Results - Halloween 2013 contest

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  • #16
    Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

    Originally posted by Jai Brandon View Post
    Here's an interesting idea: is it possible to write a horror script, but without the use of the supernatural/monsters/slashers? Hmmm...
    I found Mulholland Drive one of the scariest films ever, but I don't know that it actually has any supernatural stuff - dreams maybe, but no actual monsters/magic.

    There was a series in the 80s (UK) called Threads - basically a realistic imagining of a nuclear war. I'm guessing everyone of a certain age would rank that amongst the most terrifying things they've ever watched!
    My stuff

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    • #17
      Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

      Originally posted by Jon Jay View Post
      @RoadWarrior - I liked The Bell, it was one of the many milling around under the top three. It had a cool M R James vibe to it. My only reservation - and there were a few like this - was that it set up a myth, had people doubting the myth, then showed the myth was true. I was hoping for that extra beat that would make me go oooooh. But I felt the writing was good.

      Like others, I just didn't get The Taker. I've lived in Yorkshire since the mid-90s, kept thinking there was some news story I'd forgotten (I even Googled it and just got loads of rugby league pages)... but nope. Didn't get it.

      @bmcthomas - maybe you're right re: budget! But I genuinely felt this is the kind of short film you'd see online, recommend to friends. It could maybe do with some tinkering - like you say, something to give insight into how they view food. But it was one of entries that seemed to have that all-elusive voice behind it.
      Hi John, I ran out of time actually... or is that culling and even ripping up time!

      re The Bell

      I had some mail delivered to my house, in real life, with "Anthony Deakins" on the envelope, I liked that name, but it had arrived at the wrong house!

      I'll pop back in later and explain The Bell...


      The Taker was an attempt to write a few elements out of order. The initial location Superiimposed was thrown to the end on purpose.
      I was reading a few Douglas Coupland novels recently and he throws up sudden character expos, I thought about trying thia out over a BLACK SCREEN, and linking them by theme, content. It didn't work.

      Unfortunately... it all fell apart later too, the atypical, or is that asynchronous, events were confused.

      It was just a simple tale about a lonely kid, the sort who probably drifts from friend to friend at school, and would link up with new kids (the girl) and the other boy, a big softy, who might mop up the strays, our lonely kid thsi time.

      However, he {lonely kid}and his pap have been ripping kids off for years, junior leads 'em all to the infamous Edgeware Avenue, a sort of British sink estate, where he claims there's rich pickings to be had, but in fact a place that other kids would avoid for a reason.

      I attempted to show amidst the strange and weird types who answered doors, and the eccentrics, the zzzzzz of the broken intercom for example... where the cat flap is used to deposit the sweets and cola on the doormat, that these places, as a side issue, do have some good people living there. Sink estates being much maligned in the UK as we know...

      And so out of the rain and fog our Michael Myers-looking evil dad eventually appears, and steals all of the candy. A big ba gfull in fact.

      When the lonely kid/son gets home, said father is eating some of the booty already and drinking beer.

      The kid considers questioning/opposing him but thinks batter of it, he's a very nasty type of course, a brute in fact.

      We were suppposed to sense that this kid had found some good friends at last, and blew it! An opportunity gone, a chance to drop back in.

      He could have confessed earlier to this yearly plan and ritual.

      In a scene before all of that... just after the others have run away and paused on the pavement, exhausted, one of the other kids tumbles, he smiles at the girl and doesn't seem bothered that the lonely kid never made it, he knows the lonely boy is 'safe'.

      He's tumbled to what's actually going on. She, being an innocent soul, never actually gets it, that Goblin watch, is a present, probably a bit spoiled or a soulful huggy girl.

      There was quite... or even a great deal of character detail sketched out in the original idea, but it failed completely in the execution, completely.
      Last edited by The Road Warrior; 11-08-2013, 08:56 AM.
      Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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      • #18
        Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

        Originally posted by Jon Jay View Post

        @bmcthomas - maybe you're right re: budget! But I genuinely felt this is the kind of short film you'd see online, recommend to friends. It could maybe do with some tinkering - like you say, something to give insight into how they view food. But it was one of entries that seemed to have that all-elusive voice behind it.
        Well thanks! Budget came to mind because I was writing to budget. This summer, I won a little short script contest and the prize was that they made the film - moments after the "yay, you won" part, came the "now re-write it so we can afford to shoot it." That was a very valuable learning experience and I kept it in mind while writing this one.

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        • #19
          Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

          Originally posted by Jon Jay View Post
          I found Mulholland Drive one of the scariest films ever, but I don't know that it actually has any supernatural stuff - dreams maybe, but no actual monsters/magic.

          There was a series in the 80s (UK) called Threads - basically a realistic imagining of a nuclear war. I'm guessing everyone of a certain age would rank that amongst the most terrifying things they've ever watched!

          Oh yes... it's a sort of UK version of, The Day After... to orientate our American friends in here.

          It was like Tumbledown, I watched a few things in my childhood that left a mark... that Falkland's fact based drama, and Threads, where Sheffield took a nuke, or two, both of those left a deep mental scar.

          In fact... I'm shaking again now.
          Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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          • #20
            Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

            Thanks to the guys for organizing this. I enjoy these exercises a lot - It's fun writing to set parameters, and it's a blast reading through all the entries. You guys are freaks in the best sense of the word :-)

            So, on that note, here are a few thoughts on each.

            Helloween

            To me, excerpts from full screenplays are always at a disadvantage in these writing exercises. They're not a complete story, so have to work extra hard to impress. Unfortunately, this didn't do it for me: A ton of characters thrust into confusing action, built around some odd theology (hell, shaman, tree of life, Beelzebub). Without reading more, I would also guess that Olga starting to glow white should be the act one turning point, rather than the inciting incident. This feels a little "everything but the kitchen sink."

