Daddy's Dead

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  • Daddy's Dead

    Hi kids, I'm posting a short story entitled Daddy's Dead. It has been published. All I'd like to know is will it make a good story for a short film?
    Thaks in advance.

    Jerry
    Daddy's Dead

    Moonlight trickled into the Jamison's upstairs bedroom. Joe lay on his side of the wide bed, his back facing his wife Alicia.

    "Joey. Oh Joey. Wake up. I need to talk to you," a man's voice said.

    "No," Joe told the voice. "Leave me alone. " Why is he bothering me?

    "Come on Joey," the voice said. "I need to talk to you."

    "It's too early."

    "Aw Joey, it ain't never to early to chat."

    "I said, no. Leave me alone." No chance in that.

    "Joe, who are you talking to?" Alicia asked without opening her eyes.

    "My dad."

    "Your daddy is dead."

    "I know that, but apparently he doesn't seem to know that."

    "Did you take your medication before you went to sleep?"

    "Yes, dear." He sat up and swung his legs over the bed and placed his feet on the carpet.

    "Getting up so soon?" She couldn't believe her husband would get out of bed before he had to.

    "Might as well," Joe rose and stretched, "Can't get back to sleep." He yawned and glanced at the red numbers on the digital clock that was on the bedside table. "I hate beatin' the alarm."

    "I know the feeling. Are you going to the gas station to take over Kerry's shift?"

    "I might do some writing before I go," Joe said as he ambled to the door. Joe didn't bother to get dressed. Sporting his shorts would be enough for now.

    "You going to school today?"

    "Nope. School's closed because of that mold problem."

    "Oh yeah. I used to wish my school would close."

    He stepped out of the room and in a slow pace headed for the stairs.

    After selling four novels that became best sellers it wasn't necessary for him to work and he was now retired from the meat-cutting factory. He had purchased the house he and Alicia had lived in since they married ten years ago. But, Joe felt that he had to keep busy so he bought the gas station and general store when they became available and hired his nephew, Kerry to help out. They kept him busy when he wasn't writing.

    When he reached the living room Joe noticed the door to his den was ajar. He remembered closing it himself. Alicia respected his privacy and would never enter the room without telling him.

    He peeked into his den. Only one light was on in the room. It came from his laptop on the desk.

    "Morning Joey," the man's voice said. "Come on in."

    "Not now," Joe told the voice with a sigh.

    The aroma of coffee coming from the kitchen filled his nostrils and his eyes widened at the sight of the coffee maker. Coffee was pouring into the glass carafe. At first he thought Alicia had gotten up early to go to the bathroom and turned on the coffee pot. Now, he realized she hadn't gotten out of bed.

    This is too weird, he thought.

    He felt an icy chill as he walked across the tiled floor and took a clean mug from the dish drainer. After filling the mug he took a sip. The hot liquid felt good. His legs were shaky as he walked back to the doorway of his den.

    "Come on in Joey," the voice said, "and have a seat."

    Joe stepped into he room. The mug shook as he moved closer to the desk.

    "Aw, Joey, don't be scared," the voice said as he stopped in front of the desk. "It's only me."

    "That's why I'm scared," Joe told the voice. "You're dead or supposed to be."

    "If I were really dead I doubt I'd be talking to you."

    "How the hell should I know?" He moved to the other side of the desk facing the laptop. The main menu was on the screen.

    "Now sit down and don't make me have to tell ya again."

    The chair made the move itself and faced him. Coffee spilled on his hand when he jumped away.

    "Do it, Joey."

    He was too afraid not to obey.

    "Now what's so blasted important, Daddy?"

    "I've been keeping an eye on ya," the voice said. "See?" A large red eye with a slit pupil appeared on the screen. "Hee hee."

    "That wasn't funny."

    "Was to me."

    "You always had a sick sense of humor."

    "At least I'm not boring." His dad always used to make sick jokes.

    "So what do you want to talk to me about?" Joe said.

    "About my being lonely over here."

    "So?"

    "So I want you to join me to keep me company."

    "No thanks," Joe said. "I'm doing just fine."

    "Aw, come on son," the voice said. "Join me. I'm lonely."

    "No thanks." Joe told the voice. "Besides it isn't my time."

    "Aw, dammit, son," the voice said. "Then I'll make it your time."

