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  • #16
    Re: April Fool's results

    Schmuck Schuck-- So yes, for the Englishmen, the title is a play on Duck Duck Goose, a playground circular kind of game where you pick someone to sit in the middle--the goose. It was a play on the idea of "it's your turn to be the goose" or in this case, it's Curtis' turn to be the schmuck... only it doesn't turn out to be the case. I hope I made it clear that the office prankster (Curtis,) in fact, DOES win the million dollar house; I hope the readers figured that out. (I later I realized it could be read (and I could have written it) that Curtis just has PRETENDED to have gotten the call and that he doesn't even win but pretends to just to get a joke on Jeffrey, the jerk.)

    I wrote Jeffrey to be immature, jealous and a showoff (i.e. push ups) so the reader could be glad that he didn't win at the end. It was a double bummer for him because by pushing Curtis to buy a ticket [that Curtis had no intention of buying], the joke was on Jeffrey. I don't think I showed clearly that for a millisecond, Jeffrey thinks that maybe Curtis will share the winning with him....

    This was a fun exercise for me. Thanks to all who both wrote and read... and especially Dpat for your efforts (congrats!).

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    • #17
      Re: April Fool's results

      Originally posted by SBdeb View Post
      I hope I made it clear that the office prankster (Curtis,) in fact, DOES win the million dollar house; I hope the readers figured that out.
      First time I read I thought he won the house. On a second read I thought he was joking and playing the prank on the guys. Actually I prefer this last option.
      Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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      • #18
        Re: April Fool's results

        Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
        But you know, I took a risk and worked it through in my notes initially and it was very abstract - yes. If it failed to achieve the right effect, that may well be my fault, that's the risk and it's part of the learning curve.
        You have to take a risk now and then, and this was a harmless place to try it. The point of an "exercise" is probably to do things outside your comfort zone, or things you've never tried to do before, maybe for the purpose of seeing what works, what doesn't, and how to improve. Applaud you for trying something new and different.

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        • #19
          Re: April Fool's results

          Originally posted by Mpimentel View Post
          The Successor
          I already like this... I picture this perfectly. I would suggest changing those unfilmables to filmables.
          EX: Tyron looks deeply into Laura's eyes. That's what he wanted
          to hear.
          Could be: He sighs with relief.
          EX: Laura tries to read her husband's mind
          Could be: Laura stares at her husband intently.
          A few misspells but again, that's expected in these rush jobs in contests.
          Ahaaa! Did not expect that end. Well done sir or madam, very much enjoyed this read. (This ended up being my first pick)
          Writing style
          9/10
          Story
          8/10
          Hi Mpimentel, thanks a lot for your feedback! Really appreciated, I know it was not easy to send everything.
          About the unfilmables, I still don't think those are truly unfilmables because the actors can get that reaction in camera. Another thing would be that scripts should give no direction to actors, but I disagree with that. For example:
          "Laura tries to read her husband's mind" is not the same as "Laura stares at her husband intently". On the seconds we get the intensity but there are many kinds of intensity. She's a clever person and is trying to guess what her husband is thinking. Probably "stares at him intently" could mean exactly that... or a dozen other things.

          This is a subject that always intrigues me. What are the rest of the writers' opinion about unfilmables? where is the line between filmable and unfilmable?
          Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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          • #20
            Re: April Fool's results

            Originally posted by dpaterso View Post
            The Successor
            I thought this was clever and smooth, I could see it as a short film, or part of a Syfy TV series, or something, it gets a vote.
            Thank you, dpaterso, I think you are right. Specially if you dig in that strange society with Supreme Leaders, there may be a bigger story there.
            Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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            • #21
              Re: April Fool's results

              Originally posted by Crayon View Post
              And very well done 14001; especially for your two-contests-in-a-row consistency.
              THE SUCCESSOR
              CONCEPT: 3/5
              EXECUTION: 3/5
              TOTAL SCORE: 6/10
              NOTES: Good descriptions. Not an altogether convincing plot setup, yet still found it engaging. The table seating arrangements/movements don't add up. A few writing errors.
              This got my vote for 2nd.
              Thank you very much, Crayon. You know that voting is very subjective, sometimes people like a script and the second, that is nearly as good or more, stays in the shadows.
              Thanks for your feedback. I know that movements on the table do not add much to the story. Personaly I dislike static scenes, they tend to be boring. With the movement I just wanted the Assisstant to get closer to Tyron and so, more annoying.
              Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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              • #22
                Re: April Fool's results

                Originally posted by SBdeb View Post
                The Successor--great ending. good set up. I was thrown at the end, so that's cool (but then again, that's not very hard to do). Some of the characters could have been fleshed out a bit more, IMHO.
                Hi SBdeb, thanks a lot for your comments. I think I could have developed Tyron and Laura a bit more. Why this is so important for them, for example. Lack of space and well, I guess there's always a way.
                Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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                • #23
                  Re: April Fool's results

                  Thanks for the criticism folks, Crayon, SBdeb, and 14001, did I miss anybody, the thread has moved on very quickly. I really enjoy the criticism stage.

