Opinion of Dialogue

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  • #16
    Re: Opinion of Dialogue

    I agree with Manchester; Why One did a great service, there.

    That's exactly how someone who doesn't know what they're doing would write it: Flat and doesn't really tell us anything about the characters.

    It also shows the (somewhat) fine line between "on the nose" and what actually works. Both are giving us information, but obviously one works way better than the other.

    Again, kudos to Why One for actually showing us the difference.

    HH

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    • #17
      Re: Opinion of Dialogue

      Note to OP: "Warrior" wasn't Oscar nominated for best original screenplay. Nick Nolte was nommed for Best Supporting Actor.
      Good film, though.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warrior_(2011_film)
      "A screenwriter is much like being a fire hydrant with a bunch of dogs lined up around it.- -Frank Miller

      "A real writer doesn't just want to write; a real writer has to write." -Alan Moore

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      • #18
        Re: Opinion of Dialogue

        The whole "on the nose" (OTN) flaw is greatly overemphasized in film criticism.

        The real problem with OTN is not that it is OTN, but that it does not work when subtlety and implication should be the goal. In those instances, OTN ruins the joyful discovery of the mind as it takes in the unfolding action.

        For the bank scene, everything was appropriately direct.

        "The fact that you have seen professionals write poorly is no reason for you to imitate them." - ComicBent.

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        • #19
          Re: Opinion of Dialogue

          OTN = badly done.

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          • #20
            Re: Opinion of Dialogue

            I don't understand the question... or the reason for the question.

            If you believe this is poorly written, are you looking for permission to write poorly?

            - Bill
            Free Script Tips:
            http://www.scriptsecrets.net

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            • #21
              Re: Opinion of Dialogue

              Originally posted by SundownInRetreat View Post
              It's one of my favourite scripts but I can't shake the vibes I get about this scene.
              I don't like the dialog here, but I've never seen the movie (or even heard of it until now). A quick check on IMDB shows that this movie was co-written (both the original story and screenplay), directed and co-produced by the same person. So, it's quite possible that this dialog was "filler" and changed when the movie was filmed. Do you know which revision of the screenplay this came from?
              STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I'm a wannabe, take whatever I write with a huge grain of salt.

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              • #22
                Re: Opinion of Dialogue

                Thanks Manchester and HH!

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                • #23
                  Re: Opinion of Dialogue

                  Maybe this is what bothers you:

                  The writer seems to want to show a stereotypical heartless banker more than showing a realistic conversation.

                  Brendan wants something from this guy. Why would he want to correct and contradict the banker, and make him feel like an idiot? This could make the dialogue feel forced. It might be interesting to have dialogue where Brendan holds his tongue.

                  As far as exposition, there's a difference between exposition only for the benefit of the audience, and exposition for the benefit of another character.
                  "I am the story itself; its source, its voice, its music."
                  - Clive Barker, Galilee

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                  • #24
                    Re: Opinion of Dialogue

                    Originally posted by wcmartell View Post
                    I don't understand the question... or the reason for the question.

                    If you believe this is poorly written, are you looking for permission to write poorly?

                    - Bill
                    +1

                    Edited to add, I too sense a question behind the opinion seeking.
                    Last edited by Ire; 05-03-2012, 05:57 PM.
                    #writinginaStarbucks #re-thinkingmyexistence #notanotherweaklogline #thinkingwhatwouldWilldo

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                    • #25
                      Re: Opinion of Dialogue

                      Brendan sits in a chair across from loan officer DAN TAYLOR
                      (40s). They're mid-meeting and going over documents.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      This is the new appraisal figure,
                      and this is how it effects the
                      monthly. As you can see, that puts
                      you upside down on your mortgage.
                      That's the problem. It's the
                      country that did the assessment,
                      not the bank. So, the numbers are
                      what they are, Mr. Conlon.

                      BRENDAN
                      What if I suck your ****?

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      The numbers are what they are,
                      Brendan. I mean, you're a Math
                      teacher, you can appreciate that.

                      BRENDAN
                      I teach Phys Ed.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      Phys Ed OK. But the bank has got
                      to go by the new appraisal --

                      BRENDAN
                      Right here right now. I'll suck your
                      dick into next week, dude. How about
                      your dog. I can suck your dogs dick
                      too. You've got to help me, Don.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      Dan.

                      BRENDAN
                      Dan, help me. I'll **** your dog if
                      you want.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      I presented you with that option.
                      It was your choice.
                      (beat)
                      I'm also showing you netted a
                      substantial payout with the refi.

                      BRENDAN
                      A what?

                      Taylor looks at Brendan. Takes him a second to remember.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      A substantial payout with the refinance.

                      BRENDAN
                      I swear I'll do it. I'll suck your ****
                      and your dogs ****.

                      Brendan glares at him.

                      BRENDAN
                      Just say the word and I'll do your
                      dog. You name the place and
                      time, and I'll be there.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      Brendan. Look, I can--

                      Brendan is squating on the desk.

                      BRENDAN
                      Do you have a cat?

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      (sighs, writes on a post-it pad)
                      Here's my address. Tomorrow. Seven, OK?

                      Brendan gets up, grabs the note, and dances out of the office while pulling his
                      pants on.


                      BRENDAN (OS)
                      You won't regret this.

                      DAN TAYLOR
                      (into phone)
                      Security...
                      Until I can find a quote from Pope Francis regarding one licking one's butt in the Vatican I'll post this:
                      Just write it! 3-page writing challenge (January, 2022)

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                      • #26
                        Re: Opinion of Dialogue

                        Write what you know.
                        "I am the story itself; its source, its voice, its music."
                        - Clive Barker, Galilee

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