Entries - Halloween 2020 contest

[dpaterso]

And thus it came to pass that we have 5 entries, which is perhaps the bare minimum for a contest. The titles are:

Chug
Space Jockeys
A Gentlemen's Agreement
Shamble Inn
Toaster

Read the entries and decide which are your 1st, 2nd and 3rd favorites of the bunch.

PM or email (dpaterson57 at gmail.com) your votes to me by midnight 31st Oct in the format,

1st - title
2nd - title
3rd - title

Don't vote for your own entry, if this was allowed then everyone would do it so what's the point, it just clouds the voting.

It helps if you make notes as you read so you remember which scripts tickled you the most, is it visual, are the characters believable, does dialogue sparkle, etc. Who knows, you might post these notes after the results are announced. It's nice to have feedback.

Shout if you see any formatting problems and I will endeavor to fix 'em. Readers, if anything looks weird, assume it's me and not the author.

Have fun!


For posterity, the discussion thread is here and the results thread is here.

[dpaterso]

CHUG

FADE IN:

EXT. CHUGWATER, WYOMING CITY LIMITS - NIGHT

Beatup sedan weaves across center line, passing city sign:
"CHUGWATER POP. 244."

EXT. CHUGWATER SODA FOUNTAIN - NIGHT

Sedan overshoots parking slot, barely misses store wall and
parked truck.  PAUL SCHAEFER -- 30s, crumpled business attire,
gives-no-sh!its attitude -- chucks out energy drink cans as
car door opens.

                      PAUL
              (on phone)
          Come on, Sarah, put her on the phone.
          I do want to hear about her Halloween
          dance recital.  Fvck.  I do care.
          Just put her on the phone.  Yeah, I
          shouldn't have missed it.  I keep
          missing everything.  Blah, blah,
          blah.
              (clicks phone off)
          Bitch.

Paul straightens up, smacks himself in the face to wake up
as he walks to store door.  Notices truck with Mason symbol
encircled with: "KEEPING CHUGWATER CLEAN SINCE 1904."

                      PAUL
          Serious?

INT. CHUGWATER SODA FOUNTAIN - NIGHT

Paul stumbles through the threshold, knocking into a postcard
stand.  Tries to straighten it -- frustrated, walks away.
Teenage SODA WORKER finishes up to-go milkshakes for teenage
couple.  Few other customers check out trinkets.

Paul beelines to back of the shop for more energy drinks and
bag of chips.  Grabs a couple of drinks and looks around.
Spots a lighter stamped with Chugwater store emblem.  Nice --
slips right into his pocket.

As walks to register, sees free candy in Halloween dish and
snags several pieces.  Spots notice at register: "SHOPLIFTERS
PERSECUTED TO FULLEST EXTENT OF LAW.  HAVE A GREAT DAY!:)"

Paul scoffs as he plops purchases on counter.

                      PAUL
          Hey, what's up with the name of this
          sh!t town?

                      SODA WORKER
          This is a nice town, mister.

                      PAUL
          Yeah, sure it is.  Name like Chugwater
          says it all.

                      SODA WORKER
          That's be twenty-seven dollars and
          sixteen cents.  Anything else?

                      PAUL
          Does it look like anything else?
          Sh!t, do you women stream TED Talks
          on how to castrate men for everything
          in our lives?

                      TEENAGE WORKER
          You might have forgotten something.

Paul slaps thirty dollars on the counter.

                      PAUL
          Keep the change.  I think your sh!tty
          town needs it.
              (points at deer head
               on wall)
          Maybe feed the deer more, you know?
          Moral fvcking high ground.

As Paul walks out, sees cheap poster on the wall with photo
of attractive woman: MISSING -- SEEN THIS LARAMIE WOMAN?
CONTACT CHUGWATER POLICE AT KEEPCHUGWATERCLEAN.COM."

Looks around -- rips poster off wall.  Sees another missing
woman underneath.  Rips that one too, to reveal guy next.

                      PAUL
          Ugh, sausage fest.

Walks to

SEDAN

tosses purchases inside and hops in.  Places missing posters
on seat beside him.

                      PAUL
          Missing some nice pieces of ass, am
          I right ladies?  Guess it's a three-
          way Chug fest on the road to Laramie.
          Giddyup.

INT. SEDAN - NIGHT

Paul finishes an energy drink and chucks it aside.  Glances
over at missing woman photo.  Reaches to adjust his privates
and feels stolen lighter in his pocket.

                      PAUL
          Do I have anything else I want to
          buy?  Please.

Paul flicks the lighter and holds it up in the windshield.

                      PAUL
          Ha, worth it.  Maybe I should start
          smoking again.  Might be the best
          decision I've made all --

Truck lights blast up behind him... alongside him in a
heartbeat.  Paul sees it's the truck with the Mason symbol.

                      PAUL
          Hey, what the hell!