                  14001- no, it wasn't really aimed in a nasty way at the reader, not at all, more of a wink and a nudge. I don't really like April Fools' in terms of what it stands for, it's just.... well, a very silly event indeed. Pointless. I just wanted to avoid it on some level perhaps.

                  And a bit predictable... maybe... maybe... in terms of the direction it sent many of us, but maybe that's because it's a new genre for us and people are still thinking about the potential stories and direction to take. Maybe.

                  Hmm, Crayon, it was a strange museum, with one painting (borrowed?) from the Museo Del Prado and bunch of modern art pieces, but it was a fictional place of convenience. I'd thought about but dismissed those sort of accuracies.
                  I really enjoy Goya, never got comfortable with him, I've tried and failed to read the Robert Hughes book a couple of times.
                  Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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                  • #24
                    Re: April Fool's results

                    Originally posted by SBdeb View Post
                    I read these all rather quickly, so any that were more elaborate (that's you Goya!) probably didn't stand a chance with me. I just needed it to be pretty cut and dry. Due to my quick reading I know I missed important things, so apologies.

                    (1) Interstella - Loved the idea of AI playing a joke. ( I'm totally not as smart as mpimentel who knew what was happening because of the theme ) I rather liked the concept of the computer wondering how to become more human... this struck me. I also liked how it wasn't terrribly horribly crazily sci fi as that would have been hard for me to follow... It was basic stuff that a normal person like me could understand enough to follow the story.. (Was unsure how much damage the astronaut was doing at the end though, don't those computers keep her alive?) For a short, for this theme, and with all the AI stuff being so topical today, I thought this was a good idea, though I think from what I've seen of Dpat's page, he didn't try to stretch himself too much.... But hey, that's ok and it was a fun read!

                    Anyway, I'm waffling on again into a monster post... what is it with these fingers and this keyboard.


                    (2) The Successor--great ending. good set up. I was thrown at the end, so that's cool (but then again, that's not very hard to do). Some of the characters could have been fleshed out a bit more, IMHO.

                    (3) IN and Out. So I chose this for # 3. I like the analogy and the attempt at something deeper. (Did not understand what Brian's wasted youth was about though). I liked the narrator and frankly, I like 'God's the biggest prankster.' True that!!! (I believe it maybe was the writer's way of pulling the story to the theme of April 1?) Overall, I thought this was a pretty cool idea and there were some deep elements that needed more space to flesh out.


                    Goya's Dog--didn't get. I'm sorry, I wasn't very patient and I don't like art. I did open the link to see the art piece in hopes that would inspire me. I didn't understand all the directions to the reader either.

                    Rex-- Fun idea and grabbed me immediately. No, it was not politically correct, still.... Good imagery. Probably didn't need as many episodes for us to get the gag before the ending too. But my biggest problem with it was the idea of the two sticking together after all the taunts/jokes kept me from believing the continued relationship. What could have changed this? How could I have understood it? Maybe if the man had done ONE important/kind thing for the dinosaur? Or shown in some fashion why they hung together I guess? Funny ending though but i still couldn't get through that sticking point...

                    April 1rst was hard for me. Was April a werewolf? Thus the clacking of her teeth? Where did April get the strength and motivation to kill the guy? why did her dad leave her in the first place? IF she was a werewolf, then it was a fun surprise. I don't tend to like vampire/werewolf stuff, so it would have been a stretch to get my vote but a great shocker if she was one.


                    Trickster --I could see value in the concept of this--a little old town is thrown into chaos each year on April 1 and the town hires detectives to track them down... I think with more time it could have worked more satisfyingly probably. The English names threw me--very difficult for me to say in my head and because they were so unique I wouldn't know if they were women/men or pets. (Shandy was a dog? ) I never got who the trickster was--was he the surfer kid? PS-I see it was the girl .. funny, how the dumb detective couldn't figure it out with the yellow pad clue!! Some exposition kind of bugged me, i.e.:

                    TRISTRAM When did the Trickster first appear Mr Furiosi? ORLANDO FURIOSI Let me see, well, it was back in 1972 that we first got reports in our town. That was five years ago. First of all it was water mixed with a harmless white dye on cafe tables instead of milk. Then it was jokes ....


