What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

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  • #31
    Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

    Originally posted by Ron Aberdeen View Post
    What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

    Is the subject of my latest Blog at http://www.ronaberdeen.com/
    A "movie".

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    • #32
      Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

      And here I was thinking it was an LA address.

      HH

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      • #33
        Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

        Originally posted by BattleDolphinZero View Post
        Superscribe, that was a good example. And I liked the way you wrote it.
        +1

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        • #34
          Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

          Originally posted by Derek Haas View Post
          What if I got to here in your blog post...



          ...and my answer is "no?"
          Clearly, you have no future in writing. Try another hobby, kid.

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          • #35
            Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

            Thanks, guys. That's kinda how I tend to write when left to my own devices.

            (I'm still not sure that example totally works. Then again, I'm an asshole when it comes to critiquing my own writing... even stuff I whipped up for a message board thread.)

            (This is pretty cool, though: http://johnaugust.com/archives/2009/writing-better-action)

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            • #36
              Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

              Originally posted by omovie View Post
              Write the movie you want to see, would be a better piece of advice, I believe.
              The movie I want to see has the producer of my last film grabbed in a public place and spanked without mercy until he cries.

              I would also find that very entertaining.

              PS: I think SS's first example is better because that's kind of how I write. You want to make the script the movie - make the reader feel what the viewer will feel. But still have what you write be stuff that ends up on the screen.

              - Bill
              Free Script Tips:
              http://www.scriptsecrets.net

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              • #37
                Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                No, I think that's Alessandra, Seger, Palmer & Campbell.

                Originally posted by Hamboogul View Post
                Doesn't the firm of McKee, Trottier, Snyder and Field handle asbestos litigation?

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                • #38
                  Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                  I would've written it a little differently...

                  Ray takes aim... he's gotta stop this sucka...
                  His finger caressing the trigger... like the way a desperate man touches a beautiful French lady, by accidentally falling on top of her in an elevator while the doors are closed and nobody is around to report the crime.
                  Colin's HEAD right in the middle of the CROSSHAIRS. Clear shot. Damn, that French chick was hot. Shame she called the cops before I could finish...

                  But Ray hesitates. Dammit. He can't do this. **** **** ****... I wish I hadn't recorded OFF THE MAP, it looks way too much like LOST. I'm gonna delete it when I get in.

                  Now he has only about three seconds before Colin reaches the crowd... Two... **** or get off the pot, Ray! Ray shits himself. It's not nice. People around him mock and point and do sh1t that basically makes his hands shake and puts off his aim.

                  He squeezes the trigger right as... as opposed to left, which would mean he would've shot himself in the nuts.
                  COLIN KNEELS DOWN--

                  PHFFFT! A RANDOM WOMAN'S HEAD EXPLODES LIKE BALLOON FILLED WITH THAT RED SAUCE YOU GET WHEN YOU ORDER CHINESE SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN #13

                  ****. You can say that again. That was good. Was it good for you?


                  EJ

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                  • #39
                    Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                    ...a sale.
                    TimeStorm & Blurred Vision Book info & blog: https://stormingtime.com//

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                    • #40
                      Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                      Oooh it's become an exercise in style.

                      Ray takes aim, crosshairs right on Colin's pudgy face.

                      Colin sips his lemonade, crunches on a piece of ice.

                      Ray sweats. Wipes his forehead. Can he do it?

                      He pulls the trigger-

                      BAM!

                      A Fat Lady's head pops open. Blood and brain matter splash into Colin's lemonade.
                      Chicks Who Script podcast

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                      • #41
                        Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                        Since I'm often accused of writing weepy dramas, here would be "MY OFFICIAL VERSION."

                        Ray looks through the riflescope. As Colin's face comes into focus, it seemingly morphs into--

                        Ray's disapproving father. And as the father's stern face looks toward us...

                        INT. MUSIC ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK

                        A boy's delicate fingers hits the triangle. PING.

                        SLAP.

                        A hand strikes YOUNG RAY full in the face.

                        RAY'S FATHER
                        Play the triangle like you mean it.

                        RAY
                        Sorry, father. I failed you yet again.

                        RAY'S FATHER
                        Yes, you did. You aren't good enough for percussion.

                        As disapproval flushes Ray's Father's face...

                        EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY - PRESENT

                        Ray tightens his grip on the trigger, so wanting to kill his father. He fires...

                        BLAM.

                        As the bullet cuts through the air...

                        EXT. GUN SHOP - DAY - FLASHBACK

                        GUNMAKER shakes his head as he picks out a deformed bullet from a box.

                        GUNMAKER
                        (to our bullet)
                        You aren't worth the magazine that'll feed the semi.



                        And about the midpoint, we'll find out the bullet misses its target. Ray and the bullet will both blame themselves for their failures.

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                        • #42
                          Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                          @ everyone.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                            Lol!!

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                              From a pilot I'm working on; similar, but different:

                              Code:
                                             EXT. CAVE POINT BLUFFS - DAY
                              
                                             Molly tiptoes along the top of a grassy knoll, scanning the
                                             brush below -- the bluff's sheer drop off not a dozen yards
                                             to the side.
                              
                                             A flash of white among green -- Molly sees something.  Drops
                                             a hand in front of Gwen, bringing her to an immediate halt.
                              
                                             Molly lowers herself noiselessly to the ground, training the
                                             rifle on another unsuspecting Albatross.  She exhales, about
                                             to take the shot, when
                              
                                             Gwen WHIMPERS.
                              
                                             Molly clamps her eyes shut, concentration broken.
                              
                                                                 MOLLY
                                                       Hush, girl.
                              
                                             She focuses on the shot once more, lining it up.
                              
                                             Gwen WHIMPERS again.
                              
                                                                 MOLLY
                                                       Gwen, quiet.  You'll scare the--
                              
                                             WOOF!
                              
                                             A flurry of feathers below as the Albatross freaks, leaping
                                             into flight.  Molly FIRES BLINDLY, missing the bird entirely. 
                              
                                                                 MOLLY (CONT'D)
                                                       Dammit!
                              
                                             She turns to her dog.
                              
                                                                 MOLLY (CONT'D)
                                                       What is wrong with you?  You know
                                                       not to do that.
                              
                                             But Gwen's not even paying attention, barking uncontrollably,
                                             her attention wholly focused on something out at sea.
                              
                              
                              *

                              INT. PINEAPPLE - DAY


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                              • #45
                                Re: What's missing from most amateur screenplays?

                                Originally posted by 12916studios View Post
                                From a pilot I'm working on; similar, but different:
                                too prosey for my taste, but to each their own

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