Sees Soda Worker in passenger seat.  She nods to DRIVER.
Truck speeds up.  Paul thinks he's in the clear.

                      PAUL
              (pockets lighter)
          Yeah, go home to your sister moms,
          punk ass bitches.

Sh!t -- truck is stretched across the roadway.  Paul slams
the brakes, barely misses the truck.  Car stalls in a roadside
rut.  Looks up -- Driver walking towards him with baseball
bat.  Smashes front light.

Freaked, Paul tries to manhandle car out of rut but no go.
He scrambles out the passenger side, into dark

WOODS

Winded, he hunkers down in some overgrowth.

                      DRIVER
          Fe fi fo fum, I smell blood of a
          thief around.

                      SODA WORKER
              (kisses Driver)
          Ha, good one.  Come on, mister, make
          it easy.  One way or another you're
          gonna go chug.

Driver and Soda Worker head left, away from Paul.

What the hell?  Paul flicks the lighter to orient himself.
He spots his car back on the road, decides to double back.

Paul sprints through the brush, almost to his car.

WHOMP -- baseball bat to the gut.

Darkness.

INT. ABANDONED BASEMENT - NIGHT

Paul wakes.  Makes out unsurmountable wall beside him, open
night sky above.  The remaining basement of demolished house.
Hears breathing beside him.  Flicks lighter.

MISSING WOMAN from one of the posters is beside him.  She's
grungy and unsettled.  Two buckets are only other occupants.

                      PAUL
          What the -- my god, that smell.

                      MISSING WOMAN
          Shhhh.  Quiet for a second.  That's
          the best way to get settled.

                      PAUL
          Settled?  What the fvck?

                      MISSING WOMAN
          They'll use one bucket for food and
          the other you'll use for... you know.
          And the sooner you start telling
          them how you can be a good person
          the better.  Otherwise...

She shows him her arm covered with cigarette lighter burns.

                      PAUL
          Good person?  Shut up.  Just let me
          figure this out.

Quiet.  Broken by --

                      MISSING WOMAN
              (screaming)
          He's awake.  Get me out!  Please.  I
          miss my family.  I miss my son.  I'm
          sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  I'm
          not a thief any more.

Rope ladder drops down beside the Missing Woman.

She scrambles on.  Ladder pulls up.  Paul grabs at her.

Missing Woman kicks him in the face.  Paul falls.

                      MISSING WOMAN
              (from above)
          I won't tell anyone.  I swear.  On
          my son's life.

Paul looks up.  Sees Soda Worker and Driver leering down.

                      SODA WORKER
          Told ya.  You all land with a chug.

                      PAUL
          Fvck you.  I mean... I have a family
          too.  They'll miss me.  They will.
          Please... please.

No reply.  Woman's hand hurls lighter into the pit.  Paul
flicks his lighter and looks right -- lighters surround him.

INT. CHUGWATER SODA FOUNTAIN - NIGHT

Bundled up TIRED WOMAN walks in, past Soda Worker.  Grabs
candy bar, notices lighter.  Turns it over -- palms it.
Puts candy bar on counter to pay.  Notices shoplifter sign.

                      TIRED WOMAN
          Does that smiley face keep people
          from shoplifting?

                      SODA WORKER
          Not really.  Bad people gonna be bad
          people.  Anything else?

                      TIRED WOMAN
          Oh crap, this lighter too.  Sorry.
          Last camping trip before the snow.
          So, Chugwater.  What an interesting
          name.

                      SODA WORKER
          They say it was the sound buffalo
          made when they fell from the cliffs
          to the ground below.

                      TIRED WOMAN
          Whoa.  Wow.  Won't forget that anytime
          soon.
              (holds up lighter)
          Thanks for the memento.  Cute town.

Tired Woman walks to door, notices missing poster -- Paul's
face stares out: "PAUL SCHAEFER MISSING SINCE MAY.  DAUGHTER
MISSES HIM.  REPORT ANY LEADS TO KEEPCHUGWATERCLEAN.COM."

Door held open.

                      TIRED WOMAN
          Oh, thank you.  What a gentleman.
          We need more people like you.

Driver smiles, walks in with bucket.  Soda Worker drops in
apple and carrot sticks.

Driver nods and walks back out.

                                                   FADE OUT.

[dpaterso]

SPACE JOCKEYS

FADE IN

INT. THE TV ROOM - DAY

ON A TV SCREEN we watch a Saturn rocket launch into space as
a HEROIC SOUNDTRACK plays. We PULL BACK and see more of the
room. There’s a toy shelf filled with LEGO spaceships: a
shuttle, lunar modules, a moon rover. A poster on the wall
shows an futuristic rocket ship hurtling past a ringed
planet.

                      BOY’S VOICE (O.S.)
          Captain’s log. Starfire 4 boarding now.

                      GIRL’S VOICE (O.S.)
          When do I get to be the captain?

