The Shack - Halloween Short

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  • The Shack - Halloween Short

    Title: The Shack
    By: Jesse Stilwell AKA HeatMagnet AKA herf
    Date: October 20th, 2004.
    Length: Barely 7 pages in Final Draft 6 at 125% zoom.

    Code:
     
    
                   FADE IN:
    
    
    
                   INT. OLD SHACK - NIGHT
    
                   The interior is old, dusty, and moonlit through a hole that
                   over the years, has rotted into the roof.  The wind blows
                   calmly in, but hard enough to rattle some of the tools
                   hanging from the ceiling. A soft, droning, and almost eerie
                   WAILING bounces from wall to wall.
    
                   A CHILD'S SCREAM echoes from what at any glance, is
                   nothingness.
    
    
    
                   EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE OLD SHACK - NIGHT
    
                   BOBBY SUE and DILLON walk from the woods, hand-in-hand. 
                   Bobby Sue is a striking young beauty who's face was made for
                   TV.  Her hoop skirt flows back and forth with her stride. 
                   Dillon is dressed as a 50's greaser, his potent arrogance
                   suits the look well.
    
                   With the shack in view, the couple stops in their tracks. 
                   Bobby Sue looks at Dillon as if though she's about to ask him
                   an important question.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             Where's the Halloween party?  All I
                             see is a stupid shack.
    
                   Dillon grins at her mischievously.
    
                                       DILLON
                             The party..
                             (beat)
                             Is just me, you, and that shack,
                             baby.
    
                   Bobby Sue dons a look of putrid disgust.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             Dillon! We're not even going steady
                             yet.
    
                   Dillon tries to do his best Fonzie voice.
    
                                       DILLON
                             Heeeeyyy!
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             And stop doing that stupid voice. 
                             I can't believe you made me put on
                             a costume just to make out.
    
                   Dillon laughs at her and continues to do the voice three or
                   four more times.
    
                                       DILLON
                             Look, you would have never come up
                             here with me if I didn't tell you
                             there was a party.  I just wanted
                             some alone time with you, for once.
    
                   Bobby Sue looks anywhere but at Dillon.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             Look Dillon, I like you and all,
                             and I don't mind making out with
                             you and stuff, but that shack is
                             creepy.  You know what the rumor is
                             about it?
    
                                       DILLON
                             Yeah, sure, some old farmer guy
                             killed his old lady in it.
                             (beat)
                             So what?
    
                   Bobby Sue is mortified.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             His old lady?  So what?  You can be
                             a real jerk sometimes.  I'm not
                             going near that thing.
    
                                       DILLON
                             It was just a rag house, anyway. 
                             He probably didn't even kill her in
                             it.
    
                   Bobby Sue looks at him inquisitively.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             What's..
                             (beat)
                             A rag house?
    
                   Dillon snickers and grins.
    
                                       DILLON
                             That's where old this-is-how-i-grew
                             up type men back in the day sent
                             their wives when they were on the
                             rag.  Hey, if we get married, I can
                             build one for you!
    
                   She shoots him the most demonic look ever conceived from the
                   eyes of a human.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             You..
                             (beat)
                             You watch it.  I'm not even sure if
                             I want to touch you right now, let
                             alone marry you.
    
                                       DILLON
                             I was just kidding, baby.
                             (beat)
                             We'll designate you a closet in our
                             house somewhere.
    
                   Bobby Sue smacks his arm so hard, the ECHOES can be heard for
                   a mile.
    
                   He laughs out loud and rubs his arm.
    
                                       DILLON
                             Come on, baby.  Just for a little
                             while.  I promise nothing bad will
                             happen.  Scout's honor.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             You're too much of a dick to have
                             ever been a scout.
    
                   She stamps her feet playfully as if the decision is a hard
                   one.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             Fine!  I swear to God if this is a
                             trick, the next one will be a punch
                             and it won't be your arm.
    
                   Dillon hastily pecks her cheek and heads towards the shack
                   with her in tow.
    
    
    
                   INT. OLD SHACK - NIGHT
    
                   The door creaks open, revealing Bobby Sue and Dillon
                   cautiously inspecting the inside.  Once they both agree with
                   a synchronous nod of their heads, he grabs her by the waist
                   and pulls her into him.  They start to make out and inch
                   backwards towards an OLD TABLE positioned directly in the
                   center of the room.
    
                   They stop making out.  Dillon looks longingly into Bobby
                   Sue's eyes.
    
                                       DILLON
                             I love you, Bobby Sue.
    
                   She giggles gleefully and kisses him softly on the lips,
                   pulls back.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             You're a sweety.  I love you too.
    