            Devil's Mountain

            There's a nice idea behind this one, but the execution doesn't hold up to scrutiny. Crashing a roller coaster into a real human being is a one shot deal. It won't be happening every year, because the first time it happens, people are gonna end up in jail. Now I know it's horror, but if Scott and Trevor ended up as exhibits in the haunted house ride say, then it feels more "believable", and therefore creepier. That's something thet might get away with.

            The Cutest Little Thing

            This would have been more effective for me if Mr. Fluffy hadn't turned into the weird creature. That was a left wing turn that wasn't foreshadowed, so it didn't work effectively for me. I like the idea of the pet keeping the oblivious owner safe though.

            Spider

            Not quite crafty enough for me. I would have liked to have seen Alvin trick Craig in a more ingenious manner.

            Potter's Field*

            A love the baseball being thrown back with the cryptic "help me" message. Such a simple, strong idea, which I think you could build a whole short round. Has a Stephen King feel to it. The execution here got too big though, and got a little messy. I would have liked to have kept the focus on the baseball diamond and Potter's Field.

            Motivation

            The perks of being a zombie. Again, there's a nice idea here, but I'm not sure that all those groans and moans at the end would convey that theme to an audience.

            Beans*

            A nice undercurrent of pathos here, and a good twist with the weird old man in the woods being a loving father. I liked this one. Got my third place vote.

            Doughboy

            Has some strong imagery, but feels too similar to the "It's A Good Life" segment of The Twilight Zone movie.

            Steve*

            A very clever idea, only let down by Steve being a touch too broad and jokey, which weakens the impact. Could be genuinely creepy, but comes across a touch larky. Still, it gets my 1st place vote.

            Dead Watchers

            This one was flawed by its story logic: why are the Dead Watchers so secretive, when the targets - zombies - aren't the sharpest tools in the box.

            Molly

            That long awaited reboot of "How To Get A Head In Advertising"... Tucked way way down below its juvenile exterior is an interesting body horror idea, but I don't think there was any attempt to explore that - just an all out gross attack, which didn't work for me.

            Coffin Creak

            I nice exercise in tension, tripped up for me by the catfish in the coffin. I was Googling that to see if there was some sort of coffin shaped fish trap, but I couldn't see anything that made sense, so that was a step too far. I like the idea though. This almost placed in the top 3.

            Taker

            Michael Myers appears too late for this to be effective, but tricking kids out of their treats is a fun idea. It was also a little muddled.

            The Bell

            Some nice old school atmospherics, but the bell isn't used to its full potential, upstaged by the blue light, and the mythology isn't defined clearly enough.

            The Reunion

            This starts really well, with some funny dialogue, and that classic trick or treat setup. The mad scientist brining his dad back is fun, but doesn't quite gel with the kids story - feels a little forced, and the magical day care appearing didn't work for me.

            Butterflies

            This was mine, and an attempt to do something old school, almost Victorian. I was aiming for haunting, rather than horror. I really like it, but I'm not surprised it didn't garner more votes. It was definitely a gamble.

            Cinemassacre

            Having worked at a movie theater, this resonated with me, but after my initial excitement at the "murder during a movie" setup, this didn't quite deliver. It felt a little forced.

            Picky

            A lot of setup for a punchline delivered off screen. Like many of these, there's a good idea tucked away in here though.

            Satan's Moon*

            Quite liked this one, though its twist wasn't foreshadowed. To sell the twist, I would have liked to see hints that Fatman isn't who we think he is. I would also have preferred Fatman to settle the score using magic he's been learning this past year, rather than a boring old gun. Got my 2nd place vote though.

            Best Halloween Ever

            Yeah, no idea what's going on here, though I'm pretty sure there's a scene in there suggesting a 4 year old boy and his 7 year old sister had sex. Err... not for me.

            Versus

            I like the idea of people being trapped inside a Starbucks drive thru with some monster outside, but this lacked something in the execution. It kind of just ended. I would have liked to see the characters solve this through their respective "arcs".

            Requiem

            I like the idea of a haunted piano, but this lost me at the end. Not sure what happened.

            Danse Macabre

            Possibly because it came near the end of the list, but I found this a bit of a slog to get through, with lots of action and lots of characters. I think there's a good idea here, but throwing all those classic and modern monsters together leads to a confusing mythology, that muddies the story.

            Mating Call

            Some fun elements, but doesn't quite hang together. The story jumps perspective from Charlie to Foxy Lady, but there isn't a strong enough ending to bring it all together.

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            • #21
              Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

              Originally posted by DangoForth View Post
              First of all, Road Warrior and DPaterso should get mulligans on their entries for being so generous with their time (and patience) while I was querying them for the article - smack in the middle of the contest. They were both gracious and, let me say, a joy to "converse" with. More info on that article coming soon to a DDpro forum near you...
              Howdy, pleased to hear you received everything.
              Last edited by The Road Warrior; 11-08-2013, 01:21 PM. Reason: slight clarification. as rushing earlier.
              Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                work-in-progress... continuing...

                I've struggled before on time to give feedback, so here goes, let's post this up and it may take a while so apologies ahead! And please remember this is a personal response, and only a few of my thoughts on-the-fly.

                My Votes:

                1. Danse Macabre
                2. Coffin Creek
                3. The Dead Watchers


                I narrowed it down to the following entries:
                Doughboy, The Dead Watchers, Coffin Creek, with The Reunion and Vesus, in a kind of runners up list, but have deleted my PM for the the 2nd and 3rd places, so will have to check with Dpat, to ensure I post up the correct entries, there were many reversals!

