COMPLETE SENTENCES or INCOMPLETE????HELP!!!

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  • COMPLETE SENTENCES or INCOMPLETE????HELP!!!

    Let's say I had this the following scenerio in a script, which way would be more appropriate?


    She turns on the faucet. She leans down. She splashes water over her face, slowly comes back up.

    somthing like ^^^that or this:

    She turns on the faucet. Leans down. Splashes water over her face, slowly comes back up.


    These are examples, but I need real solutions, can someone please deliver their expertise? Thank you...

  • #2
    hell, i'm no expert, but the second's better. those 'she's' get distracting.

    Comment


    • #3
      Complete or incomplete?

      Sometimes I use terse, punchy phrases that aren't complete sentences to create immediacy:

      She listens. Footsteps. Heavy breathing... gaining on her.

      However, someone splashing water on her face and coming up slowly is more likely having a dramatic pause as she takes in devastating information. You don't need all that terseness. By using commas instead of periods, you have a grammatical sentence that better reflects the mood you want:

      She turns on the faucet, leans down, splashes water on her face, slowly comes back up.

      Comment


      • #4
        AnGilo,

        I generally replace 'ands' with commas. Sometimes, I use long run-on sentences or short incomplete sentences to convey action - just depends on which is more appropriate.

        LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        Dark. Tammy enters, plops in chair exhausted, reflects on the day's events, relaxes, turns lamp on. What a day!

        OR

        LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        Dark. Tammy enters, plops in chair. Thinks she hears a sound. Maybe not. She leans back. Can't relax. Reaches over, finally, turns on lamp. That sound again?

        Basically the same shot but with a different tone. First one's a rom-com, second is Scream 7.

        I think readers appreciate that kind of description. To the point. I find myself pissed at my own writing if, during a re-read of one of my scripts, I have to stumble over even one extra word. I usually delete that word.

        In your example, I'd remove some stuff - like faucet. It's a bit mechanical. You know?

        How about:

        BATHROOM
        Mary clomps in, tension etched on her face, runs cold water, splashes her face, rises slowly, unable to face herself in the mirror.

        See, no 'turns on faucet'. Way clunky. You can't get water at a sink without turning on the faucet. That description is more for a plumber. PLUMBER turns on faucet - water runs.

        PLUMBER
        Looks okay to me.

        My way conveys both action and characterization at the same time.

        AG
        Seattle

        Comment


        • #5
          Basic tool of screenwriting

          I read somewhere that sentence fragments are a basic tool of screenwriting. And I agree, especially when I compare your two versions. The second moves much faster and I like it better. English class, this ain't.

          Ichiro

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          • #6
            ....

            THANX KINDLY TO EVERYONE WHO REPLIED...KOJ, THANX FOR THE OVERVIEW...

            Comment


            • #7
              For an example from an absolute expert, check out anything written by William Goldman, especially "Butch Cassidy and the SunDance Kid" or "The Princess Bride". Not only is Goldman one of the best screenwriters ever, he uses the format to its fullest. A young writer wouldn't be hurt by his influence.

              Comment


              • #8
                re:

                Keep it short and sweet! It's less distracting!

                Youngland
                It's Our Time

                Comment


                • #9
                  I like your second one better, however you need to be aware of your rhythm and how the words and punctuation you use, in conjunction with one another, create that rhythm.

                  Your second example reads a little awkward because you violate that rhythm by using the comma when you've used periods to create individual short sentences (shots) previously in the same line AND you use the word "slowly" as your transitional word, which contradicts your choice in punctuation because with the comma I'm reading it "faster" (all as one shot). If I'm reading short phrase/sentences, separated by periods, I'm basically reading those as complete actions (again, shots) and am mentally putting a pause, no matter how small, between each action (even if they flow into one another):

                  She turns on the faucet - one action/shot
                  Leans over - another action/shot
                  Splashes water over her face, slowly comes back up - all one action/shot

                  The comma makes "slowly comes back up" part of the action of "Splashes water over her face" in my mind as I'm reading it. This makes it read funny by creating a slight mental paradox - I'm reading it "faster" because of the comma (rather than a period), but you've used the word "slowly" after the comma which causes a couple of synapses to misfire, producing momentary confusion. It can't be both fast and slow.

                  I might write it like this:

                  She turns on the faucet. Leans over. Splashes water on her face...

                  Slowly comes back up. [on a completely different line]

                  Or, eliminate "slowly" altogether:

                  She turns on the faucet. Leans over. Splashes water on her face...

                  Rises from the sink.

                  OR:

                  Splashes water on her face... rises from the sink. [same line]

                  I think the ellipses create a pause yet maintain the flow from shot to shot. One action leads to the next, but we're... slowing... down here. The actions melt into one another. It doesn't read "fast" but it implies a different sort of pause than a period might.

                  Basically, a series of short/terse sentences give the action a "staccato" feeling. Ellipses give it more of a "slow flow"; even slower if you put the next action on a different line. Commas between action make it somewhat staccato, but give the feeling of each action being part of the same shot as the last/next. Does this make any sense? Main thing - be aware of the rhythm of the actions/shots you're creating .

                  Anyway, just my take. Good luck.

                  Tony


                  PS - I also like kojled's advice of eliminating the word "faucet". Different atmospheres, tones, genres, and characters absolutely affect the way you describe action.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    i'd just go ahead and omit the "rises" part. if she leans over to splash water on her face, it's implied she's going to rise, because she's not going to stay bent the rest of the scene. it seems more trouble than is worth, imo. bottom line is the reader will get it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      She COULD stay bent the rest of the scene if her hair gets caught in the drain. If I was a reader, I would automatically assume that her hair was caught 'till she rose up and proved me wrong.

                      :lol

                      Just kidding. Good call, Strange. I totally missed that in my quest to get my point about rhythm across.


                      Tony

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                      • #12
                        I rely heavily on sentence fragments, mainly because I'm a lazy writer. I don't like typing out lines and lines of action or description. Keep it short, but interesting. Generic example:

                        For Description:

                        BILLY BAD ASS

                        enters the pub. Rock-a-billy music over the house speakers, clouds of cigarette smoke, tough guy heaven.

                        SALLY THE WAITRESS

                        moseys towards him, drink tray in hand, hair like a tangle of weeds. She gives him the once over, lips smacking on chewing gum jutting halfway out of her mouth.


                        For Action:

                        BILLY BAD ASS

                        rockets a jab into the Biker's throat. The Biker grabs his neck, his

                        CIGARETTE

                        shoots out of his mouth and bounces along the table, rolling to a stop in a

                        PUDDLE

                        of spilled liquor.

                        FLAMES

                        erupt, licking at Billy Bad Ass's leather sleeve, lighting him up.

                        He quickly sheds the jacket, tosses it onto

                        THE BIKER'S FACE,

                        the biker screaming as he pulls the jacket away just in time to see

                        A FIST

                        hitting him dead between the eyes.

                        THE BIKER

                        wobbles, falls over, hits the floor out cold.


                        That might be a bit too fragmented, but I think this way does a better job at directing the reader's eye without laying on pretentious camera angles or cut to's. It reads well for me, anyway, without sounding like bad seventh grade poetry.

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