    "No way."

    "I'll do it anyway."

    A sharp pain soared through Joe's chest. The mug fell to the floor. Coffee stained the carpet.

    He grabbed his left arm and gasped for air.

    His heart stopped beating and his head crashed on the laptop's keyboard.

    Two skeleton hands appeared on the monitor, reached for Joe's broad shoulders and pulled his lifeless body inside.

    The door to the den slammed shut and locked.

    "Glad you're here, son," the voice said as the laptop shut down.

    The End
    Last edited by JerryR9244; 03-08-2006, 07:14 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Daddy's Dead

    OK, maybe it's wrong of me to say this, but if you can't be bothered to adapt your story into a script, I can't be bothered to take time to give any kind of detailed assessment. A quickie skim-read with one eye closed suggests it's talking heads, flat exposition, low drama, minimal action, and a staggeringly silly tomato surprise -- not even enough for a Twilight Zone ep. Heck, maybe that's the answer you were looking for. Good luck with it anyways.

    -Derek
    My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.
    The practice of art isn't to make a living. It's to make your soul grow. ~The Complete Handbook of Novel Writing (Kurt Vonnegut)

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Daddy's Dead

      Sorry my friend, but I'm going to assume Derek's (dpaterso) self-proclaimed bitchiness mantle from another thread and say...

      HOW THE HELL 'HAS YOU BEEN' PUBLISHED?

      I think what you mean is someone agreed to post one of youur stories on their website...or perhaps you won some junior competition as a kid...or maybe it's a childrens short story magazine.

      I used to belong to one of those short story sites a long time ago. When I was first deciding wether to continue striving at a career in animation or persue a writing career. Almost everything I read on a daily basis was better than this.

      It's to 'On the Nose' dialogue even for novel writing. The characters talk like they're reading it off the most boring script ever written. Daddy's dead is a terrible title. Joe is as one dimensional as characters get. I felt no age or wisdom in his father's voice. It seemed like one of his peers. Your asides to past events and character's thoughts are abysmal. Case in point...

      "At least I'm not boring." His dad always used to make sick jokes.
      There's a thing in script writing called exposition. I think this could well be the novel version of it. Give us something more. Use your imagination. Tell us something more about the character.

      "At least I'm not boring." His dad quipped.

      Boring? No, he was anything, but that. Quite aside from his incessant sick jokes during his life, the epitaph he had requested in death, and the subsequent furor of the funeral, still sent cold shivers down Joe's spine.

      Not great. I've just woken up, but you get the idea. You are telling us as the writer he used to make sick jokes. I want to hear it from Joe.

      I think maybe the reason for my venom is two-fold. First of all I just woke up. Second of all you posted this in the wrong place.However much you try and justify this as a script writing related question, it still smacks to me of someone trying to inflict ( and I mean that term in it's literal sense) their story on everyone they can. So you'll get your answer accordingly...

      Should you convert this to a short screenplay. Answer? No!

      The characters are cr£p. The story is Cr£p, cliched and boring. The dialogue is at least believable.....but cr£p.

      And if you are a published writer, then I'm the reincarnation of Charles Pissin' Dickens living in the lap of luxury in a mansion house in the yorkshire dales.

      What's that Jives? Another martini? Don't mind if I do. And this time don't forget the olive. Otherwise you'll be beaten with the special stick again.

      Honestly you just can't get the help. Back to work.

      Now where was I. Ah, yes. 'You might just be an undigested bit of asparagas....no no.......mutton.......'

      THE END

      (I was been published I has)







      ........okay just to end on a good note (I'm not an ogre), Ring of Darkness pages were much better than this. I'd stick with script writing if I were you. I don't think you have the novelist touch.....hmm okay that was kind of a good note.
      Last edited by Harbinger; 03-08-2006, 06:42 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Daddy's Dead

        Hi, Jerry.

        I see this as the film version of your story: Daddy is the invisible man who moves a chair. Joey wakes up, walks down the stairs, notices the den door open, sniffs the air, walks inside the den and is swallowed by his computer.

        Try to see this strictly visually and ask yourself if you would wanna see it.

        Just my thoughts.

        Good luck,

        Corona
        I love you, Reyna . . .

