Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

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  • Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

    Here are the results for the Hot Tubs & Time Machines Contest:
    Code:
                                         1st 2nd 3rd Total
    The Third Option - 14001              1   5       13
    The Long Game - Southern_land                 1    1
    Unneeded - Centos                     2   1   1    9
    The Amazing Story... - Road Warrior           3    3
    Tim's Time Express - StoryWriter      2   1   1    9
    Kronos - Crayon                       1       1    4
    Killing Hitler - dpaterso             1            3
    Join me in offering congrats to 14001 for attracting most votes with The Third Option. Well done that writer. Runner-up congrats to Centos and StoryWriter for your efforts.

    1st place vote = 3 points, 2nd = 2 points, 3rd = 1 point. All the contestants voted, so no need for a voting bonus. Thanks everyone for taking part and making the contest possible.

    For those who didn't score as highly as they might have wished: this doesn't mean your script was crap, it just means this particular group happened to vote for other entries. You've just had practice writing to theme and deadline, which is possibly the main purpose of these little fun contests, so well done for that.

    Comments are invited in this thread. Feel free to tell the world why you think your superior entry should have won!

    For posterity, the discussion thread is here and the entries thread is here.
    Last edited by dpaterso; 09-23-2016, 08:47 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

    Congratulations to 14001! I'll try to get some comments up here tomorrow -- probably not going to be as detailed as last time. Thanks to Road Warrior and dpaterso for setting up this exercise/contest.
    STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

      My votes went like:

      1st - Tim's Time Express
      2nd - The Third Option
      3rd - The Amazing Story...

      And my thoughts went like:

      The Third Option

      I liked this, it's easy to follow and feels as if it would be easy to film, notwithstanding the same actor playing several versions of Peter.

      The Long Game

      I thought this was pretty clever. Maybe just a little bit exposition-y, but this was necessary and tied everything up neatly. No joy for the middle east/Asiatic hordes, though. Pipped at the voting post by other entries. (Added after seeing the votes: I thought this would do better than it did.)

      Unneeded

      I enjoyed the read but by the end I found myself not quite moved enough by the central character, it all felt kinda subdued and more than a little self-centered. That's not meant to be as cruel as it sounds. Alas other entries got the votes.

      The Amazing Story of Davies and his Fabulous Penny Farthing Time Machine

      This wasn't bad, it kept my attention and the time machine was fun. I didn't quite get the closing lines with the arrow, feels like too abrupt an ending, but it still gets a vote.

      Tim's Time Express

      I liked Tim's jaunts through time, which are made funnier somehow by the fact he sleeps through most of them and misses out on knowing they even happened. The guy on the phone at the beginning is puzzling, I never know who this is or why he's involved. But the alien construction worker skit made me crack a smile. Gets a vote.

      Kronos

      An interesting enough read, in places, but it left me wondering what the heck, I just couldn't quite join the dots. Dark Agent?

      Killing Hitler

      Mine. We can't have a time travel contest without Hitler being assassinated, now can we? I feel I did my duty. Shame about the script! Not everybody's cup of tea, alas (thanks for the lone vote!). Maybe I picked the wrong script to submit, I wrote another, but no one else entered 2 scripts, so I thought that might be kinda rude.

      Feel free to tell me why I misunderstood your script completely and should have given it 1st place!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

        Yes, congrats to the winner, 14001, hey - is that the name of robot by the way? sounds like it might be to a Model 14001 - a subtle and dangerous machine from the future?

        So my votes went to:

        1. The Third Option
        2. Unneeded
        3. Kronos


        My general impressions on the entries:

        The Third Option

        I liked the way this entry became ever more complicated, in a way - it was also very witty, humorous, and I don't know if this was the writer's intention but it tickled me, it was a sort of.... mockery of the genre, or even, a comic take on how absurd the choices in such a story quickly become? That achieved something that is quite rare in these exercises, it worked both at the sub-textual level and had me thinking about it after I'd read it. And it made me laugh towards the end and throw up my arms, well done, this is quite rare in these short exercises so that's praise indeed... This was just my reading of it, .... so anyway.... it got my first vote.
        Hmm. Cough, cough, I didn't like the title very much?

        The Amazing Story of Davies....

        Ahhhh....hmmm, mine, a bit of a rush job this, I'm afraid.
        Scribbled out hastily.
        I never got comfortable when writing it to be honest, especially the dodgy motive... if you like... for sending Davies back to the past to recover precious artefacts for his history teacher. And possibly getting injured or killed in the process to the alarm of his fellow pupils.

        Davies here is our mad inventor. BTW: I used the three instances of when windows appear in this piece as a metaphor for travel to a new world.
        Oh Derek, ha ha the end, yeah, yeah, too quick by far and lazy, that arrow, well....... it was something like, the kid is thinking of the implications of why they are there... "time's arrow" - another metaphor.
        I'd stripped it down too far, felt underwritten and unlikely to sucker you in!

