Need better wording

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  • Need better wording

    I've got a scene where there is a short series of photographs on a wall. These are scanned across and then one is used as the transition to a photograph. Right now I've got the following in my script:

    There is a camera flash and we CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPH #4 as it comes to life. -- NEED BETTER WORDING
    Is there a better way to do this? I know camera directions are generally verboten and will probably get thrown out anyway, but a similar set (line of photos followed by flashback) happens a few times throughout the movie and I figured having a decent method attached to it might help. If I'm wrong and it should go away completely, by all means let me know.

  • #2
    Re: Need better wording

    youre directing the scene for some reason.

    post the full paragraph, and maybe we can get an idea of what youre going for.

    thank you.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Need better wording

      A camera flashes. MATCH DISSOLVE as we DOLLY in on the photograph.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Need better wording

        Originally posted by James McMurray View Post
        I've got a scene where there is a short series of photographs on a wall. These are scanned across and then one is used as the transition to a photograph.
        A different photograph?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Need better wording

          Ok, here's the relevant sections. It's still a first draft, and I kno some stuff will change. For instance, "Paul Giamatti" won't actually make it into the finished product, it's just shorthand for what the guy looks like in general.

          A MAN steps into view, DETECTIVE CHARLES KENDRICK, 37. He's a tall man in horned rim glasses and a suit that's seen better days. While not quite overweight, he looks headed down that path, and his brown beard is beginning to grey on the edges. His hairline has long since fled to the top of his head, but so far it's still all brown. -- Paul Giamatti

          He walks up to the corpse, looks it over, and lifts the chin to look at the neck. He jots down a few notes and steps out of view.

          Above the toilet is a set of four PHOTOGRAPHS taped to the wall. They are all from the same angle, high on a wall looking down.

          The first shows a WOMAN and BOY playing together in a dirty living room.

          The second shows the man and woman in the living room. The man is sitting facing the TV with an empty TV tray in front of him and the woman is entering the picture with a plate in hand.

          The third shows the man standing up over the woman who is now on the ground, his leg drawn back for a kick.

          The last shows the man watching TV again, eating dinner while the woman lies fetal on the ground. In the background the boy stands just inside the room, a stoic look on his face.

          Above the pictures the words "Caesar and his Empire- are written in neat red block letters.

          There is a camera flash and we CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPH #4 as it comes to life. -- NEED BETTER WORDING
          This goes into a flashback of the murder.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Need better wording

            Don't overthink it. Just dissolve into a flashback of the scene.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Need better wording

              why did you specify each photograph like that?

              even though you just gave us that blurb, i still found my eyes glazing over.

              you need to keep reader interest at every moment.

              if those pictures are extremely important, show the relevance later. i dont see the need to do a grocery list like that.

              but for your question:

              The last shows the man watching TV again, eating dinner while the woman lies fetal on the ground. In the background the boy stands just inside the room, a stoic look on his face.

              Above the pictures the words "Caesar and his Empire- are written in neat red block letters.

              There is a camera flash and we CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPH #4 as it comes to life


              The Picture reads "Caesar and his Empire". It's an image of the man having dinner in front of the TV, while the woman lies fetal on the ground. In the background the boy stands just inside the room, a stoic look on his face.

              There's a CAMERA FLASH as the picture comes alive and Kendrick is swept to-

              INT. A LIVING ROOM - NIGHT



              dont talk down to the audience.

              we'll figure out what's happening.

              good luck

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Need better wording

                A few thoughts ...

                Originally posted by James McMurray View Post

                A MAN steps into view, DETECTIVE CHARLES KENDRICK, 37. He’s a tall man in horned rim glasses

                I've heard "horned rim" glasses ... but I hear "horn rim" much more: the rims are made of horn or shell? Not sure what "horned" applies to. But that's just imo.

                and a suit that’s seen better days. While not quite overweight, he looks headed down that path,

                Either he's overweight (whatever that would mean, visually) or he isn't. But that sort of editorial voice is questionable in a screenplay, perhaps.