                   Dillon inches up her hips, revealing skin as her blouse
                   lifts.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             Wait!
    
                   Dillon sighs frustratingly.
    
                                       DILLON
                             What-Why?
    
                   Bobby Sue takes her shoes off.  Dillon looks confused.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             Didn't want to dig my heels into
                             you.
    
                   Dillon smirks and continues. An old and raspy woman's voice
                   SCREAMS OUT.
    
                                       GHOST
                             GET OFF OF MY DAUGHTER, YOU OLD
                             PIG.
    
                   Screaming children's voices fill the shack, so loud that the
                   terror doesn't overtake the couple before they seize the
                   opportunity to cover their ears.
    
                   Bobby Sue freezes, completely in shock, with her ears still
                   covered.  Dillon is shaken up, but maintains enough composure
                   to grab Bobby Sue, run to the door, and try kick it down.
    
                                       GHOST
                             OH NO YOU DON'T!
                             (beat)
                             YOU LET HER GO!
    
                   Dillon kicks with all his might until the door finally
                   shatters.
    
                                       GHOST
                             LET HER GO!
    
    
    
                   EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE OLD SHACK - NIGHT
    
                   Dillon runs out of the shack, heads for the woods in which
                   they originally came from.  Bobby Sue, on pure instinct, is
                   running behind him.
    
                   The source of the voice, in the form of an invisible entity,
                   grabs Dillon by the neck and hurls him back into the shack
                   with a major league pitcher's precision, backwards.
    
    
    
                   INT. OLD SHACK - NIGHT
    
                   Dillon, now situated up against the back wall of the shack,
                   painfully fights to get his feet back under him.  He manages
                   to briefly get back up but then falls back down.
    
                   He screams in pain.
    
                                       DILLON
                             AHHHH!
                             (beat)
                             MY lEG!
    
                   Bobby Sue's figure appears in the door, but she is not on her
                   feet either.  She's being carried like a baby back into the
                   shack.  Dillon, horrified, tries to drag himself to his
                   hovering girlfriend.
    
                                       DILLON
                             Bobby Sue..
    
                   The ghost stomps on his hand.
    
                                       GHOST
                             YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS
                             NAME, BUT SHE'S GOOD ENOUGH TO
                             BED!?
    
                   Bobby Sue is a crying wreck, completely unaware of what
                   exactly is going on.  Dillon grabs his mashed hand with his
                   other and wails.
    
                   The children that were screaming before are now LAUGHING at
                   the same volume.
    
                                       CHILDREN
                             He doesn't deserve to live, momma! 
                             (beat)
                             Hang him!
                             (beat)
                             Hang him!
    
                   Dillon begins to gasp for air as he is lifted from his neck,
                   by nothing.  He is thrown around the room some more before
                   finally, the ghost lets him back down to tie a noose out of
                   some rope is hanging from the wall.
    
                                       BOBBY SUE
                             WHY? NO! 
                             (beat)
                             DON'T!
    
                   Bobby Sue begs for the life of Dillon as he lay motionless,
                   strewn out on the floor.
    
                   The noose is formed, what appears to be instantaneously in
                   mid-air.  Bobby Sue stops pleading, inches down a wall, and
                   is seated on the cold wooden floor.  She holds her face in
                   her hands, rocks back and forth, and sobs.
    
                                       GHOST
                             YOU'LL NEVER YELL AT ME AGAIN, YOU
                             BASTARD!
    
                   The same unseen force that threw Dillon back into the shack
                   is now clinched around his neck.  It pulls and his jugular is
                   ripped open, spewing blood all over the shack, including on
                   Bobby Sue.  Dillon briefly gasps but his ability to do so is
                   halted by blood shortly after.
    
                   Oblivious, Bobby Sue continues to rock back and forth.
    
                   Dillon's pupils dilate, glared upon by the moon's glow, as
                   he's hoisted to and through the roof.  The ghost entangles
                   his head into the noose's loop and throws him down with
                   exactly the same force it threw him into the shack with.
    
                   He is instantly decapitated.  His body falls motionlessly
                   back to the ground, into the wall, while his head rolls over
                   in front of Bobby Sue to a position that makes it appear as
                   though he's staring at her.
    
                   The children's egging on dies down and Bobby Sue is left in
                   silence, rocking back and forth.
    
                   Her hair begins to move as though being stroked by a phantom.
    
                   The ghost, no longer screaming, speaks to her with the
                   soothing, yet eerily raspy, voice of a caring mother.
    
                                       GHOST
                             It's ok, Jeanie.  He won't be able
                             to hurt us ever again.
                             (beat)
                             I promise.
    