        Unneeded

        I've written in my notes.... 'man reviews his life, chucks away the time machine in the end.'

        Hmm... this is a similar theme or approach I felt, to The Third Option, that title btw, "Third Option" was too serious and abrupt for me, sounds like a very serious SF film, maybe that's what bugged me, but............ back to Unneeded. Well written, enjoyed the concept of the time machine, bits n pieces, but despite the controlled and well written aspect, I felt the dialogue slipped into OTN, at times.

        There was something else in this contest, I had to read a few of the scripts, two or three times, to get them, was that the screen, the small blue screen we read on or was there something else stopping me with my reading flow, it happened a few times, with the Hitler scripts, and with most of them, actually?

        However, got my second vote for the solid writing and control of language and overall execution. Yes, hmm, that sort of bottled-up or "introspective" aspect, that Dpat mentioned in his notes, was also something I picked up on too?
        "Unneeded" - a bit of a bland or even depressing title Centos, perhaps?

        Tim's Time Express

        This made me laugh as soon as I saw the title, was this going to be a coach, a coffee bar, what was the "express" ? two sugars please, no......... it was a crappy odd modified car.... so this was very nearly my first vote, but I struggled to find an overall point to the character's journey and somehow that bugged me, l really liked all of the transitions, it was very entertaining in terms of that structure and the transitions, zipping around time in that car, but the why factor, left me bumping it down the voting list, in my final decision. I felt the exchange with the construction workers at the end was a bit ropey, something about the language, if I recall?

        I think I needed something more, narrative arc? some kind of pay off, but it was funny, the falling asleep, I can't quite recall - was this a stoner time travel script?

        All that aside, it was imaginative, well written, and could have won with some tinkering, so good entry.
        Nearly got my vote

        An aside, this was why it was hard to vote in this competition, apart from The Third Option, I was struggling to award my other votes. Kept zipping back and forth.

        Kronos

        This was eerie and imaginative and there was lot of attention to detail in this script. I had a feeling that we weren't being told everything that as going on here, that may have been a wrong impression, it did send me back to reread, but the darker aspects to this script and the fact that it was a bit unusual got it a vote. I too was not comfortable with 'dark agent,' I wanted to ask, what kind of a dark agent? - was this the devil's messenger?

        There may have been reason that it was left more vague..... but heck, I got the whole sense of weird menace and atmosphere that pervades this piece of writing... and the dark details of going back to right -wrongs.... and thought it probably trumped other scripts on being a bit different so got my third vote. Ahhh- who knows?

        Killing Hitler

        Personal take on script kicked in here, I thought, well darn it, 'I'm not going to vote for any scripts that deal with killing that pesky Hitler fella, or changing history, in some way, where Hitler is involved. Too prohibitive? That seems a bit unfair because we got two very respectable scripts on Hitler, and so............ well.............. that was my choice, with this entry, some nice twists, clones, the same complicating madness that helped to define The Third Option was good, the multiple Hitler's- if I recall.....but I didn't quite believe the hero and his actions once we were at the very end, he sacrificed himself, thought that was handled a bit too predictably, but good effort, all the same.

        The Long Game

        This should have got more votes, imo, it was very well written and structured and had a lot of attention to detail, but again, my Hitler criteria, I was tempted by it for a while, as my number 1 vote, but it was the subject and not the execution, that put me off. I got the cleverness of it, there were a few lines where I felt the writer, in their clear dislike of old Adolf, seemed to pop up and say as much in the script, instead of hiding behind the characters, but all in all - a good effort.

        I'm going to give this a SPECIAL VOTE as the entry that should have done much better. I think Dpat felt the same so that tells me I'm thinking the same thing. One criticism, I felt a bit of OTN dialogue was creeping in here and there.... in places, so to watch out for that in future perhaps.
        Well done Southern land.


        If there's any confusion caused by these notes, please accept my apologies, I was working off my hastily scribbled pencil notes from a few days back and so the entries are not quite as clear in my mind by now!


        ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



        and now for something completely different:

        -just a final note HALLOWEEN, ...........we hear a mad cackle...........is nearly upon us and as soon as the FEEDBACK and remarks period is over.
        We may as well set up a contest for the witching season, whilst everybody is dipping in and likely to see it. You're not too jaded after all that are you guys?
        Last edited by The Road Warrior; 09-24-2016, 04:28 AM. Reason: nneeded
        Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

          Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
          Oh Derek, ha ha the end, yeah, yeah, too quick by far and lazy, that arrow, well....... it was something like, the kid is thinking of the implications of why they are there... "time's arrow" - another metaphor.
          I'd stripped it down too far, felt underwritten and unlikely to sucker you in!
          So noted... kinda makes sense. I wondered if you'd shed a couple of lines just to squeeze it into the 8 pages limit. Like, the next arrow kills one of the boys, and when they return to their own era, they have a new teacher... wearing a Nazi uniform... <clears throat, shuffles sideways towards the exit>

          Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
          Personal thing here, I thought, 'I'm not going to vote for any scripts that deal with killing Hitler, or changing history, in some way, when Hitler is involved.
          You forgot to add the modifier, unless the evil **** gets killed. But you are entitled by law to your choices, no worries with your reasoning.