                And as such it may be more of a "writing non-visually" issue than occassionally "directing on paper"

                and his brown beard is beginning to grey on the edges. His hairline has long since fled to the top of his head, but so far it’s still all brown. -- Paul Giamatti

                He walks up to the corpse, looks it over, and lifts the chin to look at the neck. He jots down a few notes and steps out of view.

                Out of view of another character, okay. But he's never out of view of the reader's imagination.

                Above the toilet is a set of four PHOTOGRAPHS taped to the wall. They are all from the same angle, high on a wall looking down.

                They're ON the wall, looking down FROM a wall? Is that confusing?

                The first shows a WOMAN and BOY playing together in a dirty living room.

                PHOTO #1: shows a WOMAN ... etc

                PHOTO #2: shows the man and etc

                PHOTO #3: etc etc ???

                The second shows the man and woman in the living room. The man is sitting facing the TV with an empty TV tray in front of him and the woman is entering the picture with a plate in hand.

                The third shows the man standing up over the woman who is now on the ground, his leg drawn back for a kick.

                The last shows the man watching TV again, eating dinner while the woman lies fetal on the ground. In the background the boy stands just inside the room, a stoic look on his face.

                Above the pictures the words “Caesar and his Empire” are written in neat red block letters.

                There is a camera flash and we CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPH #4 as it comes to life. -- NEED BETTER WORDING

                Well, a camera doesn't flash. But my real issue is, it could mean a POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER'S CAMERA FLASHES -- I get what you mean -- But it could also mean (since you're directing on paper ) you're describing the movie camera's flash pan or whip pan or smash pan or ... whatever.

                A crime scene CAMERA FLASHBULB illuminates it ... and PHOTO #4 "COMES TO LIFE" (Whether you close in or zoom in on it or not is the Director's choice; do you NEED to specify?)

                This goes into a flashback of the murder.
                sigpic
                "As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world -
                that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves."
                -Mahatma Gandhi.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Need better wording

                  I liked your writing.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Need better wording

                    A MAN steps into view, DETECTIVE CHARLES KENDRICK, 37. He's a tall man in horned rim glasses and a suit that's seen better days. While not quite overweight, he looks headed down that path, and his brown beard is beginning to grey on the edges. His hairline has long since fled to the top of his head, but so far it's still all brown.
                    Just mentioning casually in passing, could be a teeny wee bit less noveleque, e.g.

                    DETECTIVE CHARLES KENDRICK, 37, expanding waistline, receding hairline, some grey in his beard, elbow patches, peers at the corpse over his horn-rimmed glasses. He lifts the chin, examines the neck, makes notes.

                    The photo angles are weird, reminded me of Lynch's Lost Horizon. They were taken in a living room, but from high on a wall looking down? You mean like a security camera?

                    Yeah tabula's numbered list reads better.

                    -Derek

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Need better wording

                      Although all the suggestions are constructive, I thought the page or two you posted to illustrate your question, considering it was a very early first draft, wasn't bad at all. You might want to save relatively minor questions until you finish the draft. I don't know about you, James, but having your pages critiqued as you go along would drive me nuts and kill my rhythm.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Need better wording

                        I just want to ask one question: who takes pictures of domestic abuse, and then puts them on the wall?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Need better wording

                          Originally posted by whistlelock View Post
                          I just want to ask one question: who takes pictures of domestic abuse, and then puts them on the wall?
                          See, James, you hooked whistlelock.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Need better wording

                            Rosie O'Donnel, Danny DeVito, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, George Clooney, and the ACLU. That's who.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Need better wording

                              Originally posted by Jimny Wayne View Post
                              Rosie O'Donnel, Danny DeVito, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, George Clooney, and the ACLU. That's who.
                              Jimny, stop watching "The View."

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