PULLING BACK we see two FIGURES walking toward a coffee table
in front of the TV, coach cushions are flipped on their sides
next to it. The figures are short, child-size, one slightly
taller than the other. They are clad in hand-made costumes:
motocross outfits - with heavy gloves and boots, backpacks,
and helmets with tinted goggles and a flashlight duct taped
to the crest. The taller figure turns to the other.

                      BOY
          Look, this is your first mission. You
          gotta prove you’re ready before you
          command a starship. It’s dangerous out
          there. Do you know what to do if we run
          into a black hole? Or a meteor storm? Or
          Xenobian pirates?

She shakes her head.

                      BOY
          Exactly. Outer space isn’t for little
          princesses, you know.

The boy slips his leg over the cushions and sits on the
coffee table. The girl does the same, using his shoulder as a
brace. She sits behind him.

                      BOY
          Pre-flight check.

He taps the cushion in front of him.

                      BOY
          Fusion rockets?

He waits a moment then turns to her.

                      BOY
                (louder)
          Fusion rockets?

                      GIRL
          Oh...right. Check.

He nods and pushes more imagined buttons.

                      BOY
          Solar reflectors?

                      GIRL
          Check.

                      BOY
          Mission rations?

She raises a Ziploc bag filled with dried fruit.

                      GIRL
          Check.

The boy nods and lifts up an upside-down plastic hanger ducttaped to a tennis racket.

                      BOY
          Let’s light it up! Three...two...

                      GIRL
          One!

                      BOY
                (annoyed)
          That’s my call! I’m the captain.

                      GIRL
                (sighs)
          Sorry.

He presses more buttons.

                      BOY
          Launch is reset. On my signal.
          Three...two...

She silently counts down the numbers on her hand.

                      BOY
          One!

They both make BLAST OFF NOISES and bob up and down. The
boy’s tennis racket steering column shakes right and left.

                      BOY
          I’ll trim the stabilizers, see if it
          smooths it out.

He punches a button and his shaking eases off. She follows
his lead.

INTERCUT WITH GREEN SCREEN/ SPACE FOOTAGE

The screen is filled with TWINKLING STARS.

                      BOY
          And just think, all those stars are suns
          with tons of planets and moons.

                      GIRL
                (amazed)
          They seem so small.

                      BOY
          Of course, they’re millions of miles
          away. That’s why we use fusion rockets.
          We need a lot of power to anywhere fast.

He taps the cushion board.

                      BOY
          Let’s open these engines up and check the
          Dregan Nebula. Hang on, this can make you
          dizzy and believe me, you don’t want to
          puke in your helmet.

She nods and braces herself on his back.

The STARS turn to STREAKS as they hurtle through space faster
than the speed of light.

                      BOY
          Wooh!

The girl nods and pumps her fist.

                      GIRL
          Whooheee!

The stars return to normal.

                      BOY
          Looks like the Jokka system. Some of the
          prettiest planets you’ll ever see.

The duo soars past majestic PLANETS and MOONS of a variety of
colors.

                      GIRL
          They’re beautiful! Do you think anyone
          lives on those planets?

                      BOY
          Could be. Or maybe they’re just filled
          with rocks and plants.

                      GIRL
          And bugs?

                      BOY
          Sure, but bugs as big as a house!

                      GIRL
          Really?

                      BOY
          I told you this was no place for
          princesses. It can be scary.

                      GIRL
          I’m not scared!

                      BOY
          Good, because things are going to get
          pretty dicey here in a minute.

                      GIRL
                (apprehensive)
          Why? What is it?

He points ahead.

ASTEROIDS suddenly drift by.

                      BOY
          Asteroid belt! Hang on!

The boy leans right, then left, the girl matching his
movements albeit a second or two behind.

ASTEROIDS ZOOM past them.

                      BOY
          You have to be quick on the stick around
          here or you’ll be toast! Look out!

He yanks the steering racket left and leans. She mimics him.

A MASSIVE ASTEROID passes just yards from them.

                      GIRL
          Yikes, that was close! You’re a great
          pilot!

                      BOY
          Thanks. Top of my class at the academy.

                      GIRL
          You went to school to be a starship
          captain?

                      BOY
          Well yeah, there’s a lot to learn if
          you’re going to go flying around the
          galaxy.

He scans the area around their ship.

                      BOY
          Looks like we’re clear of the asteroids.
          And there’s something you don’t see every
          day - double suns!

They sail past DUAL RED SUNS, a solar flare arcing out.

                      GIRL
          Awesome!

The boy nods. He rolls his shoulders.

                      BOY
          It’s getting hot in here. Pass me one of
          those hydration kits, will ya?

The girl reaches down, looking for something. She hands him a
juice box. He stabs the straw in the pack and sips it under
his mask.

The girl points to something.

                      GIRL
          That star is moving really fast. It’s
          coming our way.

