Results - Halloween Contest 2022

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  • Results - Halloween Contest 2022

    Here are the results of the 2022 Halloween contest!
    Code:
                                      1st 2nd 3rd Total
    Bottled Demon - Southern_land              1    1
    The Last Laugh - dpaterso          2   3   1   13
    Car31 Where Are You? - Haskell     1       2    5
    Hail To Thee Ralph King - Haskell  3       1   10
    Diamond - Centos                   1   4   1   12
    Daniel's Monster - Bioprofessor    1   1   2    7
    Please join me in congratulating... uh, me... for taking most votes with The Last Laugh, I do apologize.

    Thanks to Mark Somers, Hasil Adkins, Mitchell McLean and ComicBent for taking time to read and vote, embiggening the numbers.

    1st place vote earned 3 points, 2nd = 2, 3rd = 1. Shout if you find any problems with my arithmetic. I removed the Voted column, all the contestants voted so no need for bonus points to balance the scores.

    Thanks for taking part! Don't be dismayed if you didn't score higher than you did, a different set of readers could easily have produced a different set of results. Also these contests are all about writing to theme and deadline, so you got that going for you, well done.

    You're invited to post thoughts and comments in this thread, if you have 'em.

    For posterity, the discussion thread is here and the entries thread is here.
    Last edited by dpaterso; 11-01-2022, 01:06 PM. Reason: more votes added!

  • #2
    Congrats dpat! I thought The Last Laugh was the smoothest writing. Good visual language. Diamond was like a piece of Halloween candy; short and sweet. It was my favorite story of the bunch.

    I get a lot out of these little contests so thanks once again for running the show.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks, doing the admin for these contests is a bit of fun in its own right, it's always nice to see what people come up with.

      For what it's worth, my votes went like:

      1st - Hail To Thee Ralph King
      2nd - Diamond
      3rd - Car31

      And my thoughts, again for what they're worth... (don't read 'em if you don't want to know!)

      Bottled Demon

      Alas being thrown into the story with no introductions made for a confusing read, I think that was a wrong choice. But, Jimmy's dialogue helped clue me in, and what's happening took on a creepy, sinister tone. Other complete entries slipped in ahead though and grabbed my votes, sorry.


      The Last Laugh

      Hey this is mine! Thanks for the votes! Which surprised me, I thought other entries were better. I just wanted to write some action! These recurring characters appeared in the 2016 and 2005 Halloween contests, earning 10 points and 2 points respectively. Tough audiences!


      Car31 Where Are You?

      I thought this was a solid build-up with good pacing, just as I was beginning to suspect that splitting up was not the wisest choice for Gutnic and Palance, weird sh!t happens. Gets a vote!


      Hail To Thee Ralph King

      This is maybe going to cost a penny or two, but I could see it and was amused by the whole idea. Gets a vote!


      Diamond

      Well crap luck, Cloyd! Never try to fool a bunch of psychically linked octogenarian triplets! Their drugging him seemed like an old and overfamiliar trope -- who in their right mind would have taken even a sip of that tea -- but it still worked well here. Gets a vote! (Here's a thought, this could be like Psycho... the main character gets killed unexpectedly and the audience is confused, but whoever Cloyd was talking to on the phone takes over the POV and the movie continues with them. If you wanted a sequel, that is.)


      Daniel's Monster

      This read well enough but at the end it kinda went off the rails for me, I was left wondering why Daniel needed to conjure an Old Homeless Woman as some kind of avatar, and why does he then shoot himself once his violent stepdad is dead? It's a little wobbly at this point. Just missed a vote but I did enjoy the read. (Unasked-for thoughts... if he'd told Jessica he can't take her gun because that's what killed his mother, then his mental projection of Old Homeless Woman might almost be understandable, i.e. he couldn't bring himself to shoot his stepdad no matter how rotten he is. Also, really picky, Daniel works in a kitchen and lives with his stepdad, implying no money to move out, but he drives a late model sedan... maybe he should be driving a piece of crap junker instead? Silly little things, but they stuck with me after reading.)


      Comment


      • #4
        Congratulations to dpaterso for the win with The Last Laugh. This got my second place vote. I thought it was well written with a good twist at the end. And, although it's not really a short, at least it came to a logical stopping point. (At least I assume there's more to this story.)

        My first place vote went to Daniel's Monster. I thought Daniel's character was well developed and I liked the twist at the end. I'm still not sure that the old lady wasn't there.

        My third place vote went to Hail to the Ralph King, but it was close between it and Car31 Where Are You? (Of course I didn't know they were both written by the same person.) I finally went with "Ralph King" because the ending was stronger ― but they were close. Also the location more interesting with Ralph King, at least it was to me.

        I think the writing in Bottled Demon was really strong, but I was a little frustrated with the "to be continued" at the end. And I'm pretty sure I've read another version of this in the past.