        Brown-Balled by the Hollywood Clika

        Latino Heart Project's MEXICAN HEART...ATTACK!
        I ain't no punk b1tch...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Daddy's Dead

          Originally posted by Harbinger
          HOW THE HELL 'HAS YOU BEEN' PUBLISHED?
          I love you
          Ever thus to deadbeats.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Daddy's Dead

            Originally posted by Harbinger
            Sorry my friend, but I'm going to assume Derek's (dpaterso) self-proclaimed bitchiness mantle from another thread and say...

            HOW THE HELL 'HAS YOU BEEN' PUBLISHED?

            I think what you mean is someone agreed to post one of youur stories on their website...or perhaps you won some junior competition as a kid...or maybe it's a childrens short story magazine.

            I used to belong to one of those short story sites a long time ago. When I was first deciding wether to continue striving at a career in animation or persue a writing career. Almost everything I read on a daily basis was better than this.

            It's to 'On the Nose' dialogue even for novel writing. The characters talk like they're reading it off the most boring script ever written. Daddy's dead is a terrible title. Joe is as one dimensional as characters get. I felt no age or wisdom in his father's voice. It seemed like one of his peers. Your asides to past events and character's thoughts are abysmal. Case in point...



            There's a thing in script writing called exposition. I think this could well be the novel version of it. Give us something more. Use your imagination. Tell us something more about the character.

            "At least I'm not boring." His dad quipped.

            Boring? No, he was anything, but that. Quite aside from his incessant sick jokes during his life, the epitaph he had requested in death, and the subsequent furor of the funeral, still sent cold shivers down Joe's spine.

            Not great. I've just woken up, but you get the idea. You are telling us as the writer he used to make sick jokes. I want to hear it from Joe.

            I think maybe the reason for my venom is two-fold. First of all I just woke up. Second of all you posted this in the wrong place.However much you try and justify this as a script writing related question, it still smacks to me of someone trying to inflict ( and I mean that term in it's literal sense) their story on everyone they can. So you'll get your answer accordingly...

            Should you convert this to a short screenplay. Answer? No!

            The characters are cr£p. The story is Cr£p, cliched and boring. The dialogue is at least believable.....but cr£p.

            And if you are a published writer, then I'm the reincarnation of Charles Pissin' Dickens living in the lap of luxury in a mansion house in the yorkshire dales.

            What's that Jives? Another martini? Don't mind if I do. And this time don't forget the olive. Otherwise you'll be beaten with the special stick again.

            Honestly you just can't get the help. Back to work.

            Now where was I. Ah, yes. 'You might just be an undigested bit of asparagas....no no.......mutton.......'

            THE END

            (I was been published I has)






            ........okay just to end on a good note (I'm not an ogre), Ring of Darkness pages were much better than this. I'd stick with script writing if I were you. I don't think you have the novelist touch.....hmm okay that was kind of a good note.

            Ok. I was supposed to be 'It'.

            Thanks for the good comment on ROD.

            When we post our stuff here we are looking for constructive criticism. Even when a post is bad it deserves constructive crits. If someone can't find anything good to say about a post then don't bother to waist time saying anything. Being rude doesn't get one anywhere and that just shows others what type of thing one is.

            Do you write screenplays? Have any gotten produced?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Daddy's Dead

              Hi Jerry,

              You may be looking for constructive criticism only, but Harbinger's post can still give constructive information for you:

              1. Way too much exposition.
              2. Poor title
              3. Similar 'voices' to characters despite the fact they are meant to be quite different

              etc

              There is also some very useful info you can get from his post - some people (myself included) find it very annoying when people talk about stories being 'published' when they have simply posted it on a website, or payed for a vanity publisher.

              It really is a big turn-off. Sorry, but you should be aware that others may react the same way.

              Seriously - the story wasn't of the same quality as I'm used to seeing - stuff that most people would call 'published'. (eg: Analog Magazine, perhaps, for this style of story)

              You might want to look at fixing the POV problems, and adding some feeling of mystery. As it is - there is no mystery or drama. We know in the first few lines that he is talking to his dead father. We know immediately when we read it who filled the coffee pot. No mystery. No drama.

              The consensus seems to be that this is a terrible story for a short film - at least without some major fixes.

              Sorry to be the 4th bearer of bad tidings.

              Good luck - and you might get a better response on a 'script pages' forum if you actually post script pages next time !