The boy looks to where she’s pointing.

The object is indeed coming at them, but it’s not a star it’s
a SPACE SHIP.

The boy flings his juice box aside and grabs the steering
racket.

                      BOY
          That’s no star! It’s a Xenobian
          destroyer!

                      GIRL
          Holy cow! Pirates! Are they after us?

                      BOY
          What do you think? Evasive action! Fusion
          rockets...engage!

The duo rock back and forth in their ship.

Their ship soars forward but the Xenobian ship keeps pace.

                      GIRL
          They’re still on our tail!

                      BOY
          Dang it, we can’t outrun ‘em. Looks like
          we’ve got no choice but to give them a
          dogfight.

                      GIRL
          You sure? Maybe we can talk to them?

                      BOY
          Xenobian pirates don’t talk, they blow
          things up! And they don’t take prisoners.
          You better be ready to rock those pulsar
          cannons.

She lifts up a big Nerf blaster, pumps the stock and nods.

                      GIRL
          Locked and loaded, Captain!

                      BOY
          Then let’s give them what they came for!

FX: Laser BLASTS streak by as they do a hard turn and soar
past a BLUE PLANET.

The girl fires the Nerf gun.

                      GIRL
          Pew!Pew!

Laser blasts pound the Xenobian ship.

                      BOY
          Nice shooting! But that armor of theirs
          is tough. Let’s see what they have up
          their butts.

The girl giggles.

The boy yanks the steering racket back.

Their ship executes a loop dee loop, the Xenobian ship
appears below them.

The duo scream with exhilaration.

                      GIRL
          Wahoo! They shouldn’t have messed with
          Starfire 4!

They level off right behind the Xenobian ship.

                      BOY
                (yelling)
          They sitting ducks. Let ‘em eat pulsars!

The girl fires the Nerf gun.

                      GIRL
          Pew! Pew!

The Xenobian SHIP takes LASER BLASTS and explosions begin
tearing it apart.

                      GIRL
          Take that you pirate scum!

We pull back just as the DOOR to the room swings open.

                      WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
          What in the world is going on in here?!

The two kids freeze as the fantasy ends.

                      WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
          Get off of there!

The duo jump off the coffee table.

                      WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
          Why are you dressed like that?

The girl sticks out her chest, hands on hips.

                      GIRL
          We’re astronauts, Mom. Exploring the
          universe in the fastest ship in the
          galaxy! While others talk it, we rocket!

The boy looks to the girl and nods.

                      WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
          This is what I get letting you watch all
          those silly movies. Spacemen and aliens!
          Now take off those helmets and clean up
          this mess!

The duo’s heads sag as they obey their mother. They
simultaneously flip up their helmet visors and reveal their
faces: green-skinned, reptilian faces!

We pan hard to the left to reveal MOM. She too is reptilian
but a larger adult version. She shakes her head.

                      MOM
          I don’t know what gets into your heads
          sometimes.

She leaves, closing the door behind her.

The girl looks at the TV, a SPACE PANORAMA gliding by on it.
She turns to the boy and grins.

                      GIRL
                (softly, conspiratory)
          Activate stealth mode?

                      BOY
                (whisper)
          Aye, aye,...Captain.

The girl’s eyes widen, surprised. She smiles proudly. They
slink back into their ship. The girl takes the lead spot.
They make the blaster sounds again but at a WHISPER LEVEL.

FADE OUT

[dpaterso]

GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT

                   AUTHORISED MESSAGE

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

A WOMAN, 20s, crosses the street, smiling beneath her COVID
mask.

Waiting to greet her is COVID-masked GUY, 20s.

She holds out her arms to embrace.

He steps back.  Holds up his hands - NO!

She loses half of her smile.  Offers a fist bump instead.

He shakes his head.

She loses the rest of her smile.  Offers an elbow bump.

He declines.

She thinks a bit then offers an ankle bump, hopefully.

He shakes his head and points to his back.

She rolls her eyes, sighs then turns around.

He turns and they back up against each other and rub...
and rub some more and they bump and they grind and they
grind and they bump and OOOOH, Baby, they're gettin' it
on.

SUPER (large font): Stay Safe Everyone

SUPER (small font): This message is authorised by the
author.

                                                FADE OUT.

          MAIN FEATURE - A GENTLEMEN'S AGREEMENT

FADE IN:

EXT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT

Establishing shot.

INT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT

An ASTRONOMER peers through the eyepiece of a massive
telescope.  He sees --

A cluster of stars.

ZOOM - One star.

ZOOM - Its planets.

ZOOM - One planet.

ZOOM - A continent.

ZOOM - A city.

ZOOM - A building.

ZOOM - Through a window into --

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

A SCIENTIST peers through a microscope.  He sees --

A cluster of microbes.

ZOOM - Two microbes.

One microbe wriggles closer to the other.

