Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

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  • #16
    Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

    Originally posted by FoxHound View Post
    The shittiest script won again. Nice to see the trend continuing

    lol, obvious its obvious by my score, I know nothing of what a good script is posed to be.
    "We're going to be rich!" - 1/2 hr COMEDY written/directed/edited by me, I also act in it.
    SUBTITLED
    Episode 1 (Beef pills)
    Episode 2 (African commercial)
    Episode 3 (Brenda's rescue)

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

      Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
      Tomato Soup

      I really dig tomato soup. However, the title struck me as a little odd, so I thought, okay, so maybe it's just a little out there. This shows some the mistakes of early writing and particularly with the dialogue, however, later in, I really liked the jump and transition, I was throw and it got weird and surreal. I think at that point your writer-brain kicked in and you were in the groove, but sadly, rational man returned and the dialogue and end became clunky again.
      This is about dialogue problems. OTN.
      Example:

      JOHN
      You guys were not together. Frankly I did not know about you until you started calling my house with all those threats.


      A bit too OTN -- he's giving the game away and in the vein of information-dump, you have to dress it up and disguise it I feel. It's not the worst example but I felt that sort of missing the mark throughout. I also saw bursts of anger or changes of mood that were too extreme, came out of nowhere. Each sounded the wrong emotional notes for me.

      I see imagination here and just think that it is about writing and rewriting and trying to get that dialogue to flow and speak how people speak, and not say what you think they should say or produce the information the script needs to make sense at that particular juncture. Nothing that cannot be fixed IMHO. Good effort, great reality-jump later in. Well done. A writer with a feel for the surreal.
      I still really dig tomato soup but whenever I have it may takes to looking over my shoulder from now on after that read.

      Entering the contest is worth if if just for this kid of feedback! Thanks so much man, I keep hearing the OTN comments for what I write, and still having the same issues!!!! But I will keep improving, thanks again
      "We're going to be rich!" - 1/2 hr COMEDY written/directed/edited by me, I also act in it.
      SUBTITLED
      Episode 1 (Beef pills)
      Episode 2 (African commercial)
      Episode 3 (Brenda's rescue)

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

        >>I am not convinced that we should even be displaying this kind of entry.<<

        OK, I'm sorry, won't ever happen again. Too much Game of Thrones maybe.

        And I won't be offended if my entry suddenly drops into the ether if it keeps someone in future from being offended.

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

          Very cool! Congrats RG55! Thanks for the great critiques as well. As usual MANY thanks to DPat for his above and beyond works putting this contest together.

          These were the impressions I had as I read them – worth all of two cents.

          Tomato Soup
          A little clunky for the too long setup for the single gag. I saw that coming early on. Maybe hide the fact that it’s tomato soup – if it’s just soup that Mom’s making and then at the end reveal it’s tomato soup it might not telegraph the big end.

          An Incident at the Lighthouse
          Nice piece, good concept and characters. I like the reluctant hero and good triumphing over evil. Good action work with the staccato description. Got all of the bonus items in a well built story. The ending took me a second to connect Penny and Sister Penelope.

          Little Visitor
          Needs something. Lots of description of little unimportant details – Taking pills covers half a page that could have been used to give more detail to the doll or explain how movers only delivered one box. This one had me asking more questions than it answered.

          Unravel
          Neat idea – Night Court meets the Universal Monsters that suddenly turns left and goes into what the hell is this? Yodel? George Lucas? Just didn’t get it.

          Beaver Creek
          Properly bizarre and well told. Gets a little confusing when you can’t tell who’s high, who’s alive and who’s dead. I want a reason for the siblings to kill people, or did Mike really kill them and they are just spirits?

          Halloween Morning
          Other than the title and one unfilmed line of description, there’s nothing that happens to let you know it’s Halloween. Beyond that I like it. Even sounds plausible with the recent hacking of car computers that’s going on.

          Shadow Beast
          Well written, spooky, good set up, really good description. Didn’t dig the Twilight Zone ending. The one problem I’ve always had with TZ is they get to the end and then don’t solve the puzzle they crafted – what happened and why? I hate being left hanging.

          The Bigger the Sin
          Well, this was warped in more ways than one. While all the Staci, Laci, Traci… was cute it was also pretty confusing as to who was who. Fine, if you’re doing a Stepford Wives bit where they are all interchangeable but I think that defeats the point of multiple characters.