          Thanks for the comments!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

            Oh, they could have kept Hitler alive and win, to have him triumph is fine, or if they'd wanted..... have grilled or barbecued him, none of that would have been an issue for me......that's writing for you, if it was an alternative history script say, that would have been fine for me!

            It was just a fairly good way to narrow down the options because after my No1 vote, it was hard to distinguish between the next two votes, a reshuffle may have had Killing Hitler in the top 3.

            Monty Python renamed him as..... Mr Hilter.

            It's quite hard to judge these entries and to be fair... I like to look at such things as OTN dialogue, structure, pay-offs, any stylistic or other features that help the writer to successfully express their idea.

            After that, there's just the "feel" of a piece, for example, is it ironic, or does it have a sense of humour, the other Hitler script, not yours...but southern land's script and Crayon's "Kronos", were dark in the sense that there's a dark vibe to the whole piece. "Unneeded" was a bit like that too, I felt at times, that there's something else going on in here, call it tone, or what-have-you, and so that can influence a decision.

            You sometimes go back to your notes and think - is it me or is that tone in there, is that humour there, or is that dialogue a bit too clunky, one other thing, forgot to mention this above, there's often a moment that will throw you out of a script, my winning vote entry had it towards the end, so.............in "The Third Option".

            It threw me out on my ear, ouch! ha ha, when the waitress returned and everybody shouted at her to get out or go away, that action was way too aggressive to sit easy or work at that moment, it was just too abrupt and her serving habits earlier, or interjections or whatever you want to call them, hadn't merited her suddenly being expedited to the level of some nuisance or pest yet- she'd just served them earlier, once, I think, there was no developing relationship.

            Say - if she'd come back eight times and been cheeky and dumb and spilt the tea down somebody's shirt before we got to there, then with a well-time comic entry, that would have then been fine. That timing would be hard to do, they say that don't they, they do, they do, that comedy is all about timing?
            At that point too, must add, that the waitresses hair blowing in reaction to the screams was a piece of comic book illustration that for me seemed out of place in this script, also... (draws breath)

            ..it just ran for me against the flow, vibe, look, call-it-what-you-will of the rest of that otherwise excellent script.

            Okay, exhales now....in a dumb slow voice... just some real close attention to detail there to show the trouble with marking and scoring these things huh....

            Last edited by The Road Warrior; 09-24-2016, 02:43 AM.
            Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

              Hi gentlemen.

              Thanks a lot for your votes, I feel honoured and I'm very glad you generally liked my script. In my case i wanted to try to go simple, since time travel tends to get very complicated very easily.

              My reviews (and you al know the deal, this is subjective, etc.). I will do "as I read" comments and a general review.


              THE LONG GAME
              -
              Same as The Road Warrior, I cring a little when someone goes back in time to kill Hitler. Which is futile even if it was possible because the rule #1 of time travel is "do not touch enything"... or it will be worse. Good period description but the moralistic and racist tone didn't get me.
              -
              I like the period description but the begining is a bit complicated. I don't understand that first line "Intact... physically. Mentally? Who could tell? Freud?". Did he just arrived from time travel? Also things like "his tailored suit normalizes his stature", I don't know how to visualize that... so he wears a suit?
              Small detail: he checks his pistol and then never uses it.
              For the first part of the story nothing much happens. It's nice to see the city at that period, but the character basically walks.
              The first description of the target is complicated, like a riddle. I guess it's a wink to the audience, to see if they guess.
              All those flashbacks are a bit confusing to me and I think they are not necessary.
              "Maniacal eyes". However in this story, Hitler seems quite nice, and some bad guys are attacking him, so he gets my sympathies. And he's brave!
              Conversation with Hitler, although interesting from a pseudo-historical point of view, is a bit boring.
              This part annoyed me a little: so it's bad to kill jewish but muslims are ok. Interesting that a Jew consider other people untermensch just by their race or religion, when that's exactly what nazis considered them. Very cynical, this Weißkopf has many things in common with the Hitler I know.
              So because Hitler is saved by a Jew, he changes his life and he will be good to the Jews (bit not to other races). Too simple.


