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  • sex

    the idea or point i am trying to make is that they are very passionate and are inlove. tell me what you think Good or Bad

    Katie softly kisses Kenneth on his neck, as she moved up to his lips. she gently un bottons kenneths bottons, as she gently kiss his chest, feels his well defined muscles with her hand......kenneth takes off her gown...... he moves closer to her, lays his hand on her hair, gently kisses her, he picks her up and lays her down on soft leaves and grass. he takes off her panies and braw......slowly leans towards katie, as thier eyes are glancing at each others, he penetrates her, she grabs his neck and kiss him. as the leaves start moving, she wraps her legs around his bottom, she holds a firm grip on the grass. she puts her hands on his back, and moves it horizontally.

  • #2
    Re: sex

    James - the main problem here is grammar and spelling. Also, I would think you could leave out 'he penetrates her', it sounds too heavy handed and not erotic at all. I would write the scene like this (bare in mind I've never done this before):

    Katie softly kisses Kenneth on his neck, as she moved up to his lips. she gently un bottons kenneths bottons, as she gently kiss his chest, feels his well defined muscles with her hand......kenneth takes off her gown...... he moves closer to her, lays his hand on her hair, gently kisses her, he picks her up and lays her down on soft leaves and grass. he takes off her panies and braw......slowly leans towards katie, as thier eyes are glancing at each others, he penetrates her, she grabs his neck and kiss him. as the leaves start moving, she wraps her legs around his bottom, she holds a firm grip on the grass. she puts her hands on his back, and moves it horizontally.
    Katie gently kisses Kenneth's neck, gradually moving toward his lips. She unbutton's his shirt, gradually exposing his chest, kissing down his torso as she does so. Kenneth slowly removes her gown, moving closer to her - laying one hand on her hair he kisses her. He picks Katie up, moving her to lay down on the soft leaves and grass around them. He removes her underwear, leans toward Katie. Their eyes meet. She grabs his neck and kisses him. They are now intertwined in lovemaking; she wraps her legs around him and exhales slowly, all the while her hands caressing his back.

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    • #3
      Re: sex

      Bad. It's prose, not screenplay.

      They kiss as they gently remove each other's clothes, then lie on the grass and make tender love.

      Let the actors figure out the details.

      -Derek
      Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity.

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      • #4
        Re: sex

        Thanks James...Oh..I needed that!
        I'm not crazy....I'm just a little unwell....

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        • #5
          Re: sex

          "...she puts her hands on his back, and moves it horizontally."

          Try diagonally, that always spices things up.
          " Life is high school with money. " Frank Zappa

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          • #6
            Re: sex

            Damn... did I just make a fool of myself?

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            • #7
              Re: sex

              [QUOTE=dpaterso]Bad. It's prose, not screenplay.

              They kiss as they gently remove each other's clothes, then lie on the grass and make tender love.

              Let the actors figure out the details.
              [QUOTE]

              Yeah, good call. Half the advantage of writing screenplays as opposed to novels is that most of the troublesome details become the DIRECTOR'S problem. Remember "The party continues running down the stairs" from the LOTR script?

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              • #8
                Re: sex

                Originally posted by magicman35
                Didn't you mean "make sweet, sweet love"?
                Depends where his tongue goes; depends what she ate this morning.

                -Derek
                Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity.

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                • #9
                  Re: sex

                  Agree. It's way too much of prose. Let's assume that actors/directors can figure out where kiss "A" should take place and when to insert slot "B" what you should convey in a love scene is the attitude. Are they in a hurry? Are they ripping clothes off because they can't wait to see each other naked? Are they afriad they might get caught? Does that make it more exciting? Is it her first time? Does she feel pain that turns into pleasure? Are they breaking furniture? Throwing shoes? Scaring small woodland creatures? If it's suppose to represent passion then put that in the writing...

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                  • #10
                    Re: sex

                    When it comes to writing a sex scene, I'm of the opinion that the reader can do a better job of picturing it than you can describing it. In prose writing, you want the reader to do 50% of the work, in screenwriting you want the reader to do 75-80% of the work. Just capture the important visual and thematic elements of your story, the reader will fill in the blanks themselves.

                    But, as a more nuts-bolts approach. If it takes you more than two sentences to describe a sex scene, you're screwing up. And D's example is a good one to follow.

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                    • #11
                      Re: sex

                      Annecdotally, I used to live in Venice and go through a producer's trash dumpster. Among the many cool things to be found were stacks and stacks of submitted scripts (trashed).

                      One of the most doomed and troubling was one huge "screenplay" that was obviously meant to be the character's memoirs of "all the women he's loved" etc ... the story building through the sequence of mostly sex scenes

                      An interesting idea that read like ... prose porno. Or a deranged writer stalking the producer. Or a writer getting his erotic jollies on the page. Bad tactics for selling a screenplay in any case.

                      Of course, that's the opinion of moi, upside down in the guy's trash dumpster, legs bicycling in the air, reaching for the COOL Hollywood trash!

                      Don't do it.

                      Tell enough sex action to sell the scene, advance the story, to reveal the characters inner motives ... much more explicitness risks turning the reader off as much as turning them on, I'd fear.
                      sigpic
                      "As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world -
                      that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves."
                      -Mahatma Gandhi.

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                      • #12
                        Re: sex

                        Originally posted by whistlelock
                        in screenwriting you want the reader to do 75-80% of the work.
                        Excellent point Whistlelock. One of the dangers of spoon-feeding too much detail is that it reduces the role of the reader from participant to mere spectator.

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                        • #13
                          Re: sex

                          thanks alot people for your insightful input, but couple of days ago, i asked how to write a sex scene and i was adviced to read basic instict. joe ezareus(whatever his name is) wrote his sex scene very similar to what i did, i dont think i gave too much. but the bottom line is that, it sounds way too prose?

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                          • #14
                            Re: sex

                            Jf, I would parse it this way: Include what's important to telling the story. If the specifics of their lovemaking are important to the story, include them by all means. In "Basic Instinct," this might well have been true.

                            If the specific actions are not important, then leave them out and let the director direct and the actors act.

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                            • #15
                              Re: sex

                              My thoughts are that your writing should capture the feeling and intensity of the sex if it's improtant to the story. Are they making love like in Derek's example or are they ripping off clothing with the sounds of shirt buttons pinging around the room?
                              "This is insane, he has space dimentia" - a line from Armageddon

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