                A special shout out first for the TITLES...

                The Dead Watchers, and Coffin Creek, loved 'em.

                And whilst on TITLES, I felt a disconnect in many examples of this years labelling, titles it occurs to me are really difficult to do well, and they are influential and very important, there's a world of clues in there, or, unfortunately -- the title works against you, because like the cover on the box of chocolates, it has to live up to what's professed to be inside.

                Without resorting too often to other feedback... a few notes,

                I'll take Oliver Newton John's advice and just "feel my way" :

                Helloween

                Not keen on the title, sounded the wrong opening note, a conflation that didn't quite work - clever though it is. I could see that you were relishing the detail and the detail was copious and laboured over. the names of the demons however were too esoteric, for me, began to push me out rather than drawing me in, and after a while, i really wanted it to get going, it lost em then.
                I wanted you to get the heck out of hell!
                With screenplays, this is where our enjoyment of the writing process can sucker us I feel, we want to see you set up HELL, and then get the hell out and on to the surface, there are no set-ups in hell, so why stay, and that would give you pages of extra story time. Kill your darlings, and kill your darling descriptions here!

                Devil's Mountain

                Promising and goofy opening, and it was here where I thought, I'm not an American, and what whacky things they *may* get up to over there at Halloween!
                The dialogue didn't quite work for me, employees and the boss tensions, ahhh, something up here, but didn't connect with them, and when they approached the top of the mountain, it was feeling like, I know what's coming next, the easy-to-guess what comes next factor, figured heavily in many scripts this year, if you do that, and the story betrays you, I think you need to keep me hooked with something else, tone, mood, and other elements, then I don't care if I second guess it.
                Good George Romero moment at the bottom, thought of Land of the Dead, cage scene, but for reasons Karlsod sort of pointed out, didn't quite work somehow, but grim, and maybe that is a the point.

                The Cutest Little Thing

                Again, the title didn't quite work for me, but then again, that devil cat isn't cute at all, and although I guessed that the cat would be taking out the guy, I was caught between humour and horror, and not that strange blend of the two that works. Also, a fine line betweeen feeling pervy, and feeling threatening, and pervy! Also, remembered the picturres of all the girls on he wall, for a long time afterwards, why I thought, clunky and a serial killer cliche for me.

                Spider

                Really had hopes for this one, initially I thoght, now what's this cunning writer up to and the writing was good and confident, as it is with many of the entries, but we're into being hard a$$es in reviews this year, and you only want the bad don't you.... don't you!
                But there was a little too much Alvin and Craig, and more Alvin and Craig and so a ball-passing rhythm was set up and it detracted from the writing. Sorry, without going back, I can't add too much to that, but it was enough to dump me out of the script onto the pavement by then.

                Potter's Field

                I loved this title and script, and I knew it was Bio's... the only writer I'd rumbled, however, it lost marks FOR ME because it was a bit too cluttered fella, and where I expected to go, the story didn't take me, underexploited, and some good vibes and after being hooked in, I was rudely ejected again, back on to the sidewalk! I thought Some spring cleaning and pruning by continuing with some old school good vibes, here, and I feel this would appeal and would be worth shooting as a short. I love vacant lots in stories, edge spaces.

                Motivation

                Really liked the opening, nice descriptions, but then after a while, it begain to lose me, I think it needed some work on the dialogue, in order that it sounded nauturalistic, and real.

                Beans
                I never gave this one a fair chance, I think my brain may have melted at about this time and so there was some disconnect, where I was unable to appreciate it. May come back to this if I have time. Reading oher feedback, I get it now, like Doughboy, I didn't have the background knowledge.

                Doughboy
                Confident writing and control, I had a bit of problem with the title and was struggling to decide where to place it, it was in my top 6 or 7 that I kicked around endlessly, I read quickly and I read each entry through, FOUR TIMES, this year, phew...

                Steve
                Not too keen on the title here writer, but it made me laugh and not sure if that was intended, so perfunctory, STEVE, but.... this is a UK issue, like the name DAVE over here, it will ring a certain kind of visual bell. Comical/vernacular. Hard to explalin, we have the DAVE CHANNEL... and it's for blokes.
                Note here:
                At times, some of the things that the Americans will take for granted, cultural resonances, made some of the reading hard for me, just because I'm a Brit.
                But, same remarks as Karlsod, the dog was a little bit too Disney-upbeat in tone for me, couldn't decide if this was brilliant, or an issue, in the end, I did think, forget what he's saying, this is dog psychology as dialogue, the dog has no clue what is going down and so he is a victim, complicit, anyway... after eating my foot, and a few fingers, it knocked it down for me. However, really easy and confident flow of writing of somebody who can clearly write well, Who was it?
                Oh, darn, it's that Weems again.
                Nb, I personally never like Martial Arts moves in films, on women, maybe it's because I've boxed, and spent years in MA clubs a while ago and have an eye for what is real, I'm blighted, the real intrudes. What I'd really like though, would be if the woman had grabbed him by the b*lls and hung on unitl the motherf--ker had turned blue, and then, forced her fingers in to his eye sockets... and maybe even gone back for more... whilst he was crumpled up on the floor, and stamped the f-----er on his thro....
                Stop. Getting carried away here.
                I just like natural fight moves.

                ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                that's around half way, to be cont'd...

                okay, dumps the drink bottle, let's push on... out of sequence now...

                ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Danse Macabre

                This got my top vote, and it was odd really because initially, I thought, got him, this is Dpats, and he's put on a weird little party, in a weird little house, and maybe this year, I doln't want to reward the Dpat-meister, for such a set up, and so it got bumped on first read, but then, I realised that it was a favouite - many were of course - and despite the dense text, and little dialogue, I thought, go on, don't include any dialogue at all, go-for-it... and then the writer did, include dialogue that is - but it still got my attention, the writing was really smooth, lots of control, polish, and many of the others had polish/control, but just choosing to call that aspect out here. And it was ReneC, in the end, Good writing chap.
                Maybe take more risks, it was wild and just occasionally, tame, that dialogue, the very first line... deflated me a little... but I slotted you in as No1 and after that, went looking for a 2 and 3.

                Best. Halloween. Ever.

                I saw this and it reminded me of something, a new Douglas Coupland novel, entitled "Worst. Friend. Ever" or something like that.. and although I hate these terms, the web's own homespun brand of emphasis... this may have been a risk taker.

                Bazza and Shazza, well, well, that's very funny to a Brit if in context, with names like that they require a mini, and windshield stickers.
                If Shakespeare can have his Ros' and Guild', in Hamlet, why not?

                BUT... did it work dramatically?
                I thought this was boyfriend and girlfriend, i had reader fatigue and so forgot the start.

                But, you lost me at by way of much of the writing and dialogue later in, there was even a little bit of "writer intrusion" I believe, if this was the one, I won't go back, but for a moment, you surfaced.

                I may have to check this, because I'm entirely working off memory on this one.

                Edit to add: re the suggested alien- incest thing, whoa, well I have seen a thing or two in my time in terms of violence and bad people and shoud use that perhaps in my writing. I'm self-censoring a great deal nowadays.
                Back to you: but this would be something I would definitely shy away from. Even obliquely.
                What were you up to here?




                Coffin Creek

                May have had a BWP inspired title, Blair Witch had Coffin Rock, if I recall, and maybe that spooked me in some deep spooky way.
                Hard to say why I liked this, but I returned to it and it may have been the execution rather than the content, but, I don't always know why I like something or if I can articultate that, but it got my second vote. Others have covered same points better than I could do.

                Butterflies

                Another one that had my admiration, but may have been out of my 'reviewing league'. I wanted to reward this, and it had solid moments, but I had to stick to what I could go with without misunderstandings, but it was different and one thing with our Halloween entries is that many of us will be imposing a lot of pointy hats and jack-o's on folks and this broke ranks, so good for that, I may have omiitted it because I was playing safe, but then again there were a few notes in dialogue and descriptions that didn't ring all the bells or took me out of it.

                Motivation

                "the zombies follow the shambling lurking gait swiftly morphs into an undead blitzkrieg of deadly speed..."

                is where I like how you have attempted to pump MASSIVE energy into the lines, but if you take, shambling lurking gait.... and then later... blitzkrieg of deadly speed, it kind of overloads the sentence and the images cram up like a traffic jam and I lost the visuals.
                Unfortunately.
                Because there's some real writing chops here, can't analyse the story, as it's been done better elsewhere, and I am a bit zombie weary, so struggle to empaphise, but the writing was solild and showed ability, this is it with many scripts here, everybody has a good style, solid and condensed writing, but as John Jay said way back, we may have dumped atmosphere in the rush to impress, and tone and manipulating the reader's emotions,
                We have to draw the reader in and hang on to them. And that ain't easy.

                Molly

                Nowthis is interesting as in a way, it could have been written by a Brit, even though it was obviously an American piece. I felt the hometown in this, less testerone for a change, and this was one of the ones, like The Dead Watchers where both description and dialogue were both controlled and polished and believable, I was not taken out, it should have been up there, but on this reading occasion, I was a bit of a wuss, and the creature in the face, was too much for me.
                Vomits.
                Then, I slapped a thigh, and went back and reviewed it, and I just couldn't decide, so it was nothing more than I made the decision to cast my votes elsewhere.

                The Dead Watchers

                Convincing writing throughout. Both dialougue and actions. But it was the darn burger joint, it began to laugh but not in a finding it funny kind of way, but just thinking, this is demented, I mean a set-piece, of a burger joint, all those little burgers lined up and it's a Halloween entry horror tale. We may as John said, not have spooked, but we're nutters when it comes to this competition. Other reviews have covered the way it runs, and I again can't sum up easily, but it grabbed me. My third vote, and a great title, not quite sure if I was a little disappointed that the title, and the details behind the title meshed, but well, I voted for it.

                Mating Call

                Solidly written and kinky, in that it had kinks, but it didn't quite work for me, and the title put me off a little, this is a Dpat script, and I didn't spot it, but it was rushed it seems, and after some of his darker, earlier scripts, Stephen Hawking, Top Gear Gary's it didn't have me shocked/laughing as per usual, no big deal. And so this may have been what happened. Time. Not easy at last mo...let's see more demented Dpat. It'll reappear. And kick a$$.

                ------------------------------------

                Steamed out here, with a few to go, Picky, Satan's Moon, etc.

                The Reunion

                Ach... another.
                Started out really well, good writing, but felt that the dialogue began to slip a little, as it progressed, there was an OTN feeling at times and it didn't depart from a trick and treat format and become unusual enough for me. That said, the descriptions were solid and if the writer picked the right story, then standard of execution would certainly not be a problem, as I felt they'd got flair, it was being more unconventional, taking risks, daring, something missing perhaps? Or had I read too much by this point?