              UNNEDED
              -
              Well written story but with a weak ending, mostly because I don't see a real reason for the main character to change his attitude from all this years, just because he finds out ellen cries. Got my third vote.
              -
              Nice touch with having to slam several times. Adds to the character and metaphorically, maybe, to the repetition of time (maybe?).
              The characters names choices are extremely confusing. You have Ellen and Allen, then Joe and Joey. At some point I didn't read well and had trouble with the characters' ages. Is there a reason for that? Another time repeating metaphore. The first one I liked, this one I didn't.
              I don't buy the video watching the past. If there's video who handles the camera?
              Why the line "pick only one"? He ends up watching the three videos. It feels a little like A Christmas Carol, with Mr. Scrooge and his three ghosts.
              Good message: what is important in life (time machine here could be anything). But i feel the twist is a bit weak. Just because Allen finds out that Ellen cries a lot doesn't seem enough. If he didn't know, he could guess she was, at least, unhappy.


              THE AMAZING STORY OF DAVIES AND HIS FABULOUS PENNY FARTHING TIME MACHINE
              -
              A Time Goonies stories with potential, but it gets too complicated and I just missed the story line.
              -
              Good start: a mystery with Davis' disappearance.
              How do we know the machine is a time machine? You say it is but if it wasn't for that there's no way I can know until later.
              I'm confused with the location of characters. In the flashback, where is Speake? With Scolder and Davis?
              There's a feel of kids adventure, which is nice.
              Lines like "What was that? Owl." don't help the story, they are unnecessary. Same with "why the desks look so eerie...?".
              After reading for a second time I still don't know what's the story about, or even who is the main protagonist. And I am with dpaterso, didn't get the arrow.


              TIM'S TIME EXPRESS
              -
              Very original concept: a guy falls asleep in his time machine. But the ending seemed too casual for me. Got my second vote.
              -
              It looks like a Do It Yourself version of Back to the Future but running on AAA batteries... fun.
              I like the on your face explanation of how it works: I'm not telling ya!
              The concept is very good: what if a time traveler falls asleep and ends in... who knows? Doesn't that happen in the classic movie "The Time Machine"?
              Those flashy moments when the car appears could have more comedy with the historical characters. After the forest scene the flashes start to get repetitive. Some scenes feel a bit long specially knowing what's going to happen (the car will disappear).
              Very fun that the superpast is like superfuture with those alien guys, I guess, building Earth. Great idea. It puts me off a little, though, that they don't seem too surprised to see Tim and speak the same language with that "hey, dude" attitude. The description of the aliens could be more creative.


              K R O N O S
              -
              Had to read it twice but then I got it. A well written story that has some loopholes and lacks a bit of stakes for the protagonist. All too easy. Got my first vote.
              -
              Good intro description.
              There's a lot of setup in this story, too much maybe. When does the action begin?
              By the way who is he calling bastard?
              Very good descriptions, very atmospheric, but slow. 40% of the story is setup. Let's see who is this dark agent.
              And the agent just goes, who is that?? Did Daniel call him? He just appears?
              Original concept for time travel, no machines, that's good.
              Question... do they see him in the past? It seems like they don't, but still he can do things... like a ghost? this is a bit confusing.
              So I guess the father dies at the beginning and then he goes back in time to - sort of - kill his abusive father and set himself free, with the help of the agent (a coincidence?).
              My main concern about the story is the lack of stakes. Daniel goes back, fixes the past, everybody is happy. Where is the irony or the risk? And why didn't he do this before? Yeah, I know, the agent, but who is that?


              KILLING HITLER
              -
              Action adventure to -again- kill Hitler. Well written and some interesting science fiction concept. I think the characters were a bit hollow: mad Hitler and heroic-know-it-all (American?) guy.
              -
              So nazis know about time travel, or at least Hitler. And then clones... a lot of technology here, great for a B series movie. Maybe too much technology.
              What is an "evil mustache"?
              I find a loophole with Hitler's security. If the plan with the clones is to guarantee his safety, why does he go himself to interrogate Smith? Is there any special reason he has to go himself and not one of his clones? Yes, he wants to know about the future but that's not enough.
              Interesting explanation of the reasons for the rise of Hitler. Mental control. Reality surpasses fiction though. Maybe Donald Trump is doing the same?
              Smith's best quality doesn't seem to be humour and yet he delivers this line about sugar on coffee, out of the blue. Same with the Bond reference.
              Actually I would have liked that he DOES NOT kill Hitler, he was another clone, that would give some irony.
              Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                Originally posted by 14001 View Post
                Thanks a lot for your votes, I feel honoured and I'm very glad you generally liked my script. In my case i wanted to try to go simple, since time travel tends to get very complicated very easily.
                This tactic seems to have worked. Well done, again. And thanks also for taking time to comment.

                Originally posted by 14001 View Post
                I think the characters were a bit hollow: mad Hitler and heroic-know-it-all (American?) guy.
                Not good! So noted.

                Smith's best quality doesn't seem to be humour and yet he delivers this line about sugar on coffee, out of the blue. Same with the Bond reference.
                I figured he knows the game's up, no matter what happens to him, he's a dead man. So he can be as flippant as he wants. Especially knowing he has an ace up his sleeve (literally). I saw/heard him as British; he's calling the Nazi doctor a tea lady, suggesting he's pushing a tea trolley. Alas this witty humor only existed in my head... I should have had the doc ask Hitler, "What does he mean?" and Hitler explaining, "The Englander schweinhund is calling you a tea lady."

