Dialogue! Dialogue! Dialogue!

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  • Dialogue! Dialogue! Dialogue!

    I would very much like your opinon on something - I extracted this scene from a movie I watched recently - could you rate
    the dialogue on a scale of 1-10. [1= Ed Woods 10= John Steinbeck]

    Thank you

    INT. CAFE X - DAY

    WAITRESS
    You gotta problem with something?

    ALEX
    I want service.

    WAITRESS
    No. You're late for lunch.

    ALEX
    Did you hear me say I lunch? I want a cup of coffee, an' maybe a plate of biscuits.

    WAITRESS
    Will you go to one of the other tables laid for tea, please?

    ALEX
    No, this table suits me just fine. Thank you.

    The waitress walks away, superior and disapproving.

    WAITRESS
    (to herself)
    Suit your self. Bastard.

    ALEX
    Well?

    WAITRESS
    The waitress serving your table will be here in a minute.

    Again he inserts his hand under the tablecloth. Nothing. The card is gone!

    SUE (O.S.)
    Was it coffee you wanted, sir?

    ALEX
    I gave the order once.

    SUE
    I'm really sorry. There's been such a rush today. And it's my first day, an' I'm still learning the robes, so if you just bare with me. Have you lost something?

    He withdrew his hand, watching her with dangerous and unsympathetic eyes. His cheek twitches from nerves.

    SUE (CONT'D)
    I'll have to change the cloth again for tea, so if you've lost something...

    And like that, she clears the table of it's accessories, then nips together the corners of the tablecloth and lifts it in one movement from the table, crumbs and all.

    SUE (CONT'D)
    ... there's nothing there, sir.

    ALEX
    (cold)
    I hadn't lost anything.

    She lays down the fresh tablecloth. There's something in the boy's manner that gives us the impression that he despises this young waitress and her desire to please.

    SUE
    You wouldn't guess what I found here only ten minutes ago. When I changed the cloth.

    ALEX
    You always change the cloth?

    SUE
    Oh no.... it seems that way doesn't it. But only when a customer upsets his drink, and today when I changed it, there was one 'em Marty Martin's cards, worth fourty dollars.

    ALEX
    A Marty Martin card?

    SUE
    Mmm. It was really quite a shock. The others don't like it, they're jealous cause it's like only my second day here. They say I was a fool not to challenge him.

    ALEX
    You didn't challenge him?

    SUE
    Because I never thought. He wasn't a bit like the photograph, the one in the Messenger.

    ALEX
    Maybe the card had been there all the morning.

    SUE
    Oh no, it couldn't have been that. He was first man at the table.

    ALEX
    Well, it don't make any odds. You got the card.

    SUE
    Oh yes, I've got it. Only it don't seem quite fair - you see what I mean - him being so different.

    ALEX
    You're probably wrong about that. I don't think a respectable newspaper will send someone else, maybe you hadn't looked at him close. Else you'd have known.

    SUE
    Oh no, that's not it. I always look close, the customer, I mean. You see, I'm new so I get a bit scared. I don't want to do anything to offend. Oh, like sitting here talking when you want a cup of coffee.

    ALEX
    That's all right. You're the kinda girl I like.. I like a girl who's friendly.

    SUE
    You're very kind.

    ALEX
    Some of these here - they freeze you.

    SUE
    They freeze me.

    ALEX
    You're sensitive, that's what it is, like me.

    SUE
    I guess I am.

    ALEX
    I see you and I got a bit in common. We ought to get together one evening. What's your name?

    SUE
    Sue.

    ALEX
    Sue? I like that. Yes.. Sue.

  • #2
    Sanj, what's the point of this? Are you trying to learn what's effective dialogue and what's not? You did this a while back, over on Wordplay, and AZ. I'm just trying to get clear on what you want to get out of this.

    Comment


    • #3
      ...

      I think the dialogue in that sucks.

      Comment


      • #4
        EVERY line of dialogue should:
        1) Advance the story.
        2) Expose character.
        3) Be entertaining.

        This dialogue does not advance the story - it goes nowhere. It maky give us a little about character - but takes forever to get a small amount of information. It's not entertaining or amusing.

        I reads like filler material - a scene that would be cut long before this thing ever got to film... in fact, you'd have to cut out this scene if you wanted to sell the script. It's pointless.

        Please tell me the name of this film so that I make sure I never rent it.

        - Bill

        Comment


        • #5
          The scene comes straight from the pages of Graham Greene's (The Third Man) masterpiece Brighton Rock. Filmed in 1947. I guess it was quite foolish of me to take the scene out of context as you need to read the rest of the book to understand how this scene plays a very important role in advancing the story. One thing is certain, you can't cut it, change it maybe, but not cut it.

          But that's not really my concern here - I wanted to know how the dialogue sounded to the ear. Does it sound natural? Not according to the comment's I've heard. Quite frankly, I'm little surprised - after all, Graham Greene is one of the great novelists of the twentieth century and if that's not enough credit to his name, he's also a brilliant screenwriter. If the truth be told, I didn't really take to the dialogue either, but as this is Graham Greene we're talkin' about, the problem must be with me.