                Cinemassacre

                Another one that had me scratching my head in terms of how I'd judge it against the others. Really dug the cold in the set up, that got the mood in, and then I was working quite hard to understand what kind of feel this was intended to have, there was stuff going on here, but if I can't decide in which way to interpret it, that may be a problem, or the problem may be mine.
                I'll defer to Mr Earth's comments here, lots going on, but some stylistic choices may have contributed to the music I was hearing.
                Still, definitely some good writing, but felt the OTN warning bell going again in my head, not sure if I could hear energy, or individuality in the voicies, the protag rang a little flat, in the UK it would be a miserable voice, I'd heard, a depressed character, did I get that right, or were you after anything else.
                Inventive but flawed in some way that I can't quite deduce.
                Last edited by The Road Warrior; 11-08-2013, 03:46 PM.
                Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                  First, my usual disclaimer. My true nature is to encourage writers of all levels to be inspired to challenge themselves and get better, but you'll see from my notes that it appears that I'm overly negative. I think that's from knowing that I need to pare these puppies down to a top three, so I focus on the negative to do that. It's nothing personal and even my top vote getters got cut down in some places. I hope no one gets upset.

                  Incidentally, this time around, one of my lowest placed finishers (Spider) was, in some ways, my favorite as far as the situation the writer was trying to explore.

                  When I rank these things, I just make notes as I go, so a lot of times that means I ask somewhat rhetorical questions. Sometimes those questions are actually answered by the writer later on and all is right with the world...but sometimes not. I'll let the writers themselves figure out if they did or not.

                  I guess I mostly judge entries by: Is this something I would produce? Does this make sense? Is it clear in the writing what would be on the screen?

                  Thanks, Road Warrior and dpaterso for all your work with this.

                  Oh, and "Molly" was mine. I don't typically deal with horror, not a fan of gross out stuff, and puns are really not my thing, but "Molly" seemed to call for all of that and I kind of dig a lot of what I have in there. I knew it wouldn't be for everyone, but I think it's really cool that some people enjoyed it.

                  On to the critiques:

                  1 Satan's Moon
                  2 Doughboy
                  3 Dead Watchers
                  4 The Bell
                  5 Picky
                  6 Motivation
                  7 Potters Field
                  8 Cinemassacre
                  9 Steve
                  10 Coffin Creek
                  11 Beans

                  Bottom Half
                  Danse Macabre, The Taker, Mating Call, Requiem, Versus, The Cutest Little Thing, Devil's Mountain, Butterflies, The Reunion, Spider, Best Halloween,

                  Helloween

                  Right off the bat, I don't really know where the camera is or what's going on on screen. Lots of unfilmmables.

                  Are we in the bubble? Are we watching the bubble? What is intercutting with the bubble? What is the tree of life? Who's Bael? I'm not familiar with any of these demons or what they're supposed to look like.

                  "All hell breaks looses. Literally." What is that "literally" supposed to look like?

                  I do love the cat's line "Raar!"

                  This is the harshest thing I think I've ever said in one of these exercises, but I really couldn't wait to get to the end. And it's not so much about the stuff mentioned above about the direction and what we're seeing, although that doesn't help, it's more about where this story is apparently going. So, demons are unleashed by very confusing circumstances, but they're unleashed and some random girl in a Xena costume will presumably save the day. I don't see anything innovative or interesting in that set up or concept. The dialogue is very basic. The characters are cardboard cutouts except for the demons who I guess I'm supposed to already know, but don't. Fast Jimmy? Come on.

                  Devil's Mountain
                  Small critique, but it seems like the boss should show some indication of being intimidating either in his description or demeanor, even if he doesn't mean to be.

                  Hmmm, well, the read is smooth. There are some good moments of dialogue. But then we get into the tricky part of this kind of exercise. First, it's not like anyone reading this didn't see what's coming. Is that a knock against the material? Not sure. It probably is enough to keep it out of the top scorers though once I get through the rest.

                  Then there's the practicality of it all. I think I am more forgiving than most if the story is interesting or even if it's so ridiculously ridiculous that it takes on a kind of farcical tone and this one is pretty close to that, but the reality is people in a roller coaster hitting a live body at 60 mph will do a lot of damage to all kinds of people. So, there's that. And that means the owner of the amusement park is willfully injuring or killing his guests. Killing interns I get, but paying customers? And doing it year after year? Not sure about that.

                  The Cutest Little Thing
                  First two out of three stories have a cat jumping out for scares.

                  I was a little confused when Heather bolted out of the room, but then seemed to talk to the Super in a normal way albeit OS.

                  This is a smooth read. Gets from point a to b and so on nicely. But then when the creature attacks Grimms it gets a little confusing as to who/what is doing that. Did the cat turn into the monster or is there a monster living there, too? And if there is a monster and a cat, why does he let the cat have the treat? Maybe it would've been more interesting, darker, and more surprising if the straight up cute cat ripped the treat out of Grimms throat, but maybe the writer thought that wouldn't be so original.

                  Spider
                  I wonder if it would be better to take out the line "I won't make it." because no one would actually say that and just have "He won't make it." in the A/D.

                  There seems to be a lot of extraneous direction here. At first, I thought how the writer cut back and forth to the two characters was interesting, but once they're together, all the "Alvin does this and Craig does this and Alvin does that and they go here and then there" is too much and gets tedious. It all destroys what could be a very tense moment or exchange.

                  This is a tough one because it's very possible that the set up for this little tale will be the best in the bunch, but the execution is way off and that's too bad. I would think this is a novice writer, but the good news is there is something here to work with and some stuff just needs to be cleaned up to move them to the next level. So they're definitely on the right track.