                Actually I would have liked that he DOES NOT kill Hitler, he was another clone, that would give some irony.
                I'd like to think that, if you'd watched this movie, at some point when you were driving home you'd have a sudden realization moment -- hopefully not so sudden you swerve all over the road -- that just because the Hitler who's doing the talking thinks he's the original, this doesn't mean he is the original. And that the cheering crowd at the end plus the deranged woman declaring her love for her Fuhrer suggests that despite Smith's (and everyone else's) best efforts to kill the beast...
                I cringe a little when someone goes back in time to kill Hitler. Which is futile even if it was possible because the rule #1 of time travel is "do not touch enything"... or it will be worse.
                ...history rolls on serenely, uncaring of these unimportant little blips.

                But enough of my dull blethering, where's everyone else's thoughts on their entries?!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                  Here are my ratings, votes, and the notes I made during and after my second readings before voting.

                  THE THIRD OPTION
                  CONCEPT: 4/5
                  STORY: 2/5
                  WRITING: 3/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: 9/15
                  Got my vote for 2nd place.
                  NOTES: Not a great title. I like the concept of mocking the absurdities of time travel, and how it impacts on an individual. It's almost entirely set sitting in a cafe, very talky and not visual, which makes it more of a sketch than a short film. I would prefer more scenes, and a dynamic story. (eg: have Peter One on a train - Peter Two boards - train diverted - Peter Three boards - Peter One gets off at the terminus - Peter Two and Three follow him - it gets physical - Peter Four is outside the station.) The tone is mixed. I thought it was a drama, but when Louise's hair is blown back it becomes more of an absurdist comedy. Here are some things that spoil the read: "*clean* shaven" / "Across *from* him" / "LOUISE, the waiter" Not waitress? / "He waves at Louise" In what way, and why? / "a man will betray you" and "The man you are meeting" Why would he not say "your investor" and his name? / "*do* a double take" / "he will plan to force you" Only plan to? / "Get out!" Really? That's harsh. / "hair blows *back*" / "She turns around." Is that all she does? / "I *have* had enough" / "a man on a wheelchair" On it? Not in it?

                  THE LONG GAME
                  CONCEPT: 4/5
                  STORY: 3/5
                  WRITING: 2/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: 9/15
                  Got my vote for 3rd place.
                  NOTES: A seriously 'political' and inflamatory theme. But, as all religion is extreme confrontational fantasy, that seems fair enough. I see the reason for the flashbacks (for the dramatic Hitler reveal) but not sure they're worth it. I would prefer to see the protagonist arriving through time, and executing his plan chronologically, which would be less confusing, and maybe more dramatic, and his unclear motives and double-crossing the assassins would still provide enough intrigue. The third act's dialogue is rather rambling and goes on too long. Here are some things that spoil the read: "European city" is vague. Why not say Munich or Germany from the start? / "Evening" But is it daylight or darkness or twilight? / "It's the early part of the 20th century" Big differences between 1905 and 1935, so why not state that it's 1923, as is revealed later? / "Gas *lamps,* not *electric,* *illuminate* the street." / "A man" is a poor introduction to the protagonist. / I've not heard of "kata". / "*lets him move* easily through the exercises" / His first dialogue and laughing makes no sense when we don't yet know he has time travelled. But surely he would have checked himself on arrival, and said those words back then, which would have been before he hired the assassins in the stables. / What is abnormal about his stature? His suit reduces his slightly above-average height? / "old fashioned" for now, or then? / Why has he no right to be there? Why does he need a disguise? Why would anyone stop him? How would we see all that on screen? / "primitive gasoline vehicles" is an odd way to say early automobiles or cars. / The first "two men" should be written "TWO MEN" and the second should be "Two Men". But "Two Swarthy Men" would be better, and then use "SWARTHY MAN #1". / "dressed differently" How so? / "(heavily accented)" Welsh? Russian? Chinese? / "5:45" should be written "five forty-five". / "EXT. OUTSIDE THE TRAIN STATION" doesn't need "OUTSIDE THE". / "five meter" and "two meters" are needless details. / "pedestrians thin *out*" / "Alley between two buildings" Where else are alleys? / "Snaps an elbow" is unclear. / "Common then Arschlochs!" should be "Come on" or "C'mon". / It's not clear if the second attacker dies. / I shan't highlight all the typos.

