.

NANCY
Have you heard, she has a new house guest?

Marc finally turns to her.

MARC
Yeah? You know who he is?

NANCY
Who said it was a he?

MARC
Well I, uh...

NANCY
But yeah, it's a he. Some guy that fell and has amnesia.
(chuckling)
But you should see him –- yum-my. She’s obviously on the rebound.

Marc’s eyes sink to the floor.

MARC
She doesn’t seem to see the value in relationships --

NANCY
Does this bother you?

MARC
No. Why should it?

NANCY
(smiling)
I don't know.

[dpaterso]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Advanced class, NC-17 adult content:

INT. RACHEL'S OFFICE - DAY

Marc knocks on the door and peers in. Nancy sits behind Rachel's desk, eyes closed, breathing heavily.

MARC
Uh, I was looking for Rachel?

Nancy jumps up -- something BANGS beneath the desk.

NANCY
Oh!

RACHEL (O.S.)
Jesus! I chipped a tooth!

MARC
R-Rachel?

RACHEL (O.S.)
Uh, Marc, is that you?

-Derek

[sc111]

Re: Curious of subtext.

I think you slow the read by telling us every move they make. Directors decide who stands, sits, crosses rooms, just give signifcant directions like someone entering, exiting, throwing a chair.

The only significant line of action that's subtextual is the guy's eyes following the woman down the hall. And I think it should be moved up.

I also think you need to polish your dialogue but my suggestions on editing action include:

MARC (O.S.)
Sorry, to interrupt -- but I
have Mr. Whitehall’s documents.

MARC RUBENSTIEN, 35, a well dressed legal attorney who sublets his office from them, enters the room and hands Rachel a file.

RACHEL
Thanks, Marc -- I see everything’s
in order. I’ll run this down.

She heads down the corridor - his eyes follow her with a look that's not strictly professional. And Nancy notices.

NANCY
Have you heard, she has a house
guest --

He's unsettled but he hides it from Nancy.

MARC
You know who he is?

NANCY
Nope, some guy that fell and has amnesia.
(Then a beat)
She’s obviously on the rebound.

MARC
She doesn’t see the value in relationships --



Thanks!

[M4estro]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Expert class, R-Rated content. Written with splat-pack influences.

A BODY hangs on a meat hook. Rachel stands by in overalls and an ice
hockey mask. In her hands is –-

A CHAINSAW. It ROARS to life. The bar wields over to the hanging body’s
leg. As the chain touches skin, blood spits out and sprays --

-- over Nancy’s face. She rubs it into her skin and “oohs” sensuously.

MAN (O.S.)
Sorry to interrupt, but... OH MY GOD!

FILES drop to the floor. Nancy and Rachel look over to find MARC
RUBENSTIEN (35) hugging the door, face filled with horror.

The chainsaw cuts out. Rachel peels off her mask.

RACHEL
Oh hey Marc.

She looks at the files by his feet.

RACHEL
Those Mr. Whitehall’s documents.

Marc doesn’t respond, continues to stare wide-eyed at the dismembered
body hanging on the meat hook.

RACHEL
Oh don’t mind him -- he used to be a house guest of mine.
(to Nancy)
Men eh?

Nancy giggles and nods in agreement.

Rachel trudges across the blood soaked carpet and over to Marc. Marc
hugs the door tighter as she steps right up to him with the dripping
chainsaw.

She glares at him for a beat... then kneels down to pick up the files.

RACHEL
I hope these are in order.

Marc remains frozen.

RACHEL
Well are they, c!cksucker?!

Marc tips a quick nod. Rachel scrutinizes him for another beat... then
hands him the chainsaw.

RACHEL
Here, hold this while I file these away.

Marc complies. He watches her as she heads out.

NANCY
That’s my gal. Don’t take sh!t from no-one, especially men. Oh, have you
heard, she has a new house guest.

Marc looks at the chainsaw in his trembling hands.

MARC
Y-y-yeah? W-w-ho?

NANCY
What makes you think it’s a he?! What are you saying –- that my Rachel’s
a slut?!