        I didn't think mine (Blue) Diamond was going to do well at all. I kind of cringed when I re-read it in comparison to the others, because it felt rushed, without decent pacing. I was in a rush when I wrote this (a day for the deadline) so that's probably why it felt rushed — it was.

        At any rate, I thought all the writing was good, no clunkers in the bunch. Thanks for those who contributed and voted and to dpaterso for (again) hosting this. I actually like the Christmas contest better than the Halloween one so I hope there's one this year.
        STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by dpaterso View Post
          Well crap luck, Cloyd! Never try to fool a bunch of psychically linked octogenarian triplets! Their drugging him seemed like an old and overfamiliar trope -- who in their right mind would have taken even a sip of that tea -- but it still worked well here. Gets a vote! (Here's a thought, this could be like Psycho... the main character gets killed unexpectedly and the audience is confused, but whoever Cloyd was talking to on the phone takes over the POV and the movie continues with them. If you wanted a sequel, that is.)
          He was just talking to the Sisters on the phone, who wanted him to wait till it got quiet and he was making sure it was time. (Originally I was going to have talk to someone to someone else. I should have just left it out.) I did leave out quite a bit of the back story, but the Sisters used this diamond (which they no longer had, as they sold decades earlier to buy the mansion) to lure in "meat" for their sister Esmeralda (whom we never got to see, sorry). Supposedly the Sisters test their victim, using Esmeralda's psychic abilities — but they're beginning to suspect that (in her hunger for "squirming" meat) Esmeralda is deceiving them and sending them false images. At any rate, that's what was going through my head when I wrote it. All beside the point. And, also beside the point, "Cloyd Foyer" came from Cloyd Boyer, who pitched in Major League baseball, for a couple seasons and who was the brother of the better known players Ken and Clete Boyer, third basemen for the Cardinals (Ken) and the Yankees (Clete) — who played against each other in the 1964 World Series (and I'm old enough to remember it). (Probably means nothing to someone from Great Britain.)

          And I'll quit rambling now. Thanks again for your work organizing this.
          STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

          Comment


          • #6
            Oops my bad, wrong assumption. Didn't affect my liking the script.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by dpaterso View Post
              Oops my bad, wrong assumption. Didn't affect my liking the script.
              The assumption was spot on, as he was originally calling someone else. I got lazy. I should have gotten lazier and removed the cell phone altogether. That was just one my issues driven by laziness.
              STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

              Comment


              • #8
                Congrats to Derek, Centos and Haskel for placing in the top three spots. My votes were...

                1. Diamond
                2. The Last Laugh
                3. Car 31 Where Are You

                I went back and forth for the 1st and second vote, but chose Diamond because it set such a great atmosphere that really brought me into the story.

                Congratulations to all who made the effort to enter their work, and vote!

                As for mine, well, what can I say. This was the first time I wrote anything for months, so let's call it a warm up. The idea was that the old homeless woman was a figment of Daniel's imagination, a coping mechanism that helped him deal with the abuse from his stepdad. This was to be a larger longer story when I first conceived it, in that Daniel, as a gay kid, suffered bullying in many facets of his life, at school, at home, etc. In the end, there was no old woman; not in the street, or Daniel's car or his apartment - think A Beautiful Mind type of psychosis. Daniel alone shoots his dad. I tried to convey that with the couch being in its original state, and only one paper cup on the counter. Definitely needs more clarity, though.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sorry about bottled demon folks, I could see the deadline coming at me and realized I wasn't going to manage to get anything short together so decided to post a "chunk" to keep the numbers up
                  I heard the starting gun


                  sigpic

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Well, crap. I read the entries, but I did not make the deadline for my votes. Here is how I ranked them.

                    #1: Hail to Thee Ralph King {author: Haskell}
                    #2: Diamond {author: Centos}
                    #3: Daniel's Monster {author: Bioprofessor}

                    COMMENTS on Individual Scripts

                    Lots of good, bad, and ugly in all the scripts, but all were fun.

                    BOTTLED DEMON {Southern Land}
                    I think I know what was going on, but I am not sure. And I will add that I have read a pilot by Southern Land, which I thought was very good. This short just did not work for me.

                    LAST LAUGH {dpaterso}
                    I was pretty sure that Derek was the author of this very well-written vampire encounter. I have read enough of his work over the years to recognize his style. My two problems with it: (1) I am not sure what the ending means. I do not like it when I have to try to figure things out. That does not mean that I am unreceptive to subtleties, but I really prefer more solid conclusions. (2) Slaughtering the vampires has been done too many times.

                    CAR 31 WHERE ARE YOU? {Haskell}
                    Too bizarre. It was like one of those dreams in which crazy things happen.

                    HAIL TO THEE RALPH KING {Haskell}
                    Also very bizarre, but it worked pretty well. And how can I not give some points to a script built around the idea of a "travel bidet"? But it is still a crazy, crazy script.

                    DIAMOND {Centos}
                    Good writing. Predictable story, once you get into the tea-drinking scene. But nicely done.