                  UNNEEDED
                  CONCEPT: 4/5
                  STORY: 3/5
                  WRITING: 3/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: 10/15
                  Got my vote for 1st place.
                  NOTES: Not a great title. And it removes the tension that Allen may actually change the past and erase his present. Don't use double dashes in scene headings. Some good natural dialogue, but then some is cliche on-the-nose exposition. Where is the actual time machine? The video of past events is a stretch too far. Maybe change that to memory flashbacks when Allen looks at his time-coordinate notes and options. Why does Allen say "not yet" to being feverish? The ending is sudden and rather weak. Maybe add a final family scene, or rewarding pay-off, or serendipitous twist. It's a story with a good message and a thoughtful heart.

                  THE AMAZING STORY OF DAVIES etc.
                  CONCEPT: 3/5
                  STORY: 2/5
                  WRITING: 3/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: 8/15
                  NOTES: The title needs a more amusing proper noun, or two. I wasn't amazed by the story. The good concept has more potential, and the chance for some high adventure and drama is missed. Here are some things that spoil the read: "light still surges" Still? First we've seen of it. / "These would be" Would be if what? / Speake's name sounding like speak reads awkwardly and would confuse on screen. / "acquirarium tank" Typo? / "Davies *said it's* forbidden" / The owl hoots after they first hear it. / Why do they tiptoe? And no-one ever actually tiptoes anyway. / "the door peels open" Peels? / I shan't highlight the typos. / I don't know what that arrow could mean. 1066, and all that?

                  TIM'S TIME EXPRESS
                  CONCEPT: 2/5
                  STORY: 2/5
                  WRITING: 4/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: 8/15
                  NOTES: Awful title. Don't use double dashes in scene headings. Classy car. Shame it hardly moves. It would be better to have the car in motion when passing through time, for more drama and comedy. (And maybe then, with Tim asleep, he crashes into the year-zero building site.) It's like a brief blend of Back To The Future and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Not a great story, it's more of an extended comedy sketch, but the final scene almost makes up for that. Slartibartfast! Some things that spoil the read: Is it significant that the streetlight is old? / "parked on the curve" Curve or curb? / "*tell us* we're looking at" / "terminate *in* a" / "*TIM*, mid-twenties, wired, jacked" Wired to the box? / "*TWO SENTRIES*" / "*on* patrol" / "The older, *squatter* Redcoat" / "stone *cold* sober" / "cranes its neck" Surely stoops if it's huge. / FADE OUT should be aligned right with a full stop, not a colon.

                  KRONOS
                  CONCEPT: ?/5
                  STORY: ?/5
                  WRITING: ?/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: ?/15
                  NOTES: My entry. I don't like time travel as a story device. (And it's stupid, what with there being no such thing as time, as we perceive it.) So my prime intent was to elicit some emotion, and, for this story/film, that would rely a lot on the directing, acting, cinematography, sound-track, etc. If it were not for the contest's time travel device theme, I would have omitted the Dark Agent, and, when Daniel smokes a joint, instead he would use heroin. Then his death from an overdose would be implied, before he 'awakes' in the past to correct it. But I guess that having 'the dead' as time-travellers would not have qualified for this contest.

                  KILLING HITLER
                  CONCEPT: 3/5
                  STORY: 2/5
                  WRITING: 4/5
                  TOTAL SCORE: 9/15
                  NOTES: I lost interest halfway through the title, but the comedic tone largely redeems this. There are interesting moments, but not enough story. It needs more scenes. The ending isn't very satisfying. Is the trolley doctor Der Weisse Engel? Is it safe? Here are some things that spoil the read: "thousands of throats shout" Throats? / "ACCESS STAIRWAY" Are there any other type? / I don't think nazi crowds shouted Hitler's actual name. / Enough with "the chant continues: HITLER HITLER HITLER" already. And why the line breaks and no exclamation marks? (Sorry, very picky, I know.)
                  Know this: I'm a lazy amateur, so trust not a word what I write.
                  "The ugly can be beautiful. The pretty, never." ~ Oscar Wilde

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                    Thank you all for the comments. This is the best part of the challenges, for me.
                    Some comments to the comments:

                    Originally posted by dpaterso View Post
                    The Third Option
                    I liked this, it's easy to follow and feels as if it would be easy to film, notwithstanding the same actor playing several versions of Peter.
                    Thank you for your comments, dpaterso. I agree with you. As I said before I went for simplicity, one location, that's it. The only difficulty would be to film the three characters, with clever split screen and vfx. And maybe some smart "I live this cup then you take it" shot.

                    Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
                    The Third Option
                    I liked the way this entry became ever more complicated, in a way - it was also very witty, humorous, and I don't know if this was the writer's intention but it tickled me, it was a sort of.... mockery of the genre, or even, a comic take on how absurd the choices in such a story quickly become? That achieved something that is quite rare in these exercises, it worked both at the sub-textual level and had me thinking about it after I'd read it. And it made me laugh towards the end and throw up my arms, well done, this is quite rare in these short exercises so that's praise indeed... This was just my reading of it, .... so anyway.... it got my first vote. Hmm. Cough, cough, I didn't like the title very much?
                    Thanks Road Warrior! It seems people didn't like the title. You later mention it's too SF (is that bad? ). Any suggestions for title? Thank you for your notes, I'm very glad that it made you laugh and you are right, it's a sort of mockery of time travel, how things can really absurd and the final message: it's better not to know.