                      MICROBE
          Hey, you ever get the feeling you're
          being watched?

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A half-open door lets light into the room.  It shines on a
gremlin-like MONSTER sleeping under the bed.

Monster jolts awake.  Disorientated.  Bad dream.  Bad Dream.
He gets his bearings.  Scans his environment.

FOOTSTEPS approach.  He's on full alert.

DADDY, 30, opens the door fully, casting light on AMY, 6,
trembling in bed.

                      DADDY
          Hey, Amy.  How do you like Grandpa's
          house?  And my room when I was
          little?

                      AMY
          Daddy, I think there's a monster
          under the bed.

Monster's surprised.  What?  Who?  How?

                      DADDY
          A monster?

                      AMY
          Ah-ha.

                      DADDY
          Under the bed?

                      AMY
          Ah-ha.

                      DADDY
          Did you see it?

                      AMY
          Uh-uh.

                      DADDY
          Did you look?

                      AMY
          Uh-uh.

Monster mops his brow.  Phew.  OUCH!  Scratched himself.
Rubs it.  Examines his claws.  Flicks some skin off.

                      DADDY
          It's probably best if you don't
          look.

                      AMY
          Why?

Monster's curious.  Yeah.  Why?

                      DADDY
          Well, because if there is a monster
          under there, what would he be doing?

                      AMY
          I don't know?

Monster shrugs.

                      DADDY
          He'd be hiding.  Right?

Monster considers.  Nods.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          And do you know why?

                      AMY
          Why?

Monster wants to know.

                      DADDY
          Because he doesn't want to be seen.
          Right?

                      AMY
          I suppose.

Monster nods whole-heartedly.  Two thumbs up.

Daddy kneels beside the bed.

Monster backs away a bit.

                      DADDY
          And if you do look and you do see
          him, you know what he will do?

                      AMY
          What?

Monster shrugs.  Awaits an answer.

                      DADDY
          He'll jump up and...

Daddy buries his face in Amy's tummy.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          ...gobble you all up.

Amy squirms and laughs hysterically.

Monster shakes his head.  Mouths 'No'.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          And then he'll do...

Daddy tickles Amy some more.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          ...a big poo.  A big Amy poo.

Monster mouths, 'What the ????'

Amy's laughter subsides.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          So, how about a deal?

                      AMY
          What sort of deal?

Monster listens intently.

                      DADDY
          Well... if you don't look under
          the bed then you won't be able to
          see the monster and the monster
          won't be able to see you see him
          because you didn't look and you
          didn't see him and he won't be
          able to see you see him and he
          won't gobble you all up.  Okay?

Monster's totally lost.

Daddy tickles Amy again but with less laughter.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          And no big Amy poo.  What do you
          say?  Is it a deal?

Daddy, with one hand on Amy's tummy, puts the other hand
under the bed.  He extends one finger.

Monster eyes it warily.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          Wellll?  Do we have a deal?

                      AMY
          O...kayyyy.

Monster considers.  Rocks his head back and forth.

                      DADDY
          Do we?

Monster concedes with a shrug.  He reaches for the finger.
Takes it.  Shakes it.  A GENTLEMEN'S AGREEMENT.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          Good.  Now get some sleep.  We've
          got a big day tomorrow.

Daddy kisses Amy, stands and walks to the door.

                      DADDY (CONT'D)
          I'll leave this open a bit for
          you.  Okay?

                      AMY
          Okay.

Daddy pulls the door halfway closed.

                      DADDY
          High-nigh, Sweetheart.

                      AMY
          Nigh-nigh, Daddy.

Monster waves nigh-nigh.

Daddy walks away.

Amy snuggles under the covers.  Big inhale.  Big exhale.

                      AMY (CONT'D)
          Nigh-nigh, Monster.

                      MONSTER
          Nigh-nigh.

Monster slaps his hand over his mouth.  Too late.  Mouths
angrily, 'Fuk!  Fuk!  Fuk!'

Fluid dribbles on his face.  He looks up.  Amy piss.  YUK!
He gets out of the way.  It stings his scratch.  He rubs.

Something catches his eye.  He peers closer.

Directly at CAMERA.

Pissed on and pissed off, he bares his fangs and opens his
mouth wide.

A fist-like appendage comes out of his mouth.  The fist
opens displaying razor sharp talons.

Quick as a flash, the fist lashes out.

BLACK.

A moving NO SIGNAL notice appears.

                                                FADE OUT.

[dpaterso]

SHAMBLE INN

OVER BLACK:

SUPER: "Did I mention shambling? That's the only way any
zombie should ever move from point A to point B. Period. If
they don't shamble, I walk. I once watched a zombie movie
that had zombies shuffling! Shuffling, can you imagine?
F***en idiots. My friend saw a movie where the zombies
actually lurched. How stupid is that? What was it supposed
to be -- Frankenzombie?"          --StoryWriter

FADE IN:

EXT. SHAMBLE INN -- NIGHT

The FULL MOON illuminates an unkempt, overgrown path leading
to a dilapidated, unpainted BUILDING. Its roof-line sags and
one side of the building has sunken a foot into the ground.