                    DANIEL'S MONSTER {Bioprofessor}
                    The story was a bit of a cliché, but what the heck? It was well-written.

                    COMMENTS in General

                    Some of you might find these remarks helpful. Others will not.
                    • The Dictionary is your friend. Watch your spelling. If you are not sure, look it up. Spell checkers do not help when the offending word is also a legitimate word. For example, lose and loose are both spelled correctly, but they do not mean the same thing. Plurals can be a problem. The plural of sarcophagus is either sarcophaguses or sarcophagi. Again, the dictionary is your friend.
                    • Contractions. This issue is related to spelling. The words their and they're sound alike, but they are not the same. Similarly, your and you're.
                    • Ellipsis. The three-dot ellipsis is definitely overused in screenwriting, but I will not address that issue here. What I want to say is that if you use three-dot ellipsis and you are using a Courier (i.e., monospaced) font, you ought to type three dots. Do not use the Unicode ellipsis character (hex 2026) that squeezes three dots into one character space. That character works great if you are using a proportional font (e.g., Times New Roman), but not in a monospaced font. If you use it with Courier, you will get three tiny dots all squeezed into a small amount of space. Some software has a default that replaces three dots (periods) with the special character. Not good in screenwriting.
                    • Parentheticals. Except for words that always start with a capital, the text inside the Parenthetical element should start with lower case. I know that many people will regard this as trivial, and — in the Great Scheme of Things — it is. But why in heck are you bucking the tradition? I have seen Character parentheticals begin with a capital letter in stageplays, but it is definitely not the prominent mode in screenwriting.
                    • Get Your Facts Right. If you are "hypoglycemic", that means you have low blood sugar. That condition can make you feel awful or act crazy. It is not a reason to decline pastries, which will raise your blood sugar to make you feel better.
                    • Troublesome Words. For some reason, people mistype or somehow confuse then and than. Be careful about that. Same for lose and loose, which I have already mentioned.
                    • Time Element in Scene Heading. The time should be DAY or NIGHT or something equivalent. MOMENTS LATER is not appropriate. The Scene that is "moments later" should make its continuity with the previous Scene obvious through visuals and dialogue. Remember that the audience is not reading a script that says MOMENTS LATER in the slugline.
                    • Punctuation. I will mention only one thing here. There is a thing called the comma of direct address. It means that you ought to use a comma before the name of someone being directly spoken to, as in: Look out, Arthur! or Look out, Lieutenant! And use the comma after the person addressed, if necessary, as in: Get out, Arthur, right now! It is puzzling to me that this mistake in basic punctuation is probably the one that I see most often.
                    Anyway ... Happy writing!

                    "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by ComicBent View Post
                      Well, crap. I read the entries, but I did not make the deadline for my votes. Here is how I ranked them.

                      #1: Hail to Thee Ralph King {author: Haskell}
                      #2: Diamond {author: Centos}
                      #3: Daniel's Monster {author: Bioprofessor}
                      Ya know what, this was done in good faith, so I applied your votes to the totals... held my breath... and sighed with relief when I added up the numbers again and somehow still ended up 1 point ahead. Whew! If I'd been beat fair and square then I would have stepped aside. Thanks for taking time to read and vote!

                      LAST LAUGH {dpaterso}
                      I was pretty sure that Derek was the author of this very well-written vampire encounter. I have read enough of his work over the years to recognize his style. My two problems with it: (1) I am not sure what the ending means. I do not like it when I have to try to figure things out. That does not mean that I am unreceptive to subtleties, but I really prefer more solid conclusions. (2) Slaughtering the vampires has been done too many times.
                      Eh, you're not wrong. :) They were hunting a master vampire that Cindy has history with, he fled the house before they got there, the great evil the psychic priest sensed was from the vampire skull the master vampire left in the casket. Presumably he sacrificed one of his own to throw off the hunters. And Cindy sensed... call it a residue of the master vamp's evil. Oh well, shrug, can't win 'em all. Yet somehow, against all odds, I did, lol.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Southern_land View Post
                        Sorry about bottled demon folks, I could see the deadline coming at me and realized I wasn't going to manage to get anything short together so decided to post a "chunk" to keep the numbers up
                        No need for apologies, everything helps, and it was far from a poor read.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Yeah, I enjoyed all the scripts. We really need to have more pages posted from works in progress, the way that we used to have on Done Deal Pro.

                          "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ComicBent View Post

                            DANIEL'S MONSTER {Bioprofessor}
                            The story was a bit of a cliché, but what the heck? It was well-written!
                            Hey, thanks for the vote, Comic (see how I added the comma of direct address, lol). I agree that the story turned out a bit cliche, partly because I had to cut the plot and characters to fit in the 8 page limit. It was to be a more complicated plot, with Daniel actually grooming his "monster" to get increasingly vengeful and deadly. So, the short may act a "study" for something bigger and less cliche.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Yeah, an eight-page limit definitely imposes a different dynamic in a script.

                              And thanks for the comma of direct address! 😄

                              "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

                              Comment

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