To approve concept & get suggestions:)

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  • To approve concept & get suggestions:)

    I am rewriting my script from the begining, all the way back and changing it to be more suitable. I have been told by two, at least three to rewrite my script for children script in mind.

    At first, I struggled with the idea of "why me..." then, as I can see it, it was in the back of mind for the longest time. Yeah, yeah... I'm a idiot!

    The concept of a woman (female) pirate trapped in time, ready to spring out in the present to put all the things wrong in her life back to proper order.

    Now, you are problably thinking, how can she if her family that she knew is dead and buried? Well, she has kin, right! YEAH!!!!

    So, in respect of that, a comment suggested that she would be trapped in time by being placed in a mirror. I like... no love the idea. It avoids the time travel of the present character... and gives me the opportunity to release the gal and let her run amonk to set things right.

    Then I thought, to make this a family type of script, I would need what two people call:

    the sweet spot. Ages 8-12. or Tweens....

    Okay, that's fine with me. So, now to create a plot and purpose of all of this to make it enjoyable. I like the struggle of coming up with an idea, something that brings it out with a moral. But, I like to get opinions on what others think. Please? Tell me if you think the plot - story would work. Starting what I have below.

    Here's what I have in mind.


    Pirate Captain (Woman) trapped in a small mirror by a curse from her first mate Whitehall, right after she comes back from burying the hidden (loot)treasure that they stole. Her son, (only son) is disturbed that she neglected him all his life, never paid him any attention, is now happy that she died, or at least that's what he believes, (that she died). He tosses the mirror out into sea, merely months after he is safe on land, and she's trapped inside.

    Later, in the present. The pirate's descendants, a mother and daughter arrive into town and is hired as a live-in maid by the Whitehall estate. Neither are aware of their true past history of being a Kubrick. The daughter is 12, named Rachel has been neglected from her workaholic, ill mother; Martha. Little Rachel befriends a neighbor in school and is warn about old woman Whitehall and her two evil grandson's, David and Harry. While old woman Whitehall fights with Bernard her brother over the estate, he hires two bumbling idiotic thugs to search his sister's estate for the hidden treasure she claims she found.
    Meanwhile, Rachel discovers in the mirror the pirate, Captain Alyson Kubrick. She tells her mother, who believes she's crazy. The boys think it funny, and begin to intimidate her with evil dirty tricks, playing games and such. But Alyson convinces Rachel and Ben that if she would to find the pocket mirror and the red book in the Whitehall's library she could be free and help her to restore their family lineage.
    Rachel goes on a quest to do this, getting caught by the servants and reporting her to Mrs. Whitehall. She's warned. While, the bumbling thugs begin to dig up the back yard near the coast, they believe they found the treasure, but an accident happens and they fall over the cliffs and land in the ocean.
    Martha Kubrick becomes furious with Rachel and punishes her without supper. The next day, Ben tells her what David and Harry did to her mother, by trying to poison her with food. Martha gets sick and is rushed to the hospital, giving the boys the opportunity to do more harm to Rachel. While Alyson, summons her to the library and locate the book. She does, and finds the curse and the way to restore the pirate descendant.
    As Bernard visits his sister in threat that she hands over the estate, she forbids his request as his bumbling thugs come in to report they found the treasure. Mrs. Whitehall doesn't believe them, and goes upstairs to get her pocket mirror when she finds Rachel taking it. She escapes out the window of her bedroom and runs down to the cliff of the estates. Whitehall chases her, but Rachel slides into the passage down into the caverns as Alyson pointed out and with the items from the red book releases Alyson from the mirror.
    Now, the confrontation between the thugs, Mrs. Whitehall and her brother are faced off with Alyson Kubrick who is a live and well...



    Can anyone tell me if this works or not. It's a brain storm idea, and still in the works. If it has potential, let me know, anyone. I am open for suggestions. Nothing is set in concrete or stone.
    D. Alin
    http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

  • #2
    Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

    Hmmmmmm.... I think there is some potential. It has good conflict. I think the idead of living with a helpful pirate is a concept that kids would like (the secret between Kubric, the kid, and the audience could drive the story). I like that breaking the mirror could end the movie at any time (adds tension). Maybe only relatives of Kubric can see her in the mirror? It almost sounds like a new twist on Cinderella -- which I don't think would be a bad format to follow at all.
    "Take the thing you love, and make it your life"--Californication. [email protected]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

      Originally posted by ylekot43 View Post
      Hmmmmmm.... I think there is some potential. It has good conflict. I think the idead of living with a helpful pirate is a concept that kids would like (the secret between Kubric, the kid, and the audience could drive the story). I like that breaking the mirror could end the movie at any time (adds tension). Maybe only relatives of Kubric can see her in the mirror? It almost sounds like a new twist on Cinderella -- which I don't think would be a bad format to follow at all.
      Thanks, I meant to add a revise statement to the story. So, I'm going too... I have somewhat of an ending... but not complete... as you can see it's a work in progress. Here it is all over again, but with more detail.