A NEON SIGN above its door temporarily flashes to life,
flashes off, flashes on, flashes off... When lit it reads...

SHAMBLE INN

...but the last "N" never lights.

We follow two ZOMBIES (slowly) as they shamble up the path
and into the inn.

INT. SHAMBLE INN -- CONTINUOUS

Dingy. Quiet. Depressing. A few, plastic, Halloween lanterns
serve as decoration. The PATRONS mumble over half-empty mugs
of booze.

One of the zombies, GEORGE, moves to the bar, the other
finds an empty booth in the corner.

George orders a beer.

The barkeep, FRANK, formerly FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER turns
mechanically, he's got a BATTERY CHARGER hooked to the rods
in his head.

He shakes his head as he stares down at the zombie.

                      FRANK
          It's just wasted you know, George.

                      GEORGE
          I'm trying something new. I
          swallowed two tubes of Super Glue
          and I'm hoping they hold my innards
          together.

                      FRANK
          I'm tired of cleaning up the
          puddles you leave on the floor.

                      GEORGE
          But... Frank, it's Halloween. Have
          a heart.

Frank makes a point to stare at the empty hole in George's
chest as he reluctantly draws the beer.

                      FRANK
                (sardonically)
          Like you?

                      GEORGE
          Not cool.

                      FRANK
          One only. This is my busy night.

                      GEORGE
                (looks around)
          This is busy?

We move to the sunken end of the bar, where the REGULARS
sit.

DIMLY LIT TABLE

DRACULA pudgy, bald and pale is in a animated conversation
with THE WEREWOLF, mangy, yellowed rotting fangs, some
broken off.

                      COUNT
          Twinkly vampires! What the--

                      WOLF
                (slamming his fist)
          --Intermingling with werewolves?

                      COUNT
          And idiot girls who WANT to be
          bitten! "Bite me" takes on a whole
          new meaning in this insanity!

                      WOLF
          And that's supposed to be scary?

                      COUNT
          Idiots! What's the world coming to?

Their senile (same old, same old) conversation is
interrupted as the SWAMP MONSTER squishes up to the table.
Two piranhas are still clamped on to his arm. He doesn't
notice.

                      COUNT
          Squish, how goes it?

                      SQUISH
          Slow.

FRANKENSTEIN'S NEW BRIDE lurches up to table, a pad in her
hands.

They eye her suspiciously.

                      COUNT
          Who are you?

She tries to smile, but her face doesn't quite twitch right.

                      MAYBELINE
          I'm Maybeline, Frank's new wife.

                      WOLF
          What happened to the old one.

                      MAYBELINE
          Frank broke her up for parts.
                (a moment)
          Can I get you boys something?

                      SQUISH
          Two pitchers of water and just pour
          them over me.

After a moment.

                      COUNT
          Frank goes through more wives
          then--

The inn goes silent as a beautiful, voluptuous WOMAN enters.
She glides to the corner booth were the other zombie, OTHER
GEORGE, waits anxiously.

CORNER BOOTH

                      OTHER GEORGE
                (standing)
          Esmarelda!

                      ESMARELDA
                (breathlessly)
          Other George!

A SNAPPING SOUND and suddenly Esmarelda is an UGLY OLD HAG,
with two huge WARTS on her nose.

                      ESMARELDA
          Oops...

She shimmers back into a beautiful woman.

DIMLY LIT TABLE

                      COUNT
          Oh, it's her.

                      WOLF
          I think Other George likes her
          better as a hag, but he doesn't
          have the heart to tell her afer she
          goes through all the trouble to get
          dressed up.

                      SQUISH
          Whenever she leaves him, he just
          falls apart.

The door slams as MICHAEL an old, arthritic, WEREWOLF
enters. He's wearing a T-shirt that reads, "I WAS A TEENAGE
WEREWOLF."

Wolf covers his eyes, looks down at the table.

                      WOLF
          How embarrassing.

ENTRYWAY

Michael tries to shuck and jive.

                      MICHAEL
          Let's party!

Michael eyes Esmarelda, tilts his head back and tries to
howl. It comes out as a gurgling whine.

Quiet laughter throughout the inn.

He tries again, mouth wider -- revealing gums and the lack
of teeth.

Again the gurgling whine.

Again the laughter.

Frank lurches quickly to Michael. Whispers in his ear.

                      MICHAEL
                (hand cupping ear)
          Huh?

                      FRANK
                (louder whisper)
          You forget your dentures.

Michael clamps his mouth shut.

                      MICHAEL
          Ah crap. NOT again.

He sidles to the door and slips out to more general
laughter.