              Mac
              New blogposts:
              *Followup - Seeking Investors in all the wrong places
              *Preselling your film - Learning from the Experts
              *Getting your indie film onto iTunes
              *Case Study - Estimating Film profits

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              • #8
                Re: Daddy's Dead

                First of all thanks to Mac for a little clarification.

                Secondly Jerry, I'm glad you used the word rude. IT suggests you have the back bone required in the business. Had you said 'Cruel', my guilt glands (ewww) would have kicked in. Rude is at least a stout response.

                Let me clarify. I hate the cruel to be kind method of critique. I don't mince words, but I don't think it's necessary to tear someone down in order to prepare them for some hypothetical producer with a chip on their shoulder. If you read all the other critiques on script pages I've ever written they are both helpfull (hopefully) and respectful.

                The key word here is 'Script pages'. Derek summed it up well. It's a short story. It would have taken a night to transfer to script form. You have the spine of the thing there. If you don't have the time to convert it to script format on a SCRIPT based website, why should anyone take the time to read it.

                My interest in short stories however peaked my interest, so I read on. I knew from your Ring of Darkness pages that you have a good grasp of writing, which influenced my reaction to this story.

                It was Cr£p. You're not, but IT is and I don't see anything cruel in saying so. Were it that you didn't have the capability to do better, it could be considered cruel, but thats not the case and I knew that from past threads.

                As Mac pointed out, even in my venomous diatribe (which it really wasn't) I still added elements of what someone might consider constructive criticism, although frankly the best constructive criticism I could give you is to scrap this entirely.

                Let me further clarify.

                Your story is Man wakes up. Man walks to other room. Man talks to invisible (dead) dad. Man is pulled into Laptop (!?) screen.

                The visual, in movie form, is dull, so your dialogue better be damn entertaining. It isn't.

                A fair bulk of your story is reference to past history and unseen characters (not meaning the father). How are you to convey this in script form? Flashbacks? Voice overs? photographs? The meat of this fictional world is conveyed by you, the writer/narrator, not the actions which would actually be seen on screen.

                Your characters are dull, lifeless (no pun intended) and all speak the same language. None of them act like human beings. His wife says 'Your daddy is dead.' Way to sugar coat it Darling. Joe shows no sorrow. No sadness. In fact not the merest hint of human emotion.

                Finally the story is just plain bad. It's up there with 'You can't have been talking to that little girl. She's been dead for Thirty years!' Dun Dun Dunnn.
                Couple that with the idea that his father effectively killed his son.... because he was lonely? This is the possible start to a full length feature (albeit written badly) but it's not a short. It's a set up for some bigger pay off and since that's not the case, it's boring and pointless.

                I'm not even sure what you're trying to say. I think the 'Sick joke' reference is to forshadow his dad's eventual action, but there's a world of difference between sick jokes and killing your son.

                You say Joe's on medication. Here's a better idea (marginally).

                JOe is dying. It's his time to go. His father comes to claim him. You mention his father's penchant for sick jokes. Go into it in detail. Make it the link between them both. Then end with...

                'It's your time, Joseph.'

                'Time for what.'

                'I think you know. When did the pills stop working?'

                Joe hangs his head. He stares down at his mug of coffee. The brown soupy liquid begins to slowly swirl.

                'No not now.' Joe pleaded, as the world around him began eddy and spin out of control. 'I know what this is. It's just another of your sick jokes.'

                'NOt this time, son. Those days are over.'

                Two skeletal hands, formed of vapour, reach from the Laptop screen.

                'As, I'm afraid, are yours.'

                Etc. Etc.

                Not exactly what I meant, but you get the idea. There's a feeling of remorse here. the father's actions aren't selfish. He's there to escort his son who's already dying. In life Joe and his father were never close, so in death his father wanted to rectify things by being the one to show him the way.

                oh and the hands reach out and pull his SOUL into the screen. Joe's lifeless body collapses to the ground. The visual you have just looks absurd. Like a adult rated Warner Brothers cartoon. His body would have to be skewed into spagehetti like a man caught between two black holes.

                Anyway bare in mind, although I've given this my own slant, I still say this is a non-story and a non-event, but if you wish to persue it, at least make it as interesting as possible.

                This isn't!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Daddy's Dead

                  Okay, okay.

                  "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

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