          One more thing, you say that every line of dialogue needs to advance the story, expose the character and also be entertaining. Apart from Shakespeare, I can think of very few films, if any, that can do that all at the same time.

          Don't be put off watching Brighton Rock. In 1999, the British Film Institute regarded it as the 15th best British movie ever made.

          Comment


          • #6
            if the scene had something to do with what the kid was trying to find under the tablecloth, the card, which sue the waitress is saying that she found in the morning, then i do believe the scene does indeed play an important part in the movie, does forward the plot, and does reveal character, as the cold, assholish guy is all of a sudden nice to her because she has what he wants. i'm assuming one of them, if not both, are important characters in this movie, that i haven't seen.

            unless i've somehow read it completely wrong.

            the dialogue, in context, works.

            in the future, it might help us a bit to post a short blurb of what happened before, so that as you yourself say, the context of the scene is more established.

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm with Strange. Once I figured out the general context and the character's motivation, I thought it read fine, particularly when it became clear that this was a pretty old movie (allowing me to ignore some of the awkward phraseology and the fact that the scene ran pretty long).

              Comment


              • #8
                Sanj, you have played this trite little pond-sucking game five times now, that I know of. I can't respond as I would like, I'm too much of a lady.

                Guys, get a clue- he's not interested in learning, he just likes getting a cheap little thrill out of watching you guys slam a famous screenplay. He's done it on Wordplay. he's done it on AZ, he's probably done it other places and he does it over and over and over again.

                His ear for dialogue is actually quite good- he is very adept at finding a flat-sounding passage in an excellent film, to use for his little jollies.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Would this scene ever make it in a "Michael Bay" movie? Probably not. Should all the little Micheal Bays of the world set worldwide cinematic standards? NO! (although, very sadly, in reality they kinda do nowadays.)

                  With or without context, this scene has nothing to suggest it is amateurish. Cryptic, perhaps. Intriguing, definitely. Amateurish, from a literary standpoint? No.

                  It's obvious from the beginning that the reader will have to read between the lines, but therein lies the amazing strength of the scene - in that, and in the fact it takes the time it needs to unfold (something we rarely see anymore, now that format and timing has taken over - pity).

                  The scene allows the reader to extrapolate on Alex and his intent in ways it wouldn't have been possible, had the "insipid in appearance" exchange not been present. One can deduct Alex is a very sly manipulator and the scene renders him justice, as probably does the whole movie.

                  It takes time to establish character. This scene is a beautiful example of the power of privileging taking the time to do so over cutting corners and resorting to clichés.

                  You want a smiley with that, Travis?

                  Jacinthe

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Just Add Context!

                    I've seen BRIGHTON ROCK. It's okay (the ending is what I most remember - it's what makes the film work.)

                    Now that I know what film this is from, I know that the most important information in this scene isn't there: The guy is a violent gangster with a hair-trigger temper (did Richard Attenborough play the role?). He's the human version of the explosives in WAGES OF FEAR and the waitress is a bumpy road. That turns the meandering into suspense - you have Hitchcock's two men discussing baseball with a bomb under the table. The longer the scene plays the more chance for violence to erupt.

                    But Greene or no Greene, this dialogue wouldn't play today... and why does that surprise you? It's over 50 years old! The world does change, you know.

                    So what is the purpose of this? What can we learn from this? Don't write 1940s dialogue? That's not exactly true - I wish I could write dialogue like the stuff in OUT OF THE PAST or SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS... or even THE THIRD MAN (the film's dialogue is much better than the novella's). I don't see what we learned from this... or even COULD learn.

                    Those three things are the criteria I use for dialogue on my scripts - and you'll see they apply to everything from LONE STAR to John Carpenter's THE THING to BLOOD SIMPLE ("You left your weapon behind" as he throws her the make-up compact). By the time a film gets released most dialogue has been trampled by a dozen feet - you can't judge a script by the film.

                    - Bill

                    My dialogue:
                    www.scriptsecrets.com/linker1.htm

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      All the spelling errors screamed novice to me. But those are probably Sanj's fault.

                      His clipping of some of the action didn't help things either. It left a few of the lines very out of place.

                      Theres two characters (waitress) with the same name. Thats retarded.

                      "WAITRESS
                      Will you go to one of the other tables laid for tea, please?"

                      Knowing this was written in the 40's would have helped too. This line completely through me off.

                      This post is a waste of space.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        DC... ditto

                        I find this screenwriting quiz game a bit much.

                        I will say this... Dialog from 50 year old movies, even classics, is from a different era and I find most of it much too stiff for today's audience.

                        If you are going to play this game I would suggest using screenplays less than ten years old. And as DC commented, one can ussualy find flat dialog, especially when it is taken out of context.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          re: Brighton Rock

                          DAMN YOU ALL! BRIGHTON ROCK... well, rocks. It's probably the best ever crime film ever made ever ever ever ever ever. DAMN YOU ALL!! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN YOU! With the exceptions of the lovers of the film, hehe.

                          Hatefront88

                          Comment

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