      Pirate Captain (Woman) trapped in a small mirror by a curse from her first mate Whitehall, right after she comes back from burying the hidden (loot)treasure that they stole. Her son, (only son) is disturbed that she neglected him all his life, never paid him any attention, is now happy that she died, or at least that's what he believes, (that she died). He tosses the mirror out into sea, merely months after he is safe on land, and she's trapped inside.

      Later, in the present. The pirate's descendants, a mother and daughter arrive into town and is hired as a live-in maid by the Whitehall estate. Neither are aware of their true past history of being a Kubrick. The daughter is 12, named Rachel has been neglected from her workaholic, ill mother; Martha. Little Rachel befriends a neighbor in school and is warn about old woman Whitehall and her two evil grandson's, David and Harry.



      While old woman Whitehall fights with Bernard her brother over the estate, he hires two bumbling idiotic thugs to search his sister's estate for the hidden treasure she claims she found.


      Meanwhile, Rachel discovers in the mirror the pirate, Captain Alyson Kubrick. She tells her mother, who believes she's crazy. The boys think it funny, and begin to intimidate her with evil dirty tricks, playing games and such. But Alyson convinces Rachel and Ben that if she would to find the pocket mirror and the red book in the Whitehall's library she could be free and help her to restore their family lineage.


      Rachel goes on a quest to do this, she gets caught by one of the servants and reports her to Mrs. Whitehall. Whitehall's furious attitude warns the girl and threatens her mother of being fired if she continues to steal her things.


      Meanwhile, outside Bernard's hired bumbling thugs begin to dig up a spot in the back yard close to the coast were they believe they've found the place where Mrs. Whitehall buried the treasure. In their wild attempt to dig up the ground, they get into a predicament by falling over the cliff and landing into the ocean.


      When Martha Kubrick hears of Rachel's behavior she becomes furious with her and punishes her without supper. Yet, Bernard is not surprised by his hired thugs that they fumbled at the task of digging up the treasure, and they aren't even sure that they found it, for the equipment they're using detects metal, and not gold.


      The next day, Ben discovers what David and Harry did to Rachel's mother by putting poison in her food. But it's too late, for Martha had already eaten it and had gotten seriously ill. She was escorted quickly to a local hospital to get her stomach pumped. This gave Harry and David the opportunity to pursue more harm to Rachel. Yet, Alyson can see this and quickly summons her to a nearby mirror, and telling her to run! Rachel runs into Mrs. Whitehall as she meets with her brother Bernard about the estate's fortune.



      Rachel is frighten, and tries to convince her that a pirate is stuck inside the mirror. Mrs. Whitehall is scared that she found out the truth, and lures the girl to her room locking the door behind her. But Ben crawls up the window and lets her out. She sneaks back into the house searching the library as Alyson instructed. Her goal, to find the red book to reverse the curse and restore the piratedescendant.

      Bernard's bumbling thugs discover Rachel and Ben making a pass across the lawn to the main house, and decided to follow them. Both Ben and Rachel escape inside before they can catch them. Once inside, Rachel finds the book and looks into a wall mirror where Alyson tells her she has to get the pocket mirror, it's the only way to release her.


      While Mrs. Whitehall threatens Bernard about the estate, they are interrupted by his bumbling thugs about Rachel and Ben. Mrs. Whitehall is irate about the thugs, and goes upstairs to get her pocket mirror, when she does she finds Rachel taking it! Rachel quickly escapes out the bedroom window and slides down house and together with Ben runs to the shed which opens a hidden passage beneath the estate. Mrs. Whitehall , Bernard and his two thugs go chasing after Rachel and Ben.


      Alyson tells her to use the book, recite the spell reversal and release her. Rachel does, and Alyson is finally free! They arrive down into the depth of the caverns, and Alyson pulls out her parchment maps to locate the spots where she buried the treasure. It's then when Mrs. Whitehall, Bernard and his two thugs reach the cavern and discover the hidden loot, but not before Alyson puts a stop to them.



      Now, I need a real good finale to end the conflict. I like many people to post their options on this one, before I start to do an outline and all character profile sheets. If missing holes are in the story, like what the bumbling thugs should be doing, etc, I like to hear your thoughts, all complete or not. It really helps if the story is good, not just open and weak. Leaves me vulnerable to weak spots on the story, and it crumples.



      D. Alin
      http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

        An attention has been brought to me about doing the story like this... someone suggested that I mirror Alyson's neglect for her child in favor of pursing a dream is to make her mother a treasure hunter, a deep seap salvage diver who owned a company doing that with her ex-husband (deceased husband - long dead when this story takes place - starts.) So, there isn't any lingering issues or closures like in "Casper".

        I admit I am fine with that concept, but secondly it was suggested that during the salvage operation, the mother and father found the tossed pocket mirror in the ocean and recovered it. Being that Rachel's mother is a modern day "Pirate" a perfect metaphor for what is happening to Rachel and her mother. It feeding right into Rachel resenting her mother because of the fact she has no stability growin up because they live on a boat and are constantly chasing the treasure (salvage). Again, making it real motivation for why the present is repeating the past.

