First Scene

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  • First Scene

    I have seen some good feedback from a few people on the board and couldn't resit. Anyway, here is the first scene which translates to the first page and 3 lines.

    I would apreciate comments as to how well it flows, etc.

    Thanks.

    FADE IN:

    EXT. RAVINE -- EVENING

    A young man, RICHARD, in his early twenties runs to the top of a ravine. It is empty. The clouds are dark and the wind is blowing strongly, trees swaying calmly. There is a rustling in the bushes. RICHARD stops and turns in the direction of the movement.

    CHARLES
    Richard, what are you doing here?

    RICHARD
    There's a party today.

    CHARLES
    What?

    RICHARD
    A party. Bunny's there now.

    Three more step out from behind a tree.

    FRANCIS
    See, told you.

    HENRY
    How do you know he's at the party?

    RICHARD
    He left a note in the library.

    CHARLES
    Let's go home.

    HENRY
    Damn. I hoped we'd get this over with.

    CAMILLA
    I'm hungry.

    HENRY starts to walk off towards the woods.

    FRANCIS
    Where are you going?

    HENRY
    I'm going to go dig up some ferns. Then we can leave.

    Page 2

    FRANCIS
    Oh, let's just forget about that. Nobody's going to see us.

    HENRY
    Somebody might. If they do, I want to have an excuse for being up here.

    HENRY continues and disappears into the woods. FRANCIS pulls out a cigarette and leans against a tree.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. RAVINE -- LATER

    www.zappnetwork.com

  • #2
    Technical:
    Maybe "to the edge of an empty ravine"
    And
    If the wind is blowing *strongly* the trees may not be swaying *calmly*

    As for the flow, well, no offense but I find it confusing.

    Comment


    • #3
      Here is the cut to the ravine later. Maybe this will make it less confusing to see the whole picture. If not, then maybe I should reword some of it.

      CUT TO:

      EXT. RAVINE -- LATER

      HENRY comes rushing out of the woods.

      HENRY
      Someone's coming.

      CHARLES
      What?

      HENRY
      Around the back way. Listen.

      FRANCIS
      I don't hear anything.

      Footsteps begin to approach.

      A sixth young man, BUNNY emerges, holding a beer in his hand. He slowly approaches the others clustered together. Their heads all look in BUNNY's direction as he stumbles towards them drunk.

      BUNNY
      Well, I'll be damned. What's this? Meeting of the nature club?

      CAMILLA
      Hi, Bun.

      BUNNY
      Hi yourself.
      (takes a swig from his beer)
      You people sure do a lot of sneaking around in the woods these days.

      BUNNY walks up to RICHARD. He pokes RICHARD in the ribs.

      BUNNY
      I've been trying to reach you.

      RICHARD
      Really?

      BUNNY
      Aaah. So what's the story, deerslayers? You all just felt like coming our here to study the vegetation?

      HENRY appears from behind one of the others.

      HENRY
      Well, not exactly.

      BUNNY
      Henry old pal, this is quite a surprise.
      (pausing)
      What you doing, burying the dead?

      HENRY
      Bunny, I'm happy you came by.

      BUNNY
      Really?

      HENRY
      Yes. Yes I am, actually.

      BUNNY
      Tell me...
      (pausing)
      Just what in Sam Hill are you guys doing out here anyway?

      HENRY
      Why, we're looking for new ferns.

      Then, in an instant two of the men are atop BUNNY. They back him up to the edge of the ravine and push him over the side, but somehow he grips the wall with his hands. He is clawing for a grip that would allow him to pull himself up, to no avail.

      BUNNY looks up over the edge at the faces of his attackers and falls back, swinging his arms wildly.

      The side of the ravine reveals the falling body. The others turn away as his body slowly falls over the edge and towards it's eminent end. The impact is heard, but not seen as the five others back track down the hill, leaving the body behind. Walking briskly. None look back. They're emotionless as they exit and vanish into the woods. Confident that their mission was successful.

      FADE TO:

      Comment


      • #4
        Well, you only introduce Richard to the reader. All of a sudden, Charles, Francis, Camilla, Henry, etc. just pop out of nowhere, give us a little description. Thats what makes it a little confusing (to me anyway)...

        Hmmm...I smell another message area, First page??

        Comment


        • #5
          What Steeves said, plus...

          1) Five characters are in the scene and another (Bunny) is mentioned, but only one is properly introduced.

          2) Nothing really happens, except that they talk the first guy out of going to a party, and doing something with, or to, Bunny. Even then, there isn't much conflict in the discussion.

          3) The bit about the ferns seems like a device to seperate Henry so that something can happen to him.

          Overall, I'd say it's more confusing than intriguing.

          My $0.02

          Comment


          • #6
            A new message area might be a good idea

            We've had a few of these now and they are enjoyable and educational, both to the original and subsequent posters...

            Seems like a lot of people dying on page one... a trend for the 00's??

            Comment


            • #7
              Upon reading the second page...

              ...chuck the first page, and start with them throwing Bunny off the cliff, then handle your introductions on the walk back.

              Also, describe the depth of the ravine.

              That's my advice, and I'm sticking to it.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Upon reading the second page...

                I orginally had it so that it started out with them throwing him off the ravine. But I was told that i needed to expand that so that we see them waiting.

                That scene is like a prologue. The next scene jumps two years into the past and we follow these 6 characters to around page 85. Then the rest is how the 5 left handle the scene. This is a 150 page script so this is what happens in the middle of the script.

                As well as the 4 people who pop up, they are properly introduced about 7 pages later. This is Richard's story and that is why he is mentioned properly here. The others I wanted to keep a mystery until we met them a few pages later.

                The whole point of the scene is to throw people off, or at least that was sort of my intention, but to still keep it interesting.

                Maybe I am over analyzing my thoughts maybe not. But if it doesn't work in the end, it will have to be simplified.

                www.zappnetwork.com

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Upon reading the second page...

                  maccnick, I understand what you're saying about introducing the characters but I'm not sure if it comes across properly on paper. If you have a character named JOEY in a scene but don't want to reveal much about him until later, you still have to introduce him. He doesn't have to be known initially as JOEY, he could be UGLY HAWAIIAN SHIRT GUY, CUBAN CIGAR CHEWER, GUY WITH BAD COUGH, etc. until you're ready.

                  Comment

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