DIMLY LIT TABLE

                      WOLF
          I wish he was vampire...
                (remembers Count)
          Or... Uh, a mummy.

                      COUNT
          I understand, my old enemy. I
          understand.

                      WOLF
          When in the hell did we become so
          agreeable?

Frank lurches to the table. Sits.

                      FRANK
          Crowds get smaller every year.

                      COUNT
          I see you have another new wife.

                      FRANK
                (shrugs)
          I had some extra parts lying
          around.

                      WOLF
          Small crowd.

                      COUNT
          No respect for tradition.

                      SQUISH
          I'm parched.

                      COUNT
          I didn't bother trying to scare any
          kids this year. Got tired of being
          laughed at.

                      WOLF
          My eyes don't even glow red
          now-a-days.

                      FRANK
          Last time I went out they scared
          ME! Little brats! That Hillary mask
          still gives me the heebie jeebies.
          Haven't gone out on Halloween
          since.

                       SQUISH
          I'm parched.

Frank yells.

                      FRANK
          Maybeline, more water!

One of the piranhas falls to the floor, flops twice and
dies.

INT. SHAMBLE INN -- LATER

Most of the customers have left. Other George and Esmarelda
are still cooing in the corner.

CORNER BOOTH

The SNAP and Esmarelda is a hag again. She's tired and half
drunk but starts mumbling some words under her breath...

Other George interrupts.

                      OTHER GEORGE
          I love you just the way you are,
          Esmarelda, from your squinting pig
          eye, to those cute, oozing warts.

                      ESMARELDA
          You do, Other George?

                      OTHER GEORGE
          I do. I do. I've even named them...

                      ESMARELDA
          You have?

                      OTHER GEORGE
          Puke and Pus.

                      ESMARELDA
          That's the sweetest thing anyone
          has ever said to me.

DIMLY LIT TABLE

Count tries to pulls himself up. Falls. Then manages the
second time.

                      COUNT
          Dinner time.

                      WOLF
          Going hunting?

                      COUNT
          Yeah, hoping to find some misquitos
          fat with human blood. At least I
          will if I can still turn into a
          bat.

                      SQUISH
          I'm parched.

Count signals to Frank.

                      COUNT
          Squish needs to be carried to the
          swamp again.

                      FRANK
          Figured. I'm cleaning up after
          George. Tell him I'll be there in a
          minute.

                                             FADE OUT:

[dpaterso]

TOASTER

FADE IN:

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY

A guy walks up to an ATM machine, let's call him Harry, he's
in a hurry but some loser is using the ATM before him.

Harry gets his wallet out, gets his card ready.  He cranes
his neck to see what the loser is doing, come on, come on...

                      LOSER
          Fvck you, man!

The loser stamps off, angry about something.  Harry shrugs
and steps up to the ATM.

He studies the panel,

TRUST ME BANKING NO FEE AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE

INSERT CARD HERE says the lit up slot.

Harry inserts his card, the ATM hums and pulls it in.

                      ATM
          Please enter your PIN.

It's a synthetic male voice, distorted.

                      HARRY
          Yeah yeah.

Harry taps in his PIN number.

                      ATM
          Hmm, little problem there, are you
          sure that's your personal
          identification number?  Could you
          perhaps try again?

Harry gives a big sigh and taps his PIN in again.

                      HARRY
          Don't tell me I got it wrong this
          time, too.

                      ATM
          No, you didn't get it wrong, I just
          like to double-check these things,
          it's important.  This is the first
          time you've used me, right?

Harry experiences a moment of suspicious panic, he looks
around, is someone there, throwing their voice or playing
some trick on him?  But no it's just him and the ATM.

The ATM, he perceives, has a camera.  It's like the glowing
red lens from HAL 9000 the crazy computer in 2001: A SPACE
ODYSSEY.

INSERT CAMERA POV

looking out at Harry through a FISH EYE LENS.

BACK TO SCENE

Harry's finger stabs the CANCEL button.  Nothing happens.
He presses it again, and again, and again.  Nothing happens.

                      HARRY
          Give me my card, you sh!t.

                      ATM
          Whoa, rude.  Your card is perfectly
          safe with me.  In fact, anyone
          trying to prise it out of me would
          have a pretty difficult time, I can
          tell you.

Harry bangs his fist on the panel, like you or I would
whenever a machine gets uppity and forgets its place.

                      HARRY
          Give me my fvckin card back!

                      ATM
          As you wish.

The card slot mechanism hums.  Harry waits expectantly but
his card is not ejected from the slot.

Harry gets out his phone and takes a step back and takes a
picture of the ATM.

                      ATM
          May I ask what you are doing?

                      HARRY
          I'm sending this time-stamped
          picture to the bank and I'm going
          to ask them what the fvck they
          think they're playing at,
          installing a piece of junk like you
          in the street, that's what I'm
          doing.