        Now, this idea might seem familar in some family type films, but I seem to wonder how could this situation put Rachel and her mother in the home of the Whitehall's and discovering the mirror, which they already found with the pirate Alyon Kubrick trapped inside. If there is a different angle on how this should unravel to show us more of the same faith that Alyson Kubrick experienced, then would I need the Whitehall's and their mischeivous acts of preventing Rachel in getting the mirror in the first place?

        I sincerely hope I haven't confused anyone at this, from the previous post on the subject. I like the idea of the salvage diving operating, and they finding the mirror... but unless Rachel is called by the pirate in the mirror to search for the book which is lost... probably for eternally... I can't seem to notice if this method works. Therefore, I'm posting this to get your opinions on what should happen to all of these characters?

        On one final thought, if I decide to add this idea... is that the pirate Kubrick tells her to seek out the Whitehalls... and somehow they do, but how should the conflict begins with all of this is beyond me????

        Any opinions?!
        D. Alin
        http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

          OK -- maybe start the scipt off with the parents fighting over the fact that they only recovered the mirror in their latest treasure hunt. Get sypathy for your protag by having her mini-goal (go to zoo or something) get blown out of the water by the parents' fight(which takes place in her presence.

          Sounds to me like a good mother-daughter MOW.
          "Take the thing you love, and make it your life"--Californication. [email protected]

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

            Originally posted by ylekot43 View Post
            OK -- maybe start the scipt off with the parents fighting over the fact that they only recovered the mirror in their latest treasure hunt. Get sypathy for your protag by having her mini-goal (go to zoo or something) get blown out of the water by the parents' fight(which takes place in her presence.

            Sounds to me like a good mother-daughter MOW.
            Hi Ylekto43-

            I am not having problems with the begining being done, but having the Whitehall's intervention added where I figured they had the mirror to begin with...

            It was suggested to me that I should start the script (after the pirate scene) in the present when the mother -daughter Kubrick owns and operate the salvage company and finds the mirror. I like the idea, but what puzzles me is having the bad guys be involved. Orginially my idea was having the mother and daughter come live in the bad guys home and the mirror is there. That's what I'd thought the story would take place. But, adding the salvage idea in the sink has thrown the story out the window where the daughter fights to get the mirror, and gets caught and fails... until the very end.

            I need help to figure out how the bad guys would get involved in the story, at this point.

            For example:

            Past: Pirate Captain negelects son, burries her treasure, comes back onboard and mutiny is proclaimed and she is trapped with a curse inside a pocket mirror.

            Present: Kubrick family owns and operates a diving salvage company, they find a pocket mirror underneath the ocean floor. Daughter the mother are like the son and pirate above, mother negelects the daughter's attention.

            Now, the bad guys are thrown in, how to add them?

            At first thought on this post, the bad guys," The Whitehall's" have the pocket mirror. The pirate trapped inside calls on the daughter of Kubrick, who is the only one that can communicate with. She attempts to steal the mirror, gets caught three times, and threaten that her mother (a live-inmaid) would be fired if she tired it again.

            That's the beat of the story in the eariler post. But, someone suggested to me privately to added the salvage scenario to the plot to thicken it a bit more. I like the idea, but I am trying to figure out how to make it work with what I already have. Any suggestions... if you don't understand my question, ask again and I will be happy to explain to you in PM.
            D. Alin
            http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

              Would it be useful or interesting to INTERCUT the past story and the present one? Highlander did this seamlessly and to great effect. Titanic to a lesser degree. And it's a mainstay of the show Lost.

              Keeps the "pirate" in the pirate movie. I know the pirate captain is awakened in the present, but at that point it ceases to be a pirate movie and becomes a "fish out of water" flick. Crocodile Dundee. Unless I haven't read closely enough.

              Regardless, I like where it's going! Go, go, GO!
              Many men, perhaps even most, are unhappy in their souls. We burn so hard but shed so little light it makes us crazy and sad. - CLIVE BARKER

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: To approve concept & get suggestions

                Originally posted by InDeep View Post
                Would it be useful or interesting to INTERCUT the past story and the present one? Highlander did this seamlessly and to great effect. Titanic to a lesser degree. And it's a mainstay of the show Lost.

                Keeps the "pirate" in the pirate movie. I know the pirate captain is awakened in the present, but at that point it ceases to be a pirate movie and becomes a "fish out of water" flick. Crocodile Dundee. Unless I haven't read closely enough.

                Regardless, I like where it's going! Go, go, GO!
                Thanks InDeep-

                I wanted to do this type of a story, but a little birdie flew into my ear and said don't do it, it will not sell nor will anyone want to know about it, it'll be a waste of your valuable time. So, I decided to take some of the characters and elements of it, and revised the story into something new and different of a plot. One, which I like better, and has more direction.

                I will come back to this one later, maybe after summer... once POC III is out and the racket of a pirate movie dies down. Although, if there's a hollywood exec. who feels this story has potential and has an interest, you can PM me and express your feelings. I am still open to writing it. No doubt!

                But thanks for your support InDeep, I do appreicate it! (Sorry for any misspelled words).
                D. Alin
                http://alinproduction.blogspot.com Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Basically) [Skype me at "Buyitpc" - I will surely love to talk!]

                Comment

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