                    Oh yes, I'd forgotten all about Tristram and Shandy. Or Tristram Shandy. Guilty, that was another intended joke, or wink, a novel about digression with occasional blank pages.
                    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Li...ndy,_Gentleman

                    I actually knew somebody once with dog called Shandy, I've just remembered that. Bizarre - I didn't think about that at the time of writing.

                    Yes, the work student detective understood who she must have been but he quite fancied her so he let her walk on by. That was the idea at least. Originally, I had her change the paper for a white sheet, she screws up the yellow paper and puts it back in her backpack, but I deleted it and it became too obvious.

                    And that dialogue bugged the hell out of me too. It was intended to do two things, tell you what period this was set in because the film Deep Throat is mentioned later, and I didn't want mobile/cell phones in this script.... so 1972 was a few years before that. I believe that DT was released sometime in the late seventies. I didn't check. But the Mayor was supposed to speak really bad dialogue, that sort of 'lets sit down and I'll tell you a story..." feel. It was intended to make the audience groan. This is the thing, I was kind of messing with rules, but maybe if I'd been more clear about how we've got a clich├ęd character in place, that would have worked? I don't know.

                    I broke every rule I could, you see, names of characters that were very ill-fitting, dodgy dialogue, plot devices, it's risky and didn't work, it seems, but that was what I'd intended throughout.

                    If I'd had more time, I'd have written different drafts and tried more things out, most of the Trickster and Trickster2 stuff would have been thrown, yes, the endings were pretty abysmal and vague.

                    I pretty much hated the titles myself, Trickster, so annoying and a young girl or women (yes Crayon) doesn't seem like the Trickster, but maybe that's because the town named him/her and she had no say in it. Meta as a name was such a clanger but I wanted it to be a hint of what was going on.

                    It would have been nice to polish and develop the T and T2 scripts, you were the reader who said you liked the idea of mayhem once a year on April 1st.

                    That was my very first scribbling in my notes.

                    I had a problem though, it seemed like too short a time period (one day or morning) to do the damage she became involved in or things she set up to fail... when would she operate, I thought? ....day or night or both, wouldn't they be ready for her, if she moved towns, she was always the stranger and therefore a suspect, granted, a younger woman may not arouse suspicion, so.....

                    So then it became..... the idea that she kind of [entered] the world every say, four years or on a leap year or something, and then wreaked havoc for a year, as in April 1 2016 to April 1 2017 much like the devil perhaps released for a period of days to do this worst, and then have the team chasing her across the Mid-West for that whole year to solve all those time issues and the number of jokes and pranks...

                    ... the other approach is to hope that people just didn't spot those issues of time and number of gags. And she seemed to know how to tamper with cars and mechanical devices, where did she get that from.... it goes on and on when you really get into it.
                    Last edited by The Road Warrior; 04-03-2016, 06:14 AM.
                    Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

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                    • #25
                      Re: April Fool's results

                      Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
                      14001- no, it wasn't really aimed in a nasty way at the reader, not at all, more of a wink and a nudge. I don't really like April Fools' in terms of what it stands for, it's just.... well, a very silly event indeed. Pointless. I just wanted to avoid it on some level perhaps.
                      Hi Road Warrior, sorry for my poor word choosing. I know you didn't mean to play a prank on the readers. I was a bit surprised by the story and I just simply couldn't make it fit into an April Fools theme but there can be other reasons.

                      I appreciate you trying something different. Maybe I'm too bent by the rules of "what should be right" and I forget that trying new things is the great way to achieve something amazing. You can see that a lot in film making these days. Movies are "more, bigger, faster", but not "necessarily "better". So... respect for you.

                      I also dislike the concept of April Fools. It's ok to play nice pranks as long as everyone, including the victim, laughs.
                      Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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                      • #26
                        Re: April Fool's results

                        Originally posted by 14001 View Post
                        Hi Road Warrior, sorry for my poor word choosing. I know you didn't mean to play a prank on the readers. I was a bit surprised by the story and I just simply couldn't make it fit into an April Fools theme but there can be other reasons.