          Monster
          Nice piece, good set-up and carry through. A little too large a hat tip to Monsters, Inc. but in no way is that a bad thing.

          Hell Dame
          Takes a long time to get to the meat of it – lots of exposition to get through rather than showing how the curse/invitation/problem happens. And then it just kind of peters out.

          Found Footage
          Needs a good proofread – lots of typos, format errors – capitalize names first time through.
          This is a confusing story for me – it feels like it goes back and forth and jumps around between the camper and trailer and I had a hard time figuring out where the action was happening. Just too much confusion for me.

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

            Originally posted by Mpimentel View Post
            Entering the contest is worth if if just for this kid of feedback! Thanks so much man, I keep hearing the OTN comments for what I write, and still having the same issues!!!! But I will keep improving, thanks again
            It's quite hard to give reviews because I try to jump over immediately after reading as that is when the "vibe and flow and feel " of the piece is still in my mind.
            Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

              Thanks to those who voted and those who offered congratulations and comments.

              I'm firmly in the outlining side but for this it was almost a free-flow and I had some fun discovering what might happen when two Nuns walk into a bar.

              I'm a bit surprised almost nobody took up the task to use the suggested elements; I took it as an a useful exercise for when one writes a commissioned screenplay. Seems like a good idea for future contests.

              Cheers.

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                Hey, Road Warrior, now you understand why it was The Lighthouse and not, say--Devil's Cauldron.

                But I did describe the bar : A typical-fake Irish bar, wood and polished brass. On the wall above the counter a scaled-down Lighthouse model, complete with light.

                Cheers.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                  Originally posted by RG55 View Post
                  Thanks to those who voted and those who offered congratulations and comments.

                  I'm firmly in the outlining side but for this it was almost a free-flow and I had some fun discovering what might happen when two Nuns walk into a bar.

                  I'm a bit surprised almost nobody took up the task to use the suggested elements; I took it as an a useful exercise for when one writes a commissioned screenplay. Seems like a good idea for future contests.

                  Cheers.
                  Yeah, I skimmed over that part and just thought it was a joke about cliches... which it kind of was, but yeah.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                    Originally posted by RG55 View Post
                    Hey, Road Warrior, now you understand why it was The Lighthouse and not, say--Devil's Cauldron.

                    But I did describe the bar : A typical-fake Irish bar, wood and polished brass. On the wall above the counter a scaled-down Lighthouse model, complete with light.

                    Cheers.
                    Yeah, that's right, I slipped up didn't I. Missed the bonus point details, but, in defence, I might have preferred to see a lighthouse heavyweight paperweight behind the bar, used later in the story to bump a character over the head perhaps, and preferred that the bar was named something like: "The Drink in here and all types of horrid horror film things are likely to happen to you, Saloon" instead.
                    Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                      Originally posted by RG55 View Post
                      I'm a bit surprised almost nobody took up the task to use the suggested elements; I took it as an a useful exercise for when one writes a commissioned screenplay. Seems like a good idea for future contests.
                      Me too! And yep that was exactly the intention, kinda riffing off "scripts wanted" type ads.
                      Results posted for the Halloween 2020 contest
                      in Writing Exercises forum

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                        Originally posted by Shutout View Post
                        Yeah, I skimmed over that part and just thought it was a joke about cliches... which it kind of was, but yeah.
                        Oh, yes. I even put in a Refusal Of The Call and also a Save The Kate moment.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                          Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
                          Yeah, that's right, I slipped up didn't I. Missed the bonus point details, but, in defence, I might have preferred to see a lighthouse heavyweight paperweight behind the bar, used later in the story to bump a character over the head perhaps, and preferred that the bar was named something like: "The Drink in here and all types of horrid horror film things are likely to happen to you, Saloon" instead.
                          Well, this lighthouse did bump a character too, didn't it?

                          Sorry, the Dismemberment & Buckets Of Blood Pub will have to wait for another day.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                            Originally posted by dpaterso View Post
                            Me too! And yep that was exactly the intention, kinda riffing off "scripts wanted" type ads.
                            Righto. And it's not the worse idea you've ever had.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: Results - Halloween 2015 fun short screenplay contest

                              Originally posted by Shutout View Post
                              Yeah, I skimmed over that part and just thought it was a joke about cliches... which it kind of was, but yeah.
                              Me too. It was't until reading the entries and I got to the 3rd appearance of a '68 Charger that I figured out I missed the Dukes of Hazard thematic add-on.

                              Comment

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