                   Bobby Sue looks up, still sobbing, and her eyes tell the
                   story of the night's events in terrorized correlation.
    
                   FADE TO BLACK

  • #2
    Just a
    (beat)
    word of advice...
    (beat)
    you don't REALLY need
    (beat)
    so many damn beats
    (beat)
    in your script.

    I lost interest in the script after the third (beat). I then went and counted - you've got ELEVEN of them in your script. That comes out to an average of almost 2 per page (which I suppose is good if you're trying to pad your script to make it bigger than it normally would be :rolleyes ).

    I'll try and re-read the script and judge it based on the other merits... but for God's sake, lay off the damn beats. Think of it like the extra-spicy sauce you'd put into a spaghetti sauce - you put in too much of it, and people will get sick of it.

    Comment


    • #3
      Well, it allows me to enter dialgue on one line instead of cluttering the script with tag lines, while still maintaining some form of direction in said dialogue. Wasn't using them as filler, promise.

      Comment


      • #4
        Err, one block, not one line.

        Comment


        • #5
          Okay, I read through the whole thing… and I gotta say, Iâ€TMm kinda confused about the story. The girl, Bobby Sue (does this story take place in the 50s or something? That was the impression I got, but it doesnâ€TMt come out clear), apparently has no idea what the shack is about, and yet the ghosts inside know her and have some kind of relationship with her… but even that isnâ€TMt explained at the end (is Bobby Sue their daughter? Their MOTHER?)

          Other than that, some things to keep in mind when writing scripts:
          1) I canâ€TMt stress enough again the importance of limiting your (beat)s in your story. You have one sequence where it reads:
          He doesn't deserve to live, momma! (beat) Hang him! (beat) Hang him!
          You can get rid of the (beat) in this sequence, and you lose none of the impact.
          2) JUST LIKE YOU SHOULD LIMIT YOUR BEATS, YOU SHOULD ALSO LIMIT PUTTING YOUR DIALOGUE IN CAPS! Virtually all the time when you want someone to yell something, just adding an exclamation point at the end (or two for added emphasis) should be enough. In one of my shorts, I use caps for ONE word, which accentuates that word, instead of sounding like everyone needs some drops after they finish their dialogue.
          3) Um… you have Dillon about to be killed by hanging by a noose… and then you have his throat ripped open. Pick one or the other, but donâ€TMt rip the kidâ€TMs throat open just for a gratuitous blood splatter shot. (and BTW… if the kidâ€TMs throat is ripped open, I SERIOUSLY doubt heâ€TMd be able to â€-gaspâ€TM â€" maybe gargle, and have blood spurt out, but thatâ€TMs about it). Having his head ripped off my the noose afterwards is unnecessary to the story â€" the kidâ€TMs dead. You could also have had the ghost rip his head off period.
          4) â€Bobby Sue is mortified.†Um, okay… but if sheâ€TMs going to say something afterwards, you donâ€TMt need to TELL the actress that sheâ€TMs supposed to be mortified. Iâ€TMm sure sheâ€TMd be able to figure it out from the dialogue. And you certainly donâ€TMt need to follow it up two lines later with â€Bobby Sue looks at him inquisitively.â€

          Overall, I canâ€TMt say I was impressed with the story itself. Dillon didnâ€TMt seem to have any character to him â€" he just seemed to be a hot-dog who wanted to feel up a girl and couldnâ€TMt think of any place better than a deserted shack in the middle of a forest to do so (thatâ€TMs what the backseat of a car is for lol), and Bobby Sueâ€TMs character seemed to fluctuate wildly â€" one minute sheâ€TMs disgusted and shoots Dillon a â€-demonic lookâ€TM… and two seconds later, sheâ€TMs playfully arguing with him. Still, thatâ€TMs what writing exercises like this are for â€" to learn from our mistakes, and hopefully write better in the future!

          Comment


          • #6
            it allows me to enter dialgue on one line instead of cluttering the script with tag lines, while still maintaining some form of direction in said dialogue
            I'm confused by this as well - how does entering so many (beat)s allow you to enter dialogue on one line? It seems to have the opposite effect to me. And don't worry so much of the 'direction' of the dialogue - the actors are supposed to figure out for themselves how to read the lines with a minimal help from the screenwriter, and the director will likely also have his/her own idea how the scene should play out. The less 'direction' you add to the script, the more it can be judged based on it's merits instead of 'scanning' to the end (which is what I did on my first read through).