                  The situation is an awesome one. It's been a long enough time after a huge event where maybe, just maybe some people can trust some people out there, so there's this chance to really play up that careful trust between two armed human beings that probably want to reconnect with others on some level. And reading it, we don't know who to root for, who has the upper hand, who will win. Those are all top notch things working here. Unfortunately, the writing gets in the way. We have all these little directions like nodding and who leads who to what room and stuff like that when it should be the tension we see front and center. Little movements and questionable behavior could make it even more intense between these two guys. So, because of all that, I have to put this one in the bottom half, but it kind of makes me sad to do that because it had an opportunity to be great. Of all the entries, this is the one that is most inspiring and the one that I would be most excited about if some producer said, "Hey, I've got this concept and a very rough draft and I want to see what you can do with it." So, in a way, it's my winning entry.

                  Potter's Field
                  Well written. Has a lot going on, maybe too much and it felt longer than the 8-page limit, but at the same time, a good read.

                  I like the baseball stuff and it was dead on accurate in all of those things. A little too much like Sandlot. When I was a kid, getting the ball was always important if it was the only ball no matter what kind of shape it was in, so having it be signed (like the Sandlot ball) wasn't really needed.

                  It's a little confusing what's going on at the end or what the kids need to do and who they're doing it for. I think that's probably a part of reading so many of these at a time, but to be fair, this is what we deal with as spec writers when we submit our stuff to some overworked reader. Still, this is one of the top submissions for sure.

                  Motivation

                  And we have our first well-written submission that makes me rethink how to "judge" these things. On the one hand, while verbose, it is a good read and the writer has a good mastery of voice, pace, storytelling, etc. But then there is the very real issue of how do you film this thing when the zombies are talking to each? You could use voice over or subtitles but both seem like they would be very strange or humorous and completely change the mood of what's going on.

                  There's also the thing of writing in very familiar territory and using a lot of words to do that. I'm not sure how much to discount, if at all, a writer who takes up a lot of real estate to paint a picture we are all too familiar with, especially when the writer is obviously talented. Once we get to the POV of the zombie, it gets fresh and interesting, but then we get back to the question about how to portray that clearly on screen. What to do...what to do.

                  Beans
                  Solid writing, but it's missing any kind of creepiness factor. I would guess this is probably from a writer with some experience who doesn't typically deal in horror.

                  There were some plot conveniences at play. The right amount of beans, the old guy being gone once a month, etc. But some of these things are understandable given our page limits.

                  Nothing was jarringly wrong here, but for some reason, it just didn't hook me in. Maybe it was the lack of tension or suspense. When the ghosts appear it becomes apparent very quickly that they aren't a threat. Maybe a longer page limit would have allowed for something like that to be explored, but we can only grade on what we have.

                  On a personal note, I looked forward to this because "Beans" is a word my friends and I agreed on using instead of curse words around our kids when we would have get togethers. A part of me also wanted a flatulent ghost haunting story.

                  Doughboy

                  Hmmm, well, this is the creepiest entry so far, so points for that.

                  I'm not exactly sure if all the people in the family are dough people or just the boy and mom and I guess dad. And I don't really know from these pages what the rules are for dough people and because of that, I'm not sure why the boy can't stop eating. Now, if the boy was the only dough person and part of that meant he had an insatiable appetite, for whatever reason, then okay, but it appears that they are all dough people and only one has the eating affliction which makes it confusing.

                  And then if the girl is a dough girl, why does she hate these other dough dolls? And if they move for her just like they do for the boy, wouldn't she appreciate them? Or at least, wouldn't the little dolls basically be the exact same thing as the human size family only smaller?

                  All this might sound incredibly negative, but I think with a rewrite that explored some alternative choices here and there, this could be one satisfying little creepy tale, of what, I don't know, but creepy nonetheless.

                  Steve

                  Ha ha, well, if this is from the same writer, Richmond Weems, who wrote about bestiality love in the Valentine's writing exercise, we might want to alert some authorities.

                  Anyhoo, this is a quick read. Thanks for that. The idea is interesting, kind of a "Look Who's Talking to a Psychopath," but imagining how this would actually play out on screen is hard to figure. Obviously the VO isn't a problem, but it clearly makes for a comedic tone, but then everything else we would be watching would be absolutely brutal, including the dog getting broken. But does that make for a lower scored entry? Don't know.

                  I think with more time to develop the piece there are way more joke opportunities here and probably a way to somewhat soften the violence in the rest of the piece so that it would still be poignant but not so graphically unnerving.
                  Last edited by The Road Warrior; 11-08-2013, 12:56 PM. Reason: my error, I added one of my reviews to mr Earths!
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                  • #24
                    Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                    (Cont.)

                    Dead Watchers
                    Good humorous dialog. The introduction of the guys was a little clunky, but okay. I don't have any idea what someone that wanted to work for TMZ would look like.

                    See a guy detoriate before our eyes tripped me up, too. It took me a second to realize he was in the process of detoriating and was still functional, not that he turned into dust or something.

                    Kind of a cutesy ending. I don't get how the guys couldn't realize that it was a woman in a top hat, I guess because of the newspaper, but at any rate a woman wearing a top hat had to presumably walk into the restaurant around 3 am and that would certainly be an eye catching thing to see.

                    Good story overall. Not the most twisty or suspenseful, but still solid.

                    Coffin Creek

                    There's nothing really wrong with the story or dialogue here, but I think in some ways, this entry was my least favorite. At first I thought, maybe this will be some kind of twist where the rednecks are finally the innocent ones and it turns out the city slicker is a psychopath, so it was close to that, but then it just turned out to be nothing really. Sure, it's a misdirection, but this is a Halloween contest where we need something more macabre, even if that's not specifically part of the rules.

