How to write it

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  • How to write it

    What I want to show is quick shots broken by the flickering BLACK SCREEN.

    The SCREEN FLICKERS. In between, Clarus manages to see:
    - Mary lies lifeless on top of the table.
    - The suspect's eyes slowly shut. A bullet hole in his forehead. Bloodied curtain behind him.
    - He dives across the table to grab the suspects arm, the one holding the knife.
    - The dead boy’s empty stare fixed on Clarus.
    CUT TO BLACK.
    Yes? No? Any suggestions?

    It's extremely sparse, I know. I fancy up the script on the re-writes. Besides the bland descriptions, should I be so direct to indicate that the SCREEN FLICKERS? Is there a trick to this?
    On the quick shots, I followed the format when you write a montage. Does it flow? Or is there another way to write it smoother.
    Last edited by Angeloworx; 12-23-2006, 03:29 AM.

  • #2
    Re: How to write it

    Maybe some variant on "Strobe light reveals:" might do the biz?

    Trivial typo, bullet hole not whole

    -Derek

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    • #3
      Re: How to write it

      HEHE. Whole. I'm such a moron. hehehe. thanks. revised it.

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      • #4
        Re: How to write it

        I'm just saying, you could probably revise a little more. Mary lies lifeless on top of the table. A bullet hole in his forehead. Why does he (Clarus?) dive across the table to grab the suspect's arm, isn't the suspect dead? Is the dead boy the suspect or are they two different people? Confusing little scene!

        -Derek

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        • #5
          Re: How to write it

          The previous pages sets it up. The suspect is holding a knife under the boy's neck. He will apply enough pressure as he falls back that he slices the kid's throat.
          Revise lay to lies. On to in. got it. I hate grammar.

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          • #6
            Re: How to write it

            Grammar is your friend. It's the device that makes sure you say what you mean. Writers should love grammar.

            "Your intuition knows what to write, so get out of the way.-
            ― Ray Bradbury

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            • #7
              Re: How to write it

              Personally, I avoid Grammar like it has the plague. I think I owe it some money, or something.

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              • #8
                Re: How to write it

                Question - is the 'Screen' that goes black a monitor Clarus is watching, or is it the screen the audience is watching?
                "I've got vision up the butt, so just go with it!" - Dewey Finn, School of Rock

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                • #9
                  Re: How to write it

                  Originally posted by Angeloworx View Post
                  What I want to show is quick shots broken by the flickering BLACK SCREEN.



                  Yes? No? Any suggestions?

                  It's extremely sparse, I know. I fancy up the script on the re-writes. Besides the bland descriptions, should I be so direct to indicate that the SCREEN FLICKERS? Is there a trick to this?
                  On the quick shots, I followed the format when you write a montage. Does it flow? Or is there another way to write it smoother.
                  I guess your question was about how to write this, not what to write?

                  First off, I'm not sure what 'We See' or are supposed to be seeing.

                  What's flickering? A television? The actually screen the audience is watching?

                  Is it 'snow' like the television lost connection, or flickers between a person changing channels of a old televison? You have to capture the visual elements you're trying to get across to the reader.

                  Be decisive not bland, is what they might be saying up there.

                  I would write it out and pace it accordingly. Space or no space, determined upon how fast you feel the different images are being displayed between the 'Fickers'.

                  (I have no idea who the suspect or 'he' the man diving across a table is. For this demonstration the suspect is Toothpick Earl, and Clarus is the infamous 'He')

                  BLACK.
                  FLICKERS OF LIGHT, then...
                  ...Mary lifeless body is displayed on top of a examination table.
                  BLACK.
                  FLICKERS OF LIGHT, then...
                  ...EYES.
                  Toothpick Earl's eyes slowly shut.
                  A small hole in his forehead streams blood, captivating a blood splattered wall behind him.
                  BLACK.
                  FLICKERS OF LIGHT, then...
                  ...Clarus flies across the table the Toothpick Earl.
                  Grabbing the knife welding maniac's arm.
                  BLACK.
                  FLICKERS OF LIGHT, then...
                  ... DEAD CHILD.
                  The boy's dead stare echos inside the mind of Clarus as he stand over him.
                  BLACK.
                  FLICKERS OF LIGHT, then...



                  This is kinda the way I might write it. Kinda... but it's your idea, not mine.

                  ...And 'yo man I don'ts gots esp or any of the stuff man, I like am just guessin' and whats maybe your go to try and do but I think maybe it's a like dat. And totally extreme to the fifth power and stuff, like cubed, plus one, plus one, man...'

                  Yeah the mtv generation really cares about grammer.
                  But this wily god never discloses even to the skillful questioner the whole content of his wisdom.

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                  • #10
                    Re: How to write it

                    Ravenlocks Grammar is your friend. It's the device that makes sure you say what you mean. Writers should love grammar.
                    Love is such a committed word.

                    CutteRugQuestion - is the 'Screen' that goes black a monitor Clarus is watching, or is it the screen the audience is watching?
                    Screen is the actual SCREEN the audience is watching.

                    Reddery - I like the idea of breaking it up and actually placing the word BLACK between each description but it ruins the pacing I had in mind. I want it to play as if it were a sublimnal message.
                    "Be decisive not bland..." - I don't know what that meant. I'm very decisive in my writing so much so that it is a detriment. I thought what I wrote conveyed what I've imagined. Unfortunately, I think of it in shots, not dramatic writing. This is when DD becomes the useful site it is.
                    Thanks for filling in the details to give an example. I figured if I wrote it clearly, people will get it. But, what do you know...

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                    • #11
                      Re: How to write it

                      Is the flickering screen important to telling the story? Will a director change that anyway? How about an INTERCUT instead? or a Montage?
                      Writer / Director available for your project.

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                      • #12
                        Re: How to write it

                        I think it's important. It's a really good device from seperating the dream world to the real one. It imitates a blinking eye or moments when you are about to wake up from your dream. I don't know if the director will use it but when a reader picks it up at least they can see it the way I see it. The process from then on will change anyway.
                        I thought it can play out as a montage with a certain look between each scene/shot. Maybe. Looking to see how much options I have on how to write it.

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                        • #13
                          Re: How to write it

                          SERIES OF SHOTS FLICKIRING ON THE TV SCREEN:

                          Rule #1 -- don't stop the reader -- the above takes care of everything -- as long as you summarily convey your message, the format is insignificant when it means you don't stop the reader.
                          "Take the thing you love, and make it your life"--Californication. [email protected]

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                          • #14
                            Re: How to write it

                            Simply tell your story. Just write it out as a normal scene. In a spec screenplay do not concern yourself with micro directing and micro editing.
                            "I am the story itself; its source, its voice, its music."
                            - Clive Barker, Galilee

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