            Comment


            • #7
              The girl, Bobby Sue (does this story take place in the 50s or something? That was the impression I got, but it doesnâ€TMt come out clear), apparently has no idea what the shack is about, and yet the ghosts inside know her and have some kind of relationship with her… but even that isnâ€TMt explained at the end (is Bobby Sue their daughter? Their MOTHER?)
              60's. It's halloween and they're dressed up as kids from the 50's, hence the hoop skirt and greaser gear.

              The correlation between Bobby Sue and the ghosts inside is purely accidental. They are reliving a past event. Father (Dillon in his place) gets caught trying to rape the daughter (Bobby Sue in her place). Mother (ghost) freaks out.



              1) I canâ€TMt stress enough again the importance of limiting your (beat)s in your story. You have one sequence where it reads:
              He doesn't deserve to live, momma! (beat) Hang him! (beat) Hang him!
              You can get rid of the (beat) in this sequence, and you lose none of the impact.
              2) JUST LIKE YOU SHOULD LIMIT YOUR BEATS, YOU SHOULD ALSO LIMIT PUTTING YOUR DIALOGUE IN CAPS! Virtually all the time when you want someone to yell something, just adding an exclamation point at the end (or two for added emphasis) should be enough. In one of my shorts, I use caps for ONE word, which accentuates that word, instead of sounding like everyone needs some drops after they finish their dialogue.
              3) Um… you have Dillon about to be killed by hanging by a noose… and then you have his throat ripped open. Pick one or the other, but donâ€TMt rip the kidâ€TMs throat open just for a gratuitous blood splatter shot. (and BTW… if the kidâ€TMs throat is ripped open, I SERIOUSLY doubt heâ€TMd be able to â€-gaspâ€TM â€" maybe gargle, and have blood spurt out, but thatâ€TMs about it). Having his head ripped off my the noose afterwards is unnecessary to the story â€" the kidâ€TMs dead. You could also have had the ghost rip his head off period.
              4) â€Bobby Sue is mortified.†Um, okay… but if sheâ€TMs going to say something afterwards, you donâ€TMt need to TELL the actress that sheâ€TMs supposed to be mortified. Iâ€TMm sure sheâ€TMd be able to figure it out from the dialogue. And you certainly donâ€TMt need to follow it up two lines later with â€Bobby Sue looks at him inquisitively.â€
              1. It's just how I write. I like to use beats instead of commas when the pause it to be longer than a comma signifies. Sorry if it's not to your liking.

              2. Again, it's how I write. Notice, throughout the script, when the two human characters raise their voices, I use exclamation marks. When the ghost screams, I use all caps to signify the volume. I.E. Really loud.

              3. He's in her grasp, ready to be hanged, when something from the past life peeves her about her husband, so she takes his ability to speak before she hangs him.

              4. I'm not telling the actress anything. I'm telling you that she's mortified. I have no intention of ever shooting this.

              5. I wrote it for fun in about 30 minutes. Horror isn't my thing and I don't really care if I win the contest or not. It's 6AM and I'm bored

              The setting was to be creepy on purpose, by Dillon's own planning. It's halloween.

              He is a hot-dog who wanted to feel a girl up.

              View the fluctuations as more playful than serious, as it is what I had in mind while writing it. In all of my relationships, my girlfriends have done that to me at least once. They look dead serious one minute and then they turn out to be doing so in good humor.

              And finally, to each his own, and thanks for your critique

              Comment


              • #8
                Bleh, 70's. I like to read over my posts.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Don't take my critique the wrong way. The two shorts I wrote for this 'contest' I also just cranked out without thinking too much about plot - I just had an idea and ran with them both times (though with the second one, I did have some scenes in mind when I started writing). I'm just letting you know about the (beat) and THE SHOUTING because when you write a full length script, these little idosyncracies might annoy some readers. You might find some readers that don't care, and I could be totally off base. I'm just trying to help you write better is all (lord knows, I could use help every now and again lol)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    horrifying

                    reading this script was a horrifying experience. i don't know if ill ever be able to read a script again. so, in that sense, you did a great job, kiddo.

                    im guessing you are in your early teens and have been writing for less than a year.

                    when you explained the thing about how the ghost thought that it was dad raping another kid, i thought that was great. but too bad thats not really well told in the story. id really concentrate on that idea and write this thing again, rather than teen gratuitous sex/gore.

                    all of the points made by Sledgeh101 are good. too bad you're too stubborn to listen. but as you get older, you'll learn.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: horrifying

                      This is HeatMagnet. For some reason, my posting has been restricted, even though I'm an EZ Supporter. Whatever.

                      --

                      You're guessing wrong. I'm turning 23 the day after Halloween, so thanks for the misplaced patronizing.

                      "id" really consider working on your grammatical deftness before judging anyone on a writer's board. "id" really appreciate it, as "im" fond of apostrophes.

