A challenging scene -- help!

[redindian75]

I am writing a very different scene. I need to know if I am on the right track (with respect to formatting and rules of screenwriting)

John is running to his house to warn Lilly that there is a bomb. I want to show John and Lilly in same screen (Top and Bottom), and I want the dialogs and sound to be in SHARED simultaneously.
This is made easier by the fact that the dialogs are in French, so I subtitle the dialogs. So when both characters speak on screen simultaneously, I just subtitle to make it easier on the audience. (One subtitle on the bottom for BOTH screens)

I want to know if this is the best way to tell this scene.

ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF PARIS

SPLIT SCREEN - SCREEN IS DIVIDED EQUALLY INTO TOP AND BOTTOM

TOP SCREEN - EXT. HOUSE
JOHN picks up the phone and dials a number. PHONE RINGING.

BOTTOM SCREEN - INT. HOUSE
LILLY hears PHONE RINGING.

TOP SCREEN - EXT. HOUSE
JOHN
(foreign language)
Subtitle: Hello ?
A LOUD sound of a BOMB BLAST.

BOTTOM SCREEN - INT. HOUSE
LILLY
(foreign language)
Subtitle: Hello ?
A LOUD sound of a BOMB BLAST.
------------------------------------------------

As you see, the dialogs and sound f/x are shared between top and bottom. That is, when the phone is ringing on top screen the same sound applies for bottom screen. Also, when John says HELLO, it applies for Lilly as well (hence Subtitle)

Is my format right ?

INTERCUT wont do - I want simultaneous action.

[dpaterso]

So if I were watching this, I'd have to look up and down and up and down to read your subtitled dialogue? Why must you make things so difficult?

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

[redindian75]

no - its ONE subtitle at the bottom. Becoz its the SAME dialog...
Actually, this is not the actual scene - but I've a concept - 2 stories with same dialog shown using split screens.

So I want to learn how to express it in a screenplay format.

[Speezer]

You don't need to write "subtitle:"

This is fine:

LILY
(in french)
Hello?

[redindian75]

LILLY
(in french)
How are you ?

and "How are you" gets automatically subtitled ?. So I dont need to write its french lines... like

LILLY
(in french)
Comment allez-vous ?
Subtitle: How are you

or

LILLY
(in french - subtitled)
How are you ?

-------------

Also how to handle it if its OFF SCREEN
LILLY (O.S - SUBTITLED)
(in french)
How are you ?

[fairtrax]

:x

There's no easy way to write this, and no prescribed format for it.

I don't think you need to re-establish each character's setting before every line of their dialog, just specify split screen and the settings in each screen then carry on as though you were intercutting.

If I had to read those mini slugs for two pages I'd tear them out and make a fire with them.

[nickj]

LILLY
(in french - subtitled)
How are you?

is fine.

[dpaterso]

My question still stands, why must you make things so difficult? The French for "hello" is "hallo" which is phonetically similar and doesn't really need to be subtitled, you could just write "Hallo?" without parentheticals. But if you insist, consider using (in French) instead of (foreign language) which is ambiguous, as others have suggested.

Where's the explosion? Why is it equally loud inside and outside the house? Or does Lilly's half of the screen disappear in an orange-crimson flash a split-second later?

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

[rdwilliams99]

IMO writing in that split screen falls into the stepping-on-the-director's-toes category. It doesn't really make the screenplay a more compelling read.

Read the scripts of films that had split screens. I know Requiem for a Dream doesn't have SPLIT SCREEN in the screenplay and that was co-written with the director.

Play it safe and use an INTERCUT.

[Webs]

FYI, in French it's "allo", not "Hallo". That word is typically reserved for phone hellos. In person, it's more often "salut".

[A Pathetic Writer]

I thought the traditional French greeting was "Je surrenderez"