MARC
No-no-no... I-I-I didn’t say “he”.

Nancy bursts into a giggle.

NANCY
I’m only f!ckin’ with yer. Between you and me, she IS a slut. Like, totally
on the rebound with this new guy.

Marc swallows hard. Nancy saunters over.

NANCY
You like her, don’t you? I’ve seen the way you look at her. I bet you
masturbate over her in the men’s room. Men who masturbate at work should
have their d!cks cut off.

[David Alin]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Reads kinda heavy-handed to me, but that's just my limited opinion.

Try dropping your asides, let the characters speak (or not) for themselves.

Also no need for dramatics like "Nancy leaps up" as if dynamite just went off under her. On the other hand if she's a nervous type prone to leaping up then ignore me.

I don't know the relationships so if this fun example misses the target, no worries:

MARC RUBENSTIEN enters, 35, a well dressed legal attorney.

MARC
Hey Rachel, sorry to interrupt, I
have Mr. Whitehall's documents.

He gives her a file, Rachel takes a quick look.

RACHEL
Thanks, Marc -- I see everything's
in order. I'll run this down. Nance,
back in a jiff.

Rachel exits.

NANCY
She tell you about her house guest?

MARC
What?

NANCY
Some guy with amnesia. He fell
and hit his head, apparently.

MARC
Mmm, no she didn't, ah... Why
would she...?

NANCY
She's taking good care of him. He
seems like a nice guy. That's Rachel,
willing to give up her bedroom to a
total stranger.

MARC
I'll, ah, I've got some filing to do.

NANCY
You know, sometimes I worry about
her. She's obviously on the rebound.
Still hurting. Not that she ever says
anything. Poor thing.

MARC
Yes, well... busy.

Marc exits. Nancy grins from ear to ear.

...apply salt to taste.

-Derek

This feels right, the moment is with more dialogue, but really shows us that Marc has the liking but is afraid to tell her (Nancy) or anyone for that matter.

Being to write this in script form really shows how to express it, with very little subtle tones. Thanks Derek. Your opinions are truly helpful and makes me see the way in coming scenes which is difficult to sequence out.

Thanks a million!

[David Alin]

Re: Curious of subtext.

Reading all of your comments have really shown me the way! Thanks Derek, M4estro, and Sc11.

In conjuncture of all that was said... it made me realize what should work in a subtle way, and still tell the point without being on the nose.

I'd combined all suggestions, and based on how I know the character, what he and she(s) would say... came to a conclusion on how to express his feelings in a subtle way without blarring it out.

It's nice to see different points of view on things.

Thanks a million guys. I'm begining to learn more about this craft, and admit I am getting better at it.

After all, posting and reading everyone's comments, and everyone's post (blog) on this helps. Speaking of which, I created a blog for everyone to comment on. http://alinproduction.blogspot.com for anyone that's interested.

Onward, and thanks!

[dpaterso]

Re: Curious of subtext.

M4estro, WTF? That registered seven EEKS! on the horrified-o-meter!

D, glad you found something useful in all this. Thread kinda got hijacked. Though you now have a selection of dialogue samples to choose from.

PS - just a thought, if Marc is shy of Rachel then his calling her by her surname, "Uh, sorry for interrupting, Miss ???" might get you something -- he can't even bring himself to call her Rachel.

-Derek

[David Alin]

Re: Curious of subtext.

M4estro, WTF? That registered seven EEKS! on the horrified-o-meter!

D, glad you found something useful in all this. Thread kinda got hijacked. Though you now have a selection of dialogue samples to choose from.

PS - just a thought, if Marc is shy of Rachel then his calling her by her surname, "Uh, sorry for interrupting, Miss ???" might get you something -- he can't even bring himself to call her Rachel.

-Derek

Interesting, it could be a way to show us he's shy about things... I like it. Will dwell over the suggestion, I might use it through out until he's ready to confront her with his feelings. Something, which I intend for him to do at the end of the (script/story)... but excellent idea!

Thanks!