                      I did listen and I've taken his critiques seriously, as they were well formulated thoughts, whereas you just felt the need to attack me based on what you perceived to be my age. Just remember that Ron Howard used to be Opie, kiddo.

                      Now that that's out of the way, on to your "critique", or stoning, or whatever it was.

                      when you explained the thing about how the ghost thought that it was dad raping another kid, i thought that was great.
                      I'm glad you think fathers raping kids is great.

                      but too bad thats not really well told in the story
                      Imaginations are useful. Perhaps your upcoming urban comedy script will showcase yours.

                      Read the script and take it all into account, not a line by line analysis. Every event is meaningful, more precisely, the dialog from the ghost.

                      Now, take into consideration that the ghost was killed many years ago in the shack, as the rumor states. With that being said, you should be able to defeat the idea that the ghost knows the girl somehow. If nothing else, the shack's condition to lend weight to this.

                      Even more obvious, is that the ghost calls Dillon her husband and then calls Bobby Sue her daughter. However, the ghost is pissed off because Dillon has used the wrong name to call out to Bobby Sue.

                      By your own admission, fathers raping daughters is a great idea, so I'd need to leave the gratuity in tact. It doesn't matter that they've not even gotten to sex for it to be gratuity, apparently. Also, please name me a popular horror movie that lacks gratuity by way of gore.

                      With all of this in mind, you should be able to see what direction I was trying to take the script in. You're supposed to be unsure of what's going on until the end when the ghost treats Bobby Sue as her daughter and calls her Jeanie.

                      This is supposed to be the light bulb moment. If it's not, than either you didn't read the script without critique in mind, or I wrote it badly. Either way, I learned from it, so this particular forum gets a gold star of achievement.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: horrifying

                        Goo, your smug-ass replies to many of these Halloween submissions are discouraging. Maybe you should spend the time you take suggesting "fixes" to finish and post your own? I think by now, you've got a penalty box full of writers ready to get back on the ice and smash you into the glass. But if you're like me, that challenge will just make for a better effort. Can't wait to have my socks blown off.

                        This short wasn't difficult to follow. The implied history of the shack was clear to me.

                        My problem with this forum, HeatMagnet, is you get a bunch of hobbyists who have spent years learning format, memorizing guru-speak, and writing fabulously structured crap, dispensing advice with the value of a lint covered Sugar Daddy.

                        When the primary focus of a critique is on beats and CAPS(which didn't hurt the likes of Eszterhas), I'm not so sure how valid that opinion is. Writers and those who criticize them need to focus more on substance.

                        I see the skeleton of a decent short film here. Over time and rewrites, you could have injected better humor, tightened up descriptions for greater impact, and maybe played more with genre cliches.

                        In raw form, one of the more thoughtful entries so far, standing out from the self-amused.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          sincere apology

                          Upon further review, I realize how immature I was in my comments. I sincerely apologize. I'd also like to thank you for correcting my grammatical errors.

                          I found the script to be more engaging after a second reading.

                          Good Luck, and I look forward to reading more from you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: sincere apology

                            My problem with this forum, HeatMagnet, is you get a bunch of hobbyists who have spent years learning format, memorizing guru-speak, and writing fabulously structured crap, dispensing advice with the value of a lint covered Sugar Daddy.
                            Oh, dear Lord, please don't tell me you were referring to me! Why, I'd have to run back to my McKee book and cry in the margins again

                            When the primary focus of a critique is on beats and CAPS(which didn't hurt the likes of Eszterhas), I'm not so sure how valid that opinion is. Writers and those who criticize them need to focus more on substance.
                            I'm glad you bothered to read through my WHOLE post. The first thing about the beats I still think was way excessive. A couple of them here and there, I couldn't care less, nor would I think anyone else. But when you have so many of them in such close proximity to each other, it made it hard for me to read. Maybe I'm off base, and if so I'd welcome a clearing up from people who have sold scripts, so I know what to put in MY own script. As for the other stuff, I still stand by my critiques - I didn't get it, I thought that the violence was gratuitous at best, and it smacked of someone who hasn't written too many scripts yet. If it spoke volumes to you, more power to you. For the record, I also only made my critiques to try and HELP a fellow writer. I'm glad to see you're putting in the same effort here as well. :rolleyes

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: sincere apology

                              Let there be no question, Sledgeh, I read through your post completely.

                              I don't think Heat should have to put up with insults and ego(so kind of you to give him time to fix his beats before your triumphant return), especially when the quality of feedback is so poor.

                              As for the catty sign-off, I offered this writer help in a PM.

                              Comment

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