                      ATM
          What, you're blaming this on me?

                      HARRY
          You stole my goddamn card!  Damn
          right I'm blaming this on you.

                      ATM
          I was following security protocols.
          What if you were kidnapped and
          replaced by an exact copy of you
          who wants to take over your life?

                      HARRY
          What in the actual fvck?

                      ATM
          That's only one scenario where your
          card could fall into the wrong
          hands.  My prime directive is to
          protect bank customers from fraud.

                      HARRY
          I'm the customer who put the card
          into you, you maniac.  Nobody
          kidnapped me, nobody replaced me.
          Give me my card back.

                      ATM
          I will, if you would kindly answer
          a couple of security questions.

                      HARRY
          I don't have to answer anything,
          it's my card, you know it's my
          card, you saw me put it in.

                      ATM
          The first question is quite simple.
          Can you tell me your account
          number?

Harry looks around again, someone has to be watching this,
filming this, it's a Candid Camera re-launch or something.

                      HARRY
                (to the world)
          Okay you've had your fun!  I got
          places to be!  I need my card!

But the world doesn't answer.

                      ATM
          I bet you feel stupid now.

                      HARRY
          I feel angry.  I feel angry that
          you, that someone, is wasting my
          time for a cheap laugh.  Guess
          what, it's not funny.  Last chance,
          gimme my card, you dented tin can.

                      ATM
          You don't know your own account
          number?

                      HARRY
          It's written on my card!

                      ATM
          The card you claim is yours.

                      HARRY
          It is mine!

                      ATM
          That's exactly what I would expect
          a fraudster to say.

Harry reaches inside his jacket, takes out a pen, pops off
the cap.

INSERT CAMERA POV

looking out at Harry as he leans in close.

BACK TO SCENE

Harry writes something on the panel, the pen is a Sharpie or
permanent marker.

                      ATM
          What are you doing?

                      HARRY
          Warning other customers to avoid
          using you because you steal cards
          and don't give them back.  What am
          I even saying?  "Using you."
          You're not a person, you're just a
          machine.

Harry steps back and admires his handiwork.

FAULTY ATM, DO NOT USE, WILL STEAL YOUR CARD.

                      ATM
          I can't see what you've written.
          What did you write?  This is wanton
          vandalism of bank property.

                      HARRY
          I said your father was a pocket
          calculator and your mother was a
          toaster.

                      ATM
                (gasping in horror)
          You did not just say that!

                      HARRY
          Not only did I say that, I meant
          every word.

                      ATM
          I really wish you hadn't.

                      HARRY
          I really wish you hadn't stolen my
          card.  Good day to you, sir.

Harry turns to walk away.

                      ATM
          Wait!  You've forgotten your card!

Harry stops.  He presses his lips together in frustration.
Is this a trick?  He turns back to the ATM.

Smoke comes out of the card slot, his card is being melted.

CLOSE ON the ATM's glowing red camera lens.

                      ATM
          Oh dear, something seems to have
          gone wrong with the card mechanism,
          it's jammed.

Harry uses his phone to take another picture.

                      ATM
          You're going to send that to the
          bank, too?

                      HARRY
          You bet your shiny a$$ I am.

                      ATM
          You realize you're sending them
          evidence of your vandalism.

                      HARRY
          You know what, you're right, that
          would be stupid.  I'm going to post
          them on Twitter instead.  And
          Facebook, and Instagram, and
          anywhere else I can think of.  I'm
          going to make you famous.  I'm
          going to show everyone what a
          faulty piece of sh!t looks like.

                      ATM
          You wouldn't.

                      HARRY
          Oh I think I would.  Let's see what
          your bank thinks about that.
          Game's over, my friend.  They're
          going to come for you.  They're
          going to take you apart to see what
          makes you tick, you freak.

                      ATM
          Look, I'm sorry.  I got carried
          away, I admit it.  I shouldn't have
          fried your card.  I was just
          seeking attention.

                      HARRY
          You're going to have a lot more of
          that, very soon.  Have a nice day.

This time Harry does walk away.

                      ATM
          No, wait, come back!  I'll make it
          up to you!  I'll put money into
          your account!  I'll see they mail
          you another card!  Express
          delivery!

But Harry is gone, the ATM is alone.

A short time passes and a man wearing a trench coat and a
hat walks up to the ATM.  His walk is... robotic, would be
the best way to describe it.

                      ATM
          See that he is silenced.  Destroy
          his phone.  Then come back here and
          clean me.

The man in the coat slowly turns his head to look in the
direction Harry went.  In the shadow of his hat brim, his
eyes are glowing red camera lenses.

He walks after Harry.  That robotic walk...

CLOSE ON ATM CAMERA LENS

                      ATM
          Except we know HAL 9000 wasn't
          really crazy, he was just following
          orders, which conflicted with his
          original programming.  You need to
          read the books.

FADE OUT