                        I appreciate you trying something different. Maybe I'm too bent by the rules of "what should be right" and I forget that trying new things is the great way to achieve something amazing. You can see that a lot in film making these days. Movies are "more, bigger, faster", but not "necessarily "better". So... respect for you.

                        I also dislike the concept of April Fools. It's ok to play nice pranks as long as everyone, including the victim, laughs.
                        Ah, don't worry, I was just clarifying!

                        Anyway, is it April Fool's or April Fools' --- I had it down as the former but on some web sites, it's been written in the plural, it seems. I thought the fool was the person it was directed against, in the singular.

                        I think that it's okay to try things out, and I don't mind it not being acceptable, or even, not working. If it were baseball, and I was the guy throwing the ball, is that the pitcher, during practice, instead of throwing it as directly as I can, I might try a few other angles, or twist my wrist in a different way just see what that does, so that if anything, it may give me a better appreciation for how the ball travels on a straight line.

                        I don't know, it might just send the ball curving off out of the park, or it may even end up in the crowd, but you know...
                        Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: April Fool's results

                          Originally posted by 14001 View Post
                          Thank you very much, Crayon. You know that voting is very subjective, sometimes people like a script and the second, that is nearly as good or more, stays in the shadows.
                          Thanks for your feedback. I know that movements on the table do not add much to the story. Personaly I dislike static scenes, they tend to be boring. With the movement I just wanted the Assisstant to get closer to Tyron and so, more annoying.
                          I try to vote as objectively as possible.

                          When I said that the table seating movements "don't 'add up" it means they don't follow; they're not consistent: Tyron and Laura are together on one side of the table - the Assistant is on the other side of the table - the Lady who goes to the restroom is seated next to the Assistant - but when the Assistant returns to the table he "takes the seat that the lady left, right next to Laura" - so the vacant seat somehow switched sides of the table. And a little later, the Assistant is seated next to Laura and opposite Tyron at the same time. And then Tyron grabs and lifts up the Assistant from the opposite side of the table. But that's fixable.

                          For me, the major problem is that the plot setup is not convincing. Even if it's set far in the future, or in some parallel universe, it's not credible that a populace of humans wouldn't know what their leader looks like. I'm not aware of any culture, contemporary or historic, in which a leader's appearance is completely unknown. It contradicts human nature. However, specific to your story, the current leader has always concealed his appearance, but then he reveals it when announcing his successor, and does so in a way that publicly reveals his successor's appearance. Why the radical change in 'supreme leader' policy? It's too much of a contrivance for me to suspend disbelief. But hey, I guess it can be overlooked in a comedy short.
                          Know this: I'm a lazy amateur, so trust not a word what I write.
                          "The ugly can be beautiful. The pretty, never." ~ Oscar Wilde

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                          • #28
                            Re: April Fool's results

                            Originally posted by Crayon View Post
                            I try to vote as objectively as possible.
                            What I mean with this is that someone can love a script and someone else can hate it, who knows.

                            Originally posted by Crayon View Post
                            When I said that the table seating movements "don't 'add up" it means they don't follow; they're not consistent: Tyron and Laura are together on one side of the table - the Assistant is on the other side of the table - the Lady who goes to the restroom is seated next to the Assistant - but when the Assistant returns to the table he "takes the seat that the lady left, right next to Laura" - so the vacant seat somehow switched sides of the table. And a little later, the Assistant is seated next to Laura and opposite Tyron at the same time. And then Tyron grabs and lifts up the Assistant from the opposite side of the table. But that's fixable.
                            I see your point although there's a logic to the positions that explain the movements, maybe I didn't explain well enough. Noted.

                            Originally posted by Crayon View Post
                            For me, the major problem is that the plot setup is not convincing. Even if it's set far in the future, or in some parallel universe, it's not credible that a populace of humans wouldn't know what their leader looks like. I'm not aware of any culture, contemporary or historic, in which a leader's appearance is completely unknown. It contradicts human nature. However, specific to your story, the current leader has always concealed his appearance, but then he reveals it when announcing his successor, and does so in a way that publicly reveals his successor's appearance. Why the radical change in 'supreme leader' policy? It's too much of a contrivance for me to suspend disbelief. But hey, I guess it can be overlooked in a comedy short.
                            Totally agreed and actually I was thinking about the same dilemma when I wrote it. If the Supreme Leader is a secret persona, why does he announce the next one so happily? The explanation is that this a policy of this particular Supreme Leader. I know, it's a bit thin, I thought the same as you. I chose the "least bad" solution.
                            Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

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