Rec's for good slug line/description writing

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  • Rec's for good slug line/description writing

    I'm about to start rewrites on my latest script and after checking I wasn't dreaming or living in an (albeit lovely) alternate reality, I'm forced to conclude that, yes, I'll have to make the page count larger this time, not smaller.

    (Checks out window. Yup, sky's still gray. This must be home.)

    This means I have a new leeway with my action and scene descriptions. Of course they'll still be terse, but having spent more time acting in plays than writing scripts, my descriptions tend to be only a small step up from "XDSL" (which is the director's decision anyway).

    Can you recommend any scripts that offer descriptions that really drew you in as readers? Or any guidelines that have helped your descriptions be more compelling?

  • #2
    Re: Rec's for good slug line writing

    Try not to "describe a scene" and instead focus on communicating the action. A lot of scripts are bloated with scene descriptions that add nothing to the story. That's the first place you can cut without causing any bleeding.

    If you do have to "describe" try to integrate it into the action so the "describing" is organically created by the character's actions. Another approach is to condense the details into a short descriptor that captures the essence of the scene.

    HTH

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    • #3
      What Deus said.

      Basically, don't describe anything that's not moving...

      And that may even be the problem with your script - it may be that the story isn't being told through the physical actions of your characters. (Haven't read your script, so what do I know?)

      If page count really is the problem, don't try to fix it by adding filler material. Instead figure out why you are coming up short (plot too simple? not enough emotional conflict? no on screen struggle? no act 2?) and solve that problem.

      - Bill

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      • #4
        "What we got here is faliure to communicate."

        I don't appear to have explained my situation well. My apologies.

        The script is, technically, long enough. 86 pages is spartan, but honor has been satisfied. I mentioned it only to assure you I can afford to make some lines longer if they could also make the script stronger.

        The problem, if problem it be, is that this is the most visual story I've told. It could be shot in French and shown here sans subtitles and even the themes would still be obvious.
        But that's why those visuals need to pop for the reader. With a decaying Victorian mansion turned pauper lunatic asylum for a setting, I have an opportunity to really creep under a reader's skin.

        I don't want to waste that opportunity. So I was wondering what techniques or other scripts y'all may know of that can help a writer better convert a basic showplace for dialogue into a living, breathing, element of a scene.

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        • #5
          Re: "What we got here is faliure to communicate."

          This may seem a weird choice but THE HAUNTING might get you something, the house's description is integral to the story and, to me, was always interesting and vivid.

          -Derek
          My web page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

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          • #6
            Thanks!

            This is exactly what I was looking for! I don't think I'll allow myself to write descriptions quite that long, but I'll give myself permission to stop parsing good sentences down to the syllable now.

            Thank you!

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