                    Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
                    It threw me out on my ear, ouch! ha ha, when the waitress returned and everybody shouted at her to get out or go away, that action was way too aggressive to sit easy or work at that moment, it was just too abrupt and her serving habits earlier, or interjections or whatever you want to call them, hadn't merited her suddenly being expedited to the level of some nuisance or pest yet- she'd just served them earlier, once, I think, there was no developing relationship.
                    Well, this has a reason. They are not yelling at her because she's annoying. Actually she's very sweet and kind waitress (not waiter, noted Crayon). They are yelling because they are in a potentially life and death situation and she came in the wrong moment.

                    Originally posted by The Road Warrior View Post
                    At that point too, must add, that the waitresses hair blowing in reaction to the screams was a piece of comic book illustration that for me seemed out of place in this script, also... (draws breath)
                    Also noted by Crayon. This was supposedly to be a stylistic writing device, a way of saying "they yell really loud at her". Of course the hair is not supposed to blow back by this, I would never film that. But... you, as readers, have no way to know, so I admit the mistake.

                    Originally posted by Crayon View Post
                    THE THIRD OPTION
                    Got my vote for 2nd place.
                    NOTES: Not a great title. I like the concept of mocking the absurdities of time travel, and how it impacts on an individual. It's almost entirely set sitting in a cafe, very talky and not visual, which makes it more of a sketch than a short film. I would prefer more scenes, and a dynamic story. (eg: have Peter One on a train - Peter Two boards - train diverted - Peter Three boards - Peter One gets off at the terminus - Peter Two and Three follow him - it gets physical - Peter Four is outside the station.) The tone is mixed. I thought it was a drama, but when Louise's hair is blown back it becomes more of an absurdist comedy. Here are some things that spoil the read: "*clean* shaven" / "Across *from* him" / "LOUISE, the waiter" Not waitress? / "He waves at Louise" In what way, and why? / "a man will betray you" and "The man you are meeting" Why would he not say "your investor" and his name? / "*do* a double take" / "he will plan to force you" Only plan to? / "Get out!" Really? That's harsh. / "hair blows *back*" / "She turns around." Is that all she does? / "I *have* had enough" / "a man on a wheelchair" On it? Not in it?
                    Thank you, Crayon. Second writer to dislike the title. Any suggestion? I agree with the mocking. Actually movies make time travel look so real that it's a bit absurd on itself. I don't agree so much in the story not qualifying as a short just because it uses only one location. Some movies have done in one single location and they work. This story has a begining (my future self comes to warn me), a middle (more myselves come to warn me, the future gets complicated) and end (the final decision that turns out to be fatal). Maybe it could be even funnier if the time elapsed is much shorter, as in just when he invents the time machine he starts receiving these visitors trying to warn him about do this or do not. Same as Back to the Future: Doc Brown sends Marty to the Future and seconds later he's back again! Thank you for the detail notes, hard to catch those with limited time.
                    Check out my website with my productions: http://www.picturesplusproductions.com

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                      Originally posted by Crayon View Post
                      Don't use double dashes in scene headings.
                      Ah, FINALLY, something important to discuss.

                      I didn't use a double dash, I used a double hyphen which is the typewriter's code for a dash. Since I use an older version of Movie Magic Screenwriter (one of the world's two most popular screenplay formatters), this is its default. (And I don't usually screw with defaults unless there's a good reason to).

                      Also I'm a old fart, this is the way I was taught to represent a dash and it's the way I've always done it.

                      I was going to be polite and not mention that you incorrectly used a single "hyphen" in your slug lines, but now I"m feeling a bit peevish. (And I need to consider whether or not you did use a dash and if it was or was not replaced by a hyphen when your entry was formatted for this contest.)

                      Hyphens (-) are used to connect two or more words (and numbers) into a single concept, especially for building adjectives. Likewise, some married women use hyphens to combine their maiden name with their spouse's name:

                      There are fewer Italian-American communities these days.
                      The family's money-saving measures have been helping them to build their savings.
                      She has stopped buying 2-liter bottles and has started buying 0.5-liter bottles, instead.
                      I had a conversation with Mrs. Skinner-Kcrycek this morning.
                      They are also a necessary component of the numbers 21 through 99:

                      Before the exam, Tomas studied for thirty-three hours without sleep.
                      Although they can be used as substitutes for the word "to- when discussing value ranges and scores in games, it is better to use the word in formal writing situations than the punctuation:

                      The high temperature will be 87-89 degrees.
                      Hyphens are also used in syllable breaks when words cannot fit completely on a line, and must be continued on the following line. With word processors and the ability to automatically move whole words, though, this has become less common:

                      This opinion is based on sales figures for the past few months, and con-
                      versations I have had with customers.