                    And, realistically, I don't see anyway someone could lift a coffin filled with water out of a river.

                    So, what we have here is another entry where it's difficult to know what to do with it. Writing-wise, it's strong and shows the writer's skill, but on the other hand, if a producer sent a writer off to come back with a script for a horror short and the writer turned this in, the writer'd be tossed out on his butt. So, how to score this thing? Hmmmm.

                    The Taker

                    Whoa, this is certainly a different writing style. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what's on screen and where we are exactly in the beginning. Character capsules over black?

                    Two hundred and something to describe the address? Odd choice, since the number doesn't really matter one way or another, why waste space being cutesy?

                    The part where the candy is passed through the cat door is a little unclear as to what's actually happening and I can't read TINKLE without thinking urination, so maybe there's a better sound effect, but this is obviously from one of our UK writer friends, so maybe I'm reading too much into this with my US eyes.

                    This is an odd little story, but I did like it overall. It would be an interesting little part of a much bigger story and could probably be cut down to a couple of pages, but the writing was interesting. Another tough one to judge because even with some of the odd choices the writing is not subpar, but would I want to "make" this script into an actual short? Probably not. Unfortunately, there's not enough to grab me here.

                    The Bell
                    Another tough one and obviously another one of our UK friends. Expertly written and a good tone to it, but it felt longer than 8 pages, so if it is only 8 pages, maybe the pace could be tightened up a little.

                    Definitely more in the spooky vein and it's hard to tell on paper if it actually is all that spooky when you get down to it or what exactly transpired at the end.

                    This is probably the first submission I've read where I could see it being a full length feature, not that was anybody's goal or reason to score higher, but still...

                    Did it absolutely grab me and make me say "I want to shoot this thing!" Can't say that it did, but it's a great piece of writing nonetheless and so I'm back to trying to decide what the ultimate goal of this kind of exercise really is. Darn.

                    The Reunion

                    "Acquires a gold necklace" seems like an odd choice of words here.

                    Telling the kid to put the locket in his room and leave it there doesn't ring true to the situation at hand. It seems like he should say "I'm never going anywhere with you again if you have that stupid thing" or something like that.

                    "Acquires" again.

                    Would a kid remember the year of an execution at all let alone in a time before he was born?

                    Mass and weight are not the same thing, but that's being pretty nitpicky.

                    I guess I'm supposed to know what an "Event Horizon" is. I guess I can figure it out from context.

                    Not sure I follow what exactly happened in the end and how the mom's spirit took things over since those circumstances seemed way different from what the son was trying to accomplish to bring his dad back from hell.

                    As negative as these comments may appear, this isn't a poorly written sample, but the small things are enough from keeping it toward the top.

                    Butterflies
                    My first impression is that the exchange between the mom and daughter, while not annoying dialogue, spends a long time saying something that could be said in a lot fewer words. It's not like what the mom is going through is a complicated, foreign subject and it's not like the exchange is revealing any special emotion or feelings we haven't seen a thousand times before, so cut it down or find a much more interesting way to convey it and use more subtext.

                    A butterfly startled by a phone ring is unintentionally funny to me.

                    It's hard to understand what the green markings are once they are on the shirt. Maybe a little more description would be helpful.

                    For some reason, it doesn't ring true to me that a longtime wife would say her husband was dead and then say something like "disappeared really" especially if she's in such mourning.

                    Hmmm, I'm not sure what to make of this story. I guess it's open for interpretation and I choose to intrepet that the butterfly was just a butterfly and the woman was stupid. I'm not sure what the message is there. Don't trust butterflies? A quick, interesting read though with dialogue that could be better, but not an absolute dealbreaker.

                    Cinemassacre
                    How do we know break time is over from the clock on his phone?

                    I'm starting to hate the whole parenthetical thing. When it works and used sparingly, it's effective, but it looks like overdone here and it annoyingly overdirects the actors.

                    "the John"? Come on, man. Just say restroom or something.

                    There are definitely some good things here with the twist. The writing style is a little over the top when it gets to the action, but it doesn't take away from cleverness of the story overall. I dig originality and creativity, so this one scores a lot of points from that even though some of the other stylistic choices weren't really my thing.

                    Picky
                    To me, don't f' with me boots would be the exact same thing as f' me boots, but maybe that's a little too revealing.

                    This was a good, quick read. The dialogue was well done and the story and set up was pretty unusual.

                    I'm not sure why they felt the need to kill the woman outside of doing it for the plot, after all, they know what they are and they know not many people are like them, why be murderous now and in this situation? But the whole thing's ridiculous, so the writer can get away with things like that.

                    Satan's Moon
                    Ha. This thing kind of mosey's along until it gets really awesome at the end. I was worried that it was just the ol' switcheroo where the women are actually preying on the guys and thought I'd play it out to the end. I didn't expect the fat guy. Good job.

                    It had funny moments in the early part, but more development and time could probably make it even funnier or at least give it that kind of tone throughout. That seems important since the first 90% or so of the thing is kind of been there, done that. I get that's a set up for the ending, but it's important not to stay too far in that familiar rut.

                    Best Halloween Ever
                    Shazza and Bazza? Good Lord. Who's rubbing whose crotch? Aaaagh....help me.

                    Actually, we can't kill Shazza fast enough. What an annoying character.

                    Good Lord! Are we watching aliens as children in sexual, intimate positions?!? Good Lord! What?!?!

                    Good Lord! Are the children cussing up a storm now?

