Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

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  • #31
    Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

    Sample 1: Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Starts off well though. Feels like a skit more than anything else.

    Sample 2: Not the strongest scene to open with. Predictable. Throw us in that last fifteen minutes and maybe you'd have something.

    Sample 3: Best written of the three. Liked the descriptions. Characters could have sounded more distinct. Far from perfect, but I'd like to see where it goes.
    "I was dreamin' when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray." - Prince

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    • #32
      Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

      Joe: Fine job, as always. I'd watch this movie, but hell if I can find the logline in these pages.

      ReneC: I like the idea of them doing their safe little routine stuff in some other comfy part of the world and waking up on a beach in Alaska. Nice.

      anxt: This was interesting enough to keep reading. It reminded me of The Edge.

      Karma: Very good set up for the logline. I wish we could see the dinner party scene.

      I wrote sample 3. I imagined it as a dark ensemble piece where people do a lot of unsavory and pathetic things. Colleen isn't just doing Adam, she's doing her boss, the logging company owner. Adam is impulsive and immature, but thinks he's higher minded. Nino thinks he's the maestro and mastermind, but it's actually June of the Church of Euthanasia, who's orchestrated this chain of events and soon they'll begin killing themselves and each other.

      Thanks for the thoughts and reactions, good and bad. The writing of the idea above (especially the last two pages) was totally rushed and the criticisms were spot on. During the process, I kept thinking - I just know mine will be the FOURTH one Joe receives - which is probably why I wrote this one faster than any of the other challenges.

      This was a great idea, Joe. I hope you'll do it again, so I can enjoy it from the sidelines!
      Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

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      • #33
        Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

        I don' know what you guys are talking about. I thought number 1 was super duper awesome sauce.
        Chicks Who Script podcast

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        • #34
          Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

          sarab -

          I guessed right that #3 was yours. I recognized your "voice". You have a smooth, competent style with interesting little flairs of description.

          I like the sound of the whole concept you had for the rest of the story.
          "The Hollywood film business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." Hunter S Thompson

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          • #35
            Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

            Thank you, cshel!

            I really liked the concept, too. Too bad it won't be going anywhere.
            Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

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            • #36
              Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

              i need to get back into this... i'm getting bored of other places where i procrastinate.

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              • #37
                Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

                Originally posted by Hamboogul View Post
                i need to get back into this... i'm getting bored of other places where i procrastinate.
                You can only look at so much porn, Hammy. Take a break.

                Sarajb, I also like your concept and you know I liked your pages. Good stuff
                Vancouver Screenwriters Meetup Group

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                • #38
                  Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

                  Originally posted by ReneC View Post
                  You can only look at so much porn, Hammy. Take a break.
                  You think he's been procastibating?

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                  • #39
                    Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

                    Originally posted by Archduke View Post
                    You think he's been procastibating?
                    I want to use that line. Think it's too racy for cable?
                    Vancouver Screenwriters Meetup Group

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                    • #40
                      Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

                      Thanks, Rene. I enjoyed your take as well.

                      I hope the writers of 1 and 2 come forward.
                      Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

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                      • #41
                        Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

                        I did come forward, but I guess I was too subtle about it.

                        I AM NUMBER ONE. Woooo number one! In your face!
                        Chicks Who Script podcast

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                        • #42
                          Re: Spontaneous Throwdown! "In the Belly of the Whale"

                          LOL! Subtle indeed. I thought maybe that's what the other post meant, but couldn't say for sure.
                          Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

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