Results - Valentine's Day contest

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  • #16
    Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

    FROGGIE
    Really liked the twist at the end, plus the tongue visuals. However, I'd read something quite similar to this before, so it lost points there (through no fault of the writer). This turned out to be Margie's, so maybe that's why it seemed familiar?

    THE DATE
    Several nigglings here and there, nothing major, but enough to cost a point here and there. Why the car lock? What kind of store has a flower lady instead of just a clerk? “How’d” instead of “How did” was not in keeping with character’s speech pattern. Halfway not half-way.
    All the same, it was funny and I liked the characters. Very realistic in how dad treats Trevor (speaking as the father of a Down Syndrome child).

    PAINT IT BLACK
    All around interesting characters and great dialog (even though it is dialog heavy). Did have a problem as to why the pretty girls are all choosing Trent. My third place pick.


    THEME WEDDING
    Liked the outfit wedding matchups. With “Gene” as the main character, shouldn’t she have been “Miri” or "Majel"? (I went to Majel's house one time - COOLEST statue of a dragon in the foyer and her dogs were beautiful... but I digress) What’s the point of the currency??? Felt it should have a point showing Gene switching communicator badges on uniforms for more of the payoff.

    SUMMER LOVING
    Thought this writer had a good feel for that age. Biggest problem was a real lack of conflict. “Look out over the ocean atop the roof” would mean the ocean is on the roof.

    DINNER WITH RALPHIE
    Had a good twist at the end. This one just made me ask too many questions when I finished it, which is not a good thing. Still wasn't totally sure if Bruce was his brother or his dad.

    THE BOY IN THE WOODS
    Great visualization – the landscapes, leaf beds. My favorite read, if not my top pick. Photo totally set up the ending, so no surprise, but still felt like a nice moment. Several things that made me ask questions... If it’s been raining, how are the leaves dry??? It takes days for gangrene to begin setting in.

    LOVE HURTS
    Just great dialog and a hilarious ending. My top pick. Mostly because it made me laugh.

    A BOX OF VALENTINES
    Good juxtaposition of the bathroom vs rest of apartment. Good misdirection with Scott’s actions – turning off TV, gift, etc. A little confusing with what she's doing at the beginning, but that played to the ending, I guess. My second place vote.


    As to my entry, I actually wrote a romcom once with Michael Caine in mind. "Good luck with that..."
    Last edited by DangoForth; 02-25-2014, 06:53 AM.

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    • #17
      Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

      Originally posted by Margie Kaptanoglu View Post
      Hey Mr. Earth, thanks very much for your comments. Very good point that if you really think about it, the guy comes off as a total creep. I actually had a 2-page limit when I first wrote this (for a contest), so of necessity had to leave out a lot of detail. In my mind, what he's doing is not too awful because he's fulfilling a dream these women have, of meeting a frog prince. To that end, I tried to show that the woman had mixed feelings about it: happy about the night she spent with him, but wouldn't really want him to hang around longer because then she starts picturing him as a frog.

      I felt it wasn't about him being desperate for a date, but more that he got a kick out of being a prince for a night. I know, still pretty creepy I suppose.

      If it ever gets made, I think it would work best if the filmmaker uses a whimsical, fantasy tone, sort of like the opening scenes (and music) of The Hobbit. Because yes, it would be nice if people could be amused by what it is and not dig too deeply into the details.
      If you had no space restrictions, the best story here might be "Why does this dude lack self-esteem or self-confidence to show who he really is?" Although, I guess that might be a little too Beauty and the Beast with the Beast just being a guy with a poor self-image. That does sort of turn the princess thing on its head though and might steer people away from the creepiness factor.

      I guess you could also have the prince do something a whole lot less than sleeping with the chick.
      On Twitter @DeadManSkipping

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      • #18
        Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

        Damn, I'm sorry that I was not in this contest.

        I was planning to enter, but I had too many "day job" bureaucratic tasks going on early in February, things that involved writing, but not the kind of writing that I would have preferred to be doing.

        Next time, I hope.

        I want to thank Derek and everyone else involved in the contest. It seems to have been a real success!

        "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

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        • #19
          Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

          Originally posted by Mr. Earth View Post
          If you had no space restrictions, the best story here might be "Why does this dude lack self-esteem or self-confidence to show who he really is?" Although, I guess that might be a little too Beauty and the Beast with the Beast just being a guy with a poor self-image. That does sort of turn the princess thing on its head though and might steer people away from the creepiness factor.

          I guess you could also have the prince do something a whole lot less than sleeping with the chick.
          Good idea for how to develop it if I ever expand the story. Thanks again!

          My website:www.marjorykaptanoglu.com

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          • #20
            Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

            Thanks for the comments all.

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            • #21
              Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

              - contest thread seems very quiet at the moment, are people working away at their features?
              Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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              • #22
                Re: Results - Valentine's Day contest

                Depends.
                TRIAL FORUMS


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