                      Dashes (-) can be used to indicate an interruption, particularly in transcribed speech:
                      The chemistry student began to say, "An organic solvent will only work with-- when her cell phone rang.

                      They can also be used as a substitute for "it is, "they are,- or similar expressions. In this way they function like colons, but are not used for lists of multiple items, and are used less frequently in formal writing situations:

                      There was only one person suited to the job-Mr. Lee.
                      They can also be used as substitutes for parentheses:

                      Mr. Lee is suited to the job-he has more experience than everybody else in the department-but he has been having some difficulties at home recently, and would probably not be available.
                      Note that dashes are double the length of hyphens. When you type two hyphens together (--), most word processors automatically combine them into a single dash.
                      http://www.dashhyphen.com/

                      (I really can't believe there's a website specifically for this kind of crap.)

                      I'd love to continue my little snit-fit, but I have to be off to:
                      www.howmanyangelscandanceontheheadofapin.com

                      Oh, and thanks for taking the time to comment on my entry. Other than the serious issue already mentioned, it looks like you nailed it.
                      "I just couldn't live in a world without me."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                        Brilliant dash vs. double dash pedantry, well done, you make me proud.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                          Hey Crayon
                          - thanks for those really comprehensive and I'd say, spot on notes.


                          Grammar. My defence - of sorts. I'd rushed my amendments. probably, and old sentences had mingled in with the new, no excuse really, I know!

                          Yes, yes, quite right, that TITLE was just asking for it. I thought, with a chuckle, somebody will nail me.

                          It was only an average to poor story imo, sigh, the idea was supposed to be a sort of plucky adventure with the feel of the Famous Five .... that was intended to be blended in with some Old Skool [may I borrow that dance music expression here?] time travel, perhaps by way of early SF magazines or something like that?

                          So, an adventure story for boys blended in with SF elements and it never got properly realised or exploited to anywhere near its full potential.

                          The names were a bit of a push, weren't they: SPEAKE, SCOLDER, SPARKE, Speake was supposed to be the silent boy, that got changed and quickly, and Sparke, well, a physics teacher, sparks, electricity, bright spark....obvious... but, you know.

                          I was just having some light fun.

                          But... did you spot my biggest gaff.... no?.... the Penny Farthing, fish tank, sticks of crystal suspended in water arrangement..... would not have worked you see, good...hmmm... - I got away with it perhaps.... below the Penny Farthing is the big wheel - yes?

                          In my mind I had a "space" to hang that damn fish tank, just below the seat, so the power source had no space to hang. I'd got the ladder part right, I think, it's a long way up and that was for comedy and effect!

                          But... what year was all this set in, I didn't say, the Penny Farthing is precious, where did Davies get it from? A museum, is it a contemporary piece, I left that to the absence of logic in writing and stories, it was an who-cares moment. I thought, there are things in writing that have to make sense or be justified and those that don't need to be.
                          Like that novel/film, where the main character is riding along in a boat out at sea with a tiger.

                          The very slow speed of cycling that was needed to produce the time travel... cough, cough, hmm, was supposed to be the opposite of the very exciting and racy Back to the Future style of time-travel, that was intended as a a sort of joke/inversion.

                          I stated precisely the pedal speed for that reason.
                          It was supposed to look pretty naff on the big screen.



                          .
                          Last edited by The Road Warrior; 09-26-2016, 03:39 AM.
                          Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                            Everybody!

                            MY FUTURE SELF N' ME

                            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Future_Self_%27n%27_Me

                            And 14001 in particular, this episode, and the fact of my being a South Park fan, was probably in the deep recesses of my mind when I set this competition up. It's also got a similar "absurdist element" and take to the one which you adopted in your entry.
                            The interesting thing with the SP episode, is perhaps that nobody actually time-travels, it all takes place - if I recall - in the present day and turns on a plot point that is largely about deception.

                            Forthcoming: The Annual, "I JUST GOT DUMPED" Valentine's Short Screenplay Writing Competition. Keep an eye on Writing Exercises.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Results - Hot Tubs and Time Machines Contest

                              Originally posted by 14001 View Post
                              Thank you, Crayon. Second writer to dislike the title. Any suggestion?
                              THE THIRD MEN
                              PETER THE THIRD
                              FOR PETE'S SAKE
                              THE PETER PRINCIPLE
                              THE PETER PARADOX
                              THE PETER PRESENT
                              RE: PETER
                              BACKS TO THE FUTURE
                              THE TROUBLE WITH TIME TRAVEL
                              A DATE WITH FATE
                              DESTINY CALLS
                              DIVERGENT
                              TIME'S UP!
                              FUTURE LOOPS
                              Know this: I'm a lazy amateur, so trust not a word what I write.
                              "The ugly can be beautiful. The pretty, never." ~ Oscar Wilde

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