                    So, the aliens are taken away, but they're in the kids bodies and even though the aliens said they were sleeping, doesn't that mean they are dormant in their own bodies? So, the dad, just to get at his horrible wife lets strangers take away their children and do God knows what to them? What an a-hole. It's hard to let these illogical things slide, especially when paired with very disturbing things going on on screen and reprehensible characters.

                    Versus
                    JOOJ? And Con?

                    I find it highly unlikely that you could wear fake blood in a place where food is served.

                    I'm not sure why, maybe it's submission overload, but I have a hard time following all that's going on here. Probably too many characters in too short a time frame.

                    Something looks "evil"? I can't imagine anyone ever saying that no matter what they were looking at.

                    It's not clear. Are people watching other employees getting killed on the monitor and just watching it without doing anything?

                    This has a lot going on. It's kind of like stuffing 50 pounds into a 8 page bag. The writer has some talent here, but needs to slow down and let things breathe. Maybe the page limits were too constricting to get the story out that he wanted to tell, but in reality, if it was just Con and Abby and maybe a co-worker and a random customer, nothing in the story would be lost and things would be a whole lot easier to follow. I'm not even sure what happened to JOOJ in the end and whether that horribly named person survived or not.

                    The exchange in the refrigerator was one of the best lines of dialogue in any of the submissions.

                    Requiem
                    Okay, more prose-ey than screenplay-ey. In fact, one part of the haunting actually takes place in a different scene, but we don't change locations in the script.

                    This is one of those weird cases where the writing is interesting and pulls a reader in, but when one thinks of how this would actually appear on screen, I think a great deal would be lost. You would basically just have a guy playing a piano and then being taken away by a ghost. It could be 10-15 seconds of screentime, but we took how many pages to get there?

                    The ending is more confusing than anything and the rest isn't really all that original, but the writer is good at setting tone.

                    Danse Macabre
                    Wow, this is a dense read, but even without the white space, it is a smooth read. I do wonder if it's all necessary. For example, when the bones were going to form into a skeleton, that was going to be a pretty obvious result, yet we went through a lot of words in order to get there. There are probably other places like this as well.

                    I'm not exactly sure how all this stuff came about. So, the party is for monsters and humans. I take it that Vaughn controlled all the monsters with the amulet, but when it was broken they were freed, but I'm not exactly sure that's what happened.

                    And how could the girl be made into a monster of different body parts without her dad knowing? Who did it and why? And, I guess, how? And why would she come back to her dad? And why would she want revenge on him? And how come Vaughn could control some monsters, but not the mummy? And why would he act like he could eventually control the mummy in due time? Lots of logic questions and that usually means a docking of imaginary points.

                    Mating Call
                    So, the party was going on full blast without alcohol and no one really cared except one woman?

                    There's some funny stuff here with the characters. And I appreciate and laughed at the literal call out of "showing and not telling" but, nonetheless, it actually was a lot of showing and stuff that we wouldn't understand or know by just seeing it on the screen.

                    I would have liked to have seen some kind of twist in some way or more suspense or something. It was all pretty straightforward stuff.

                    I thought the one guy knew that there was something to be afraid of in the cellar behind the wall, but then he seemed shocked to find the hole, but really he didn't seem to be that shocked at all about a wall falling down and a hidden room. And wasn't it his house? He doesn't care about a brick wall collapsing in the basement of his jam packed party house? There's probably a better, clearer way to show what's going on with that character. The foxy lady didn't seem to care all that much either. I understand maybe she's not supposed to, but it just seems kind of odd.
                    On Twitter @DeadManSkipping

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                    • #25
                      Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                      Damn you for rivaling me, Mr. Earth. DAAAMMMNNNN YOUUUUU!
                      FADE IN:
                      PERSEVERANCE OVERCOMES ADVERSITY
                      NEVER FADE OUT.

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                      • #26
                        Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                        Mr Earth
                        Number 237

                        .. The room in Stanley Kubrick's ... THE SHINING.
                        Last edited by The Road Warrior; 11-08-2013, 11:09 AM. Reason: quick posting errors.
                        Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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                        • #27
                          Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                          BLANK SPACE - I will probably use this later, as I'd doubled up on a post.
                          Last edited by The Road Warrior; 11-08-2013, 11:42 AM.
                          Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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                          • #28
                            Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                            Hi guys. Congrats to the winners, hell, congrats to those who didn't place too for fronting up and putting their work into the harsh light of the public gaze.

                            Big thanks for the organisers, it was a fun little contest and I think 8 pages was dead on the money. Long enough to construct something of worth, not so long that reading and trying to evaluate 23 (?) entries was too much of a chore.

                            Finally another big thanks to Jai Brandon and Mr Earth (so far) for their detailed comments. Wish I could add something like that but a week of insomnia has left its mark.

                            and just for interest's sake my voting went like this...

                            1. Coffin creek
                            2. Satan's moon
                            3. The cutest thing
                            I heard the starting gun


                            sigpic

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                            • #29
                              Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                              Originally posted by Jai Brandon View Post
                              Damn you for rivaling me, Mr. Earth. DAAAMMMNNNN YOUUUUU!

                              Ha ha. Notes as I read is the only way I can do these things. I think you beat me in length though. There's an easy joke in there for whoever wants it.
                              On Twitter @DeadManSkipping

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                              • #30
                                Re: Results - Halloween 2013 contest

                                Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
                                Mr Earth
                                Number 237

                                .. The room in Stanley Kubrick's ... THE SHINING.
                                I like references like that, but I think I was referring to the house before they got there where it was just listed as "two hundred something." Just one of those silly notes where I thought, "Hmm, what would that two hundred something actually be on screen. If we end up at 237, should it be higher or lower?" A very small markdown to be sure, but still something that gave me a hiccup.
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